Trying to cope after the break up

[Sorren]

I will warn you now, I am a story teller at heart and that translates into my explanations. You have been warned. And also, you dont have to respond if you dont want to. This is just to vent everything on my mind.

Let me rewind to the start so that everything is out in the open and there's a better understanding of my perspective of this. We're gonna call my ex C for this.

I had never had a serious relationship before C because I had always had terrible examples of relationships that impacted my everyday life. W3 met at my job where I helped him as the cashier. We both showed mutual interest, he left, and I finished up my shift for the night. I had been invited to a bon fire by some friends, so I headed there after work to unwind from the day.A majority of the party had moved a few blocks down, but there was still some people hanging out there, so I just stayed with them since I didnt want to deal with a huge crowd at all. Of the three people who were there, C just happened to be one of them.

It was like some cheesy romance novel or teen's film brought to life. I was extremely awkward. My work bravado had gone out the window and I became really shy around him. We started talking more after I had a few shots of whiskey and a can of Mike's.Honestly, I'm a lightweight, so that was already too much for me. After awhile, I ended up in the bathroom, laying on the floor next to the toilet after using it because I was too tired to get back up. They came in and C took care of me for the rest of the night and the next morning until I had to go to work. He stopped by later that day to give me his number.

I have never experienced anything like that before. No one ever gave me their number because of interest when I was still in school and I was still scared of relationships, so I was extremely hesitant to even try putting his number in my phone. It took a lot of coworkers to tell me to stop being a wimp and just do it. After that, things were great!He took me out on dates, we had great conversations, we did a lot of things that I had never had the chance to do. I'm pretty sure that's around the time that I started developing deeper feelings for him. I'm similar to my mom in that regard: fall hard and fall fast.

We moved in together after a few months since he wanted a place closer to work and I wanted to move from where I was at the time. It was great, up until about 2 months later when he started questioning things and comparing them to his previous relationship. He explained to me that it was 10 years of on and off between them because she'd be cheating on him.It also didnt help the fact that they moved in together super early as well and were pretty much down each other's backs. He wanted to avoid the same thing with us, but the more space I gave him, the more he kept thinking negatively about us and comparing it with his ex. Fast forward another month.

I had just finished work and was sitting in my car when I read the latest message from him. He was breaking up with me and didnt want me to waste my time driving up on saturday just to tell me the same stuff. He told me it was because he didnt want to weigh me down with his old baggage and that I needed to find someone who would love me as I would love them.He didnt realize that it would create more baggage to break up with me. It felt like he grabbed onto a scab on my heart and tore it off, but more than the scab came off with it. It was an unbearable pain that I had never thought I'd experience. This coming from a girl who broke a few bones and got 2and and 3rd degree burns twice from ramen noodles.

He also told me that itd be best if I could grab all of my stuff when I came over for the last time on sunday. I decided to get most of my stuff on saturday so that I could spend more time trying to get more of an explanation out of him. Well, sunday came and I didnt have the guts to say what was on my mind, nor ask what I needed to find answers for.I just asked if we could still be friends and he agreed, but it came with restrictions. Don't text all the time, dont interact with his family at all, and give back the key to the apartment. I understood all of that and readily agreed to all of it.

However, when we were texting, I noticed he was being extremely distant with me. To the point where it felt like he didnt actually want to even text me at all.I questioned him about it because I didnt change how I texted at all. I just limited what I said to him and which emojis I didnt use, as one does. He gave me some stupid excuse, then the next day, sent me a video of someone recommending that we cut all communication off for awhile to see how it would affect us.

I agreed since I knew that I needed it the most. We made plans before the "month-long silence" to meet up at new year's. The month went by and I kept a journal up until the last day. We got back into contact with each other with me being the one to break it (typical). We were still on for new years, so we went to the bar and I invited him back to mine if he wanted to do more drinking because that was my plan regardless.

We had a few more drinks when we got there, wrestled around because I get childish when I'm drunk. We shared a kiss and he stood up to take it further, but I'm still a cognitive human being. I'm not gonna let myself be that girl because that's the kind of girl I hate. So I questioned him as to where he was going with it because I'm not doing anything more with anyone unless it's as bf/gf.

In response, he threw a key at me and told me he didnt want to be just friends. Naively, I got excited and took him back right away. It didnt even last 2 months before he told me that he didnt like how he was treating me, I deserved better, so we were through again. This time, I only cried for maybe 5 minutes.He tried to comfort me, but he doesn't like to see girls cry (or cant handle them when the cry), so he walked away to let me calm down. I jumped in the shower and sat at the bottom, just letting my emotions flow with the steaming water down the drain. After I gathered myself, I got out, packed what little stuff I had, and immediately started the questions. I wasnt gonna back down this time.

I needed to know when he started questioning things and why. He told me 2 weeks before, but the last few days had solidified it and he didnt like the fact that he kept yelling at me. He also said that he didnt feel the same as how he did when we first started our relationship. These are the things that popped up into my head about a week later.

For A. feelings dont stay the same. It's rare that they do, but they dont usually. They dull down some, but you arent gonna feel that high intensity lovestruck feeling that you got upon first meeting. That's how it felt with me, but I didnt tell him because I didnt have a problem with it. For B. the only reason he was yelling at me at all was because I was being annoying. And I mean excessively annoying, so it was honestly deserved.

He told me that he felt bad because he felt like he was wasting my time. I just agreed with him. I wasnt gonna give him any sympathy. I told him that I would still be his friend because I know when to lock that feeling away now and just hold him at arms length when dealing with him. Just from that small blip in time that I spent with him.He helped me pack my stuff in my car and hugged me one last time. But I told him during the hug that he shouldn't contact me at all until he gets his life figured out. I realize that sounds kind of harsh, but I mean it genuinely. The guy's mind changes faster than a wardrobe change at a fashion show, its astounding.

We pulled away and looked each other in the eye one last time. I saw him start to turn his head and questioned him on that. He said that he thought I'd try for one last kiss and he was turning to get it on the cheek instead.I love how he already planned how this would go in his head and how it didnt turn out the way he wanted, making him look like a fool. It's been about 2 weeks since then and we haven't had any contact with each other, so bonus point on that. 

However, I have issues still. Even if i lock my heart away from the rest of everybody else, he unknowingly still has the key. I have always told my friends that people closely represent an animal in some way. Whether that be actions, looks, or personality, it is true.I found out the hard way that I resemble a puppy. I'm anenergetic, playful, and lovable person, but I'm also extremely loyal to the one who holds my heart. He has told me, and even friends and family has told me that there are plenty of other guys out there who would treat me so much better than what I got from C.

That may be true, but everytime I try to show interest or think about even dating another person, it hurts my heart so much that I have to try to occupy my mind with something else fast or the pain will grow and I'll start thinking of C. I've done a good job this far keeping C off of my mind, but today I hit a low point. Half of my day at work I spent thinking of him.

What sparked me to post this on here was thoughts of him and what will not be. I couldn't be alone with my thoughts any longer, so I had to write it out and get it out of my head. I know its not going to go away that easily, but the full throbbing pain in my chest is a reminder of everything that wont be. 

Thank you for reading my rant of woes.

~Sorren

Edited March 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry for your pain, OP. Break-ups are tough, and the first one we experience is usually even more painful because we have no frame of reference for the confusing emotions swirling around. 

It will take plenty of time for the feelings to fade, but it will eventually sting less. Now isn't the time to be worried about dating again. Concentrate instead on healing. Be patient and kind with yourself. Stick to no contact with him. It won't be easy, but you will get there. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Sorry to hear about your state. Atleast you have a clear vision that in future you'd wanna stay away from this messed up guy. Time gonna heal you.  It takes time for us all and mentally healthy people take good time after a break up to get into next relationship. But in future this guy will just be a memory to you  when you'll find someone else. Probably you dont wanna hear that but slowly you'll get to know thats the right way. You dont need much guidance from anyone you are doing good and on right track, we all sink in memories and thoughts of our exes for a while after break up that's natural since we are hurt and grieving slowly life goes back to what we were before them coming into our lives. Stay around friends and family who gives you positive vibes. Wish you a speedy recovery from this mess. Good luck friend