I don't understand

[prophecygirl]

hey. so i've never done anything like this but i really need to vent & see if anyone has insight or.. idk. 

background: i'm giving you the very abbreviated version. i met my abuser, a guy 4 years older, when i was a kid, he groomed me, eventually started to sexually abuse me & this "relationship" went on for almost a decade until i was 22.. i still haven't really dealt with it but needless to say, it really f***ed me up, especially considering my childhood was more neglect than anything & i've been depressed for as long as i can remember. i'm 30 now. [tl;dr i'm a survivor.]

anyway, last year i found this mmorpg & made a lot of new friends, one of which turned into a boyfriend. (boyfriend, nickname dumbass, 22 / me 29, we live in different countries.) friendship first though; we went from playing together to voice chatting every waking hour, then phone calls & facetime. he was curious about my entire life, we made each other laugh & he really helped me to come out of my shell & not be so anxious all the time. after i told him i had ptsd, he wanted to know about my trauma & encouraged me to talk about it while he was there to support me. he was honestly so f***ing amazing about it, just kept telling me i was ok & carefully pushed for details (we even set up a keyword in case it was too much, his idea) & i told him everything i could remember, which is the first time i've ever really spoken about it. he helped me so, so much. he continued to be there for me, our hangouts turned into 24/7 facetiming & things progressed from there. our friendship was built on honesty & openness about our feelings & we always made sure to resolve any issues or misunderstandings. he tended to be super insecure, needy & possessive, while i have deep-rooted beliefs of being unwanted & unlovable & a myriad of mental unhealth. i was overly cautious about him falling for me, he knew that from the beginning. i'm not even sure myself when i started falling in love, i was really refusing my own feelings about him but in the end, there was an Us. we were so f***ing good, we really were. we could spend hours just watching each other & smiling. we would validate each other, reassure one another whenever anxiety or insecurity took over, we were honest & open. things did take a sexual turn, though i was 1000% not expecting that because of my trauma & disgust towards anything sexual, this i was absolutely comfortable with. he never pressured me. he helped me explore & he helped me want to explore. he helped me process & get over trauma-related words & phrases, making new ones just for us, which we would both repeat with love & reverence, as though it was a sacred vow–which it was, i suppose.

during all this, he went to study abroad, which meant time difference went from one hour to 9 hours but we still made it work, although he started falling asleep during gametime & calls, which yeah, frustrated me. we talked everything through every time, we implemented a system of sorts, so he could spend more time on me but also focus on uni, which meant stop playing our game together except for absolutely necessary things. but we were good. then fall turned into winter & he became really stressed about his studies, which understandable, we didn't have as much time to call or facetime but messaged each other day & night. his stress & the depression that followed got worse & he started to doubt he could be everything i wanted. let's face it, no one can actually be that, yeah? so we talked things through, i reassured him it was ok & i agreed to give him time to study (actually study, he practically lived in the lab, in case anyone thought it might be an excuse) & to figure stuff out. we went longer without talking, seeing each other, just spending time together. i was having a very rough time but i managed. we facetimed every few weeks & he told me he was unsure of his commitment but still we talked about a future together. i have never been able to see any kind of future or imagine wanting one, nor have i ever believed i could have one. he allowed me to see a future, to want a future. 

two weeks ago, he told me he didn't think he felt romantically for me anymore. 

i'm... at a loss. i don't know where my dumbass went. i don't understand how... i don't understand. 

 

[ps. i don't wanna write this but just in case: please don't discount the significance or severity of the relationship because we never met irl.]

Edited March 9, 2020 by prophecygirl

[snowboy91]

Sorry to hear OP.

What I think has happened is since he's been studying abroad and you haven't been able to talk as much, the connection started to fade. Especially since your whole relationship was online, it was probably getting to the point where it needed to progress and there wasn't really an opportunity for that to happen unless you could spend time together IRL.

This just wasn't meant to be - but eventually you'll be glad it happened. If nothing else, he's shown you that there are some really decent, kind guys out there - and not to accept anything less in future.

[prophecygirl]

like, throughout the first months he was so insecure & told me repeatedly he was scared of losing me, which is also one of my fears. he was so sincere in his love. our phrase kinda became "everything i have is yours" & we would repeat it to each other like a mantra. we had long talks of romantic vs platonic love before we were bf/gf. he told all of our friends he never thought he'd found someone so perfect for him. our friends told me we made each other better & we did. i just don't understand what changed for him. he's adamant that talking to me or anyone doesn't help him or make him feel better. i'm at a loss, i feel like i've lost a vital organ. i really believe he's it for me...

[d0nnivain]

He was some sort of lifeline for you.  He was a connection.  He made you feel good, alive & safe. Although I do not understand a relationship where you never met, I can see the allure.  When you have no one, anything is better then being alone. 

In any relationship, IRL or virtual, be cautious of anybody who expresses fears of losing you early on.  That is a boundary issue.  People who say stuff like that are projecting.  They are going to bolt on you.  

Armatures who pry too deeply into a traumatic past under the guise of helping you are also bad news.  Only professionals can help.  The nosy nellies make things worse. 

At the end of the day, he was a little boy playing with your feelings over the computer because it's easier to ditch somebody who isn't real who you never have see again.  I'm sorry this happened to you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Purely online relationships always have an expiration date. It's not sustainable in the long run and eventually loses its novelty. Then, as we see here, one party wants to move on. Virtual connections simply cannot compete with real life, happening beyond the computer screen. 

I'm sorry, OP. This wasn't a viable relationship prospect if you two couldn't manage to meet in person. And d0nnivain is right; be very wary of people who cling to you and treat you like they can't live without you. That's a red flag. 

You will be okay, but you would be very wise not to have online relationships in the future. It's certainly fine to make acquaintances and be friendly, yes, but not a good idea to build up a romantic relationship when the logistics prevent you from actually being together in person. Stick to dating local men with whom you can have a mutually satisfying relationship.

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

He was some sort of lifeline for you.  He was a connection.  He made you feel good, alive & safe. Although I do not understand a relationship where you never met, I can see the allure.  When you have no one, anything is better then being alone. 

In any relationship, IRL or virtual, be cautious of anybody who expresses fears of losing you early on.  That is a boundary issue.  People who say stuff like that are projecting.  They are going to bolt on you.  

Armatures who pry too deeply into a traumatic past under the guise of helping you are also bad news.  Only professionals can help.  The nosy nellies make things worse. 

At the end of the day, he was a little boy playing with your feelings over the computer because it's easier to ditch somebody who isn't real who you never have see again.  I'm sorry this happened to you.  

Highlighted two important things, maybe the most important things, that @d0nnivain shared with you @prophecygirl. 

 

1. In my own recovery from a bad split 6.5 months ago I came across a great quote in meme form - "He wasn't your soulmate and you knew he wasn't your soulmate. Indecision is what happens when you can't accept what you already know to be true. He wasn't your soulmate. He was an anchor that kept you steady, and then left you stuck. He was the sun in your universe when you weren't sure what else to revolve around. Your poured your energy into the IDEA of him. Your relationship was good because YOU made it good. It was a blank canvas you painted your love upon until it was beautiful. He was an easy feat. He was a sure thing. He seemed perfect on the surface and then less perfect as time went on. Real soulmates are the EXACT opposite - the depth of your connection is revealed (to be deeper and deeper) the more you are together. He was the perfect match for the person you WERE, no the person you need to BECOME. He was an old love map you thought you finally conquered". I bolded a few words for effect. I'm sorry for your pain, but you will learn and grow from this experience and the pain will eventually fade away. Especially with "virtual" relationships - we can settle for SO MUCH LESS than we deserve simply because we get a little bit of love, affection, or understanding. Please understand, there are good men (And this would apply in reversed roles too) that would gladly help a person heal as part of their recovery. But....if that happened when they were looking for a relationship they would need to decide what to do - continue to help this person and stop pursuing other romantic possibilities, or cut the emotional chord with the person in order to help them and then continue to search for romance. If feelings were to have developed after meeting platonically (which is sounds like the case here) - he would still have to make that decision. The fact that he fell for you and then lost the feeling because there was no plan in place to actually meet is not surprising. Especially as he was moving and his life was going into a new phase, he probably made a unconscious decision to move on emotionally as there was no plan to turn your virtual relationship into a real one. So don't blame yourself. Though moving forward - if you find yourself in a situation where a virtual or long-distance relationship ever comes about - the "distance" needs to be cut with planned action after 6-12 months. 

2. Those are two important points about dating. Those who try to "help" people - likely suffer from a "savior" or "nice guy" complex. Now, it's not to say that they're bad - especially the "nice guys" (I used to be like that). It's just they're not developed mentally/emotionally in a way to understand what a relationship entails. Especially since you had such trauma in your life, if he really wanted to date you or at least keep the emotional attachment going - he would have simply made a safe space for you and not made it such an important part of your relationship. He may have (note - MAY HAVE) - thought that by "helping you" - you were going to fall in love with him and then suddenly (since this was virtual) decide to move to him as if you owed him something for simply being "good". Men who try to fix women, rescue them, or "help them", most often lose them because they're unconscious expectations don't match up with reality and the ways that a relationship really works and/or because you end up friendzoning him. And as to the first point about anyone who says they're "afraid of losing you" - that's shame speaking. That's a self-defense mechanism. That's someone with abandonment issues or some other trauma or psychological issue still existing in their psyche from childhood. It's a way for them to try and bait and hook you so you don't leave them - when, as d0nnivain noted, they are most likely to be the ones to cut and run when they feel emotionally secure for a while or when something happens that lets them justify their flight or presents a "better opportunity". My last ex was 24, I'm 38. While I didn't have a problem with the age gap (I know now that I wouldn't go younger than 10 years), I didn't realize until after she dumped me close to 2yrs in (because I was afraid of losing her and was holding on - like in that quote I shared above - because I was getting breadcrumbs of affection keeping me hooked) how immature, emotionally unstable, and inexperienced she was. She played the same emotional games with me - threatening abandonment, telling me I deserved better (which is another emotional red flag), telling me I would leave her, and also threatening self-harm (major red flag). In the end, and I will never know for sure, I'm guessing she dumped me because her educational program was about to intensify and she felt she couldn't be "in a relationship" - even though I did all of the work (that's another red flag to watch out for - people who do little work and then complain about when you mess up or need some flexibility even though you do 99% of the effort to make the relationship work), she felt like I was getting needy (I was a little bit, but hey - we all do in relationships) and I wasn't the "super hero" any more, and with her older sister finally set to move out of the house (they had still been living with their parents) - I think she thought she'd be able to sneak out more or sneak guys in for some casual stuff (their parents were strict and they didn't want her dating until she finished her complete education) - because she's not comfortable with herself or her sexuality/body so she doesn't know how to keep things hot/fresh and make a man want her once the initial infatuation wears off - she thinks that simply by spreading her legs she will make a man want her long-term. So anyway - yeah, those are red flags to learn about and hey - I'm 38 and you're only 30 - so you're far ahead of the "game" than I am.

 

Keep your chin up, do not run from the emotions - embrace the darkness, cry, scream, post on hear, and hit the gym and cleanse yourself like you would from a poison!