Need Advice - Second Chance.. or third

[tms510]

Hello everyone,

 

I need some advice and I would really appreciate any advice that can be given.

 

Here's the scenario.

 

I've was with my ex (not married) for close 9 years, and we've lived together for 7 years. A few years ago we had a child together and he's almost two years old now. About 3 months ago we had a really really nasty fight and she moved out and we broke up. We also broke up about 4 years ago and we were apart for 8 months and we gave it another shot.

 

She works I stay home taking care of him while I find employment. I'm a good father and I love my son and her with all of my heart. But for years I've neglected her and I was pretty selfish, I lost focus on what was important, so I can't really blame her for feeling the way she feels.

 

 

 

Every time I attempt to talk to her about where the relationship is going to go she doesn't want to talk about it. She has put up a wall, a natural defense. One time she says we can possibly work on repairing our relationship and another time she says it "probably" always be like this (separated). I'm guessing she is confused.

 

Over the last few months that we've been separated, things have gotten a little better between us slowly but surely. We're able to hang out for a while and talk, we take our son to the park and let him play. A few nights ago her and I went out to a bar and had some drinks with some friends.

 

I feel that she still loves me and cares about me, although she isn't in love with me. Which I think that can be repaired if she decides to.

 

But the uncertainty and not knowing is killing me, and I think it could bring down the strongest of men.

 

So I was thinking about writing her a letter letting her know how I feel and ask if she would like to repair and work on our relationship or if she knows that she doesn't want to work on it for sure, to let me know so I can have closure and move on with my life.

 

But I don't know if I should ask for closure or just go with the flow and see if things get better. I feel that if I ask for closure it might come off wrong and just piss her off. So one part of me wants to ask what is going on with her feelings towards us and another part wants to just let it go and go with the flow since things seem to be getting just a little bit better.

 

 

Thanks in advance

[Ladyjane14]

How long have you been "looking for a job"?

 

I apologize in advance, because this it going to sound stereotypical....but women tend to choose their mates based on their ability to be good providers.

 

Some time ago, I watched a documentary on 'sexual attraction'. I wish I could remember more details, but the gist of it was that as human animals, men tend to choose healthy looking females that appear to be good breeders. Women tend to choose strong looking men who can protect and provide for the family. This is instinctive.....at least according to that particular documentary.

 

Personally, I think men make terrific caregivers when they choose to do so. If you look at the nursing profession, for one example, men who choose nursing most often EXCELL in their field. So, your contribution as a caregiver to your son is indeed valid.

 

But, if you're tripping up on mating selection as instinct, then it's time to stop "looking for a job", and get one.

 

I know my great-grandma divorced her first husband because of his unemployment. "I divorced my first husband because he wouldn't work", is what she said. And that was during the GREAT DEPRESSION!!!

 

It will be problematic to make other arrangements for daycare. But there's 'talking the talk', and then there's 'walking the walk'. If you are, in fact, THE GUY.....prove it in actions. Words are cheap.

[tms510]

I agree with you. Our son was born with some complications and needed a few serious surgerys. And since she was already employed and was on maternity leave, she was able to go back to work quicker then I was able to find a job.

 

But I agree with you 100%. I haven't worked for almost 4 years. And I've recently just started looking for work.

 

again i do agree with you and I think me being unemployed and not acting up as a "man" as also played a big part of it.

 

I went on an interview last week, and even tonight when she came over, she asked "have you heard back about that interview yet?".

 

So again you're right, because if that wasn't a factor and if she didn't care, she wouldn't have asked if I heard back from that job yet.

 

But believe me, I've been home for too long I look forward to going back to work. Although it is harder to find a job since I haven't been employed for almost 4 years.

[tms510]

I got that job that I went for last week, and a good job at that. Hopefully that will help with our situation and my own mental health =)

[Ghent]

I got that job that I went for last week, and a good job at that. Hopefully that will help with our situation and my own mental health =)

 

I'm sure that it will While my own situation is not vastly different than yours, I will say that I am further back on the road than you. I applaud you for sticking through this long and I can only hope I have the same stamina as you have had. I hope you continue and I hope that everything works out the way you desire!

[Ladyjane14]

I got that job that I went for last week, and a good job at that. Hopefully that will help with our situation and my own mental health =)

 

Great! Mission #1 accomplished!!!

 

Now, on to Mission #2, which you've already begun. That would be learning more about the marital relationship.

 

I would suggest a trip to the library for some books on the subject. His Needs / Her Needs by Harley might be a good start. Or, The Five Love Languages by Chapman, which is an easy read.

 

It's all good, really....choose anything that appeals to you. The main point is to engage your brain in a thought process that is goal oriented. It's time to learn how to meet emotional needs, and be a good partner.

[tms510]

Thank you very much Ladyjane14! I will definitely pick up both of those books if they are available at my local library, if not I will probably get them off of amazon.

 

I need to go in tomorrow to fill out paper work and get on payroll tomorrow, my ex offered to drive me, wait until I was done and drive me back. Which I think and hope is another "good" sign, but should I take her offer or get there on my own?

 

Also I purchased some killer tickets to a band she loves, sold out show, and it's pretty close up front, I'm thinking about asking her to go, do you think I might be pushing my luck?

[Ladyjane14]

Both those activities sound like an opportunity to spend time together, so why not?

 

At worst, she could turn you down. That's still an opportunity to make a positive impression, by accepting her choice gracefully.

[tms510]

We went out shopping last night for about 4 hours. I asked her if I could take her out and if she would go with me to the concert. She paused for a while, and I said; "if you don't want to go with me, I understand". Then she smiled and said "I'll think about it." That's better then a no, I guess. I hope she'll end up going.

 

She also did take me in today to get on payroll, orientation, and a drug test. I start paid training on Monday. Training is month long!!! But I'm more than thankful to be back in the loop and have a career again.