MM says he's leaving his wife... stories/advice/comments?

[Sami_D]

There are so many threads about how we OW are doing with NC, but my situation is a little different. I was wondering how many of you have been in my situation, and how it turned out. All comments welcome.

 

Briefly, we have known eachother for about 18 months. I'm not interested in being OW, and never have been. When we first met, he told me his marriage was more or less over, they weren't sleeping together, etc. At first I advised him to try to get back together with her and make it work, for his sake, and for the sake of his two young children. After quite a lot of soul-searching, this is what he did, last year. It was a very tough time for me because I'd already become very fond of him, but I reasoned that if we were ever to be together properly, that he would have to do that anyway, just so that we would both know that he tried everything.

 

Well, three months later he came back saying that he missed me (it wasn't exactly NC, but it was occasional emails and texts, all very respectable). We got together again, closer than ever... but he was still uncertain that he could leave his W, because of his two C. I told him that I needed to know... and for a few months (with us seeing eachother occasionally - he lives in another city) we continued to see eachother, and he continued to think about his position and our (possible) future together. He was always asking himself - can I leave them?

 

Then three weeks ago he told me that he could not leave them. It was too hard. He didn't want to hurt his Cs or his W. For the past few weeks I have been trying to come to terms with that decision, and after all this I said to him that if he can't leave them, then we can't continue (sorry, this is so long and probably boring). This all came to a head during one of my visits. During this visit he broke down and realised I think for the first time what our relationship means to him. I also saw a man who is totally torn between what he has always thought is right for his C (continuing the pretence of his marriage) and having a good relationship (and hence showing his C what love looks like). [willing to debate this with anyone... though it isn't really part of my main question]

 

The upshot is that I've agreed to go to see him again next week, with the idea of talking about his leaving his marriage. I am under no illusions that it MAY not actually happen. But I wanted a) to share my story and introduce myself a little, and b) to ask for any feedback and help any of you can offer - fellow OW, C of divorced parents, just anyone who could help us in our situation.

 

Thanks so much.

[lynnered]

Sami_D,

I am sorry sorry U are going throgh this!!

When U wrote about his torn feelings made me cry:(

thats how my MM was about C not W,so torn .

where is he now ?

he left for a month1/2 2 months if U havent read my 2 threads MMleft W&MM has mixed feelings.

I do hope &think it will work out for U,but its all in how strong he is mine was not when it came down to it .

 

During this visit he broke down and realised I think for the first time what our relationship means to him. I also saw a man who is totally torn between what he has always thought is right for his C (continuing the pretence of his marriage) and having a good relationship (and hence showing his C what love looks like). [willing to debate this with anyone... though it isn't really part of my main question]

MY MM issue is he grew up without dad around always wondered where he was&he sees child every AM after work& after school before work during absence ,he could deal without that.

He can show C what love looks like & be D,he shows C his love&If he has a respectful R with XW,and a "love"R with his lady in his life ,C can see parents arent happy,right now he is showing C,a bad example this is not what love looks like &C will think it is.

I will be thinking good thoughts of U sending positive energy !!

[newbby]

you need to look up a post by old europe a while ago, your story sounds similar to hers, its an extremely positive post and she got her man. its very inspiring, read it

[lynnered]

you need to look up a post by old europe a while ago, your story sounds similar to hers, its an extremely positive post and she got her man. its very inspiring, read it

Yes and stand firm !!!

we will help U in whatever U decide to do!!

[whichwayisup]

Then three weeks ago he told me that he could not leave them. It was too hard. He didn't want to hurt his Cs or his W. For the past few weeks I have been trying to come to terms with that decision, and after all this I said to him that if he can't leave them, then we can't continue (sorry, this is so long and probably boring). This all came to a head during one of my visits. During this visit he broke down and realised I think for the first time what our relationship means to him. I also saw a man who is totally torn between what he has always thought is right for his C (continuing the pretence of his marriage) and having a good relationship (and hence showing his C what love looks like). [willing to debate this with anyone... though it isn't really part of my main question]

 

This says it all. He will go back and forth over and over again.

 

My suggestion is, end it. Tell him that when the papers are signed and he's moved out, and been on his own for enough time, then possibly you'll go to him. Until then, don't get involved. You will get hurt again and again by this man.

[newbby]

not neccessarily wwiu, the stories are not all the same.

really look up old europes post and read it. she didnt do the nc thing, but she did what you are doing. i take it you havent had a physical relationship with him yet? thats the best way.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What changed in the few weeks since he told you that he couldn't leave his family? Never, ever trust a person to make the decision to leave his family in only three weeks, after he already made it clear that he won't. That is a huge decision. Three weeks isn't enough time for someone to change their mind like that. Unless... the decision is being made mutually by he AND his wife.

 

Did he tell his W? If he comes to you next week and hasn't told his wife yet, then I wouldn't pay much attention to anything further he has to say. Until he tells his wife, there is no point in planning a future with you since it will be apparent by not telling his wife that he still plans on his future being with her.

 

Just let him know what your dealbreakers are. Hopefully one of them is "telling his wife fully what the deal is and asking for a divorce." I can't think of any dealbreaker other than that that could possibly give you even a ray of hope unless you simply decide to continue being the OW. Then your choices are: UOW or HOW. Either way, you'll still just be OW.

 

You say you don't want and never intended to be the OW but you've sent him a very different message about what it is you will condone by continuing to be be one for last year and a half. I think if you draw the line, and let him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are done with being the "other woman" and fully intend to be the "only woman" - and stick to your boundaries that you will have an easier time with this in the long run. You will continue to be an OW until you simply stop being one. Give him the choice: he either comes to you when you can be his "only woman" or he walks out of your life forever. Period.

 

I have a feeling this one isn't going to come down off his fence anytime soon, and until you give him a very clear choice - he isn't going to make any choice at all.

 

Men do leave unhappy marriages. What men do not leave are tolerable ones. You'll need to know if his marriage is truly as bad as he has led you to believe or if it has been tolerable enough to stay (its been tolerable enough for him to turn down a guarantee for happiness and love with you repeatedly over the past year and a half). If it is tolerable , he won't leave. Ever. If it is truly an unhappy marriage and is intolerable he will leave.

[lynnered]

One of the things that I see as a redflag that theres no hope for the M is COMMUNICATION.

As with mine&so many look at how hes telling OW everything ,all his feelings,his unhappiness,good &bad,doubts fears hes putting it all out there.

Yet with W there is not that communication,hes scared to open up to her,because she most likely will not handle it like an adult,throw C in his face.

If they had that communication i doubt he would be unhappy in M.

Or if they had that communication i doubt he would seek another he would be working it out with W,or seeking a D.

Just my opinion not saying all are the same:)

[Sami_D]

Thanks for the responses so far. Lynne, I feel the same way about the C issue - surely it would be better for them to see a good relationship, rather than lies? He really has no relationship with his W other than one of convenience.

 

This says it all. He will go back and forth over and over again.

 

My suggestion is, end it. Tell him that when the papers are signed and he's moved out, and been on his own for enough time, then possibly you'll go to him. Until then, don't get involved. You will get hurt again and again by this man.

 

Thanks, whichwayisup. I have considered this option, especially when some of the other OW on here began their NC at the beginning of the month. However, I think that he wouldn't be able to go through with it if I wasn't there to support him. I feel that I'd be playing games and taking a gamble if I said 'I'm here if you want me'. That's just my feeling at the moment, however, and I am not sure it's the right thing for me to do.

 

I think that at the end of next week I'll be in a much clearer position. It's just that I wanted to cast out for other people's stories at this point, to help me next week with our discussions. If at the end of next week he's still hedging... then I believe I'll be a lot closer to your POV than mine.

 

newwby, no, we have had a physical relationship already. We didn't for a long, long time, but... it happened (no excuses).

[foolinlove]

From what I read from your post, your situation is NO DIFFERENT from anyone here...you fell for a MM with a family and he is torn between them and you. You are told a bunch of BS to make you hang on and he gets his cake and eats it too. You may feel like you are different...but honey..you are just like the rest of us. Your first intuition to stay away from him would have been the best..but our feelings tell us different.

 

Don't have contact with him until he is DONE with her...if that is what he wants..you will only create more chaos in your life and his families..sorry so blunt and short but have to run.

Good luck!

[curly]

I haven't posted in a while but some of you know my story. MM & I have been back & forth for almost 18 mos. He has left a few times before but went right back very quickly. He's been M for 30+ yrs. Preg. forced M, more kids, etc. you know the drill. He felt his M was over and was also attracted to me. 1 thing led to another....

 

So, he feels that he has finally made his decision that the M is not working and he does not want to be with W anymore. He moved out to his daughter's house last week. It's been 1 week today and we've had contact. The times before when he left, he was distraught with anxiety. This time he doesn't seem to be. He seems to be realizing that he was deluding himself and is finally ready for the big D.

 

I say all that to tell you what happened prior to last week. For the last 18 mos. he's had both W and me (OW) begging for an answer, obviously each one putting pressure that it be her he wants to be with. I finally got fed up with the lack of action and indecision and started thinking about myself and where I'm going in all this. I stated to him very clearly that I was important. I had an epiphany - "If you want to be taken seriously, you need to take yourself seriously." I realized that I was playing with my life and my heart as well as allowing him to do the same. I just stopped. I said "no more." I want something more out of life than the crumbs this man throws at me. I also told him that I did not feel truly loved by him because he is not available. I said that I wanted to feel truly loved and deserved that. I told him that I would mourn the loss of him, but I wanted a better life.

 

Honestly, I was really serious. I felt it in my heart & soul. I was through being the OW. And I believe he really saw that. He continues to see that I am capable of leaving him and he needs to prove his love for me.

 

There's no guarantees that he's not going back, I know, and it's a bit shaky right now but all in all, I know that I can and will go on without him if he leaves me again.

 

Anyway, sorry to babble on but I wanted to share that epiphany. Maybe it will knock some sense into another OW like me.

 

I'll repeat it for you (& a little for me)

 

"If you want to be taken seriously, you need to take yourself seriously."

 

Just to add - Life is not a dress rehearsal....

 

Good luck & I agree - it sounds like OldEurope's story.

[lynnered]

I have some articles i sent MM as well as to helping children deal with D,and one mentions how its not good for C to see fighting,pretending & so on once i find them again i will get them to U.

I was supportive but again mine was not strong i dont blame him(totally)it hurt me alot that he will regret this if he stays on for years& years.

Mention to him if he stays til C are grown how old he would be starting over?

And once they hit the teenage years they are hardly around&Ur older &stuck.

I gave my MM all sernerios,i did want him to do what he felt best,at the same time i let him know how i felt ,that if U do stay Im not holding Ur hand as i have so U have to deal with W,without someone to talk nice to U ,ask how was Ur day,rub Ur back,ETCshe will not change&whenever im not in his life its magnifyed.

If my MM loved his W still i would have left it alone i told him so many times ,ill go away U go to MC see how it goes TRY if its there!

Its not!nothing to do with OW,but the thing i hate so much i love him he deserves to be happy &not treated like crap.

If she loved him treated him right i would be hurt but less so knowing hes taken care of:( but hes not so i dont know just hurt,if U cant be wtih the one U love u at least hope they could be happy&loved

Sorry sami_d

Listen to all ,take a little from me &everyone else hopefully its helpful in Ur thought process?

Def read all oldeurope posts !

Goodluck keep posting

[newbby]

oh i'm sorry, i thought you said you werent having a physical relationship. i kind of feel that once it has got physical theres no chance. you have already said you are alright with being ow. maybe i am being negative with that one.

you can always start again though, do not sleep with him anymore and probably nc is your only hope now.

[newbby]

aha curly, a positive story. yes great advice!!

[Sami_D]

What changed in the few weeks since he told you that he couldn't leave his family? Never, ever trust a person to make the decision to leave his family in only three weeks, after he already made it clear that he won't. That is a huge decision. Three weeks isn't enough time for someone to change their mind like that. Unless... the decision is being made mutually by he AND his wife.

 

What has happened since then is that I've told him that I can't continue with this if he can't leave them. He hasn't said he won't, he said (three weeks ago) that he 'couldn't. But in the past 2 days he has said that he will. And he has said that next week (when I visit him) we will talk about what will/would happen when he does leave, what the best times to leave would be, and following from that, what is the best date for him to leave.

 

Did he tell his W? If he comes to you next week and hasn't told his wife yet, then I wouldn't pay much attention to anything further he has to say.

 

As I said in my original post, we are discussing him leaving. He wants to leave (so he says), he knows he needs to leave in order for our relationship to continue, and he wants our relationship to continue. He also knows that I'm not likely to feel the same way about him if this continues with no satisfactory resolution (i.e. being the OW isn't what I'm going to do).

 

You say you don't want and never intended to be the OW but you've sent him a very different message about what it is you will condone by continuing to be be one for last year and a half. I think if you draw the line, and let him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are done with being the "other woman" and fully intend to be the "only woman" - and stick to your boundaries that you will have an easier time with this in the long run. You will continue to be an OW until you simply stop being one. Give him the choice: he either comes to you when you can be his "only woman" or he walks out of your life forever. Period.

 

Yes, perhaps some of this is true. Because of course I have been an OW off and on during these 18 months. But throughout all of it, right from the start, it's never been about 'settling' for that situation. There has always been a greater or lesser emphasis on one or other of us doing something other than settling for the MM/OW dynamic. And this has become much more prominent in the past 3 weeks.

 

I have a feeling this one isn't going to come down off his fence anytime soon, and until you give him a very clear choice - he isn't going to make any choice at all.

 

And I've given him that choice (as I said in my OP). I will not be the OW, and it is either his marriage or me. That is what next week is about, and why I'm posting this question... How do I deal with those negotiations?

 

 

Men do leave unhappy marriages. What men do not leave are tolerable ones. You'll need to know if his marriage is truly as bad as he has led you to believe or if it has been tolerable enough to stay (its been tolerable enough for him to turn down a guarantee for happiness and love with you repeatedly over the past year and a half). If it is tolerable , he won't leave. Ever. If it is truly an unhappy marriage and is intolerable he will leave.

 

His marriage is tolerable for him as long as he works away during the week (he sees his children at weekends), and has me to think about and look forward to.

 

Thanks for your input, and all those so far.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is the fear. Think about it everybody. Take a step back ...

 

A man is with OW. He has his wife too. Things are wonderful, he's happier than a pig in s***, the wife doesn't know, the OW is there for him anytime, anywhere, she'll usually drop whatever is going on in her life to be with him a second's call. Why would he want to give that up?

 

So, then, things change. Feelings, love, lust, wanting more and more...Then things at home go south, he's picking fights with her, blaming her cuz he's in too deep. Eventually she either figures out wtf he's up to or the wall goes up and she just goes along with blinders on...

 

Then, he wants to leave and be with OW. But is too scared to leave the life he knows and feels safe in. The "not really knowing" if the OW/MM relationship will work out, he goes back and forth in his head.... Wife, or OW. Backnforth...

 

Problem is, he'll keep on doing that until he is FORCED to choose. 9/10 he'll choose to stay at home, suffer quietly and be miserable...Unless the wife knows and they fix the marriage and work on things with counselling.

 

Those few times, he could decide to be with OW, and leave his wife, there is that fear "when will he go back to her..What if..."

 

My question is, once a MM/OW are together. Can it last? Girls, ask yourself that. IF each of you had your MM and fast forward a year, things are good and everybody is happy. Would the trust really be there 100%? Are you worried he could cheat on you? Does he trust you fully, wondering well, she was with a MM before, what would stop her from doing it again?

 

The relationship itself is based on an intense situation. The secrets, the deceiving, the sneaking around, and alot of pain. Love isn't supposed to hurt, and be hard. It's supposed to be easy and fullfilling. MM/OW or OM/MM relationships ofcourse have feelings, but it's how it starts off that is wrong...Has there ever NOT been a rollercoaster ride? Probably not. Is it worth it?

[newbby]

From OW to W--What Wins, What Loses, And The Art of Getting A Grip

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So much low self esteem on here it is maddening. With the carrying on in this forum why would a single man let alone a MM want to be with individuals like this? I know you wonderful ladies need a place to vent, and rightly so. But we need to see more strong personalities here, if you are going to step to the plate and give a swing with your whole mind, body and spirit with these things. Be honest with yourselves. If you are replaceable he will replace. If you are disposable he will dispose. But if you are his life's goal, identity and desire, he will come for you and fight for you. It happens, it has happened, it happened with me. But to have this happen you have be one hell of a self possessed individual. So if you can stand the length here and the eye strain, read on here, till the end. It will help you and tell you what works and what does not work (from the experience of my situation).

 

Remember, women determine the course of a relationship. Men, for the most part, respond accordingly. If a woman gives herself easily and allows herself to be manipulated (and you are being manipulated the very second you "think" you just might be being manipulated), then the tone of the relationship is permanently set. A woman who presents a very strong standard of self respect and self confidence will be respected. I am not, of course, the first on this forum to state such obvious truisms, but my how it bears endless repeating in this world of sad sack women who just have not become individuals with every opportunity in this free, rich world to do so. Stop the whining right now. Stop with names like "Depressed to Wait" and "Sad Little Moi" and "I am Confused". Stop it now. With this kind of self regard, you are simply ASKING to be treated poorly.

 

I went into my case with practically a sign slung around my neck, "For Marriage Only". For the first nine months we saw each other, we did not touch each other, and no batty-lashed flirtation. I am an American journalist living in northern Italy. He is a Swiss banker and someone I met over the course of researching an article on a chapter of European history. Our connection was intellectually grounded, and politically, culturally, as well as physically--but the "content" of this attraction was first and foremost personality substantive. The excellent physical and then much later sexual aspect was secondary--not the main feature. When we met I was 34, the affair--if that is the word--started when I was 35, and we married when I was (am) 36. He is 24 years older. A civilized friendship started, very reserved, polite, "old Europe" in the sense of manners and comportment, elegance and emotional control. But as confidence grew, details of a marriage on his part very slowly emerged, but never with a sense of "agenda". For he is very deeply Catholic, hails from a discretion oriented family, and it is not his "culture" if you will to just pour out things. So I sensed someone who had a very deadened emotional relationship with his wife, and I later learned that they had not made love in 10 years. It is not my place nor any "other woman"'s place to "bash" the w in any case, but let me only say here that his situation was one in which the marriage after valiant years on his end to make something of it, was met with gross lack of reception by a wife who told him once that she married him for "social reasons" and "that is how it is".

 

I say "valiant" because in addition to bearing the brunt of all of this he was faithful throughout it all--22 years. Not one one-night stand, not one affair, no emotional affair, and believe me, he is a prize and could have have his pick, this dashing high society PH D. Why such monk-like living? Well, again: the Catholicism and the decision he made that that was the decision he made, and cheating was unacceptable. His frustrations were vented in tennis, skiing, friends but he later described himself as "the living dead" without love, without an emotional life.

 

Well prior to me coming on to the scene, he had begun to contemplate a divorce. Annulment was considered, but he has a 17 year old son and even I thought that annulment, the "Catholic" divorce so to speak, was a mite too strong a step to take after 22 years. I saw him for almost exactly a year, then broke it off. Six months after that, he proposed. Here are some conclusions from me about what "works", if that is the correct term, and what does not, where you are the ow and are wondering what may or may not happen.

 

1) His marriage must be in a state of irreversible disrepair regardless of your being in the picture. He has to be already contemplating divorce. The conviction must be taking place outside of you, you are a "catalyst" perhaps, but not the foundation of what is amiss.

 

2) He does not hide it. My then MM told his wife almost right away when we became intimate, that he was seeing someone and would "not give her up"--yet another warning call to his w that they had serious issues. Her response was to "go do what you want", followed by anger, and so on and so forth. But total refusal to work on anything.

 

3) I made it clear, he accepted clearly, that our relation, whatever the course of development, would ultimately become a make or break, divorce or no divorce situation. There was never any acceptance on either end that I should be a "mistress" in the sense that this would bumble along without definition. Well into three months I told him he must start to contemplate changing his life

 

4) You must be a WHOLESALE IMPROVEMENT in his life. You cannot be simply the cute distraction, the sexy babe, the escape from reality, the interesting "other". No, you must represent that not only might the grass be greener on the other side, but that it truly is.

 

5) You must have the patience of an angel and nerves of steel.

 

6) You must be a grown up. You must be in control of your emotions. You won't be 100% of the time--I sure was not. But I was 90% of the time. He is not going to leave one ruined emotional state of affairs in his marriage for a chaotic emotional state of affairs in someone new. The onus on the OW is to be super-human, I am sorry. You are in extraordinary circumstances and you must be and act extraordinary.

 

7) You must be Queen---confidence, cool, being clear of your life's desires and dreams

 

8) You must be Geisha--accomodating, the listening ear, the gentle side of life

 

9) He must have NO RECORD of other OWs, he should have no flings, one night stands in his married past.

 

10) He must be uncomfortable with the whole business, as should you. While vixens and husbands having affairs receive little public sympathy (and for the most part, rightly so) , you must have character. You should see him with a certain amount of guilt, discomfort, conscience. You have to see character. It SHOULD be difficult.

 

11) Be wary of fast promises. Be wary of actions too quick, I love Yous that spill to early, planning weddings and futures when foundations are not solid--all what your instinct tells you but that sweep past us when we are swept away. Stand firm on this earth. Shoulders back, head up!

 

12) You must have a brilliant sense of self identity. You must be a person unto yourself. So in those pockets of lonliness, uncertainty, insecurity, you have your brilliant interests to pursue, you relish all what being single can offer--jumping on planes, trains, boats when you want. Starting Russian lessons for the hell of it. Walking your beautiful walk when you go to the Opera with your cape thrown around your shoulder and no snoring husband. NEVER FORGET that Audrey Hepburn in Paris feeling of how great life is and go after it with zeal. That is an order.

 

13) I made noise at 3 months, stated clearly that I needed to see actions on the homefront with regard to possible divorce at 6 months, walked away at 9 months, and from the corner of my distance eye saw, felt and sensed action on his end at 12 months, and almost six months later was proposed to

 

14) When he said to me once, "I don't think I can do this. It is too much upheaval, I have too many doubts. I cannot live without you but this is too much to bear at the moment", I responded: "Phew! Now I am free to take sailing lessons in Scotland!"

(see item 12)

 

15) I am not so gung ho self confident 24 hours a day. But any over the top anger, "why???" questioning, harping, arguing in past relationships got me the following:

a) no where

b) no where fast

c) unhappy and running round and round in the same place

d) all of the above

 

16) The biggie: If he says that he is not "in love" with his wife, but that he "loves her", run far and fast. That "love" bond, however weakened, is a habit for him, and it will be the glue that bonds. He really must be in an over and done with relationship that simply did not work out.

 

17) The bigger biggie: When he said to me, "I cannot live without you" I said, "Go and work on your marriage and get back to me". When he went and came back and said, "I cannot live without you" I said, "Go back and work on your marriage and then get back to me". And once again. Ladies, you want to make sure that in the swooning and romantic aching, that there is a REALITY CHECK. If you are strong, and you must be, you must turn over EVERY STONE and live with ALL RISKS that he might just might "work on things" at the end of the day. I told him to do so. And when it was really over, I knew it really was.

 

18) The biggest. Words and actions. Words and actions, at the end of the day. Nuff said.

 

This is a great site, with wonderful people giving thoughtful advice. I want to contribute with my experience. Do not worry if it does not work out. Your future is not over. My aunt married (in 1941) at the age of 37 and had three sets of twins and one bonus baby--7 kids. Another aunt married at 40 and had a child at 44. All of my friends are "older" and these stories are not so unusual.

 

Clare Booth Luce, a famous American OW who became w to one of the most powerful men in the US, and herself was a playwright and Congresswoman once said to women: "You have two choices in life: You can be a lion or a mouse. That is it". She was right. You either command with your presence, force of self, and strength, or you wimper away and accept crumbs. Many women here and all over must must must at once figure this out.

[Sami_D]

From what I read from your post, your situation is NO DIFFERENT from anyone here...you fell for a MM with a family and he is torn between them and you. You are told a bunch of BS to make you hang on and he gets his cake and eats it too. You may feel like you are different...but honey..you are just like the rest of us. Your first intuition to stay away from him would have been the best..but our feelings tell us different.!

 

Hello foolinlove.

 

Well, I don't think that my situation is any different to any of yours... otherwise what would be the point in my posting here asking for similar stories and input?

 

The difference I spoke of was that (at the moment) I'm not engaged in a NC situation. As I've said on Lynne's thread - I may find myself in JUST that situation in a very short time. So please don't think I believe my story is any different from any of yours'.

 

I'm actually posting and requesting input because I feel that listening to some of your voices and stories might help me in dealing with what I am facing next week... which IS potentially delaying/avoidance tactics on his part. I really welcome any words that might help me think of my situation in all sorts of different ways.

 

And yeah, I might be finding myself on NC very soon... I don't know yet.

[newbby]

wwiu, i am sure that it COULD be like that, but, if handled correctly it doesnt have to be

[lynnered]

"His marriage is tolerable for him as long as he works away during the week (he sees his children at weekends), and has me to think about and look forward to. "

Mined works nights 11pm-7am with a long commute &W works 9am-5pm ,dif days off ,i work days as well but we would talk to &from work ,he sleeps days so he will usually do overtime alot when i do NC.

During A whenever he would have to spend time there or winter time they fight like crazy ,he gets in a bad mood usaully after days off .

So i do understand U sami_d ,its hard .

Just think everything through it may or maynot end up like mine ,Yes its a bad M they dont even like each other!!the stories i could tell!his dad has told me some as well!!

I hope he has strength to leave that was mines main problem .

[whichwayisup]

How could anybody who has been married for a long time, jump out of a marriage, a life, with kids...End it all and then POOF! Jump straight into the new life of OW and starting all over again?

 

Is it just me or is there something wrong here?

[newbby]

nope there would be alot of adjusting to do. the mm and ow would have to be equally committed to making it work it sounds that with these discussions that sami d and her mm are having they are being very realistic about this.

[lynnered]

whichwayisup:A man is with OW. He has his wife too. Things are wonderful, he's happier than a pig in s***, the wife doesn't know, the OW is there for him anytime, anywhere, she'll usually drop whatever is going on in her life to be with him a second's call. Why would he want to give that up?"

 

How do U know he is happy?if M is over in his head ,the W (to mine anyway)was a person he shouldnt have even dated much less M & have a C with?

Maybe OW loves/loved him ,treated him wonderful,showed him that a loving relationship can be good,showed him what he is missing?

 

whichwayisup:Then, he wants to leave and be with OW. But is too scared to leave the life he knows and feels safe in. The "not really knowing" if the OW/MM relationship will work out, he goes back and forth in his head.... Wife, or OW. Backnforth..."

Yes the devil U know...?doesnt mean M is happy cause hes scared ,i dont think its so much not knowing my MM didnt doubt that just C,and yes a fear of change ,not seeing C everyday,dealing with W being psycho ,all real issues.

 

whichwayisup:My question is, once a MM/OW are together. Can it last? Girls, ask yourself that. IF each of you had your MM and fast forward a year, things are good and everybody is happy. Would the trust really be there 100%? Are you worried he could cheat on you? Does he trust you fully, wondering well, she was with a MM before, what would stop her from doing it again?

Yes it can last mine started as frinedship ,a great foundation,communication ,awsome lovemaking,i trust him ,we talk about our issues ,its not all black & white ,and if he wanted to leave he knows with me i wont hold a gun to his head or a child to keep him.

maybe it was worth it ?the pain suxs yes but the love ,the learning ,i truly taught my MM alot that all women are not B****,that he deserves to be loved &treated right,to be spoken to with respect,yeah it got messy towsrds the end ,no matter all the crazy things that happend we still love each other ,so maybe it was worth it ?

[lynnered]

wwiu, i am sure that it COULD be like that, but, if handled correctly it doesnt have to be

It doesnt have to have hope!

Dont accept less then U deserve !

And every story is differnt ,so dont take that negative attitude !

Ur eyes are open to what could happen ,that is great ,U have a support system with us no matter what U do.

[lynnered]

How could anybody who has been married for a long time, jump out of a marriage, a life, with kids...End it all and then POOF! Jump straight into the new life of OW and starting all over again?

 

Is it just me or is there something wrong here?

Its just U:lmao:

Emotially he is out of the M,it has ended not the love for C,but for W,he is a father ,fufilling his obligation /responsibility for C.

How many years has it been over ?we dont know ,so he made another C?people sleep with people they dont love everyday.

Not everyone thinks of M as U do or i do,Men especially so many more obligations .

Ive dated guys &stayed longer then i should have ,and love was gone ,its hard to end a relationship ,comfort does not mean U are happy.