MM says he's leaving his wife... stories/advice/comments?

[OldEurope]

By the way, Old Europe is one of the women who made her MM divorce after a year and marry her! So she is probably most competent in this matter. I think you should see the thread she strated before and read it carefully.

However her case is different from yours as her guy didn't have children, was married for a long time, and is European.

 

 

Hi RP! This was nice of you to say. Just a ps, my guy does have a son (now 16) and this, the child factor, was probably the most serious hurdle in my case as well. Had to go cold-turkey NC for a bit when he waffled (mostly over that issue), but stayed gently on the side lines. The children are the excruciating aspect, but many a married partner must come to ask if a hostile "home" life is any better for them. In response to beenthere-donethat, no, no OW ever knows what is being said to the wife, that is why it is actions for the ow that have significance far beyond words. Of course, that is true in any relation. I mean a "single" guy could have girlfriends tucked around all over the place and his "main" girlfriend not know anything of it. So...they're all devils till proven innocent! Ha!

[RecordProducer]

my guy does have a son (now 16)

Ohhhh, I didn't know that... so how does he feel about his father divorcing his mom and marrying another woman?

 

no OW ever knows what is being said to the wife, that is why it is actions for the ow that have significance far beyond words.

I've never been the other woman, but I agree.

[Sami_D]

Hello again all.

 

Well Monday morning, as I got packed ready to go up to see him, it somehow crept into my mind that NC was the only thing to do. There were a couple of accidents on the motorway, making me late, which almost tempted me to turn round and come home, but I knew that if I was to do this properly I needed to tell him face-to-face, to talk to him, spend time with him, and not do it in a telephone call. So I got on the plane, got to the hotel, he came back and it was so good to see him again. We had a nice meal and drinks in our 'local' (as we call it), and he asked me if there was something I wanted to ask him... I said no. But later, he asked again what was wrong, and I said that the people on the forum said that the only thing to do was go NC. He asked me what I thought, and I said that I thought that it was what I ought to do.

 

We didn't discuss it much that evening; he was sort of shocked or quietened. But the next day we had together we had time to talk about the decision and what we both thought about it. This man I love didn't try to talk me out of it, though he said that he wanted to, he wasn't going to because he knew it was the right thing for me to do.

 

I won't go through the things we said about NC, or our relationship, or how much we both wanted to be together and share more 'memories', see more films (we watched two of my favourites on DVD), discuss more Physics and philosophy and politics and everything that we've always shared. Suffice to say, we spent a great week together. A time that I'll always remember, just like all the other hours we've shared.

 

This morning just after 8.30am we (again) told each other how much we love each other, and he left the hotel room to check out. And then I got packed, showered, and to the airport home. Yes, it has been difficult. I think it's been the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I'm doing it because I love him, and I don't want our love to get sour. And I want us to be together.

 

There are to be no more texts, emails, phonecalls, postcards or meetings. Nothing initiated from me. The only way we will ever be in contact again is if he calls me to say that he's left her.

 

Thank you all again for your help.

[newbby]

well done sami, you did the right thing.

[Sami_D]

Thanks, newbby.

[Sami_D]

When you feel down, try positive thinking,

That's what I'm told the man said,

Don't wear a frown, try positive thinking,

Laugh at your troubles instead.

You've got to look on the bright side,

On hope so much depends,

With your confidence sinking,

Positive thinking helps you on the way, my friend.

 

When things look black, try positive thinking,

Treat every season as Spring,

No glancing back, try positive thinking,

Trust what tomorrow may bring.

This crazy world that we live in,

Will keep on spinning round,

But with good, strong, positive thinking,

We'll get together and life won't let us down.

[Sami_D]

Well that's it for me on this site. I've given my story, got my advice and taken it. Now it's up to me to apply it.

 

If there are any developments with MM, I'll post some more, but failing that, just assume that this was the end, and it 'didn't work out'.

 

Thanks again for all your help.

[Hot Coco]

Sami, I'm really sorry that you're leaving us. Are you doing alright? I'm sensing that you're down. I hope I'm wrong. Don't give up on finding the right guy for you! He'll come along. Just keep your eyes open. True love is never full of drama or heartache. It should be easy and effortless. You WILL find it and one day this whole A and this MM will be a distant memory to you. You'll see. But as long as you're still in the grips of this MM you won't be emotionally available or aware of your TRUE love.

 

Hang in there!

[Katch22]

I've read all the posts from MM say's he leaving!! Well if you will go to

"Here's a real DOOZY" posted by me you will get the just of my story.

But it sounds all to similar to Sami d & all other OW, with a little twist that gives each one of us the hope & faith that ours will turn out differently. After reading all of this I'm surely leaning to the NC RULES!! I have wrestled with that for a veeeeerrrrryyyy long time. I laughed hysterically when I read Old Europe post about calling him and cussing him out and telling him off!! God knows & all my friends know that I have done that time and time again. Usually when there is alcohol involved and he knows that. He will call the next morning and ask me were you drinking last night and I have to say I'm sorry for what I said I was mad and drunk!!! OPPPS!!!

There was even a time when I was driving down the road the next morning he was going the other way at the exact time he was getting my famous message!!

It consisted of F you and the Fin horse you rode in to my life on. the message went on for about 5 mins and I think I won the record on how many f bombs could be said in that amount of mins. LOL!! He locked up the brakes in his car busted a u-turn and pulled up behind me and flashed his lights when that didn't work he pulled up next to me and rolled down the window and yelled pull the f over! For a breif moment I thought maybe I went a little to far. He couldn't believe that his sweet understanding wonderful gf could flip her lid like I did. And as usual we were laughing at each other within mins and all was well but that band aid only stays on for so long. Until I'm alone again and missing him and now everytime I'm alone I think about the fact that he's there with them. It use to be the thought of he "he would rather be here with me" that would make me feel better but the longer it goes on the less and less that works it actually has the opposite effect on me now!!

Well here's my dilema now and don't know what to do. I've got several very big things going on in my life that he is very much involved in one of which is

my b-day and we have plans to go away for it for almost a year. All of my friends say to go because they all agree that if I stay here and he's gone to our special place because he has no choice on wether he goes or not and I stay here that I will probably go over to his house and tell her everything that I've always wanted to say. But I really think what I might do is do NC for now and then the week of my b-day see if I still want to go and make the decision then. But please read my story because it does have a very different twist then any story I've read so far!! Turst me!!!

 

Thanks Sami d you have inspired me to finally do something for ME instead worry about him like I have for so long!! :love:

[OldEurope]

Just a PS to "Katch"...I don't recall telling Sami D or Confused Woman to call her/their MM to "cuss him out". Not my style. I always believe the gent comes running, crawling, crying, dying back to the woman--be she OW, W(but not both at once!)--and that SHE never "cusses" to anyone. Just my small edit. Cheers!

[megabit15]

Well that's it for me on this site. I've given my story, got my advice and taken it. Now it's up to me to apply it.

 

If there are any developments with MM, I'll post some more, but failing that, just assume that this was the end, and it 'didn't work out'.

 

Thanks again for all your help.

Take care Sami...it's been really nice talking with you.

[Katch22]

Old Europe I didn't mean it the way it came across. you had said to call when you were calm and not upset and it made me laugh cause I learned that the hard way. You had said to call when you were level head and cool tempered.

[Sami_D]

if you are as self-confident as you report, you would apply NC, knowing that you are to be won, and that you will turn on your high heel and go, if things-as-they-are do not pick up momentum in the right direction.

 

You are clearly not happy with the inertia that has settled into what is going on, nor can it be too comforting for you to know that, in his words, current arrangments make his marriage "tolerable" (again, red flag there).

 

NC has a definite genius about it, when done correctly--that is, in a cool, calm manner of withdrawl, NOT teary, hair-pulling phone calls of "You bastard! That is that! I am gone!". I strongly doubt there is any OW who became a W who at some point (and you are at the 18 month point--that is A LOT of time) did not go into serious NC. Ultimately it shows true savvy and self respect.

 

Despite my blip on Monday, I'm continuing in NC.

 

The only times I've seriously wondered about my self-respect have been when i've read this forum and heard over and over about how he is doing what he's doing (whatever he happens to be doing) because he's a low-life with no intentions of trying to do the right thing. At those times I've weakened, wondered if I could 'accept' less than I wanted, thought about calling off my decision.

 

All this negativity (not on this thread, but others) is NOT helping me stick to NC. It is, in fact, having almost the opposite effect. I have felt like throwing in the towel and just accepting what you all tell me is what he wants (to have and eat cake).

 

I do NOT believe it, and I won't.

 

I will continue to do NC because I think it's the only way to get this situation to a point that we are BOTH happy with.

[Sami_D]

By the way, Old Europe is one of the women who made her MM divorce after a year and marry her! So she is probably most competent in this matter. I think you should see the thread she strated before and read it carefully.

However her case is different from yours as her guy didn't have children, was married for a long time, and is European.

 

Old Europe's man had a child. My MM has been married 15 years, and we're not American (though I'm not entirely sure what the point of that might or might not be).

[Sami_D]

It's pretty rare to see an OW take the opportunity to move on of her own accord without having to be brutally dumped for her to want to move on (and even then, they still don't want to move on). I've not seen many OW have the sense of strength and self-preservation to move on, until they had absolutely no choice but to do so when the apocolyptic d-day came, and MM put her on solid 'no contact'.

 

I'm trying to remain this strong woman.

[Hot Coco]

I didn't get RP's post either.

 

I don't get the part about wanting to through in the towel if he's a cake eater. What does that mean? That you'll stay with him if that's what he is? By doing NC you'll KNOW whether he is or not. If he isn't and REALLY wants you he'll leave W. If he IS a cake eater he'll stay with her and still try to keep you. Pretty simple really. I just don't get why that would make you throw in the towel if he IS a cake eater. Are you willing to be with him even if he is?

 

Good luck with NC Sami! You can do it!

[Sami_D]

Well, Coco, I'm very confused and trying my best to stay on track. Like I said in the new NC thread, I get too many thoughts each hour.

 

By doing NC you'll KNOW whether he is or not. If he isn't and REALLY wants you he'll leave W. If he IS a cake eater he'll stay with her and still try to keep you. Pretty simple really.

 

Yeah, well that is what I thought. And I was really happy when he told me (on Monday, when I broke NC) that he wanted to maintain the NC. Because I took that as... he's really trying, he doesn't want this to be an affair. IF he just wanted me at any cost, surely he'd be latching on to any weakness I showed in trying to keep up the NC?

 

But then I read all these comments about how that's WRONG. That he's tricking me in some way. I just don't get the 'reasoning' going on on this forum. It seems that whatever MM does, he's a cake-eater, and whatever I do, I have no self-respect.

 

There has to be another take on this, but it's just not coming through. There's no kind of allowance for the possibility that we're both trying our hardest to not let this be just another desperate OW/MM scenario.

[Hot Coco]

No, forget about it. It's pretty black and white. Don't listen to everything you hear. It's not true that no matter what he does, he's a cake eater. The fact that he's respecting NC is very GOOD! It means he may NOT BE a cake eater. Now, the question remains will he remain married or go with you? Because it sounds like he's no longer able to do both and may actually respect you too much now to do both.

 

Only time will tell how this will play out. If I were you, I'd try to get out there and meet others and not just wait for him though.

[Sami_D]

I just don't get why that would make you throw in the towel if he IS a cake eater. Are you willing to be with him even if he is?

 

 

I don't think he's a 'cake eater'. By that term I understand it to be someone happy and willing and wanting to have everything, wherever he gets it from, and however many women are involved.

 

My question through all this has been... should I have given him more time, in which to be with his daughter in the house she's grown up in, without disturbing her life or her belief in her parents' marriage. Without ruining her happiness, and his ability to be there (albeit only at weekends) to read her her goodnight stories, and to take her to horse-riding and swimming. I don't want to do the WRONG THING.

 

I came here asking for some kind of help in doing the right thing, and I was told that NC would be the only way. NOT because it was better for anyone but me. Because on the one hand it would help me to 'move on' (I don't want to do that), but (from Old Europe) the idea that it would 'force' him to make a decision between keeping the old structure, and breaking with his wife and beginning a new phase in his life.

 

But I've always had serious doubts about that. I have always been uncertain whether or not NC was a good plan. I really do believe him when he's said it is too hard to leave. I don't believe that's a line. It's what he feels. But I was willing to try NC because so many people advised it, for all sorts of reasons.

 

No, I don't want to be involved with someone who is feeding me a line, who is happy with the situation as it was. But I don't want to lose him for the sake of a tug-of-hearts between his present situation and something else.

 

I never wanted to put him into a make-or-break ultimatum situation. NOT because I fear that he doesn't love me, but because I am with him in doubting when a move towards something else is best to happen.

[Hot Coco]

Sami this is a tough one. If in your heart of hearts you think he won't leave because it's just too hard for him and he can't do it or won't do it and you still want to be with him then do it knowing that he'll never REALLY be ALL yours.

 

But if you're the kind of gal who wants all or nothing (as most of us are) then you'll do NC to see if you get ALL or NOTHING. It doesn't sound to me like you want to risk that it might be "nothing."

 

That's really the decision you have to make. Can you accept just part of him? Then there's absolutely NO need for NC. Only do it if you want all or nothing...only do it if having him part of the time is NOT an alternative.

 

That's it. Once you decide if you want all or nothing the decision whether to do NC is made. So have you decided? I don't remember every detail of your situation.

 

It sounds like maybe you want to wait for him since there's a child involved. Then there again, no reason for NC. You will have accepted the role of OW.

[Sami_D]

At the moment I don't know what he'll do. I'm trusting that he'll do what he thinks is right. And I'm willing to live with that, whatever it is.

[Sami_D]

No, forget about it. It's pretty black and white. Don't listen to everything you hear. It's not true that no matter what he does, he's a cake eater. The fact that he's respecting NC is very GOOD! It means he may NOT BE a cake eater. Now, the question remains will he remain married or go with you? Because it sounds like he's no longer able to do both and may actually respect you too much now to do both.

 

Thanks Coco.

[Hot Coco]

You're welcome Sami. Sounds like you've made a decision. You're willing to accept whatever he does. There's no real reason for NC then. If you accept that things may never change then what's the point in NC? If you believe that he REALLY is telling you the truth and will leave anyway, when the time is right, then there's no reason for nc in this case.

 

Here's what I think: Most people are going to tell you NC because MOST women aren't willing to accept the situation as it stands. That's the reality. If you REALLY accept it as it is, then there's no need for you to go NC. It serves no purpose in your situation.

 

But here's the thing, most of us will advise people based on our own moral code of right and wrong. I'm trying to not do that with you Sami. I myself think this is wrong on so many levels BUT since you're determined to keep him AND you believe what he says, then keep him accepting what he tells you and accepting the situation.

 

The thing is, that this could go on for years and there may be a time when you don't want to wait for him and/or you see he's not been completely honest with you. It will be so much harder then to leave than it would be now plus you would have wasted years that you could have had your "own" man.

 

The NC thing in your case would only be to see if he'll leave and go to you but you say you'll stay whether he leaves or not so I'm not sure why you're even doing NC.

 

Do you see what I'm saying?

[Sami_D]

 

The NC thing in your case would only be to see if he'll leave and go to you but you say you'll stay whether he leaves or not so I'm not sure why you're even doing NC.

 

Do you see what I'm saying?

 

I do see what you're saying Coco.

 

In fact if you had time to scroll up through these posts, then you would find me arguing exactly what you've just said in your last post.

 

However, something on that last Monday when I went up to see him told me to take this chance on NC. And when I told him that that's what I thought I should do, he said, that he accepted that, and hoped that it would work. Then two days ago, when I said I couldn't do it any longer, he said that he thought we should stick to NC.

 

So what I'm hoping is, that the reason for this determination on his part is that he really would like it to work out for us.

[Hot Coco]

Sami,

 

I just went back and read from your first post. You said:

 

"I'm not interested in being OW, and never have been."

 

That contradicts what you just said. You said you were willing to accept whatever decision he makes. Maybe I misunderstood. You said you're willing to live with whatever decision he makes. Does that mean you'll leave him if he stays with W? Or does that mean you will stay with him and accept that? Now, I'm confused since you say you're not interested in being OW. You can't stay with him while he's with W and NOT be the OW. You WOULD be the OW.

 

I'm guessing that you're just not sure what YOU want to do. Unless I misunderstood what you're saying. But you first have to really ask yourself...can I stay with him if he doesn't leave W?

 

Personally, I'm too "selfish" I guess. I wouldn't want to share my man with another woman. I have to be first always. I think I deserve that. I think I'm good enough to be the only woman in my H's life and I wouldn't accept anything less.

 

Do you think those things about yourself?

 

These are the questions you must ask yourself. No one can REALLY tell you what to do. You know yourself better than anyone.

 

My guess is that you DO feel you should come first and deserve that but you don't want to lose him. Life is tough that way sometimes. You are at an important crossroads in your life. What you decide to do will have repercussions for you for many years if not forever.

 

You decide now what kind of person you are.

 

There'll be support here no matter which way you go with it...but you know what? In your heart of hearts, deep down, I think you know what you must do or you wouldn't even be struggling with this at all.