BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) I'm in quite a mess. My boyfriend and I were in a relationship for almost six years. I thought we were doing good. Last year, he got a new co-worker, a young female 20 years his junior (someone just five years older than his eldest daughter). She lives and breathes fitness just like him. I had known her from before. We both were members of the same community organization. I didn't have a positive view of her then--not because of jealousy or anything, but her attitude and how she interacted with others. I expressed my discomfort to him about her. He reassured me that they are just friends and he doesn't find her to be his type. However, a few weeks ago, I discovered (through social media posts) that they were obviously more than co-workers. They had been traveling to out-of state races together without telling me. They had also dressed up for a company Christmas party that he could've taken me to, but I had no idea he had gone. I only found out weeks later from mutual friends/his colleagues who were concerned about our relationship and wondering where I was. He told me that they are just friends, that he has the right to have friends--he literally said that she is a buddy for the things I cannot do like participate in races and lift weights, etc. She's also super conscious about nutrition. This opened up huge amounts of insecurity--got me feeling like I wasn't enough. What's more he doesn't see why I'm upset. To him, they're just friends. But what type of friends do those intimate things like partying and sports events behind your significant other's back? I got so mad, mainly because I felt disrespected. He totally forgot he had a girlfriend. And he thought keeping their activities from me was alright. Maybe he was trying to protect me and keep his freedom knowing that I didn't like her. I got so angry when I found out about the races and the Christmas party. I felt betrayed and unwanted. I felt pushed aside for someone I couldn't compete with. I sent him some very mean and angry texts, which got him very mad. Even though he's over there thinking he did nothing wrong, my anger pushed him further away. He also was upset that someone snapped a picture of them at the party and sent it to me. It was a work event. So he knew it was one of my friends who happen to be his colleagues too. This made him realize that his reputation may be on the line. It's been a few weeks now since we fell out. I still have a very difficult time wrapping my head around the whole thing. I want to be in denial that he would choose her over me. I don't want it to be true that he would give up on everything we've been through for her. Maybe they are indeed only friends, but why the secrecy? Why did he have to compromise our relationship? Edited March 9, 2020 by BrokenHeart85 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I'm very sorry to hear this brings you here. Assuming you know most of what's went on here (and that's a big assumption I'm afraid) this sounds very much like what's known as an emotional affair (EA). That's as opposed to a physical affair (PA). I actually think it's reasonably likely it was a PA too unfortunately. I don't think you need to, or should rationalize his actions or remain in denial. He cheated on you, plain and simple. He was going on dates (at least) with this other woman while dating you. He's in denial if he thinks he was doing nothing wrong. I don't know what kind of relationship you have, but if it's been weeks since you've contacted each other it sounds like he may have decided to go with her. She may "plan A" now (and may have been that for at least a while, unfortunately). Don't blame yourself for that - what he did was completely unfair and unacceptable except in a bona fide, consented to "open" relationship. If he comes back to you e.g. in a few weeks, you should probably insist that he stop seeing her completely. Wives have the option of threatening (and often carrying out) divorce in a situation like yours. Unfortunately you don't have that leverage. Sometimes a betrayed spouse (BS) will insist that the wayward spouse (WS) change jobs in a situation like this. Again, I'm not sure how feasible that is for you. Your best option may be to realize you've been unfairly deceived, see him for what he is, hold your head up and move on. Be sure to update your thread if attempts to reconcile and "come back to you" as there are folks around here who are accustomed to giving advice and support for people in situations like yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) Thanks for reading and for your reply. I have to also mention that he tried to reach out and explain when I had discovered the photos. I shut him out and was too angry. Instead of talking, I sent those angry texts--which only made him madder. Sending those and letting him know exactly how I felt was my way of screaming my pain out silently. In my view it's like--no matter how you try to explain, one can't get over the fact you did this behind my back. You went on and still go on thinking there was no problem since you claim to only be friends. What excuse have you got for not asking me to the company party? All of it makes me uneasy. I get sick to my stomach. Why didn't he draw up his boundaries? Can he be so stupid to get involved with a teammate? With someone who's old enough to be his daughter? What's more, did he think he could hide this from me? I have a lot of friends at his work. I heard from them that they were spending a lot of time together. It's humiliating. I'm really angry that this happened. I spoke to him last in a phone call two weeks ago when he was very angry that I would accuse him and he tried to defend himself saying there was nothing between them, etc. Since then, I've confided in two friends and a therapist. His birthday was yesterday, and I didn't contact him, though it was emotional for me. Healing will take a while, but I know I've got it in me. Edited March 9, 2020 by BrokenHeart85 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 He had the nerve to say I compromised his reputation and hers at work. I think he did that. He told me when he said to me he wasn't into her that she was this type of person who was very charming around guys, especially the senior management. She had already had that reputation prior anyway. Plus, it was our mutual contacts/friends who alerted me that they were spending a lot of time together. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 31 minutes ago, BrokenHeart85 said: In my view it's like--no matter how you try to explain, one can't get over the fact you did this behind my back. You went on and still go on thinking there was no problem since you claim to only be friends. What excuse have you got for not asking me to the company party? What was his reason for that? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 If there is nothing between them, it's not for lack of trying! She being much younger, it's pretty much a given he's attracted to her. She may not be attracted to him. She might even be using him to advance herself some way. Whatever. He's doing stuff behind your back. You have every reason to be mad and I haven't heard you say he's done anything in the way of making this go away except deny it's more than friends. I don't know what to tell you except that if he's not playing, he's wanting to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 So he works with her and spends some time with her, went to the company party without you, and went to some races with her. Were the races work related? Where did you think he was at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) @ExpatInItaly He never answered that. In our falling out, we didn't go into detail. At least, he did most of the talking. His blanket statement is--don't I have the right to have friends? Edited March 9, 2020 by BrokenHeart85 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) @Fletch Lives I wasn't aware of how much time outside the office they were spending together. Those races were completely not work-related. The Spartan Races--apparently they're popular. He found someone right under his nose who he could do them with. He had told me about the races, but he never told me that she'd be there too. I only found out from her Instagram posts. The work party is what gets me... I've been before with him and he knows I like getting dressed up. He didn't tell me he was going this year. I just found out later through perplexed friends/his colleagues that they were spotted together there. Not sure if they came or left together. Edited March 9, 2020 by BrokenHeart85 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 2 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: But what type of friends do those intimate things like partying and sports events behind your significant other's back? * * * Maybe they are indeed only friends, but why the secrecy? Why did he have to compromise our relationship? They are not just friends. If they were there would be no secrecy. Their behavior was such that other people wondered if he was cheating or if you two had broken up. He & she compromised their own reputations at work by carrying on this way. As for why he did it, only he knows. You best put the whole thing behind you. Grieve. Heal. Move on. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 You see this all the time. Naïveté at its finest. We are “just friends” is probably the biggest lie told. These scenarios have a tendency to morph into something more. While it may not you are walking on the ledge. So there’s always a chance you’ll fall off. If you stay off the ledge you can’t. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) Well good luck to her! She's not even 30, and she nabbed herself a 50-year-old divorced father of four (and grandfather), who's been having health issues as of late. Edited March 9, 2020 by BrokenHeart85 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 12 minutes ago, BrokenHeart85 said: Well good luck to her! She's not even 30, and she nabbed herself a 50-year-old divorced father of four (and grandfather), who's been having health issues as of late. Eh, chances are that he is more into her than the other way around. It will probably burn out quickly for her, but in the end? It doesn't really matter. It's his behaviour here that damaged your relationship. I agree that his secrecy is suspicious and I don't think he views her as just a friend. I wouldn't have trusted his intentions, either. Neglecting to even let you know his company work party was taking place, and opting not to invite you, is the serious red flag you interpreted it to be. That wasn't an inadvertent omission and he knows it. He's just mad that the cat is out of the bag and it will make him look bad at work. The anger is noise meant to distract you from his own crappy conduct. How had things been between you before this woman was on his radar, out of curiosity? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 @ExpatInItaly Things were great between us. We had some ups and downs before but overcame them and toward the end of 2019, we had been closer than ever before. We had been looking at houses and talking about traveling together soon. He had been worried about turning 50 so he was being stricter about his diet and exercise, etc. Little did I know she was helping him along the way... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 1 hour ago, BrokenHeart85 said: The work party is what gets me... I've been before with him and he knows I like getting dressed up. He didn't tell me he was going this year. I just found out later through perplexed friends/his colleagues that they were spotted together there. Yeah, just part of a larger pattern of deception unfortunately. If he was just chatting with her at this party like a normal work friend, no one would have taken notice. They had a "couples vibe", hence you were sent the photo. 1 hour ago, BrokenHeart85 said: He had the nerve to say I compromised his reputation and hers at work. I think he did that. Yep, completely true. I agree with others it's quite possible that, if she accepts him as an "open" BF (which might or might not even happen) it will likely fizzle out sooner or later. IF that happens and it ends, he will have lost you, who would have been loyal, over some short term fun. If all that happens, he may come crawling back one day. Don't be shocked. Hopefully you will have pulled yourself together and moved on by then to a better relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 @mark clemson This is not forgivable--not in my book--the deception, the way he made me feel insecure, the way he tried to make me look like I was the crazy one, etc. I just having a really hard time getting over that betrayal. That's why I'm here. I want to move so far away from this to a point where it no longer affects me or is largely forgotten. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 Maybe in our falling out, he pinned the blame on me, calling me out for my erratic and crazy behavior. He was using that as an excuse to end it for good when it was freeing him up to continue with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 49 minutes ago, BrokenHeart85 said: She's not even 30, and she nabbed herself a 50-year-old divorced father of four (and grandfather), who's been having health issues as of late. You asked why he preferred her to you. The above is the answer. His health issues make him worry about his mortality. She gives him a sense of youth. It's an age old story, being traded in for a newer model. If you are younger then his EX wife, you know it's a take he has read before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 6 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: But what type of friends do those intimate things like partying and sports events behind your significant other's back? That's the problem---he's deceitful. If things were really on the up and up, he'd have told you about all these little excursions the two of them have been taking. He would have taken you to the christmas party and still dressed up to clown around the party when he met her there. If you have people coming to you concerned because he's allowing this chick to eclipse you, socially, and he's balking at you saying something to him about it, then he needs a wake up call. If there is really nothing between them, then he'd invite you to go along on their little excursions. How would he feel if you were doing the same thing to him behind his back? Ask him that and see what he says. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 @kendahke Well, he blocked me. We're not talking. So, I wouldn't know. He's been jealous of my guy friends and acquaintances in the past. I imagine he wouldn't like it, butI was always transparent with him and told him everything. I'm struggling so hard to find the answers to my 'why?' Suffice it to say that he's just scum? This whole thing we had was a complete lie... all 5.5 years of it. Boy, was I stupid. I'm sorry I met him. I'm sorry I gave so much of myself to him. That's some pretty shady stuff he did. Diminishes your hope in people. Like he doesn't feel. He has no emotions and is able to hurt people without remorse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 If it was as innocent as he says it was then why did he feel the need to keep it all a secret? Because it wasn't innocent that's why. He's smitten from the attention he receives from a much younger woman. She doesn't want him, not really. She too likes the attention but that wont last. She's young and has so many more options than he does. She's not going to stick around with a man that's old enough to be her father. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 19 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: However, a few weeks ago, I discovered (through social media posts) that they were obviously more than co-workers. They had been traveling to out-of state races together without telling me. They had also dressed up for a company Christmas party that he could've taken me to, but I had no idea he had gone. I only found out weeks later from mutual friends/his colleagues who were concerned about our relationship and wondering where I was. He told me that they are just friends, that he has the right to have friends--he literally said that she is a buddy for the things I cannot do like participate in races and lift weights, etc. She's also super conscious about nutrition. This opened up huge amounts of insecurity--got me feeling like I wasn't enough. What's more he doesn't see why I'm upset. To him, they're just friends. But what type of friends do those intimate things like partying and sports events behind your significant other's back? You are not being unreasonable or jealous. He is trying to keep you mollified while he test drives the new relationship. If it fails, he has you at home to run back to. Unfortunately for him, you have allies that are looking out for your interests. He got angry because he wasn't ready to leave you yet. He had not sealed the deal with the new girl when you executed a preemptive strike. You certainly have very valid reasons for dumping him. He will likely try to come back after a few months. Think it over very carefully before you say yes. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 15 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You asked why he preferred her to you. The above is the answer. His health issues make him worry about his mortality. She gives him a sense of youth. It's an age old story, being traded in for a newer model. If you are younger then his EX wife, you know it's a take he has read before. I have to agree here. While I'm divorced, and single... I have a girl who is 20 years younger than me... and I love being around her because somewhere in my head... I'm 27 again. Unfortunately... when I look at myself in the mirror, and pictures... I just feel older. But with what's going on with you... you are right to walk away. When I worked in an office... I never hid the fact from my exW that I had some girls I flirted with, or went to lunch with. And if it was something in the evening... the exW was always informed/invited. If he has adult kids... he may get some pressure from them about "What happed" and hopefully it will get him to think about his life choses. But unfortunately... the bond has been broken with you, and your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) There's no fool like an old fool. Yeah, he's mad because you're right and he can't be wrong. He's mad because he got caught. He was selfish and self-serving. I once worked in an office where were there was a bunch of 40 and 50 year old guys a couple of 40 and 50 year old women and one woman who I just turned 30. She was the receptionist. At any given time if you went by her desk there would be one or more of these older men standing around just gabbing to her. They didn't socialize with any of the women their own age in the office. They liked to think they fit in more with her. Hanging around with a younger woman made them feel like they weren't getting old. It was really pathetic to watch. In time your boyfriend will be left high and dry by this woman, but there's no reason you need to stick around and watch it. You should block him right back and be done with him and make sure he can't look at your social media so that you don't have to sit around and worry about what he thinks about what you're doing right now or what you're not doing. We should block him so that you can mourn the relationship on your own time and not get caught up trying to date someone just to show him you moved on or some of that nonsense. You really don't want to waste another minute on this guy. The goal is to stop thinking about what he thinks about what you're doing or whether he looks at your social media or not and stop caring what happens to him. So sorry this happened to you. Block him and slam that door. Edited March 10, 2020 by preraph 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 19 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: the way he tried to make me look like I was the crazy one, Its called gaslighting, Google it.Cheating and manipulation: Confessions of a gaslighter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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