elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 19 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: the way he tried to make me look like I was the crazy one, Its called gaslighting, Google it.Cheating and manipulation: Confessions of a gaslighter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 8 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: This whole thing we had was a complete lie... all 5.5 years of it. Boy, was I stupid. It's understandable how you feel right now, but that's probably not true. His friendship probably was just a friendship (in his mind as well) for quite some time and didn't develop into an EA until later. No reason not to be just as pissed off, but this probably emerged relatively late. You don't want to walk away from this with permanent trust issues (he appears to have some). See a counselor for a while at some point if you feel the need to talk it through with someone in detail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 1 minute ago, mark clemson said: His friendship probably was just a friendship (in his mind as well) for quite some time and didn't develop into an EA until later. How can you possibly know that? 50yo guys do not usually hang around with 20 something year old women just for friendship... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Usually. But sometimes some do as your statement acknowledges. They both apparently had a shared interest in extreme fitness, which isn't for everyone. While I can't read his mind, OP has friends at her office who let her know. So it's reasonable to conclude they haven't openly had a couples vibe until fairly recently. Also he was taking OP to the office events, etc, so he had no problem with them seeing each other. People in an office tend to be sensitive to how much time/attention people of the opposite sex are spending on each other, which is how this got discovered, so it's reasonable IMO to conclude this didn't intensify until fairly recently. My guess is it started as a shared interest/friendship and developed into an EA and then a more "open" style EA or just a full affair (however one wants to classify it). By the way, I said "probably" not "I know". Perhaps you'd like to tell me exactly how you know I'm wrong and they've actually been in an affair for the entire 5.5 years of OP's relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 9 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: I'm struggling so hard to find the answers to my 'why?' Suffice it to say that he's just scum? Deceitful scum, to be exact. 9 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: Boy, was I stupid. I'm sorry I met him. I'm sorry I gave so much of myself to him. That's some pretty shady stuff he did. Diminishes your hope in people. No, you weren't stupid. You were dealing with a deceitful, false dissembler who kept you in the dark while gaslighting you. Thing is, now, going forward, you will know the signs when they first come up and you will be able to avoid men who are prone to this dysfunctional behavior. Return the block favor---take back your power. Understand that even if he did come 'round with an apology, it doesn't mean it doesn't have a manipulation aspect to it or it's sincere. It may be something he does to make himself feel better for lying to you for years. Keep your head up. You haven't done anything wrong here. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Perhaps you'd like to tell me exactly how you know I'm wrong and they've actually been in an affair for the entire 5.5 years of OP's relationship? Since she only started working with him last year then I highly doubt the affair/friendship has been going on for 5.5 years... Though saying that, she has been around them for years, so the affair/friendship may indeed have predated the start of her working there... Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 There is a very simple, yet highly unsatisfying, answer as to “why”. Because this man lacks character. He is a selfish individual who showed he is not capable of making moral choices or keeping honest communication. His behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you, no matter what he may tell you. That is who he is and always has been. You are just experiencing the consequences now, unfortunately. You did mention there were ups and downs in your relationship. I bet if you look back, you will pin down a lot of red flags you overlooked or chose to give him a pass for, hoping for the better. I would also be curious to know why his first marriage ended. He may have a history of infidelity. You are so much better off without a person such as this in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 21 minutes ago, RedOlive said: There is a very simple, yet highly unsatisfying, answer as to “why”. Because this man lacks character. He is a selfish individual who showed he is not capable of making moral choices or keeping honest communication. His behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you, no matter what he may tell you. That is who he is and always has been. You are just experiencing the consequences now, unfortunately. You did mention there were ups and downs in your relationship. I bet if you look back, you will pin down a lot of red flags you overlooked or chose to give him a pass for, hoping for the better. I would also be curious to know why his first marriage ended. He may have a history of infidelity. You are so much better off without a person such as this in your life. Thanks for your response. You're right. I kept holding out, hoping he would change. I suppressed my discomfort for the sake of our relationship. Our past fights were about spending more time together. I was supposed to understand because he's a single dad and has a demanding job. I would verbally express how I wanted to be there to help, etc. I realized he never made me a priority. BTW, he was in a relationship with a woman ages ago and they had two kids together, but it lasted some three years. Then he married (the only time he's been married). They knew each other for six months before tying the knot. They had two kids. She was having an affair. They divorced after about three years. This was about 13 years ago. He gained primary custody and would say he's proud of raising them himself although it was super hard. Since then, he's only been dating around. My friends who had showed me the Christmas party pic have been with the organization for a long time--almost as long as him. He had this reputation already about being a a lady's man. I thought it was because of his baggage. The many kids with the ladies. I took it with a grain of salt because most of the people his age were married while he was free to date around. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 13 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: This whole thing we had was a complete lie... all 5.5 years of it. I don't think it was ALL a lie. Some parts were probably true but in the end he thought with the wrong head because he was searching for validation in the form of a younger woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenHeart85 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 46 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I don't think it was ALL a lie. Some parts were probably true but in the end he thought with the wrong head because he was searching for validation in the form of a younger woman. By the way, I'm not that much older than she is. Going back to something else that was said here earlier... I had known her before this situation. I was her mentor at a local young professionals organization. He had just met her a few months ago when she joined his team (btw it's a red flag right there because he can get in trouble if he's supervising her which he can and they're developing this relationship). I'm six years older and 14 years younger than him. I accepted him as he was--older, divorced, and with children. She was just someone who shared his interests. I'm not rough and tumble like she is. I don't lift weights. I prefer aerobics and Zumba. I like dressing up, and she likes spending time at the gym and doing outdoorsy stuff. His own kids don't share the same interests. So, he found a "buddy" in her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 It's not about how old you are. It's about how young she is. He is having a midlife crisis in the form of her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 My guess he has a pattern and I guess at 14 years younger you were the "younger model" when you met when you were 30. You probably thought you were "safe" being so much younger, but 6 years later he finds someone who is the same age you were when you got together. He probably is stuck in a time warp with a woman aged 30 now being his ideal woman. Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 5 hours ago, BrokenHeart85 said: Then he married (the only time he's been married). They knew each other for six months before tying the knot. They had two kids. She was having an affair. They divorced after about three years. How do you know she really has an affair? From what he told you? I would take that with a huge grain of salt. You already know he is a liar. It’s not unusual for cheaters to play victim and reverse the story of their past relationships. He claims his ex had an affair, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was him. And yes, it sounds that you gave up a lot of your needs and boundaries in this relationship. Going forward that’s something to think about working on in yourself. Lemonade from this lemon! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 On 3/9/2020 at 6:31 PM, Marc878 said: You see this all the time. Naïveté at its finest. We are “just friends” is probably the biggest lie told. These scenarios have a tendency to morph into something more. While it may not you are walking on the ledge. So there’s always a chance you’ll fall off. If you stay off the ledge you can’t. I like this quote Link to post Share on other sites
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