Sarah102 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship? I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him. How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him. He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him. We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was. My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 The fact that you are asking this question means no, this friendship is NOT enough for you. Unless you have told him, "I like you but I'm not that attracted to you" then he is assuming you are strongly attracted to him. Therefore, by hiding this absence of passion, you're deliberately misleading him. Frankly, you're lying to him. And you're perpetrating a fraud. He wouldn't want to be with you if you knew how you really felt. He deserves to be with someone who finds him absolutely hot. Dump him and let him feel the pain now ... there is no worse pain than finding out your spouse of 20 years was never really turned on by you. Google this topic if you think this matter is unimportant ... and you'll see a world of pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 It's true the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever for most people. really it's just up to you whether you want to have a romantic relationship or not. You don't need to get married for any reason I don't guess. you better find out what his sexual expectations will be and make sure you can live with it or you won't be best friends for long because most guys prioritize sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) If you aren't attracted to him - do you desire sex with him? Is there any passion? I am not sure what your alternative lifestyle entails - but it seems that being sexually desired, and knowing that your partner is attracted to you is very important to many people. Otherwise good marriages fall apart due to this. What would happen if you met someone you are strongly attracted to? Will you be satisfied going home to a man you aren't attracted to? Life long partnerships require many pieces to a puzzle to make them work - for most people, "attraction" is an important one. Edited March 9, 2020 by RecentChange 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sarah102 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 Sex wise it is amazing for both of us, our libidos match and we both believe it is the best sex of out lives so that would never be an issue. The relationship is exactly what I would expect of a perfect one but it just feels like theres something missing and I guess Im afraid if Im not feeling 100% with this guy who things are perfect with then am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sarah102 said: Sex wise it is amazing for both of us, our libidos match and we both believe it is the best sex of out lives so that would never be an issue. The relationship is exactly what I would expect of a perfect one but it just feels like theres something missing and I guess Im afraid if Im not feeling 100% with this guy who things are perfect with then am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with I hear what you are saying... When I was young, I used to turn down dates with nice men because I felt like I would be missing out on something else. There must be better out there, right? And I will never meet “the one” if I am dating this guy... And then I matured, I met my partner, and I decided to be grateful for all he brought to my life... Does that make sense? I suppose, I had dated enough and matured enough to know that “perfect” doesn’t exist, that the fairy tale endings are for the movies, and that I would miss out on a really wonderful relationship/experience if I didn’t grab it and appreciate it for what it was. It’s never 100% with anyone. Seriously. If you have a good guy who is your best friend and you have a wonderful sex life - I struggle to see the problem... What is that old saying - don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I’m not saying that you should settle for someone who makes you unhappy. I am saying, be careful of unrealistic expectations. How old are you OP? Have you dated other people or had other relationships? Perhaps you should consider counselling to help you to answer some of these questions. Edited March 10, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship? I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being wi 4 hours ago, Sarah102 said: I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship? I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him. You are contradicting what you said above, that you don't really feel this guy is a bf. Don't run from that. Sex ... be careful ... because you can have good sex with a friend ... but if you are not attracted to him as a hot bf, watch out for Joe down the block and watch out for that libido running from you. Sounds to me that you created a good friendship with someone ... and you are having sex ... and since you are partnered, it looks all normal. To answer your question, no being best friends with a romantic partner, which is wonderful, is NOT enough. A romance is not a partnership of best friends who don't feel like bf's. A good romance has good romantic chemistry, some passion ... and friendship ... friendship is required for a good match, but it's not a substitute for some raw attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 14 hours ago, Sarah102 said: TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together? If you were older I would say the chances are it would be enough although that would hold true for everyone. I'm also concerned that twenty years from now this becomes an issue leading to divorce but I would urge you to take no action at the moment. Instead, go into individual counseling and hash out your feelings there. It's possible that what you are reaching for is unattainable or will lead to regret. You need a counselor that can help paint a picture of your marriage with a broad brush and not focus on a single narrow line. There are many people in arranged marriages that have much less emotional investment then you do and they live quality lives. Start looking at the big picture. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I honesty believe there has to be both. A relationship built solely on attraction will fail because there's no real substance. The same is true if you're just friends. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Why would anyone else have left him, OP? This comment stood out to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Is friendship enough for marriage? You are talking about a marriage of convenience, not one of love. The problem is, marriage takes work - and strong love, romantic love is payment for that work. Without payment, how much of a chance do you two have of sticking with it? - not much. Many couples become best friends........but they are usually in love with each other (both of them). How long have you two been together? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Friendship is a component of marriage but there also needs to be attraction & love. If "something is missing' you will resent him for trapping you. You seem to have settled for him but as time passes & things get more serious you realize that you want out. You are too nice or too scared to get out. If you won't end this for you, end it for him. He deserves to be married to somebody who thinks he hangs the moon, not somebody who settled for him because they didn't think they could do better. You might have GiGs & won't be able to do better but that is a chance you have to take. He can't love you enough for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
HappySenior Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 On 3/9/2020 at 4:31 PM, Sarah102 said: I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship? I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him. How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him. He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him. We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was. My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together? Make absolutely sure you are not just being perfectionistic. Case in point: my 2nd marriage I always felt there was something "missing", but three decades later after our divorce, I came to realize that I had spent most of my marriage comparing it to the "passion" of my first marriage - which ended after two years (by abandonment). Because my second husband wasn't as dynamic and forceful as the first, I was allowed to get my own way much of the time and because of that, I felt like my second husband didn't "care" as much. When I look back at the things he did for me, the way he treated me, I was so very very wrong. I regret actions that turned the tide of our marriage and turned him toward someone else (not that he is blameless in that - no one should allow anyone else to walk all over them!). So mainly just be sure that something "missing" isn't because you are making comparisons to the passion of former lovers or some idealized idea of what love should be. If you have each other's backs, that is better than so many marriages and at the very least, you won't ever hurt each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 20 hours ago, BaileyB said: Seriously. If you have a good guy who is your best friend and you have a wonderful sex life - I struggle to see the problem... It honestly doesn't get much better than that. BUT On 3/9/2020 at 8:31 PM, Sarah102 said: How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him. What's the story there? How old are the two of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lil_missy Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 How can you be not attracted to him yet have the best sex of your life?? Can you please clarify? This seems impossible to me. Surely you are still somewhat attracted to him? I think if he is not your ideal type but if you still find him attractive and turned on by him then it’s perfectly fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 14 hours ago, elaine567 said: On 3/9/2020 at 9:00 PM, BaileyB said: Seriously. If you have a good guy who is your best friend and you have a wonderful sex life - I struggle to see the problem... It honestly doesn't get much better than that. BUT - Oh it sure can get better than that. There is nothing like going through life in love with somebody! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 On 3/9/2020 at 7:35 PM, Sarah102 said: Sex wise it is amazing for both of us, our libidos match and we both believe it is the best sex of out lives so that would never be an issue. The relationship is exactly what I would expect of a perfect one but it just feels like theres something missing and I guess Im afraid if Im not feeling 100% with this guy who things are perfect with then am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with There is no PERFECT relationship. Very few if any hit the 100% score. If you're at 95% that's pretty good. I guess what you're missing is passion? Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 45 minutes ago, lil_missy said: How can you be not attracted to him yet have the best sex of your life?? Can you please clarify? This seems impossible to me. Me too, Like lil missy, I don’t understand this at all. I thought in your first post OP, it was more about that he checked all of the other boxes except this one. Then you said it’s the best sex of your life?! How can this possibly be if you’re not even attracted to him in the first place? The feelings of attraction are what makes the sex so desirable in the first place, aren’t they? 😲 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 People can have sex without being in love. Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Just now, Fletch Lives said: People can have sex without being in love. I know but the “best sex of your life”? For me, it would go hand and hand with being madly in love. The feelings are what makes it the best for me. The sex is going to be good anyway fo sho. I do tend to romanticize everything, I guess. But I just couldn’t personally sleep with somebody if I wasn’t attracted to them much less call it the best sex of my life or consider them a boyfriend or future husband. I just like to understand things and with this, I just can’t wrap my head around it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 ^^^^^^^^^I generally agree with you, but maybe she's never been in love. There is another possibility here. She might be in love and not really know it. Some people don't really know their own interest level. Or, she might just be going through a commitment issue stage that many go through at a certain point in a relationship. I can't really tell, she never answered my question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Being partnered with a wonderful person who does not turn you on ... is one of those human curses ... it happens ... Almost every person I've heard who expressed this feeling said years later they knew something was off even as they walked down the aisle. Now in the old days, people did this and just lived with the disconnect. These days ... I don't think you can talk yourself into pretending a friendship with sex is a romance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 (edited) Quote I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I fear you are mixing up the honeymoon stage with being "in love." Can you articulate what you consider as a difference between the two "loves" you mention? Quote I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him so you're saying you ARE attracted to him then? Edited March 11, 2020 by Beendaredonedat fixed a word Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: - Oh it sure can get better than that. There is nothing like going through life in love with somebody! Yes, and she's has said she loves him. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 Yeah, like a freind. Link to post Share on other sites
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