Feeling trapped and unable to move on

[girlinNYC]

Long story short, my first love has quite the emotional hold over me. I feel trapped and I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about it with the fear of looking weak. 

He's not abusive or anything of the sort, it's more my feelings that are my own worst enemy. We all have that 'one' person, some are fortunate to be married to or be in a relationship with theirs. In my case, he's single, I'm single, but he isn't in the mindset I am as we verified in November. He said he felt terrible about turning me down. For 90% of our 'friendship' or 'relationship' basically the time we've known each other which is over a number of years, he'd talk about our future marriage and kids. How I'm perfect and everything he wants, etc. Never overdone, he was always subtle and I was positively receptive. The intellectual conversations we'd have (politics, current affairs, the books we'd recommend each other to read etc) coupled with the fun banter was something I'll forever behold. I've never experienced a bond quite like it. I know there are plenty of guys out there, but again, that first cut is always the deepest. 

I know for an absolute fact part of me will always love him. And therein lies the problem. There's no guarantee he and I will end up together, nor is there any guarantee that he'll magically reciprocate my feelings and we become a couple - those types of miracles are only reserved for Hollywood movies. In terms of moving on, I can't even comprehend the thought of doing so. I feel anxious and borderline sick to the stomach at the thought of sharing my life with someone else. As much as it hurts I remain a very independent person, so I would happily be single for the rest of my life if I can't be with him. Seems extreme, but if I'm with someone else I would feel like I'm settling just for the sake of company and being in a relationship - I'll never be that girl who is with someone just to be with someone. I either love fiercely with every fiber of my being or I just don't love at all. Life is far too short to be with anyone you're only half hearted about. We all deserve to be with the person we love more than anything in the world. For me, it will always be him. 

Since I told him all about my feelings, we'd still been in contact most days. Over the past few weeks he hasn't been great, so contact hasn't been as frequent. But he knows I'm here. 

I just don't know what else to do. How do you deal with knowing you'll always love someone, coupled with the knowledge that there's every chance you won't be together?

Edited March 10, 2020 by girlinNYC
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[Blind-Sided]

Sorry that you are emotionally tied to someone who doesn't what to be with you in that way. There's no good way to deal with that other than to walk away for a while, and let time heal your heart, and mind.

In my younger life... there was a girl I liked.  We went out all the time, and did a lot together. (Shopping, dinners, clubs, so on)  We were even lightly physical... but she made it clear that she didn't want a relationship with anyone. When she was young, she had bad seizures, and had a brain tumor removed to stop them.  When I met her, she was totally normal... but I think she was scared that she would have a short life, and didn't what to put that pressure on anyone. Eventually we drifted apart, and last time I heard anything about her... she was still "Single".

All you can do is accept that he doesn't what a relationship... and move on.

[girlinNYC]

5 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sorry that you are emotionally tied to someone who doesn't what to be with you in that way. There's no good way to deal with that other than to walk away for a while, and let time heal your heart, and mind.

In my younger life... there was a girl I liked.  We went out all the time, and did a lot together. (Shopping, dinners, clubs, so on)  We were even lightly physical... but she made it clear that she didn't want a relationship with anyone. When she was young, she had bad seizures, and had a brain tumor removed to stop them.  When I met her, she was totally normal... but I think she was scared that she would have a short life, and didn't what to put that pressure on anyone. Eventually we drifted apart, and last time I heard anything about her... she was still "Single".

All you can do is accept that he doesn't what a relationship... and move on.

Sorry about your situation too. That would have been extremely tough. 

I know my guy has self esteem issues and has battled with low self worth here and there, even if that was the reason he turned me down, I can't convince him he's worthy if he doesn't do the inner work himself. 

There have been a handful of times where I've distanced myself for months at a time (prior to revealing my feelings too) thinking I've actually moved on - I'd been on other dates (something I can't comprehend doing now). But the feelings have always returned and I go back to square one, hence knowing that even if I 'move on' there will still be 1% of me with feelings regardless. Lobotomy will probably have to be the only option! 

[Legatus]

It is okay that you still feel attached to him and can't even stand a thought of being with anybody else. Thankfully we can't predict the future and you also don't know what will happen. Perhaps you'll meet somebody else, perhaps you won't. That's in the future. 

Right now it's perfectly fine to focus on what you're feeling. I don't like saying it but with time you might notice the feelings subsiding, if not, then I would start talking to somebody, as you don't want to end up obsessing over somebody you can't be with.

To paraphrase you: life indeed is too short, it's also to short to spend your life thinking about one person only. It's not a direct quote but I've heard it couple of times: "Who said we all end up with the our greatest love?" Let me elaborate. First of all you never know what future hold and until you're about to step out of this world you can't say who is the greatest, the best, only who is SO FAR. But also it's not a rule that our best and most passionate relationships are those that last a lifetime or even follow us until the end of our lives. 

The main thing is that you're still in touch with him. You'll never be able to detach properly until there's enough time without any contact. Perhaps then you will be able to go back and have different kind of relationship..

[girlinNYC]

7 minutes ago, Legatus said:

It is okay that you still feel attached to him and can't even stand a thought of being with anybody else. Thankfully we can't predict the future and you also don't know what will happen. Perhaps you'll meet somebody else, perhaps you won't. That's in the future. 

Right now it's perfectly fine to focus on what you're feeling. I don't like saying it but with time you might notice the feelings subsiding, if not, then I would start talking to somebody, as you don't want to end up obsessing over somebody you can't be with.

To paraphrase you: life indeed is too short, it's also to short to spend your life thinking about one person only. It's not a direct quote but I've heard it couple of times: "Who said we all end up with the our greatest love?" Let me elaborate. First of all you never know what future hold and until you're about to step out of this world you can't say who is the greatest, the best, only who is SO FAR. But also it's not a rule that our best and most passionate relationships are those that last a lifetime or even follow us until the end of our lives. 

The main thing is that you're still in touch with him. You'll never be able to detach properly until there's enough time without any contact. Perhaps then you will be able to go back and have different kind of relationship..

Ha at this point I'd love to be able to predict the future. I'll have to speak to someone eventually as I don't anticipate my mindset changing without external help. like previous times, I think I've made progress on my own only to have the feelings flood back so evidently I can't do it alone. 

I know we all don't end up with our greatest love, the lucky ones do. However if I don't, I feel I'm settling and would rather be alone. You're right re no contact- I know it's what I need to do. But the past week has been so difficult without contact. Maybe it's because it's still the beginning and a new adjustment, maybe it will become the new normal in time. 

[Legatus]

I don't agree with you that "the lucky ones do". Sometimes the greatest loves are not supposed to be those that last forever.. Hopefully one day you will see that being with this guy here would be settling, once you find somebody different that also makes your heart and soul race. I wish you that wholeheartedly!

[schlumpy]

He may change his mind in the future, meanwhile you have to look after your own interests because he won't. He will be satisfied to keep you on the shelf, if you let him.

Your only choice is to go NC and flush him out of your life. If you can't do this you will not be able to move on with anyone else.

I'm sorry but that's just the way it is.

[girlinNYC]

2 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He may change his mind in the future, meanwhile you have to look after your own interests because he won't. He will be satisfied to keep you on the shelf, if you let him.

Your only choice is to go NC and flush him out of your life. If you can't do this you will not be able to move on with anyone else.

I'm sorry but that's just the way it is.

I'm not reaching our nor do I have any plans to. Already in full effect. It's extremely hard but it's the reality. I can't count on him changing his mind, it only hurts me in the process. 

[girlinNYC]

6 minutes ago, Legatus said:

I don't agree with you that "the lucky ones do". Sometimes the greatest loves are not supposed to be those that last forever.. Hopefully one day you will see that being with this guy here would be settling, once you find somebody different that also makes your heart and soul race. I wish you that wholeheartedly!

Thank you. The future certainly is a mystery. 

[smackie9]

At this time, when your emotions are raw it seems so hopeless...but it takes time and you will move on emotionally. You are in the grieving process. You are grieving the loss and what would have been. It's part of life. They say to try and keep your mind busy, go out and do things, see people. before you know it, you won't even think of them or wonder what they are up to. It's all going to be ok.

[girlinNYC]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

At this time, when your emotions are raw it seems so hopeless...but it takes time and you will move on emotionally. You are in the grieving process. You are grieving the loss and what would have been. It's part of life. They say to try and keep your mind busy, go out and do things, see people. before you know it, you won't even think of them or wonder what they are up to. It's all going to be ok.

Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s definitely taking a long while. I thought I was ok and then it all hit me out of nowhere this week. Probably the result of suppressing emotions. 

[Mystery4u]

Time.

After my first love broke my heart, it took me about 2 years until I was fully over her. At first I thought I would never be able to meet someone that I would have such a connection with. Thought I would be single for ever.

How wrong I was! I've had a few relationships since (2 serious), but always felt there was something missing. Only recently I met someone and am now falling in love for the 4th time in my life. It feels different to all the other times and so much better, I believe all my past heartbreaks and mistakes were so I could be the best version of myself to make my current girlfriend happy for the rest of our lives together.

[girlinNYC]

3 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Time.

After my first love broke my heart, it took me about 2 years until I was fully over her. At first I thought I would never be able to meet someone that I would have such a connection with. Thought I would be single for ever.

How wrong I was! I've had a few relationships since (2 serious), but always felt there was something missing. Only recently I met someone and am now falling in love for the 4th time in my life. It feels different to all the other times and so much better, I believe all my past heartbreaks and mistakes were so I could be the best version of myself to make my current girlfriend happy for the rest of our lives together.

I’m actually not looking to find anyone. Not that I’m holding out for him to magically turn around and love me, I tell myself everyday he doesn’t. I’m just trying to accept that being single could be my lot in life and may as well come to terms with it. Plenty of people don’t find love, I don’t see why I won’t be one of them. 

I’m glad you found the happiness you were after. Wishing you and your girlfriend the best. 

[2BGoodAgain]

the thing is....

the definition and size of your love... is all encompassing, so the idea of moving on in your heart, seems remote.

but remember that crush you had when you were 5? or whatever age it was?... or the "crush" you had when you were a teenager? mebbe lasted a day or week or month or year(s)?

well, today... what would you call those feelings back then? I mean, they were real, you genuinely felt them back then, right? Yet, by today's standards, you would call it a "crush" or "simple" or "shallow" perhaps? But at the time, you felt all out for that person... 

Well, that person today, is that 'crush' or "teenage love" of yesterday...

in the future, your definition of love... the size of your heart/love will grow beyond what you feel today... so that even though today, you feel like 105% of your heart is given to him... someday, that 105% is gonna be 80%, then 50%, then whatever it is, where you may remember it with a little fondness or a little sadness or a little nothing at all b/c your heart would have grown, with how you think about love and you'll fill the other parts of your heart with what you learn about love... someday, he'll just be a memory that you're glad you didn't take, b/c you're with the love of your life today...in the future...

you don't feel it, i know... but someday, your definition... the size of your love will be deeper and more loving than it is today... and so your feelings for him... which is huge today, won't be someday in the future... 

that's how you know... 

but you need to do what you need to do today... like mourning the loss of the relationship, remember it for what it was... the good, the bad and the reality... see it for what it truly was...  and let it go until one day, it won't make you happy or sad... just a memory... 

protect your heart, for that person who will truly cherish it..... b/c this man, no matter how many good points he has... doesn't feel it for you. He isn't evil or bad, just not for you.

Edited March 11, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[preraph]

I'm confused.  Were you dating or not?  Because I can't imagine someone who isn't already in a romantic dating relationship with you talking about marriage and kids.  I also can't imagine someone thinking you'll marry and have kids but yet never beginning to be physical with you.  So I'm confused.  Have you had sex?  Have you kissed on the mouth at least?   Did that just stop, or is he just all talk and never tried it? 

[mark clemson]

On 3/10/2020 at 3:41 AM, girlinNYC said:

I just don't know what else to do. How do you deal with knowing you'll always love someone, coupled with the knowledge that there's every chance you won't be together?

This happened to me in college when a GF broke up with me. I pined for a while, then moved on. I eventually fell in love again. It may not be as "deep" because your brain adjusts to e.g. dopamine levels (similar to drug tolerance), so have reasonable expectations when it comes to "life is too short". Life is too short to pine for someone who doesn't want you and waste years that could have been spent with a wonderful BF instead.

Also, you never really know. Perhaps in 3 years you will have someone who makes what you have right now seem like a pale shadow of love and you'll realize you didn't have a good yardstick to measure by (yet). You change over the years and your expectations, etc, change as well.

I have seen pics of two women I gladly would have stayed with in my younger days. Seeing them (and connecting with one of them), I'm glad I ended up with my wife instead.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

[girlinNYC]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This happened to me in college when a GF broke up with me. I pined for a while, then moved on. I eventually fell in love again. It may not be as "deep" because your brain adjusts to e.g. dopamine levels (similar to drug tolerance), so have reasonable expectations when it comes to "life is too short". Life is too short to pine for someone who doesn't want you and waste years that could have been spent with a wonderful BF instead.

Also, you never really know. Perhaps in 3 years you will have someone who makes what you have right now seem like a pale shadow of love and you'll realize you didn't have a good yardstick to measure by (yet). You change over the years and your expectations, etc, change as well.

I have seen pics of two women I gladly would have stayed with in my younger days. Seeing them (and connecting with one of them), I'm glad I ended up with my wife instead.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

The thing is, is I’ve always been happy on my own. Even before I met him, I was adamant that relationships weren’t for me and I was one of those career women who wanted a career over love. I still am the same way inclined, but he was the first person who made me think “hey I could probably balance the two, he’s worth it” 

Anyway, I genuinely don’t want to find someone else. I would be settling for a half hearted love and that’s a waste of time in my opinion. Who says you have to find someone else? 
I’m happy being alone. 

[girlinNYC]

6 hours ago, preraph said:

I'm confused.  Were you dating or not?  Because I can't imagine someone who isn't already in a romantic dating relationship with you talking about marriage and kids.  I also can't imagine someone thinking you'll marry and have kids but yet never beginning to be physical with you.  So I'm confused.  Have you had sex?  Have you kissed on the mouth at least?   Did that just stop, or is he just all talk and never tried it? 

We never officially dated. We were good friends at first, then a little further along in the friendship he began the flirty banter and he would continue that. 18 months after we first met we were physically intimate over the course of two weeks. Nothing exclusive came of it. 

[preraph]

Thanks for clarifying. If he was ever serious about you or thought he might be, he would have treated you differently. guys don't just stop having sex with women if they're attracted to them. They certainly don't stop having sex with them if they're both attracted and interested in developing a relationship. He's never tried to date you and call you his own. So much as might be friends, but DNA just isn't there for this to turn into anything more. 

 

my feeling is that if you're going to stay home up on him then you need to stop even being friends with him so you can move on and find someone to have a mutual loving relationship with. You can't make this something it isn't.

 

Does this guy ever date anyone? is he socially anxious or is there something keeping him from leading a normal dating life and pursuing a real relationship? Would you know if he was seeing someone? 

[girlinNYC]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

Thanks for clarifying. If he was ever serious about you or thought he might be, he would have treated you differently. guys don't just stop having sex with women if they're attracted to them. They certainly don't stop having sex with them if they're both attracted and interested in developing a relationship. He's never tried to date you and call you his own. So much as might be friends, but DNA just isn't there for this to turn into anything more. 

 

my feeling is that if you're going to stay home up on him then you need to stop even being friends with him so you can move on and find someone to have a mutual loving relationship with. You can't make this something it isn't.

 

Does this guy ever date anyone? is he socially anxious or is there something keeping him from leading a normal dating life and pursuing a real relationship? Would you know if he was seeing someone? 

I think it’s the intimacy that made him reject me. We got to all of the bases (so to speak) until the home run where it was a struggle. Basically I have overactive pelvic muscles and the final act of intercourse was a struggle. Although he was super respectful about it and even suggested we see each other the following night, I haven’t seen him since and we’d only been chatting over text. He probably figured I’m beyond help in the bedroom (even though overactive pelvic muscles can be treated) and evaluated that a relationship isn’t viable. I can’t think of any other logical explanation in light of the endless flowing things he’d say about me. My body messed things up. 
I’m not sure if he’d tell me he was seeing someone. He might think by now I’d be over him and it was okay to mention, or he might avoid it altogether being sensitive to our history IF he was seeing someone. 
He is introverted and isn’t into the party scene. His ideal night is a reading book at home or going to a nice restaurant. Could be social anxiety, I’m unsure. Lately he’s self diagnosed himself with imposter syndrome and has had low self worth, so what that meant in context of us I don’t know. 

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

The thing is...

Fair enough @girlinNYC if that is you. I was assuming the perspective of someone who desires a relationship, but it sound like you're not that type.

[preraph]

If he really thinks he has imposter syndrome, then he has some serious problems with himself that need to be worked on.  That's very deep, almost delusionary insecurity.

 

I just don't think he's got enough oomph, probably, to overcome most little issues.  I do think most guys, even him, are eventually going to find a woman to have sex with, though, and not sure when that happens, you will be part of the equation, meaning the new girlfriend isn't going to put up with him being in contact with you and/or he may just get wrapped up in her and abandon you.  So it's a good thing you don't mind being alone, but you sound really hung up on this guy and I don't know that that will work for the long term at all.  I think you  need to be sure and develop female friends and not rely on him.  

[stillafool]

The only way to move on from this first love is to go strict NC.  When you do and start to feel better, then relapse, you have to find the strength to keep going.  If you don't and continue to hang around being his friend one day you will meet the woman of his future and it will be soul crushing.  I would suggest strict NC and counseling at this point starting now.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

If he really thinks he has imposter syndrome, then he has some serious problems with himself that need to be worked on.  That's very deep, almost delusionary insecurity.

 

I wonder sometimes if people come up with these syndromes as an excuse for their disinterest in a relationship.  I hope not.

[girlinNYC]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I wonder sometimes if people come up with these syndromes as an excuse for their disinterest in a relationship.  I hope not.

He didn’t say that’s why he turned me down. Before he removed his social media he shared articles on that syndrome. It added up based off conversations we had a month or two ago where he was putting himself down in a career sense and not feeling good enough. Every chance that sense of low self worth manifests into other areas of life.