So many things....

[PinDrop]

Hey all. All is well, if one considers that I'm still trying to find my new place in the universe. It's strange how your mind opens up and you get so much smaller after something like this happens. You've got your little safe bubble and it pops, exposing yourself to all those things that used to be irrelevant, but you still have life, hope and a future. My wife cheated on me, and this happened, but damn if I can't help feeling sorry for someone whose bubble that popped was terminal cancer, the loss of a child, or some such other disaster. I mean, I'm not THERE. I'll survive no matter what nasties wait for me in the void. 

So the wife, after some discussion, took my advice and moved to the mother-in-law suite, which is more than enough for either of us. She didn't want the separation. I told her that separation occurred when she separated her legs. Actually, it occurred the second that she considered separating her legs, but whatever, a technicality.

"How can we work on our relationship if we don't interact with each other?"  

"Who said that we were working towards that?"

"What else would we work towards?"

"I have some things to work on. You have some things to work on. WE probably don't have much to work on."

It was a bunch of stuff like that. Stuff you've all seen before, which would be new to me as well, if not for you. We haven't really talked about anything. It's been more of her doing the talking and me basically grunting. It's not as if I'm not listening. I'm listening quite well. I just don't know how to categorize what she says, beginning with TRUTH or LIE, followed by MATTERS and DOESN'T MATTER. Not much gets past those two filters. I'm sure things like DIVORCE and FINANCES will soon enough though. 

She's apparently doing a bunch of reading and has some guidance coming from somewhere. I don't believe that she's coming here, and I absolutely don't have time to add investigating that to the s*** list, but she's got the remorse thing down pat. While I avoid face-to-face interactions, at least since she's been downstairs, but she still blows up my phone. She's not blaming anyone but herself, she's explaining her mistakes that led up to it, and she's not making excuses any more, not that she did ever did much of that, but I don't care. I want to blow things up. 

One of the insane parts of all of this is that I keep feeling like I'm being aggressive and unfair. It makes me second-guess. I doubt that I'm being either, especially seeing that I hold back most of the less noble emotions when I'm interacting with her. You can probably see it in the sarcasm though. Heck, all I'm doing is detaching. It's not like I'm inviting someone home to get laid on my new couch or something. Yet, here I am, second-guessing.

I'm also a bit impulsive, which is disconcerting, because I've never been that way before. Impulses such as wanting to run by the store where I saw the guy last, hoping that I'd see him again... to do WHAT? Yeah. Probably stare at him like a creeper... or worse? That's unhealthy. Seeking the dude out without any plan whatsoever. Not good. I figured part of that out though. It's the behavior of one who is fighting to maintain his self-esteem. I understand, to a degree, the impulsiveness. There's so many psychological defense mechanisms, some incredibly primitive, that are all on high alert, because my world changed so much so quickly. Perhaps it's some primitive psychological urge to gather intel. Whatever. I'm not acting on impulse, so I'm good there.

This probably all reads like a diary. I tried quoting posts and responding, but that takes a bit of time, I lose my train of thought, and I'd also be quoting posts from other threads, so I hope that you all understand that I'm reading everything, and taking note of everyone who has taken the time to help me through this. Thank you!

Oh and COVID-19... I'm getting prepped for what's coming down the pipe. Anyone with any medical experience may be called upon to move to where hot spots are and provide assistance. That means me, certainly. That pretty much means everyone I work with. If I disappear or end up short with my posts, it's because things are moving fast, and I suck at phone typing. So there's that... there may be people who need me, and perhaps you as well, a task that gives life meaning after it had temporarily lost meaning. 

Right now, it seems like my situation is so trivial compared to all of that. At least, I feel like I'm selfish worrying about a relationship, when people are worried about their lives. 

Edited March 23, 2020 by PinDrop

[schlumpy]

44 minutes ago, PinDrop said:

One of the insane parts of all of this is that I keep feeling like I'm being aggressive and unfair. It makes me second-guess. I doubt that I'm being either, especially seeing that I hold back most of the less noble emotions when I'm interacting with her. You can probably see it in the sarcasm though. Heck, all I'm doing is detaching. It's not like I'm inviting someone home to get laid on my new couch or something. Yet, here I am, second-guessing.

 

It's not insane. There is a part of you that wants to go back to what you had and it expresses that desire through self-doubt which rubs the edges off your anger. It wants to recreate that bubble you mentioned.

[WilyWill]

1 hour ago, PinDrop said:

One of the insane parts of all of this is that I keep feeling like I'm being aggressive and unfair.

You need to dismiss this notion completely. The fact that you are even speaking with her and entertaining her explanations is a gift. Take as much time as you need to process this. Do not accept her insistence that you need to work on the relationship. You don't need to glue together the vase that she chose to smash with a hammer. 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

 

1 hour ago, PinDrop said:

"How can we work on our relationship if we don't interact with each other?"  

"Who said that we were working towards that?"

"What else would we work towards?"

"I have some things to work on. You have some things to work on. WE probably don't have much to work on."

- - - - - - - -

One of the insane parts of all of this is that I keep feeling like I'm being aggressive and unfair. It makes me second-guess. I doubt that I'm being either, especially seeing that I hold back most of the less noble emotions when I'm interacting with her. You can probably see it in the sarcasm though. Heck, all I'm doing is detaching. It's not like I'm inviting someone home to get laid on my new couch or something. Yet, here I am, second-guessing.

In response to the first section, Wayward Spouses have a hard time wrapping their head around what they have done. During our very first counseling session after D-day, one of the first things my WW stated was she wanted us to renew our vows in a few months. I just looked at her like she was absolutely crazy. It's like they are in total denial that they blew up the entire marriage.

The second section, this is why I posted earlier that you are not the bad guy. Part of the s*** sandwich that BSs have to eat is the initializing divorce. It makes us the 'bad guy" for initiating divorce. But we are not the one's who ended the marriage.

[lolablue17]

Thank you, PinDrop for keep updating here. You get the feeling that we're helping you, but at the same time you help me, and probably other people here through your great writing, you help me process my own **it. I also learn from you. I'm so much different from you, I'm VERY impulsive, and you manage this much better than I did. 

Your story has touched me, and I felt connected. It is another way you help me. So the outcome is that you get, but you also give. Thank you

Edited March 23, 2020 by lolablue17

[oldlion]

There are many things that I have seen that were horrible.  I spent most of my career in Special Forces and I have seen more than my share of death and destruction. When something horrible happens you either learn to live with it and continue moving forward, or run away from it, or hide from it. You had something terrible happen to your life and now you have to decide how you are going to process it. You can get all the advice in the world but the only and true answer is what you want to do. I've seen soldiers come home from a year deployment to find their wife six months pregnant. That's a double whammy. I know of one NCO whose wife cheated on him for six months. The last thing she wanted was for her husband to divorce her ( they had a couple of children).  He said he would stay on one condition. She owed him a six month affair with another woman. He may collect that debt in a year, or five years or maybe never. It all depended on her. Last I heard they were still together 12 years later and he had never collected on the debt. I know of several marriages that survived infidelity and eventually turned into a happy relationship but I have to admit that actually seeing the cheating act presents a pretty high mountain to get over. I would be willing to say that if your wife has never done anything like this before and she now sees the havoc she has created, she will probably never even think about doing so again. She would probably spend years trying to make up for her dumb decision. Saw a movie the other night that had a line in it that fits infidelity perfectly.  "If it's something you can't turn loose of, then you turn loose of them."

By the way.  If I was in your shoes I would have burned that couch by now. I hope you at least got rid of it.  I do wish you well.

[usa1ah]

I have look for you on two sites so far. Nothing from your wife there. 

[pepperbird]

On 3/23/2020 at 12:01 PM, Betrayed&Stayed said:

 

In response to the first section, Wayward Spouses have a hard time wrapping their head around what they have done. During our very first counseling session after D-day, one of the first things my WW stated was she wanted us to renew our vows in a few months. I just looked at her like she was absolutely crazy. It's like they are in total denial that they blew up the entire marriage.

The second section, this is why I posted earlier that you are not the bad guy. Part of the s*** sandwich that BSs have to eat is the initializing divorce. It makes us the 'bad guy" for initiating divorce. But we are not the one's who ended the marriage.

true enough.
Ws often never fully understand what they have done. I sometimes wonder if that's because they haven't experienced themselves or because they have a very shallow level of emotional intelligence. Some think they just need to say "I'm sorry" and all will be well.

After my husband's affair, we got counselling together and separately. He was a mess! We addressed his PTSD first, but after that, our counsellor explained that many BSs go through their own version of PTSD. It can take a long time to get some peace of mind. Some can't do it. OP, in your shoes, I don't know how you can even look at your spouse after what you have seen.

[Buffer]

Hey PD, sorry about the sh*$y club membership. You have undertaken this diversion in your life’s journey, with a well controlled response. I am still have trouble how WWs in general, just want a one off we’ll endowed man to scratch that urge. Too many posters here use that excuse. Yet afterwards it’s ‘wasn’t all that good’, ‘no love just sex’, ‘I only did it once’ etc. The logic just throws me. You are a well educated ex military man, we (I am not that educated), value, honour, integrity yet still get poop 💩 on from a great height.
Cannot offer you any advice, the exercise, legal, IC, medical checks, financial all ticked off. Venting is good, cannot hurt. 
I do feel WW or stbxw is gaslighting you re this, I believe there is more, she is just too accepting! 
I would get her to give you a hand and take that couch, her sexy clothing and her gym gear out to the back yard and get her to burn it, like the marriage, gone in a instant due to her conscious decision to want a lobster, when she had a husband. 
one day at a time and the truth will set you free, I hope 🤞 

good luck with the lockdown Covid-19, that is.

Buffer

 

 

 

[Buffer]

Brother Pi

D, May I ask what was the $517.00 charge for? I must have missed it if you posted it.

Buffer

[2BGoodAgain]

ummm.....

1) b/c she destroyed the relationship, you are in no way obligated or should feel bad about how you react.  I'm proud that you haven't done too many impulsive things, but in all honestly, you have every right to decide whether to end this relationship, or to salvage it...

2) Even IF you decide to salvage it, b/c the relationship is destroyed, you two will need to create a new relationship.. with the realization of what happened, but not dwelling on it like a record skipping forever... both sides needs to find a way to move on, usually with marriage counseling etc...

3) EVEN IF you two somehow attempt to create a new relationship, it's a possibility... some couples find it is near impossible to reconcile what happened and move forward together...

4) i think right now, your analytical brain is attempting to process what has happened and trying to grasp the reality of it, b/c it still is a shock to you.. just b/c you can analytically process thoughts, does not mean you're in the clear, in terms of how this affects you... if anything, it sounds like you've got a volcano bubbling and when all of it really sinks it, you're gonna have a tough time with the explosion... 

5) since your brain is processing this very analytically... can you tell me if she's being genuine in her remorse and making verifiable attempts at full disclosure and change of course? Not that even IF she is, you are in any way obligated to join her.. but if she is being genuine in her remorse and seeking a true reconciliation with you and attempting to salvage the relationship in full genuine action... is this enough for you to attempt to join her? or is it over? Don't answer right now, but dwell on this thought in your head and in your heart... 

the answer may eventually be the same.. that there is no reconciliation between you two that results in this relationship becoming a new one... but mull it over... this kind of decision is a life changing decision... that may feel good short term, but may have deep ramification to you long term...

Good luck to you. 

Also, yes, there's the coronavirus going on... it doesn't make this event in your life... any less deserving of immense impact on your life.. 

[Buffer]

Why did she? Selfish entitlement I believe. I deserve this, it’s about me. He will not find out and if he does, I can get around it. I will come out of this intact. 
Reality she never took into account, your feelings, your resolve to understand her and the ramifications of her deliberate actions. 
Buffer

Sorry this is what I am as trying to say earlier. 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[Honest_Interest]

Hey PinDrop

How you traveling through all this?   any updates?

 

[PinDrop]

Hello all. Sorry for bugging out for so long. Lots of stuff on my plate. Not much time where I can sit down at my own computer. This pandemic has everyone on edge, so we're putting out more psychological fires at this point than we are actually dealing with medical emergencies.

Thank all of you for everything, both in this thread, and though reading your experiences in other threads. I don't know what I'd do without you. Probably something stupid. Probably a BUNCH of stupid things. 

I went though a crushing week. All of you know how that feels. Busyness helps, but only delays the process of getting my mind right. So many different emotions and second-guessing... most of the second-guessing coming as the result of people offering terrible advice to me during a time of emotional weakness, some of which I probably would have entertained, if not for this community. 

On 3/26/2020 at 10:04 PM, Buffer said:

Brother Pi

D, May I ask what was the $517.00 charge for? I must have missed it if you posted it.

Buffer

Thank you for asking that. I saw your post on my teeny phone screen and began to wonder about that again. It got shuffled lower in importance to "wife gets railed on couch by stranger" and a few other things. So, shortly after reading your post, I called the bank and found out the business' address. It was the key to everything. It was the answer to the question "why?". Where most of us are resigned to never really knowing why, you know, it's all a bunch of strange, primitive, "tell me about your mother", grey matter stuff anyway as to why cheaters cheat, but in this case, well...

It was a charge at store that provides party supplies. You know, paper plates, balloons, napkins, and methamphetamine. Apparently, there was an employee there, at least according to the owner, who was turning credit card charges into drugs. The authorities believe that it's the owner's son, because the owner doesn't appear to have the mental acuity any more to run the business, and his son kept the books. They can't find the son. Let's just say that they were lawyer'ed up already, when I went in to ask about the charge, but the business was still open. Meth probably wasn't on Aisle 3 anymore. I didn't get much from them, except that the police were involved, so that's where I went, and that's where I got as much as the police know.

So someone who knew better, decided to "try" some meth. 1 month, "a couple of times", in (if she is to be believed), and she's having sex with some dude in my house. I confronted her with our friendly neighborhood sheriff's deputy along for the show, because I honestly didn't know how she was going to react to me opening this new can of worms. She can't have that garbage in our house! This is my life and my home too. There had to be some "official" record of the goings-on here. That's the absolute last thing that I need, to be a suspect in my own home because of the trash that she brought into it. Before, I had some sort of trust in her sanity, if not her behavior, but now... so yeah, I invited the man into my life. I didn't want to take any chances.

She handled the situation pretty well I suppose. She owned up to the drug use, made a bunch of excuses as to why she went from fitness junky to... well, junky. If she's to be believed, there wasn't any "gateway" drug. No "Hey honey, you should probably cut back on your drinking a little", or anything like that. She went straight from vegi smoothies to the pipe. 

I wanted to log in here before I confronted her and post "It's METH!", because I can't type well on my phone, but I wanted to scream where people would feel it! I typed it out a couple of times on my phone, but I knew that it wasn't fair to all here to type "It's METH! Can't talk now", so I waited until I could sit down at this thing called a keyboard.

There really is no coming back from this. The whole sex with another dude thing was a killer, but being married to an addict? That stuff turns you into a different person. I mean, this is all the proof that I need, to know that there's nothing out there anymore. She's now rewired to instantly plug into meth whenever it's around. Whenever she thinks about it. Whenever she's triggered by a TV commercial or a song on the radio. She could be off of it for a year, and bump into someone she knew... instantly, she will crave again. This is a lifetime thing. Taking meth is like basically throwing your old self away, and a new, dependent, permanently-addicted, self appears. She basically threw her life away, knowingly. I mean, she KNOWS what it does to a person, any person, practically instantly. What the hell? 

If she was doing this for a month, you'd think that I'd notice something. It's not like sneaking a hit off a joint now and again. This stuff takes you over. I know that I've been really busy travelling and such over the last couple of months, but I was that blind? The deputy said that it's not that uncommon for the "significant others" to be blind to such things early on, but he wasn't exactly giving me a pass. More truth, like I get here.

...and who the hell am I now? I'm struggling with "leave no man behind". So she damaged herself, probably beyond repair, and I'm bailing on her. "You're on your own, buddy. You're damaged goods.". So, when do I get a pass on all of this? Cheating is obviously a deal-breaker. No doubt. I mean, I get a pass on bailing because of that alone, but then, if there's psychological damage that leads to the behavior... aren't we supposed to weather that?

I'm totally repulsed by her now. I see her as being on her second mugshot in a "faces of meth" poster. I really mean that.

It's a different part of my brain that's screaming that she's sick, and my duty is to help her past this sickness. What? ...and then dump her ass? I'm already checked out (I think?). It's a moral dilemma now!? This part is hard in a different way. Where before, it was visceral, emotional, it's now conceptual, or a question of ethics. 

If she was in a car accident, perhaps suffered undiagnosed brain damage, and behaved as she has, wouldn't there be some discussion of what our vows meant? Isn't that what they're designed for? What if she decided to play chicken with another car, and got in that accident? Is that an out due to a technicality? I look at this situation as her playing chicken with meth. It's on her. It's not like she accidentally smoked meth and then accidentally crashed into a penis. I think that's where I am. I'm not leaving anyone behind. She left herself behind. 

I forgot... if being caught screwing Chad on the couch wasn't a big enough of a wake-up call, she 's admitted to doing meth "a couple of times" since all of this went down. I think that the term "couple" means the same thing to a cheater as it does a junkie. What a profound revelation though, right? She said that to me in front of the deputy, and neither of us batted an eye. We were both looking at her like "and?",  and were both quite relieved that there was no more "ands".

Lots of emotional swings and irrational thought processes. I guess that's to be expected, and it's all the usual things that I read about here, so I guess that's why I'm not wallowing all that much. It's easier to be tough around the tough, right?

Oh, and no STDs for me! Tests came back negative on everything that I could think of having run. I wonder what the lab tech thought? Thank goodness I got those results back BEFORE knowing about the addiction. All that crap I was dealing with, PLUS worrying that my junk was going to explode from some creeping crud that she was incubating for me. Negative. Negative. Negative... all the way down the line. How's that for leaving on a positive note?

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, PinDrop said:

Taking meth is like basically throwing your old self away, and a new, dependent, permanently-addicted, self appears. She basically threw her life away, knowingly. I mean, she KNOWS what it does to a person, any person, practically instantly.

🙄 You probably already know this, but extended use will often causes permanent brain damage along with the other effects you mention. Just what anyone needs.

If you can't get her to fully stop right away, there probably will be no turning back for her, unfortunately. And of course, how can you be expected to babysit your addict wife when you have major responsibilities of your own during a full blown pandemic?

I for one wouldn't blame you for walking. There are times to support the other person and there are times to recognize that it makes more sense to recuse oneself and turn her over to those who specialize in addressing her specific issues. I believe PIs (and presumably associated addiction treatment centers) are considered critical and open right now, although that may vary by state.

There's also no guarantee treatment will actually help. I agree this is a form of throwing her life away.

[WilyWill]

I'd say bail out and help her from afar. Pay for her treatment, send her to a good rehab facility. Then wash your hands of the whole thing. If she doesn't want to get better that's her problem. If she gets better, there's still no reason to be married to her. Like you said, even when she was clean, she made some bad choices that were fatal to the marriage. 

[scotchnstout]

3 hours ago, PinDrop said:

Hello all. Sorry for bugging out for so long. Lots of stuff on my plate. Not much time where I can sit down at my own computer. This pandemic has everyone on edge, so we're putting out more psychological fires at this point than we are actually dealing with medical emergencies.

Thank all of you for everything, both in this thread, and though reading your experiences in other threads. I don't know what I'd do without you. Probably something stupid. Probably a BUNCH of stupid things. 

I went though a crushing week. All of you know how that feels. Busyness helps, but only delays the process of getting my mind right. So many different emotions and second-guessing... most of the second-guessing coming as the result of people offering terrible advice to me during a time of emotional weakness, some of which I probably would have entertained, if not for this community. 

Thank you for asking that. I saw your post on my teeny phone screen and began to wonder about that again. It got shuffled lower in importance to "wife gets railed on couch by stranger" and a few other things. So, shortly after reading your post, I called the bank and found out the business' address. It was the key to everything. It was the answer to the question "why?". Where most of us are resigned to never really knowing why, you know, it's all a bunch of strange, primitive, "tell me about your mother", grey matter stuff anyway as to why cheaters cheat, but in this case, well...

It was a charge at store that provides party supplies. You know, paper plates, balloons, napkins, and methamphetamine. Apparently, there was an employee there, at least according to the owner, who was turning credit card charges into drugs. The authorities believe that it's the owner's son, because the owner doesn't appear to have the mental acuity any more to run the business, and his son kept the books. They can't find the son. Let's just say that they were lawyer'ed up already, when I went in to ask about the charge, but the business was still open. Meth probably wasn't on Aisle 3 anymore. I didn't get much from them, except that the police were involved, so that's where I went, and that's where I got as much as the police know.

So someone who knew better, decided to "try" some meth. 1 month, "a couple of times", in (if she is to be believed), and she's having sex with some dude in my house. I confronted her with our friendly neighborhood sheriff's deputy along for the show, because I honestly didn't know how she was going to react to me opening this new can of worms. She can't have that garbage in our house! This is my life and my home too. There had to be some "official" record of the goings-on here. That's the absolute last thing that I need, to be a suspect in my own home because of the trash that she brought into it. Before, I had some sort of trust in her sanity, if not her behavior, but now... so yeah, I invited the man into my life. I didn't want to take any chances.

She handled the situation pretty well I suppose. She owned up to the drug use, made a bunch of excuses as to why she went from fitness junky to... well, junky. If she's to be believed, there wasn't any "gateway" drug. No "Hey honey, you should probably cut back on your drinking a little", or anything like that. She went straight from vegi smoothies to the pipe. 

I wanted to log in here before I confronted her and post "It's METH!", because I can't type well on my phone, but I wanted to scream where people would feel it! I typed it out a couple of times on my phone, but I knew that it wasn't fair to all here to type "It's METH! Can't talk now", so I waited until I could sit down at this thing called a keyboard.

There really is no coming back from this. The whole sex with another dude thing was a killer, but being married to an addict? That stuff turns you into a different person. I mean, this is all the proof that I need, to know that there's nothing out there anymore. She's now rewired to instantly plug into meth whenever it's around. Whenever she thinks about it. Whenever she's triggered by a TV commercial or a song on the radio. She could be off of it for a year, and bump into someone she knew... instantly, she will crave again. This is a lifetime thing. Taking meth is like basically throwing your old self away, and a new, dependent, permanently-addicted, self appears. She basically threw her life away, knowingly. I mean, she KNOWS what it does to a person, any person, practically instantly. What the hell? 

If she was doing this for a month, you'd think that I'd notice something. It's not like sneaking a hit off a joint now and again. This stuff takes you over. I know that I've been really busy travelling and such over the last couple of months, but I was that blind? The deputy said that it's not that uncommon for the "significant others" to be blind to such things early on, but he wasn't exactly giving me a pass. More truth, like I get here.

...and who the hell am I now? I'm struggling with "leave no man behind". So she damaged herself, probably beyond repair, and I'm bailing on her. "You're on your own, buddy. You're damaged goods.". So, when do I get a pass on all of this? Cheating is obviously a deal-breaker. No doubt. I mean, I get a pass on bailing because of that alone, but then, if there's psychological damage that leads to the behavior... aren't we supposed to weather that?

I'm totally repulsed by her now. I see her as being on her second mugshot in a "faces of meth" poster. I really mean that.

It's a different part of my brain that's screaming that she's sick, and my duty is to help her past this sickness. What? ...and then dump her ass? I'm already checked out (I think?). It's a moral dilemma now!? This part is hard in a different way. Where before, it was visceral, emotional, it's now conceptual, or a question of ethics. 

If she was in a car accident, perhaps suffered undiagnosed brain damage, and behaved as she has, wouldn't there be some discussion of what our vows meant? Isn't that what they're designed for? What if she decided to play chicken with another car, and got in that accident? Is that an out due to a technicality? I look at this situation as her playing chicken with meth. It's on her. It's not like she accidentally smoked meth and then accidentally crashed into a penis. I think that's where I am. I'm not leaving anyone behind. She left herself behind. 

I forgot... if being caught screwing Chad on the couch wasn't a big enough of a wake-up call, she 's admitted to doing meth "a couple of times" since all of this went down. I think that the term "couple" means the same thing to a cheater as it does a junkie. What a profound revelation though, right? She said that to me in front of the deputy, and neither of us batted an eye. We were both looking at her like "and?",  and were both quite relieved that there was no more "ands".

Lots of emotional swings and irrational thought processes. I guess that's to be expected, and it's all the usual things that I read about here, so I guess that's why I'm not wallowing all that much. It's easier to be tough around the tough, right?

Oh, and no STDs for me! Tests came back negative on everything that I could think of having run. I wonder what the lab tech thought? Thank goodness I got those results back BEFORE knowing about the addiction. All that crap I was dealing with, PLUS worrying that my junk was going to explode from some creeping crud that she was incubating for me. Negative. Negative. Negative... all the way down the line. How's that for leaving on a positive note?

Damn bro, when it rains it pours,life has really decided to take a chunk out of you right now, your s*** sandwich seems to be getting s*****er by the day, one thing I see your feeling kind of guilty because you think your being to harsh with her, I wouldn't, your feelings should be your priority now(he** it should be hers as well), however you need to deal with this to come out the other side with your sanity intact is okay with me bro, keep up and stay safe.

[Poutrew]

A few years ago, a poster had issues with his wife that sounded similar to your wife's. It turned out her problem was not infidelity, but organic. She was diagnosed with pre frontal lobe dementia... perhaps it would be a good idea to do a full work up on her... I dunno, it just seems to me when someone does such outrageously out of character things, it might be an indication of other things going on. It wouldn't change things,  but at least it would offer some answers. Good luck.

[Buffer]

Brother, stuff a duck, a Meth head! WTF.

I am sure you WW is a educated person, but must have a wiring short circuit. I am sure there was a influencing factor, possible from her toxic friend. I can’t fathom that thought process. A person married to a medical professional, just thinking l will try meth! Why not? What can happen? Was she on a meth high when she banged lobster 🦞 Larry.

Does help to understand somethings but still. Poor choice decisions since the first hit, obviously! Then the ongoing flow on.

She should have a idea being in isolation what ramifications this has had on you and the marriage. 
Caught early there is a good chance of rehabilitation with a supportive structure and support group to assist that monkey on her back.
Be strong, she has to be accountable for her actions! She went and purchased the drug, and gear to use it. Got the high, then started the thinking I deserve more to sex, life etc. the road of entertainment!

For her definitely one day at a time. Good luck Doc to you.

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[lolablue17]

Remember when she swore that she's telling the whole truth, that it happened only once, and she is transparent to you, and so and so, people here (including me) warned you that you're not in any way getting the whole truth. What she says is meaningless, because she's motivated by her self-survival. 

So, what do we have up to now? A woman that only admits the facts you already know. You got the first step of the classic trickle truth, so disappointing, So predictable, so common with cheaters. As a man who likes science and logic, you probably guess by yourself that there's much more to it. Your wife had a whole secret world, including many things you don't know about. And no, it didn't happen once, and not only with him. 

I believe that helping vs not helping her, is a separated decision from continuing being with her. It's much more than sex or drugs. It's a long term and deep roots mental issue, she have never shared with you.

 

[schlumpy]

11 minutes ago, lolablue17 said:

I believe that helping vs not helping her, is a separated decision from continuing being with her. It's much more than sex or drugs. It's a long term and deep roots mental issue, she have never shared with you.

 

LOLABLUE is dead on here. It is very important to recognize the staying with her and helping her are two separate pathways that should not be joined.

[preraph]

You can go to Al Anon and they will help you know what to do about her addiction (not enable it, realize it's up to her).  You're right, she's an addict.  It was fitness extremes, and now it's meth.  No telling what's next.  But yeah, she's got to go.  

[S2B]

So you plan to file for divorce? I’m sorry about the news... and I understand why you think both of these are dealbreakers.

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She has to want to change, most need to hit ‘Rock Bottom’. Then start the journey to recovery. Well no husband, no home, pending D, life in disorder. Got to be getting close. Hopefully her toxic friend and her BF don’t help her as she will continue to spiral down. Most likely will go through the D settlement fairly quickly. Druggies tend to stick to others with cash 💰 so to enable their habitats including sexual and meth. She needs to be held accountable for all of her actions. Get a free pass helps to enable her ways. 
One day at a time. 
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[JS84]

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It's a different part of my brain that's screaming that she's sick, and my duty is to help her past this sickness. What? ...and then dump her ass? I'm already checked out (I think?). It's a moral dilemma now!? This part is hard in a different way. Where before, it was visceral, emotional, it's now conceptual, or a question of ethics. 

If she was in a car accident, perhaps suffered undiagnosed brain damage, and behaved as she has, wouldn't there be some discussion of what our vows meant? Isn't that what they're designed for? What if she decided to play chicken with another car, and got in that accident? Is that an out due to a technicality? 

 

Please ignore this part of your brain entirely.

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I look at this situation as her playing chicken with meth. It's on her. It's not like she accidentally smoked meth and then accidentally crashed into a penis. I think that's where I am. I'm not leaving anyone behind. She left herself behind. 

This is how you should be looking at it and the only way you should be looking at it. It's not like she broke her back in a car accident and got addicted to the pain killers she was prescribed. She's a grown woman who knowingly sought out to try meth and was f***ing another man a month later. These were choices and decisions that she made.

If you think a cheater can f*** up your life, try dealing with a drug addict. I know there's not a lot to be grateful for in your situation, but just be glad you discovered all of this sooner rather than later. It would be a hell of a lot worse if this was going on for years behind your back and with children involved.