So many things....

[PinDrop]

16 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Who are you today PinDrop?

Thanks for asking, usa1ah. I'm certainly going through the emotional wringer. It's strange that I was in apparently better emotional shape a couple of days ago, when my emotional defense mechanisms were adrenaline fueled. Now, it's a dull ache with occasional moments of deep sadness, anger, hope... you name it. It rolls around and around...

The marathon aspect of dealing with the situation doesn't allow much for destressing. It's all the time. At least on mission, there's that element of stress, but there's defined endpoints along a time range. You get back alive, or it won't matter, in a reasonable amount of time. Either way, it's only a small amount of stress time. This is 24/7! I shouldn't complain. Many have been through worse. 

As one or more of my lifelines here has mentioned, yes, if adultery is involved, and there's evidence for it, then the 1 year separation requirement can be waived. As is par for the course, the Judge is the only one who can decide that. 

I didn't speak to my wife yesterday. I was too vulnerable emotionally. Not an irrational wreck, but I certainly wasn't in a position where I wanted to hear her say basically everything everyone here is saying that she'll say, and be able to respond without emotion. Better to avoid her. I've been reading the material on what people call the 180. Yeah, that's not easy, even when it's my natural inclination to 180 already. I guess that I have an inclination to naturally 180 everyone during certain times and circumstances EXCEPT my wife. That's what happens when you let all of your defenses down over the years, I guess. You hand them the nuclear briefcase and ask them politely not to push the pretty, candy-like button that blows everything all to hell. 

I'll be speaking to my wife today sometime. Not sure when. Certainly after I've had my coffee... with bourbon. Kidding! 

I live in a smallish town and commute. So it's not surprising that I saw Chad Thundercock while getting gas and a drink. We were both filling our cups and I was in my own little world. I about crapped myself when I looked over and recognized the tattoos on his upper chest, followed by his face that looked like it was worked over with a claw hammer by a zombie or something. Horrible acne. I suspect roids. Way too much vascularity for someone on a natural diet. He didn't recognise me, hell, I don't even know if he knows I exist. I suppose that he does, but I doubt that my wife showed him the family photos, and he didn't seem the type to be very observant of anything beyond the range of his tip.

I wanted to chop his head off and throw it in the drink cooler. Instead, I smiled the fake smile that fake people smile... and then thought about chopping both heads off. I made it back to the Rover without killing or being killed, so that's a positive.

Edited March 19, 2020 by PinDrop
clarification

[PinDrop]

I almost forgot... Wife's friend is blowing up the phone as well. Sorry about what happened. Didn't know that she'd go through with it. It only happened once. It was all talk she thought. 

Apparently, she didn't have a problem with it, because she sounded to be squarely in my wife's corner. Maybe I'll call her back and let her know that her boyfriend didn't use protection. Yeah, it's all fun and games until one ends up with the creepin' cruds. Maybe I'll call her back and ask her, if she didn't know that her best friend laid pipe with her boyfriend until after the fact (even if she apparently approved), if she was confident that my wife was the only one he was ruining couches with behind her back... without any protection. Or maybe I won't call her. I'm trying to figure out what my interests in that would be. I'm not HER friend. 

STD test today. Corona is sketching people out, but since I'm an MD, I can prescribe it for myself, and I can do it all except the labs, so everything still needs to be sent off. Hopefully the 1 day turnaround still applies. I doubt the labs are overwealmed at this time. We don't even have enough test kits for Corona, so it's not like there's a ton of that testing to do yet. I wanted to do it yesterday, but I was worn out from lawyers and the great weight on my chest. I didn't want to go into the facility either. Too many questions from loving compatriots too soon. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by PinDrop
verbs are important

[lolablue17]

59 minutes ago, PinDrop said:

Maybe I'll call her back...\\ Or maybe I won't call her. I'm trying to figure out what my interests in that would be.

100% certainty that your interests are not to call her. The same applies for your wife too. 

Yes, it's hard, it's hell, but if you can resist temptation,  talking to your wife \ wife's friend, is against any interest of yours. You can make all the arrangements with your wife through lawyers. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by lolablue17

[PinDrop]

What the hell did she think that she was doing? I don't understand it. I try not to dwell on that, but damn. She was a great wife. Now, she isn't. I'm not sure if she ever was. Trust broken. Everything is now a lie until proven otherwise. What a horrible state to be in. At least, with a stranger, there is a potential of deceit. You go in knowing that, but a handshake goes a long way to establish a baseline. Nonetheless, you don't fully trust a stranger until you get to know them, but this betrayal. It's worse than the distrust of strangers. Combine that with this person occupying a place in my life for so long. Nothing with her is second-nature to me anymore. I get it when people say that they're shattered, devastated, angry, humiliated, heartbroken, confused and torn. I just never got it that those things were happening all at once, and of course, who do you run to when you're like that? Yeah. Your spouse. Boom. 

I just don't get it. Everything was great. She even said that herself the other day. She couldn't have asked for better she said. Damn straight. I sacrificed willingly and joyously for her. Never once did I berate her for her feelings. We disagreed at times, but it was always with a strong undercurrent of love and admiration... or was it? Everything is a lie with her until proven otherwise. Is that even healthy? Is that extreme? Everyone knows that the truth is somewhere outside of two individuals' perceptions. Yes? 

This is so screwed. You don't wander about life and suddenly stumble on to another man's junk. It's a step-by-step process, if you're sober and well-adjusted, to get to the point where you're destroying your marriage. There's chances to stop the whole way through. How the hell did she blow through all of those fail-safes? I don't get it at all. It should have come to a complete halt in her mind, long before anything emotional or physical happened. On the other hand, she wanted to do what she did. What part of her wanted that? She didn't even get what she wanted. She said that it was only like 10 minutes. I took that, at the time, as her saying that the whole affair lasted "like 10 minutes", and was minimizing it, but listening to the recorder over and over and over again (that's probably not good), it sounded like she actually was looking forward to something a little more than 10 action-packed minutes with Sluggo. Anyway, this is probably not a healthy line of conversation since I see nothing productive coming out of it. She did what she did. 

I think that understanding her intent means something, if I can trust anything that comes from her, but only if I feel like there's something worth saving. I'd explore deeper, and confront that dragon, but I keep coming back to what I saw, and I believe that rationally speaking, there's nothing worth saving except whatever I can learn from this to make it meaningful in some way. The dragon isn't guarding a virgin and a pile of gold. It's guarding a defiled wife and a world of hurt.

8 minutes ago, lolablue17 said:

100% certainty that your interests are not to call her. The same applies fr your wife too. 

Yes, it's hard, it's hell, but if you can resist temptation,  talking to your wife \ wife's friend, is against any interest of yours. You can make all the arrangements with your wife through layers. 

Okay. I won't call her friend. I have to call my wife at some point. She's still my wife until she's not, and in order for her to NOT be my wife, there has to be some communication, right? I guess everything could go through the lawyers. Maybe? I'll ask them. I had a long list of questions, but that wasn't one. It doesn't seem right that way though. Damnit. I hate not being able to trust my own sense of what's rational right now. 

Besides, calling the wife-in-name-only might help my phone's battery as well. She's calling all of the time, and when she leaves voicemails, it's like these posts... long and rambling. If I can get her to stop being noise in the system for a while, I might end up being able to square my s*** away properly.

[lolablue17]

1 hour ago, PinDrop said:

Besides, calling the wife-in-name-only might help my phone's battery as well

  
Ha ha ha... 

To clarify the No Contact advice. It's not meant to punish her. It's only meant to protect you. As you mentioned, the person you most yearn to talk to, to hug, to cry on her shoulder - is the only one that is restricted from you. Remember? You lost your best friend. 
Although talking to her might make you feel better for a while, it won't do any good. When I broke up with Exwife or other breakups, I thought and still think that communication is excellent. It helps the one that was left with a broken heart to ask questions, to express themselves, to allow them a process that is graduate and less sudden. 

If you could get these by talking to your wife - Sure, why not. But you probably won't get any of it. You will expose yourself to an ongoing campaign on her behalf. It won't be two honest people, helping each other to go through the crisis. You are a target now, and she's on a mission. If, in order to bring you back, she'll have to do ___ ___ ___ or say ___ ___ ___, she will do it \ say it, no matter what it is. She is a saleswoman right now, making hardcore sales on you while you're in a vulnerable position you don't need to talk to salespeople right now. 
 
About your wife... People are curious. How will it be to climb the Everest, how would it be to be a criminal, how would it be participating in a threesome, how would it felt to be a stripper and get applause for getting naked... the list is endless. We have cultural rules and agreements between us what is permitted or forbidden, but it doesn't eliminate curiosity. Back to your wife - She was curious.

She knew it's wrong, but the temptation is there. Your boundaries are probably more stable and strong than hers. She is weaker and surrendered to temptation, and her "risk management instinct" indicated her that you probably will never know, so why not do this? After the first time, the second time is much easier, and from the 3rd time, it's just a little bothering, no big deal. 
 
I think that your wife doesn't have to be a bad person. She might be a great person, and with all of your sorrow, she might be a great wife in the future - with another man, not you. The reasons you can't be with her are many... 

You will never be happy and calm with her. You will never believe her because she did it and is lying to you in these moments. Because if you stay, your life will become miserable. You will become a nervous, bitter, walking dead man, because she hurt you so bad and didn't think of you even 1%, while planning the intercourse, or while this man's **** was inside her. She is not worthy - to you. It would be best if you stayed away from her - shes a dangerous trap. 
 
 
 

Edited March 19, 2020 by lolablue17

[usa1ah]

Why did they ruin a relationship for this? That is the question no one has been able to answer. 
 

The emotional roller coaster you are on is normal. The asking why is normal. The emotional wreckage is normal. 
 

Each day it will get better. 
 

The shock of what happened is wearing off. That is why the rest of the emotions are showing up. The fight or flight response is over and the aftermath of what has happened is what you are now dealing with. 
 

First, is this a deal breaker marriage over or can you stay with her?

 

Make this decision and plan accordingly. 
 

Then follow through the plan of action. 
 

Stay strong and know that you are not the only one to go through this s*** storm. 

[mark clemson]

I have no theories on whether this was the first time, but FWIW I agree that there's a good chance she would have continued at least for a while. My guess is she would have screwed him at least a few time. Affairs can be a bit addictive, unfortunately.

Truth is she took you for granted. She probably thought she could have some fun on the side, you never find out, no one gets hurt (ha). Not using protection shows some really poor judgement, particularly with a personal trainer who she knows screws around.

She also certainly picked a fine time to blow up both your lives (not that there's ever a good time).

Very bad decision, and I suspect one she will regret for many years to come. She will probably chase you for years and you will want nothing to do with her. That's how it often goes, apparently. Very sad.

[Bryanp]

The fact that she brought him into your home is such a symbolic gesture of disrespect that it can not be excused.

[lolablue17]

27 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

The fact that she brought him into your home is such a symbolic gesture of disrespect that it can not be excused.

Spot on! How did I miss that?
In the past, the one who cheated on me did it always outside, but after a while, she worked hard to convince the OM to come to our home. 

He didn't want to do it in our (my) home because he felt that it's out of line. (just screwing my wife was not out of line for him apparently). But she had a fetish on this and eventually managed to make him come to us. (Yes, I have all the details). 

This guy lives by himself he has a room, or they could have gone to a motel, why did she have to bring him to your house, your couch? 
First, it's huge evidence that it was not the first time. The first time is terrifying and stressful, what if you come back earlier? What if one of the neighbors will notice something? ect... No! You bring them home only after you have some experience, and doing it in her home, her couch is another thrill she wanted to experience that was on her list. 

The more significant issue is what Bryanp said. If she wanted the experience, she could have done it in a different place, and by letting this man enter your house, she violated your marriage temple + she has shown zero respect to you personally. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by lolablue17

[schlumpy]

Lolablue said it very well that you should minimize your contact because she will use that contact to ascertain whatever weakness she can gather from your reactions and thus give a sharper edge to her entreaties for forgiveness.

No one knows you better.

[JS84]

I'd stick to no contact unless it's something necessary to talk about. Maybe hold off any serious conversations until you speak with a lawyer, see your options and file. If you have any questions for her regarding her cheating, her emotional state, how could she do this, etc write them down on paper so you stay focused and on topic when you ask. The biggest mistake I see WS at your point make is getting drawn into 2, 3, 6 hour long emotional conversations about their feelings or just having a lot of sex with their WS (Hysterical Bonding).

I'm not saying don't talk to your wife, but don't feel you have to talk to her because you feel like you have to talk to her. You really don't. There are some spouses who rarely talk to their WS again. Not saying you have to go to that extreme, but the less you engage with her the faster you'll be able to move on. The more you engage the harder it will be for you to let go.

Again, you're going to be on this emotional roller coaster for months, but it will get better. And you'll drive yourself nuts trying to understand why/how your wife could blow up a good thing like what you two had. After 7 or 8 years on a few forums like this, I can tell you her answer isn't original and won't make you feel any better.

[WilyWill]

You need to consider the possibility that what your wife is describing as a "one-time thing" was actually a long-term arrangement spanning many months. She might have encouraged you to buy the sectional for her purposes only. Or maybe she finally felt guilty using the marital bed. Who knows? 

She's told her friend to tell whatever lies are necessary and to accept part of the blame. The blame belongs squarely on your wife. Not the friend, not Chad. Needless to say, in the unlikely event that you choose to reconcile, this woman can no longer be your wife's friend. And to answer your question about whether you should talk to her, I'd say don't bother. You owe this woman nothing and don't need to entertain additional lies. Let her continue to make her own bed and lie in it. 

[Buckeye2]

The facts are that she did it on a new couch 10 feet from a camera she knew was there.    DKT3 suggested that she might have wanted to get caught.  I wouldn’t go that far but I don’t think all the factors are random.

The odds of you checking the security system the one and only time she did it are extremely high.   Add to that she did it on the only furniture with a camera (no cameras in the bedrooms) and you approach the odds of winning the lottery. 

People have sex in public places like a church.  The potential of being caught adds some spice for some people.   If where the sex took place was deliberate then all that remain is you checking a the exact time and the odds aren’t as astronomical.

Again I wouldn’t go as far as saying she wanted to be caught but I think it gave the sex an extra charge because she could be.  

Edited March 19, 2020 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

On 3/16/2020 at 10:38 AM, PinDrop said:

I think that she knows that the cameras did her in, but I didn't say anything about it.

Someone could have seen his car parked outside, etc.  Why would she jump to the cameras right away unless she was well aware of the potential?

Edited March 19, 2020 by Buckeye2

[usa1ah]

She could have forgotten about the camera in the excitement of what was about to happen. 
 

Also the only reason PinDrop looked at the dashboard was because of the low battery alert. 
 

She had no reason to believe PinDrop would be looking at the video feed. 
 

It really doesn’t matter if she has ever done this in the past. It happened, PinDrop needs to work it out for himself if it is a dealbreaker. I really don’t think it matters if it was once or a hundred times. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

If she asks if the two of you can work it out, think of doing this. Down load a copy of the video to a flash drive, give her the flash drive and ask if she thinks it is possible to work it out. Then leave. 

[scotchnstout]

10 hours ago, PinDrop said:

What the hell did she think that she was doing? I don't understand it. I try not to dwell on that, but damn. She was a great wife. Now, she isn't. I'm not sure if she ever was. Trust broken. Everything is now a lie until proven otherwise. What a horrible state to be in. At least, with a stranger, there is a potential of deceit. You go in knowing that, but a handshake goes a long way to establish a baseline. Nonetheless, you don't fully trust a stranger until you get to know them, but this betrayal. It's worse than the distrust of strangers. Combine that with this person occupying a place in my life for so long. Nothing with her is second-nature to me anymore. I get it when people say that they're shattered, devastated, angry, humiliated, heartbroken, confused and torn. I just never got it that those things were happening all at once, and of course, who do you run to when you're like that? Yeah. Your spouse. Boom. 

I just don't get it. Everything was great. She even said that herself the other day. She couldn't have asked for better she said. Damn straight. I sacrificed willingly and joyously for her. Never once did I berate her for her feelings. We disagreed at times, but it was always with a strong undercurrent of love and admiration... or was it? Everything is a lie with her until proven otherwise. Is that even healthy? Is that extreme? Everyone knows that the truth is somewhere outside of two individuals' perceptions. Yes? 

This is so screwed. You don't wander about life and suddenly stumble on to another man's junk. It's a step-by-step process, if you're sober and well-adjusted, to get to the point where you're destroying your marriage. There's chances to stop the whole way through. How the hell did she blow through all of those fail-safes? I don't get it at all. It should have come to a complete halt in her mind, long before anything emotional or physical happened. On the other hand, she wanted to do what she did. What part of her wanted that? She didn't even get what she wanted. She said that it was only like 10 minutes. I took that, at the time, as her saying that the whole affair lasted "like 10 minutes", and was minimizing it, but listening to the recorder over and over and over again (that's probably not good), it sounded like she actually was looking forward to something a little more than 10 action-packed minutes with Sluggo. Anyway, this is probably not a healthy line of conversation since I see nothing productive coming out of it. She did what she did. 

I think that understanding her intent means something, if I can trust anything that comes from her, but only if I feel like there's something worth saving. I'd explore deeper, and confront that dragon, but I keep coming back to what I saw, and I believe that rationally speaking, there's nothing worth saving except whatever I can learn from this to make it meaningful in some way. The dragon isn't guarding a virgin and a pile of gold. It's guarding a defiled wife and a world of hurt.

Okay. I won't call her friend. I have to call my wife at some point. She's still my wife until she's not, and in order for her to NOT be my wife, there has to be some communication, right? I guess everything could go through the lawyers. Maybe? I'll ask them. I had a long list of questions, but that wasn't one. It doesn't seem right that way though. Damnit. I hate not being able to trust my own sense of what's rational right now. 

Besides, calling the wife-in-name-only might help my phone's battery as well. She's calling all of the time, and when she leaves voicemails, it's like these posts... long and rambling. If I can get her to stop being noise in the system for a while, I might end up being able to square my s*** away properly.

Damn I really empathize with you man, BTDT , hell I still got trust issues going on 7 years later. As for if you should talk to her, I don't think you should until your mentally prepared or at least as much as you can be, no answer she can provide will ever be enough it's just a truly s**** situation.

[lolablue17]

9 hours ago, Buckeye2 said:

Again I wouldn’t go as far as saying she wanted to be caught but I think it gave the sex an extra charge because she could be.  

Add to that - Extra charge like that cannot be a first time ever cheating, and your husband is the only one you have ever done it with. You have to be experienced in cheating to develope that wish. It was not the ot first time, nor the second. 

Edited March 20, 2020 by lolablue17

[lolablue17]

8 hours ago, scotchnstout said:

Damn I really empathize with you man, BTDT , hell I still got trust issues going on 7 years later. As for if you should talk to her, I don't think you should until your mentally prepared or at least as much as you can be, no answer she can provide will ever be enough it's just a truly s**** situation.

In my case, she was the one who initiated the confession, by her own will. I didn't know anything. She just felt I needed to know everything and came clean. So this kind of confession, when the wife is choosing to tell you the truth, then you can believe her. For me, it was crucial. I forgave the Cheating, I couldn't have tried to work it out if I didn't feel I'm getting the whole truth.  

It didn't work out in the end in my case because my forgiveness didn't help. I divorced her two years after because I lost my love for her. My brain forgave her, but my feelings have gradually changed and gone for her because of the Cheating. Yes, Cheating can change everything. 

[scotchnstout]

1 hour ago, lolablue17 said:

It didn't work out in the end in my case because my forgiveness didn't help. I divorced her two years after because I lost my love for her. My brain forgave her, but my feelings have gradually changed and gone for her because of the Cheating.Yes, Cheating can change everything. 

This bro is something I really get, intellectually I understand trying to R especially with a confession , whether that be for your kids or spouse but I just kept getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a mix of pain an anger and some other feelings to this day I still can't identify, probably disappointment every time I would look at her an I knew I couldn't do it.

 

It's really changed how I've operated in relationships since, not just with trust but my happiness is of paramount importance to me now, never again will I put a partners wants before my own.

[PinDrop]

I used to run to my wife when I felt vulnerable. No matter where I was and the crap that I was going through, I knew the people around me were willing to sacrifice themselves for me, and I for them. That group of people included my wife. I imagine myself in hell, once again, but this time, my brothers turn on me. Can you imagine? Of course you can. It happened to you too, or you wouldn't be here helping me put myself back together again. If your brothers turned on you, or your SPOUSE turned on you, would the fight be worth fighting? I was fighting for her, and she for me. The dynamic is completely broken.

There was nobody to run to when my wife turned on me, except all of you. ALL of you. I am so grateful for you. When I didn't understand how to... BE, and I certainly wasn't ready to grab the hand of a face-to-face friend, all of YOU were here. I can't prove it, but I believe it to be true, and that is that the greatest good comes out of the most inexplicable personal tragedies. I'm inclined to believe that more after time with you. 

What's the new meaning of life? That's the real issue here. You spend your life embracing chaos, trying to make sense of it, and trying to order it in some way. I think that it's something like that. In ordering it, there are certain things that you take for granted, I don't know, like your wife not doing atrocious things with some guy with a grim reaper tattoo on his ass. Things like that. Often, those things that you take for granted form the foundation of your world view, or you wouldn't be taking them for granted. So now, what was orderly is now a complete mess, because what I took for granted propped everything else up. I now have to reorganize. What a mess. All this, for an average 50 percent orgasm rate (He: 100 percent, obviously. Her: Zero percent), if she is to be believed, in the voicemail love bombing campaign that I'm currently dug in against. 

I tend to post in the morning and then do my best not to bury myself here during the day. I do read at times during the day though. A couple of times, I was dead-set to do something, and I'd see a new post pop up that would suggest or reinforce a better decision. I can't thank all of you enough. 

I'm moving back into my house this weekend. I'm reading a bunch here, trying to wrap my mind around how to behave while I'm in close proximity to her. I don't want to but the lawyers recommend it. Move in, and then plan a bunch of business trips! That idea flashed through my mind, but was quickly trashed by COVID-19. Nobody is meeting with anybody! We have a mother-in-law suite. It has everything that a mother-in-law needs, if that mother-in-law is a real pain in the backside and needs to be isolated from the rest of the house. That'll do perfectly. My wife will love it. 

Edited March 20, 2020 by PinDrop
clarification

[usa1ah]

Hang in there PInDrop. 
 

You need someone to talk to in person. You need this. Find this person even if it’s a therapist. You need someone to help you with this face to face.  

[Buckeye2]

11 hours ago, PinDrop said:

I'm moving back into my house this weekend. I'm reading a bunch here, trying to wrap my mind around how to behave while I'm in close proximity to her.

 

If you’re trying to save the marriage you behave differently than if you want a divorce. 

When saving the marriage you want to expose the affair far and wide to break through the affair fog.  You tell the workplace and the other betrayed spouse, etc. You want to set the record straight and go to counseling.

If you want a quick and smooth divorce you play nice.  You don’t expose to anyone you don’t have to (until the divorce is final).  You don’t get mad or call people names.   You accept want they tell you as the truth and don’t argue.

You would like to reconcile but you know yourself well enough that you’re sure you will never get over it no matter what the WS does.    You appreciate their efforts but it’s best for both of you to start your new life ASAP.

That way you have nothing to talk about but making the divorce work. 

Also by keeping your powder dry and not exposing there is an implied threat.  That if they don’t give you reasonable divorce terms you might rock their world.

Edited March 21, 2020 by Buckeye2

[lolablue17]

One of the things that keep and prevent you from processing and reordering your thoughts is the fact that you're staying out of your familiar environment - your home. 

If she is (as you mentioned before) in an "I'll do anything" state of mind, use it for your benefit and tell her that you need time to process everything, maybe 1-2 months. And during that time, it would help if she finds herself a place to stay. She was the one who made all the mess, so why would you the one staying in a hotel? Seems fair to me. 

By that, you do what your lawyer says, and still keep some distance from her. 

 

 

[PinDrop]

Hey all. All is well, if one considers that I'm still trying to find my new place in the universe. It's strange how your mind opens up and you get so much smaller after something like this happens. You've got your little safe bubble and it pops, exposing yourself to all those things that used to be irrelevant, but you still have life, hope and a future. My wife cheated on me, and this happened, but damn if I can't help feeling sorry for someone whose bubble that popped was terminal cancer, the loss of a child, or some such other disaster. I mean, I'm not THERE. I'll survive no matter what nasties wait for me in the void. 

So the wife, after some discussion, took my advice and moved to the mother-in-law suite, which is more than enough for either of us. She didn't want the separation. I told her that separation occurred when she separated her legs. Actually, it occurred the second that she considered separating her legs, but whatever, a technicality.

"How can we work on our relationship if we don't interact with each other?"  

"Who said that we were working towards that?"

"What else would we work towards?"

"I have some things to work on. You have some things to work on. WE probably don't have much to work on."

It was a bunch of stuff like that. Stuff you've all seen before, which would be new to me as well, if not for you. We haven't really talked about anything. It's been more of her doing the talking and me basically grunting. It's not as if I'm not listening. I'm listening quite well. I just don't know how to categorize what she says, beginning with TRUTH or LIE, followed by MATTERS and DOESN'T MATTER. Not much gets past those two filters. I'm sure things like DIVORCE and FINANCES will soon enough though. 

She's apparently doing a bunch of reading and has some guidance coming from somewhere. I don't believe that she's coming here, and I absolutely don't have time to add investigating that to the s*** list, but she's got the remorse thing down pat. While I avoid face-to-face interactions, at least since she's been downstairs, but she still blows up my phone. She's not blaming anyone but herself, she's explaining her mistakes that led up to it, and she's not making excuses any more, not that she did ever did much of that, but I don't care. I want to blow things up. 

One of the insane parts of all of this is that I keep feeling like I'm being aggressive and unfair. It makes me second-guess. I doubt that I'm being either, especially seeing that I hold back most of the less noble emotions when I'm interacting with her. You can probably see it in the sarcasm though. Heck, all I'm doing is detaching. It's not like I'm inviting someone home to get laid on my new couch or something. Yet, here I am, second-guessing.

I'm also a bit impulsive, which is disconcerting, because I've never been that way before. Impulses such as wanting to run by the store where I saw the guy last, hoping that I'd see him again... to do WHAT? Yeah. Probably stare at him like a creeper... or worse? That's unhealthy. Seeking the dude out without any plan whatsoever. Not good. I figured part of that out though. It's the behavior of one who is fighting to maintain his self-esteem. I understand, to a degree, the impulsiveness. There's so many psychological defense mechanisms, some incredibly primitive, that are all on high alert, because my world changed so much so quickly. Perhaps it's some primitive psychological urge to gather intel. Whatever. I'm not acting on impulse, so I'm good there.

This probably all reads like a diary. I tried quoting posts and responding, but that takes a bit of time, I lose my train of thought, and I'd also be quoting posts from other threads, so I hope that you all understand that I'm reading everything, and taking note of everyone who has taken the time to help me through this. Thank you!

Oh and COVID-19... I'm getting prepped for what's coming down the pipe. Anyone with any medical experience may be called upon to move to where hot spots are and provide assistance. That means me, certainly. That pretty much means everyone I work with. If I disappear or end up short with my posts, it's because things are moving fast, and I suck at phone typing. So there's that... there may be people who need me, and perhaps you as well, a task that gives life meaning after it had temporarily lost meaning. 

Right now, it seems like my situation is so trivial compared to all of that. At least, I feel like I'm selfish worrying about a relationship, when people are worried about their lives. 

Edited March 23, 2020 by PinDrop