My update

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Deepremorse5 said:

Thanks. My husband called me this morning and said that he wants to meet me in person tomorrow to talk about something. I will meet him after 4 months.  I asked him what it is about, he said I will know tomorrow.Regardless, I am so excited. I will update tomorrow.

Does he want to divorce?

[Deepremorse5]

Unfortunately, we are divorced. Sorry, it's my mistake in the previous post. He is my ex-husband. 

[Dude67]

Deepremorse5.  I’ve followed your story from the beginning and respect how you have gone about making change.  One thing I never heard you say got resolved was why you cheated.  You said you didn’t know and that you were getting counseling to try to figure it out.  From all that you’ve written, it seems to me that your AP, who you would have married after being together for four years except that he asked you to wait, was very different from your husband. Your husband, how you describe him, holds his emotions close to the vest.  This, plus the fact that he was gone two weeks out of the month, combined with you doing a work project with your AP, is the reason for your affair.  Would you say that these are the reasons?  I’m primarily saying that you would have married your AP had he been ready, and you were more emotionally compatible with him (he’s emotionally more open and your husband less so), plus the fact that your AP was your first choice for a husband. 

[Deepremorse5]

On 9/14/2020 at 6:06 AM, Dude67 said:

Deepremorse5.  I’ve followed your story from the beginning and respect how you have gone about making change.  One thing I never heard you say got resolved was why you cheated.  You said you didn’t know and that you were getting counseling to try to figure it out.  From all that you’ve written, it seems to me that your AP, who you would have married after being together for four years except that he asked you to wait, was very different from your husband. Your husband, how you describe him, holds his emotions close to the vest.  This, plus the fact that he was gone two weeks out of the month, combined with you doing a work project with your AP, is the reason for your affair.  Would you say that these are the reasons?  I’m primarily saying that you would have married your AP had he been ready, and you were more emotionally compatible with him (he’s emotionally more open and your husband less so), plus the fact that your AP was your first choice for a husband. 

When I look back, I think I was just too selfish to care about others. Lot of people were hurt in the process. Trying to be a better person first before anything else.  

[Dude67]

I understand the thought of you being selfish.  However, to work on being a better person do you think you need to get down to the heart of the matter as to the exact reasons you cheated?  Because if the reasons were as I mentioned - that your first choice was really the OM until he couldn’t commit and that the OM is more open emotionally than ur ex husband - isn’t recognizing this extremely important if you end up reconciling with ur ex husband, or at a minimum, making sure you don’t make the same mistake in ur next relationship?  You kind of didn’t answer the question.  All WS’ are inherently selfish.  It’s the details as to why u cheated, and your recognition of those, that will allow you to self improve. Don’t you agree?  

[DKT3]

7 hours ago, Dude67 said:

I understand the thought of you being selfish.  However, to work on being a better person do you think you need to get down to the heart of the matter as to the exact reasons you cheated?  Because if the reasons were as I mentioned - that your first choice was really the OM until he couldn’t commit and that the OM is more open emotionally than ur ex husband - isn’t recognizing this extremely important if you end up reconciling with ur ex husband, or at a minimum, making sure you don’t make the same mistake in ur next relationship?  You kind of didn’t answer the question.  All WS’ are inherently selfish.  It’s the details as to why u cheated, and your recognition of those, that will allow you to self improve. Don’t you agree?  

I agree with the idea, but I believe she was just young and selfish.  Why she cheated? She thought she could get away with it.  After all her life as an entitled only child,  and I'm assuming a very good looking young lady she was use to doing what she wanted.  

When she started posting she was about as arrogant as they come. I'm my experience upper caste tend to be arrogant to start with but she was more then that, and I'm not even sure what caste she is.

[Dude67]

Why do U think she thought she could get away with it?  She consciously pushed her ex husband away for three months and treated him like crap.  He’s a smart guy and hired a PI to investigate.  Did DM5 not think her husband would not notice her behavior and find out?  Maybe it was also part of the new culture of acceptance of female infidelity in India.  Recent studies show that st least 55 percent of married Indian women cheat and that you can love more than one person at once.  Approx 70 percent of married Indians believe that infidelity should be forgiven and not a deal breaker.  I think she thought she might  be caught but would be forgiven.  I also think that DM5 consciously or unconsciously was sending a msg to her husband that hey, ur traveling two weeks each month and ur not an emphatic and emotionally open person.  The fact that she was utterly shocked when he divorced her I think shows this.  

[Deepremorse5]

On 9/21/2020 at 4:25 AM, Dude67 said:

I understand the thought of you being selfish.  However, to work on being a better person do you think you need to get down to the heart of the matter as to the exact reasons you cheated?  Because if the reasons were as I mentioned - that your first choice was really the OM until he couldn’t commit and that the OM is more open emotionally than ur ex husband - isn’t recognizing this extremely important if you end up reconciling with ur ex husband, or at a minimum, making sure you don’t make the same mistake in ur next relationship?  You kind of didn’t answer the question.  All WS’ are inherently selfish.  It’s the details as to why u cheated, and your recognition of those, that will allow you to self improve. Don’t you agree?  

It was all due to bad decision on my part. I put myself in a situation where I thought I would manage but clearly I was not capable (morally & emotionally) enough to conduct myself. Again to address the question you have asked, marriage was not the only reason why we broke up. It was one of the major reason but there were some other issues as well to the point where I stopped fighting to keep the relationship going. 

When we started working in the project again, I had my guards up. But the familiarity and the history we shared gradually crept into the equation we had. It reached to a point where I stopped consciously thinking about my moral obligations to the relationship I had with my husband.  Fueled with alcohol, I was a mess. But contrary to what DKT3 suggested I knew I will be caught. 

Next 3 months is kind of blurry to me now. I am trying to recollect most of the things that had happened. I know I was a mess those days and didn't put my best of behavior with my husband. I was projecting a lot of my scr***d up emotions on him in a negative way. Tbh I had even screamed at my ex-bf few times during that time. I knew I was guilty. And I didn't have the maturity to do the right things to the point where I found myself back in the same position again and again (physically and emotionally). It was an endless cycle.  I didn't find the courage to come out and say it to my husband. Also I couldn't stop it with my ex-bf.  They are the only 2 men I have been with my entire life.  

What goes around comes around, so I am waiting for my eventual destiny. 

[Zona]

1 hour ago, Deepremorse5 said:

Also I couldn't stop it with my ex-bf.

Are you still in contact with your ex-bf?

[Deepremorse5]

No

[petee]

Deepremorse5, it’s never over til it’s over. Have you had contact?

[Dude67]

16 hours ago, Deepremorse5 said:

It was all due to bad decision on my part. I put myself in a situation where I thought I would manage but clearly I was not capable (morally & emotionally) enough to conduct myself. Again to address the question you have asked, marriage was not the only reason why we broke up. It was one of the major reason but there were some other issues as well to the point where I stopped fighting to keep the relationship going. 

When we started working in the project again, I had my guards up. But the familiarity and the history we shared gradually crept into the equation we had. It reached to a point where I stopped consciously thinking about my moral obligations to the relationship I had with my husband.  Fueled with alcohol, I was a mess. But contrary to what DKT3 suggested I knew I will be caught. 

Next 3 months is kind of blurry to me now. I am trying to recollect most of the things that had happened. I know I was a mess those days and didn't put my best of behavior with my husband. I was projecting a lot of my scr***d up emotions on him in a negative way. Tbh I had even screamed at my ex-bf few times during that time. I knew I was guilty. And I didn't have the maturity to do the right things to the point where I found myself back in the same position again and again (physically and emotionally). It was an endless cycle.  I didn't find the courage to come out and say it to my husband. Also I couldn't stop it with my ex-bf.  They are the only 2 men I have been with my entire life.  

What goes around comes around, so I am waiting for my eventual destiny. 

DM5, that’s an extremely honest and forthright assessment.  Question: you keep mentioning throughout your threads that you knew you would be caught.  People don’t consciously cheat knowing they will be caught unless they have an agenda in mind.  

My assessment is that you wanted to be caught because you resented your husband for the following reasons:  1. You resented the fact that he traveled two weeks out of the month on business 2.  He is not open with his emotions 3. He is too serious, isn’t an outwardly social person, and doesn’t drink 4. You felt intellectually inferior to him 5.  And a big maybe - lots of women were after him so you beat him to the punch so to speak (a very subconscious thing if in fact true).  

In most ways you’re the opposite of your ex husband and more like the AP.  1.  AP is open with his emotions like you  2. AP is fun loving and doesn’t take life so seriously like you  3. AP drinks, likes to go out, snd is a very social person like you  4.  You are on the same intellectual level as the AP.  5. For you and the AP, each of you to the other is the one that got away - you were literally both meant to get married to each other. 

Does this ring true to you?  Again, who in the world says I know for a fact I’m going to get caught cheating, but I don’t expect or want to get divorced? The answer is a person who has an affair which is intended to be a wake call for the relationship, and send a clear message to their husband that things need to change around here.  In the end, after D day,  you expected that your ex husband would make the changes that you required in him and the marriage.  

The only other possibility is that this was an exit affair.  If it was, it had to be an unconscious thing because you clearly didn’t want the marriage to end.  However, an exit affair is still in the realm of possibility.

Unfortunately for you, your tactic of expecting to be caught triggering change in your husband’s behavior, and the marital dynamic, backfired. It’s obvious that you never expected that your husband would divorce you at the end of the day.  
 

DM5 - can you honestly say that none of what I say rings true?

[Dude67]

DM5.  I would also be interested on your thoughts about what I posted about infidelity and Indian society earlier.   Specifically, that over 50 percent of married Indian women cheat, and that 70 percent of Indian society thinks infidelity is not a marital deal breaker.  Most Indians think you can love more than one person at the same time.  And, these facts exist among the fact that the divorce rate in India is one of the lowest in the world.

Given these facts, you probably thought that infidelity wasn’t going to be a marital deal breaker.  The fact that your ex husband divorced you, in the country with the lowest divorce rate in the world, was totally something unexpected on your part.  
 

Please comment on this. 

[sandylee1]

Dude...you make some very interesting points. 

 

It doesn't make sense to say I knew I'd get caught, but yet not expect that would end in divorce. 

What did you expect his reaction to be? Honestly?

[Deepremorse5]

On 9/25/2020 at 4:40 AM, Dude67 said:

DM5.  I would also be interested on your thoughts about what I posted about infidelity and Indian society earlier.   Specifically, that over 50 percent of married Indian women cheat, and that 70 percent of Indian society thinks infidelity is not a marital deal breaker.  Most Indians think you can love more than one person at the same time.  And, these facts exist among the fact that the divorce rate in India is one of the lowest in the world.

Given these facts, you probably thought that infidelity wasn’t going to be a marital deal breaker.  The fact that your ex husband divorced you, in the country with the lowest divorce rate in the world, was totally something unexpected on your part.  
 

Please comment on this. 

I have no idea on the statistics. What you have shared might be valid for few urban areas but I am not sure about the country as a whole. 

 

On 9/25/2020 at 4:09 AM, Dude67 said:

DM5, that’s an extremely honest and forthright assessment.  Question: you keep mentioning throughout your threads that you knew you would be caught.  People don’t consciously cheat knowing they will be caught unless they have an agenda in mind.  

My assessment is that you wanted to be caught because you resented your husband for the following reasons:  1. You resented the fact that he traveled two weeks out of the month on business 2.  He is not open with his emotions 3. He is too serious, isn’t an outwardly social person, and doesn’t drink 4. You felt intellectually inferior to him 5.  And a big maybe - lots of women were after him so you beat him to the punch so to speak (a very subconscious thing if in fact true).  

In most ways you’re the opposite of your ex husband and more like the AP.  1.  AP is open with his emotions like you  2. AP is fun loving and doesn’t take life so seriously like you  3. AP drinks, likes to go out, snd is a very social person like you  4.  You are on the same intellectual level as the AP.  5. For you and the AP, each of you to the other is the one that got away - you were literally both meant to get married to each other. 

Does this ring true to you?  Again, who in the world says I know for a fact I’m going to get caught cheating, but I don’t expect or want to get divorced? The answer is a person who has an affair which is intended to be a wake call for the relationship, and send a clear message to their husband that things need to change around here.  In the end, after D day,  you expected that your ex husband would make the changes that you required in him and the marriage.  

The only other possibility is that this was an exit affair.  If it was, it had to be an unconscious thing because you clearly didn’t want the marriage to end.  However, an exit affair is still in the realm of possibility.

Unfortunately for you, your tactic of expecting to be caught triggering change in your husband’s behavior, and the marital dynamic, backfired. It’s obvious that you never expected that your husband would divorce you at the end of the day.  
 

DM5 - can you honestly say that none of what I say rings true?

I think you are assuming that I ended my relationship with my exbf right after he said no to marriage. This happened almost at the mid-phase of our relationship. I gave us time to grow and have a mutual need to move forward with the relationship. When things didn't work out, I ended it.  If my ex-bf was X, then husband being NOT X was never a problem. But I will agree, I thought I would manage him being gone most of the time but I kind of overestimated my capability to manage my emotions. Felt lonely most of the time. 

I think anyone who does something wrong, know that they would get caught someday. General thought. You never know the consequences. It can be lesser or hardest for you. As the culprit since you don't decide the consequences, you expect the lesser one. This doesn't necessarily mean that I intentionally started the affair knowing I would face lesser consequences. Also I didn't start the affair immediately once I started working together with  my ex-bf.

Really can't put a logical lens on my activities those few months. I was not strong enough to hold on to what was special with my husband. I let it slip and hence facing the consequences as they come. It has been pointed out to me(by a professional) that I am emotionally not disciplined enough to manage my emotions. I am more focused on short term emotional gains than long term results. Anyway it is a work in progress. 

 

 

 

[DKT3]

On 9/24/2020 at 7:12 PM, sandylee1 said:

Dude...you make some very interesting points. 

 

It doesn't make sense to say I knew I'd get caught, but yet not expect that would end in divorce. 

What did you expect his reaction to be? Honestly?

I'm not her, however, its more likely that she never actually thought about getting caught. Its really hard to comprehend that she knew she would get caught and did it anyway.  There may have come a point after it had been going on that it dawned on her that she would be caught.  

If i remember correctly,  her husband offered her an opportunity to be honest.  If she really thought she would be caught it doesn't make sense that she wouldn't take that opportunity to possibly gain some trust.  

No, I'm not sure I buy that. I may have to go back a read, but I seem to remember her being extremely arrogant and shortsighted when she first started posting here. 

I really felt for her as the realization set in, and she recognized that her marriage was likely over. It just didn't seem like someone who had put much thought into what if.

[Dude67]

DM5.  In your last update you posted, I believe in March, you said that you were together with your ex husband and his family for an Indian holiday.  You said that your husband asked you to accompany him into the kitchen to taste what he had cooked.

You ended that post by saying that your ex husband told you that he had something to discuss with you.  You kind of left us with the impression that you thought it would be about your relationship. Questions:

1. What did ur ex husband discuss with you?

2.  What is the current status of ur relationship with him? FWB, friends, etc.

3.  Are either of you seeing other people?

[Dude67]

One other question. Did you ever play out in your mind how you expected your ex husband to react if/when you were caught?  Did you expect him to forgive, divorce, or you never thought about that?

[usa1ah]

You know she has already answered most of these questions. All you have to do is go back and read her previous threads. 

Edited October 2, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

Hey DR5, how are you?

Are you still visiting with your MIL?

[Deepremorse5]

On 10/1/2020 at 5:45 PM, Dude67 said:

DM5.  In your last update you posted, I believe in March, you said that you were together with your ex husband and his family for an Indian holiday.  You said that your husband asked you to accompany him into the kitchen to taste what he had cooked.

You ended that post by saying that your ex husband told you that he had something to discuss with you.  You kind of left us with the impression that you thought it would be about your relationship. Questions:

1. What did ur ex husband discuss with you?

2.  What is the current status of ur relationship with him? FWB, friends, etc.

3.  Are either of you seeing other people?

 

2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Hey DR5, how are you?

Are you still visiting with your MIL?

I have not visited my MIL but she is doing great & recovering. Also, I didn't get a chance to have a f2f discussion with my H. Unfortunately, I lost two of my staff members to covid in last two months . As a small team, we are all kind of shaken up right now with the tragic losses. We are trying to support both families during these testing times. I speak with my husband regularly but we didn't meet in last 2 months as I  also tested positive for Covid in August & recovered in early September.  With regards to our conversation, it's just casual catch up calls regarding MIL & business few times a week. 

[usa1ah]

So glad to hear that you recovered.
 

Sorry about the loss of your coworkers. Best wishes and prayers for their families. 
 

We are still doing good. Family is healthy and I am still traveling all over the eastern part of US. 
 

Stay safe and great to still hear from you. 

[Deepremorse5]

On 10/3/2020 at 4:20 AM, usa1ah said:

So glad to hear that you recovered.
 

Sorry about the loss of your coworkers. Best wishes and prayers for their families. 
 

We are still doing good. Family is healthy and I am still traveling all over the eastern part of US. 
 

Stay safe and great to still hear from you. 

Good to hear that. I haven't left home since August.