New guy at our office

[NomiMalone]

We recently hired a new middle aged guy to fill a senior role. Right off the bat, he and I did not hit it off, because I find his actions controlling and intrusive even though he doesn’t mean to be at all. Below are things he’s done:

-Moved office furniture around.

-Put up a notice in the staff kitchen that plastic coffee cup lids from cafes are bad for the environment, suggesting we bring our own travel mugs to the cafe instead if we buy takeaway coffee. Once he asked another colleague to get him a coffee because she was already going to the cafe. She said yes, but declined when he asked her to take his travel mug with her. Another time, he saw an empty Coke bottle in our bin, and asked me if it was me who had thrown it out instead of recycling it. Last week, he told me our IT lady bought sushi that came in a disposable plastic box. 

-In his second week on the job, he asked a sales guy from a file shredding company to come and chat with us, even though we already have a company we use. He said he liked the other one better because it was the one they used at his former workplace. 

-Announced in a meeting exactly where I live and how long I’ve lived there for (I never told him, so he would’ve asked other staff.)

-I try to avoid getting stuck in a conversation with him because he often suggests changes we should make to the way we do things. I normally just say it’s best to ask management. He also asks me questions about my personal life I don’t want to answer, such as whether I’m single, or how many people I went out to lunch with. He’s very open about his own personal life and doesn’t understand others may not be.

-Brought in his own large fancy coffee machine and placed it in the kitchen beside our existing one, so now we have 2. (Ours doesn’t make cappuccinos but his does.)

-Does tasks that are part of my role, and sometimes loudly answers for me when someone else asks me questions. I think he genuinely means to be proactive and helpful, but doesn’t realise it makes me feel dumb. 

Neither our 2 bosses are the type to confront staff directly. One of my bosses approached me and outright told me that the new guy is “a very, very controlling man”, and all his demands to change things must be referred to management first. Our CEO came up to ask me why our kitchen was “turning into a cafe” with 2 coffee machines. I know this boss well enough to know that it was his way of saying he wanted the new guy’s coffee machine gone. 

I completely understand that the new guy is genuinely trying to be kind and helpful, but doesn’t realise he can come across as overstepping. It seems like he has this idea that everyone should be like him. E.g, he genuinely didn’t understand why our colleague didn’t want to take his travel mug to the cafe, or why I didn’t want to answer questions about my love life, just because he told me he’s single too. 

I get that he and I simply have clashing personalities. He is not going to change and neither am I. My question is - how do I find a way to peacefully coexist daily in the office with him? At the beginning, I tried to make small talk with him like we all do (it’s a very friendly, chilled office), and keep it to general topics and current affairs, but he would almost always try to turn the conversation into asking about my personal life.

I’ve found that I’ve stopped looking forward to going to work, and when I’m there I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight mode. I take the long way from the office kitchen to my desk now to bypass his desk. I think he’s noticed and I feel awful. He really isn’t a bad guy at all, just trying to be helpful.

If anyone who’s experienced similar conflict at work can offer any advice to deal with it, I’d love to hear from you. 

Edited March 11, 2020 by NomiMalone

[Mr. Lucky]

14 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Our CEO came up to ask me why our kitchen was “turning into a cafe” with 2 coffee machines. I know this boss well enough to know that it was his way of saying he wanted the new guy’s coffee machine gone. 

Unless you’re specifically in charge of the kitchen, this and several other things you’ve cited - furniture arrangement, recycling, coffee runs, etc. - aren’t your problem. 

Take a breath, step back and let Mr.”must have his way” chart his own destructive course.  Be pleasant when engaged, avoid gossip and/or drama and give this some time.  It will work itself out...

Mr. Lucky 
 

 

[NomiMalone]

@Mr. Lucky, thank you. That makes so much sense. It’s hard for me to see the situation clearly at the moment because it’s like this guy has single handedly ruined our normally nice, chilled working environment (for me). I just try to remind myself to come from a place of understanding, but it’s not easy.

I really hope it will work itself out. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by NomiMalone

[alphamale]

On 3/11/2020 at 11:20 PM, Mr. Lucky said:

Unless you’re specifically in charge of the kitchen, this and several other things you’ve cited - furniture arrangement, recycling, coffee runs, etc. - aren’t your problem. 

Take a breath, step back and let Mr.”must have his way” chart his own destructive course.  Be pleasant when engaged, avoid gossip and/or drama and give this some time.  It will work itself out...

Mr. Lucky 
 

 

^^this

[d0nnivain]

He's senior & the big bosses know about the issues.  Do nothing.  Let the people who are charged with decision making take action.  Do bring to their attention the fact that he disclosed your home situation to others without your consent. That should at least have him spoken to by management. 

[NomiMalone]

Thanks @donnivain The thing is I suspect it was our CEO who told the new guy where I live through general chit chat. He and new guy have professional connections that go decades back, and the two currently work closely together. The CEO telling the new guy would be no big deal as most of my colleagues know where I live anyway and vice versa, so it’s not like I can raise it with management. (Also the CEO is a bit of a gossip and has shared info with me about colleagues I felt should’ve been private (eg health conditions) so I’m guessing it was CEO who told new guy where I live.) 

I don’t mind other colleagues knowing where I live at all.... JUST NOT THE NEW GUY. He has since asked me for the exact apartment number. I just said, “it’s on the side where the pool is.” 

Last week, 2 colleagues and I went out for lunch, and new guy asked me where I was going. I said, “probs somewhere at the mall.” He said, “whereabouts in the mall?” I reluctantly told him which cafe because I didn’t want to be rude. He replied, “oh sounds nice.... oh I brought my lunch today,” as if I’d invited him, which I hadn’t. I feel really bad cos really he’s getting on my nerves through no fault of his own. But I hate dealing with this kind of thing on a daily basis literally. 

But I did bring it up with our other boss (the one who told me to refer the new guy’s “demands” onto management) that it wasn’t me who moved the furniture. I felt I had to clarify, because other staff thought it was me (I tidy up in the afternoons) which is mortifying. I also reported that the new guy once helped himself to my computer whilst I was at the photocopier, and actually asked me to unlock the screen saver for him (which I did not). 

Edited March 17, 2020 by NomiMalone

[preraph]

He sounds quite annoying. I do think you should not let up on management until they have taken him to task about having some boundaries and not preaching the people about his personal preferences. I would not like him horny and on my work and then taking credit for it by answering questions about it and I don't think that's innocent.