Not My First Rodeo

[andrem11]

On March 1st, my now ex-girlfriend (22F) and I (26M) saw each other for what I presume to be the last time. We had been dating for 1.75 yrs and officially a couple for 1.25.  She gave me vague reasons for the breakup including "no longer seeing a future with me" and a "loss of feelings".  The signs of the breakup had been there for a couple months at that point and following my devastating breakup with my previous girlfriend, I wasn't as blindsided this time around.  She began ghosting for days at a time during periods of conflict with no explanation, would become irritable when confronted about what she was doing, and would blow off plans with no explanation. Based on some independent research, I determined that she might have some kind of intimacy or attachment disorder.  I'm not really sure if attachment disorders are bulls*** or not, it's something i'm going to talk to my therapist about on Friday.  Back in the beginning of February I confronted her and told her that she needed to go to therapy or this relationship had no chance at working out based on how she was behaving.  She reluctantly agreed and said she thought what I said about her having commitment issues had merit, but over the next month never followed up. 

There were good days and there were bad days throughout February. Eventually she started fading on me. There was some suspicious activity between her and another guy on facebook, but she sent me screenshots of all their messages and their was honestly nothing going on between them.  She's a full time student in addition to working probably 35 hours a week so I doubt she has time to see multiple guys at once anyways (she was still spending time with me). After disappearing on me once again at the end of February, I confronted her about her recent behavior.  She eventually sent me a text message saying that she couldn't be in a relationship and wanted to breakup.  She said we could meet-up in person to talk about it if I wanted. She came over the following day and we spoke.  She seemed genuinely upset and cried, claiming she still loved be but was just feeling extremely overwhelmed by her feelings.  She said she didn't want it to be an open ended breakup because that wasn't fair to me, but if she went to therapy and her feelings changed, there was a possibility we could get back together. The last thing we said to each other in person was "I love you" and we hugged things out/she cried.  The following day she messaged me asking about how to reach out to a therapist and what she should say in her message.  That was the last time we spoke.

Since then I have been no contact with her.  I am treating it as if it's a legitimate breakup and she won't ever come back because chances are that she won't, even after talking to a therapist. Today is day 9.  Initially for the first week or so I felt a huge sense of relief.  This relationship which I felt I had put 80% of the effort into was over and I felt that she would one day realize her mistake of leaving someone who was very supportive of her, but not in an excessively clingy way. I think I was probably just in denial that it was over for that first week or so.  The past two or three days,  the longing has set in and I miss her very much. I'm no stranger to girls saying that they might be open to getting back together in the future, and I know how it typically plays out.  I have begun attempting to move on and even though it feels like i'm not making any progress, I know that every day not talking to her is progress even if it doesn't feel like it at all. My guess would be that she won't come back.  And even if she does come back, by the time she does i'm not sure if i'll want to be with her.  I really do feel like I was the one who did the majority of the emotional labor in our relationship.

That's not to say I was perfect.  Back in May I had a mental health crisis that I believe fundamentally changed the dynamics of the relationship. After getting too drunk one night, I thought I might have cheated on her, but was unable to confirm it.  A lot of my symptoms coincided with OCD, which I was diagnosed with, but for me that incident was traumatizing.  It caused me to quit drinking and also completely changed my demeanor.  It is something that even to this day (almost a year later) I still struggle to cope with from time to time.  I would say it was the death of my immature younger self and the birth of a new, mature man, who no longer wanted to live in a world where I didn't accept responsibility for my actions.  Between that point and the breakup we continued being in a relationship for 9 months, and we were looking at places to move into together at the end of September, so it's difficult to say whether that had any impact on this decision or not. 

Although I have had some urges to download online dating, I know that it's not going to help me out at all right now and that I might see her on there and that could potentially set me back.  I have decided I will give myself 3 months to improve myself before I start dating again. I plan on losing a bunch of weight and getting into really good shape, which was one of my hobbies following my previous breakup that I lost during this relationship. I am currently in between jobs right now, which makes it difficult to fill the time with meaningful activities.  I should be getting an offer from my next job any day now which I hope will significantly boost morale.  Ultimately, I feel down, but I know the only way forward is to keep attempting to improve myself and to maintain no contact.  I have deleted my facebook which was the only social media I had, and my will has been strong to not text her.  I stored away all our old text messages and photos on a computer app.  I don't know what the future will hold,  but right now the only thing I can focus on is me. I will admit that she is still using my netflix account, and I can see what shows she has been watching, which I had been checking.  I know it is not healthy for me to do so though and will ultimately either stop doing that, or change my netflix password so I don't have the ability even if I wanted to (I don't want to be petty right away though). 

I was reading through posts about my last breakup earlier, and I realized how helpful the community at loveshack is which is why I decided to make another post here today.  I know there are better things ahead even if it doesn't seem like it right now.  Although this breakup is much less taxing on me then the last one, it's still not easy. This time around I know what needs to be done to get over her.  I just feel upset and lonely I guess and am looking for a place to vent.  If any of you have any thoughts or advice on the situation, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.  Thanks! 

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time.  It's never fun, is it?  It does sound like it is over for good.  I'm glad you're talking to a therapist to help you through this.  Don't know if some of your problem might also be alcohol or substances, but it's always good to stop everything and see how that changes things and can make your life more within your own control.  

 

I would certainly hope you'd try to spend more time with friends and family so you don't feel so alone.  Maybe foster a pet or something.  Maybe do some volunteer work to give you an emotional purpose.  Just do things to keep busy and take care of yourself and it will get better.  

[andrem11]

@preraph 

I wouldn't say I have an alcohol problem - there are not cravings to go and drink for me, but I would say I am a problem drinker.  When I drink, I tend to do so to excess so it is best for me to just stay away from the stuff and I plan on doing so no matter where the future takes me. I don't want to relive my past mistakes. 

Many of my friends from the past breakup moved away to different cities/countries so unfortunately it will be a long process reestablishing a friend group again.  It will be even more difficult this time around finding people whose hobbies on weekends don't involve going to bars and getting drunk.  I travel a lot so unfortunately I won't be able to foster a pet as much as I would like to do so.  I do like you idea about volunteering though - it's something i've considered doing for a while and something my ex girlfriend and I spoke about doing, but never got around to it with her busy schedule.

I started playing Dungeons and Dragons with a group of coworkers and I think we'll end up meeting once every other week which I think is a good start. 

[Beendaredonedat]

Andrem:  You sound like an intelligent, mature young man that learns from his mistakes and knows how to most quickly get to the stage of indifference to someone so that they can be open in heart and mind enough to find a good partner for the long haul.

Take it one day at a time with the knowledge that when one door closes, another one opens.  Don't leave the Netflix password go unchanged for too long.  She needs the gift of being clear and independent of a relationship she didn't want to be in and that means no freebees from the ex and no avenune into which she can 'creep' you either.

I hope you feel better soon and I'm sure you will because you have a good attitude about this.  One you should be proud of, actually because it shows you as a man with a good sense of self and with honed personal boundaries.  Good qualities to have.

[scooby-philly]

Hey @andrem11 - I'm sorry for your pain and the current situation you find yourself in. I'm 38 (M) and split with my last ex (24, F) 6.5 months ago. Her choice, dumping me via IM and Text one day kinda, though not completely, out of the blue.

Quoting a few phrases and sentences from your post to share my experience and perspective and also, what others (especially on here) taught me about relationships:

On March 1st, my now ex-girlfriend (22F) and I (26M) saw each other for what I presume to be the last time.

• Early 20's for people today represents a time of great change and uncertainty. That's not to say everyone doesn't know who they are or what they want by 18 or 22 or 25. But even for a lot of "mature" people - the social pressure to explore, to try different things, to "date around", can impact their psyche and their choices. Regardless of her reasoning, once you get past a certain age - if they're invested in it deeply they wouldn't cut and run.
• Another thing to point out - healthy relationships depend on people communicating but also on sharing an intimate (emotional) bond. If she was having "second thoughts" or reconsidering the relationship (which she may have been for a while even before her behavior changed) - and she didn't open up to you, then she wasn't planting enough emotional support into your relationship. And that does not bode well for any relationship.
• Lastly - considering her age it's very worthwhile to consider her upbringing, family, and life experience. Not that those factors don't play a role at any age, but I feel that for younger women (of course, it applies to men but we're talking about you dating a woman) those factors play a crucial part in the long-term viability of a relationship. Was she given space to express emotions (especially negative ones) in her family? Was she the victim of emotional abuse, abandonment (real or threat), emotional hostage, etc., ? Was she encouraged and supported? Did she rebel in her teens? What's her self-esteem level? Did her parents have an emotionally healthy, mature, rooted, and loving relationship? I ask these things because for a lot of young women hit 20,22, 25 even and they're still not emotionally mature on the inside. They may say they're "mature", their external behavior may point to "maturity" - but underneath it all, they're like ducks in the water - the top looks calm, underneath, they're emotionally struggling to stay afloat. They don't know how to live their life w/o feeling judged, they don't know how to pursue what (and who) they want. And in many cases, they don't even know what they want. So keep those things in mind and use that exploration to help reaffirm that, as long as you were the best person you could be right now, then you're no more to blame for the failed relationship than she is at the end of the day.

We had been dating for 1.75 yrs and officially a couple for 1.25.  She gave me vague reasons for the breakup including "no longer seeing a future with me" and a "loss of feelings".  

• At any age, people can come up with a whole host of "excuses" - either because they're afraid to admit the truth or they don't even know what the truth in their heart is at this point. That's why that emotional intimacy is so important and why, typically, relationships formed before a certain age don't work out. Don't assume she's lying but don't go beating yourself up and don't break no contact trying to feed your mind/psyche in it's search for a "real reason". Accept her words at face value. It will deepen the darkness about to come. But it will also lead you to faster, more complete healing. Don't focus on what you could have done - focus on who you want to become.

The signs of the breakup had been there for a couple months at that point and following my devastating breakup with my previous girlfriend, I wasn't as blindsided this time around.  

• You describe later on how you started to address some of these signs. But to be honest, if you saw them coming before you addressed them you waited too long and, additionally, you did not do anything wrong in giving her a clear picture of the future. I know with my most recent ex, I told her several times that her behavior could eventually cause the relationship to end. I was just foolish in ignoring so many red flags (more on that later) and sticking around for as long as I did. 

She began ghosting for days at a time during periods of conflict with no explanation, would become irritable when confronted about what she was doing, and would blow off plans with no explanation.

• Those are signs of something off, and given what you describe with the overall relationship, point to no viability for the relationship. Moving forward, do not tolerate that sort of behavior at all and nip it in the bud quickly as soon as it happens. More to the point, this is a a good sign, despite the relationship ending, that you know and can get into a comfortable mode of communication. Meaning - you see so many people who spend countless relationships trying to change other people - how often they see each other, how much time they spend together, how much they talk throughout the day, etc. Sounds like you have a decent understanding of yourself and your needs. Keep reinforcing that as you heal and move forward.

I determined that she might have some kind of intimacy or attachment disorder.  I'm not really sure if attachment disorders are bulls*** or not, it's something i'm going to talk to my therapist about on Friday.  

• I don't like the word "disorder" when it comes to intimacy or attachment. That implies that there's some set "standard" when it comes to intimacy or attachment. The vast majority of literature on attachment refer to "styles". Sure, there's a "healthy" or "secure" as it's called, attachment style. But within that style there's millions of variations based on individual personalities and experiences. The other two styles - avoidance or anxious - have a pretty set/defined shape to them. There's a great book I've been using called "Attachment Styles" published in the last few years that makes it simple and easy to understand and also gives you tools to assess yourself and a loved one (or past relationship). Can't tell from what you shared where you or you ex fall. I know in working on myself now I have a semi-anxious attachment style, one I've been working for years on moving to "secure". My last ex was very anxoius and two ltrs before that were very avoidance based. With the most recent, no matter what I did to reassure her, comfort her, guide her, still living at home with her shame based and toxic family and carrying around a low self-esteem - nothing I could have done would have really helped in the long run - her or the relationship.
• Remember, at some point we all need to learn how we were shaped as children and young adults and then decide who we are and who we want to become and then do the "work" required to get there. She may, like my recent ex, not be ready to have those tough emotional conversations with herself. That's not a reflection on you. Just keep that in mind moving forward as you may continue to run into those type of people given your relative age.

Back in the beginning of February I confronted her and told her that she needed to go to therapy or this relationship had no chance at working out based on how she was behaving.  She reluctantly agreed and said she thought what I said about her having commitment issues had merit, but over the next month never followed up. 

• Two lessons for you here. One, you have to do it WITH her. Two if you both "agreed" to the problem and potential solution but did not stick to it - her fears of confronting herself far outweighed her fears of losing you.

There was some suspicious activity between her and another guy on facebook, but she sent me screenshots of all their messages and their was honestly nothing going on between them.  She's a full time student in addition to working probably 35 hours a week so I doubt she has time to see multiple guys at once anyways (she was still spending time with me).

• Mentioning for future reference - there are apps out there to edit screenshots, create fake messages, you can delete messages or specific messages in a thread on certain apps/platforms. So don't take any offers of that stuff as firm proof. But, the other important thing to watch out - just because she did not (in all probability) cheat on you physically, she may have cheated on you emotionally and more to the point, as you described the situation as a whole - she wasn't emotionally invested in you and the relationship to the point of wanting to work on things WITH you still together. Partners should be best friends and do that sort of thing together - and want and feel safe enough - to do that together.

 She eventually sent me a text message saying that she couldn't be in a relationship and wanted to breakup. 

• If she happens to jump into another relationship quickly, do not assume it's a sign she was or wanted to cheat. (Not saying it couldn't be, but you'd need to play detective and that's not what you're going to do now OP...cause you're moving on and forward). Keep in mind that people can say x and it's all bulls***. She could jump into another relationship today, next week, or in April because she's using the new relationship as an emotional crutch. So if you do catch wind (from someone telling you OP, not from you snooping or breaking NC with her) that she's seeing someone else or even just sleeping around - remember, she's more than likely emotionally a wreck and not healthy enough to confront things maturely. That's why smart people always say - especially after a year or two or more, you need space and time before dating again!

She seemed genuinely upset and cried, claiming she still loved be but was just feeling extremely overwhelmed by her feelings.  

• Don't discount her words. That's one lesson my buddy here @Beachead - needed to remind me of a few times. It's just her ability to love at this point in her life isn't grown as much as yours. And she's got to chose what to do and who to invest in. It sucks that it's not you, but it's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on her.

She said she didn't want it to be an open ended breakup because that wasn't fair to me, but if she went to therapy and her feelings changed, there was a possibility we could get back together. 

• That's probably her just trying to be nice and let you down easy (the last part). The first part - what would really be fair to you is the courage to face what she needs to face and grow and plant that emotional root system with you. Or to own up to not being ready for a relationship a year ago. But if she didn't have much dating experience prior to you...then it's part of her life growth. If you find yourself ready for something mature, lasting and emotionally healthy - don't settle for anything less.

This relationship which I felt I had put 80% of the effort into was over and I felt that she would one day realize her mistake of leaving someone who was very supportive of her, but not in an excessively clingy way. I think I was probably just in denial that it was over for that first week or so.  I really do feel like I was the one who did the majority of the emotional labor in our relationship.

That's not to say I was perfect.  Back in May I had a mental health crisis that I believe fundamentally changed the dynamics of the relationship. r, so it's difficult to say whether that had any impact on this decision or not. 

• Don't assume you could have done anything different. You are who you are right now in life. In 5 years you'll be 20% different. 5 years later, 20% different from that. Couples that last 20,30,40, 60 years - plant a root system so deep that they can both grow, explore, and experience life and still remain bound together. That's why the first relationship or two or three don't work out for most people - it's trial and error. 
• You recognize you have some problem, you know what they are, and your changing your life and actions accordingly. That's powerful. If you are seeing or will see a counselor - the work to do is not to focus on the behavior, but on the emotions that trigger the behavior. 

Although I have had some urges to download online dating, I know that it's not going to help me out at all right now and that I might see her on there and that could potentially set me back.

• Another reason to block her, remove photos and memories, etc.
• And...you're right. And you're wrong. If you go back online just be honest with yourself and the women you meet. A rebound fling can be very helpful....BUT....it's also okay to not date for a while. The important thing is to embrace the emotions as they come and to understand what they're trying to tell you.

I have decided I will give myself 3 months to improve myself before I start dating again.

• Goals are a game of Russian roulette. Don't give yourself a mental handicap or potential blocker by saying "I won't date for 3 months". Say "I will spend the next 3 months doing x,y,z". Break those things down into small, discrete, achievable tasks that lead to those goals. And then say "I will reevaluate every week and every month how I am trending versus those goals". That way, if something good (and Hot  ) comes along in 2 months you don't miss out and similarly if 3 months comes along and you force yourself to start dating but aren't ready for it, you don't potentially hurt your ego or emotionally hostage yourself cause you think you should be doing x,y,z at a specific point in time.

I plan on losing a bunch of weight and getting into really good shape, which was one of my hobbies following my previous breakup that I lost during this relationship.

• One thing I would bet my life savings on, and I'm not a gambler at all, is that we find the "love our life" when we're ready to be our complete selves and also not lose ourselves when we get into a relationship. What I mean, for example, I'm an outdoorsy guy. In the last relationship she was not experienced in the outdoors and was still too "instagram" focused to get dirty. Now, I do appreciate a woman who can dress up and look good...but I need someone who likes "playing in the mud" so to speak. So the fact that I stopped camping, hiking regularly, etc. to help keep the relationship alive (especially as it was long-distance) means that while I was completely myself and open and vulnerable, I sacrificed something important to me for no reason. Any relationship requires sacrifice from both partners. But for specific reasons and for everything you sacrifice on, you should get something back (not in a tit-for-tat kind of way. Yeah, if I was sacrificing the outdoorsy stuff because we had a sick child or a sick parent, or because we couldn't afford it, etc. that's one thing. But to sacrifice it simply because she didn't want to and because we only saw each other once, maybe twice a week once a month, then it wasn't worth the sacrifice on my part. That's why it's so important to know who you are, what you need, and what doesn't matter to you in life, in a relationship, in a partner. But you only learn that through trial and error unfortunately.

Ultimately, I feel down, but I know the only way forward is to keep attempting to improve myself and to maintain no contact.  

• Yes on #1. HELL YES on point #2. BUT.....do not block the emotions. Recovery's main process lies in letting the emotions come out and do their thing. So do not use any desires or goals as a blocker. Not saying you need to let yourself cry in front of people at work lol. But if you cry in the bathroom at work, in your car on the drive home, in your shower, if you scream when you get angry, if you write nasty emails and send them to yourself (not to her OP, not to her)...do it! Let the emotions in and let them teach you.

I have deleted my facebook which was the only social media I had, and my will has been strong to not text her. 

• The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. Delete her number if you haven't and play some mind games to forget her # by heart.

I know it is not healthy for me to do so though and will ultimately either stop doing that, or change my netflix password so I don't have the ability even if I wanted to (I don't want to be petty right away though). 

• You're not dating her any more. There's no expectation of you continuing to give her stuff and it is, as you already pointed out, an easy way for you to cheat on NC and snoop on her in some way. Change your password and if she reaches out and complains, politely and quickly say "I'm sorry, since we are no longer dating I've changed my password so I do not break contact by tracking your viewing habits and I'm paying for this service"

I was reading through posts about my last breakup earlier, and I realized how helpful the community at loveshack is which is why I decided to make another post here today.  I know there are better things ahead even if it doesn't seem like it right now.  

• Yes - better times ahead. But focus on the present. Don't run from the emotions as I shared several times, and do not belittle yourself for whatever emotions arise and whatever they make you do (within reason of course).

Although this breakup is much less taxing on me then the last one, it's still not easy. This time around I know what needs to be done to get over her.  I just feel upset and lonely I guess and am looking for a place to vent.  If any of you have any thoughts or advice on the situation, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.  Thanks! 

• That's why this forum exists. 
• Overall, if you're anything like me, just realize your self-worth, next time around do not settle and about 2-3 months into the relationship take a step back and let people on here, your friends and family you trust and can be vulnerable with, help you analyze the prospects.