LDR early dating- I feel he's going too fast?

[babybrowns]

I met a guy earlier this year via an online dating site. We live a 3-hour drive away from each other. So far we have met twice, about once every 4 weeks for an evening together each time. The infrequency is largely due to his job being very demanding. We have been texting a lot though which has helped our connection to grow. We have our 3rd date planned for next weekend, he's coming to my town for the day (I went to his town last time).

Something that concerns me is that, I feel he is moving a lot faster than me. At present I'm not too sure how I feel about him. I like him enough to see him a 3rd time, but I feel he is a lot more 'into it' than I am at present. He's being very flirty over text and proposing plans for the summer and things like that, he is making his interest in me very clear. I'm just not at the same stage as him yet and I have tried telling him this nicely in different ways.

I sometimes jokingly say 'haha remember we have only met twice so far', to which he responds 'haha you keep saying that'. I have tried saying to him that I need to meet with someone a few times before really knowing how I feel about things, but he's not really taking my feelings that seriously and tends to almost ignore these texts- whilst jumping to reply to everything else.

He doesn't realise that the pressure he is putting me under, knowing how hopeful/expectant he is, is ruining things and not giving me the space I need to gage how I really feel about him. It is not letting our connection grow organically and is even pushing me away, worried I might lead him on too much with something I say/do. I don't even know if I will want a 4th date, depends on how I feel on this 3rd date. I am wondering what to do, how to act, in the nicest possible way whilst making him hold back a bit?

Many thanks for your advice

Edited March 11, 2020 by babybrowns

[Beendaredonedat]

"To make him hold back a bit."  Maybe you ought to be a little slower in responding to him and do your best to stop thinking you're actually getting to know one another through superficial texting. 

Why did you agree to a date with him when he lives so far away?  If it was through online dating I wonder if you are ready for anything serious with anyone when you have accepted a date with someone actually too far away to nurture a true one-on-one relationship of commitment.  I don't mean to offend with that statement, Just something to think about.

Personal question:  Have you been having sex with him on those two dates?

FWIW:  Talking about what you'll be doing together in the summer after just two dates?  Well words without actions are just words. 

Edited March 11, 2020 by Beendaredonedat
reworded a question.

[babybrowns]

Just now, Beendaredonedat said:

"To make him hold back a bit."  Maybe you ought to be a little slower in responding to him and do your best to stop thinking you're actually getting to know one another through superficial texting. 

How did you meet when you live so far away?  

Personal question:  Have you been having sex with him on those two dates?

I have not even kissed him yet.

The texting is making him feel that he has "known me for far longer than just 2 dates" as he said, but I am someone that needs to get to know someone in person.

Yes we met through online dating, my last relationship was also LDR but a much farther distance apart. We made it work for 3 years, meeting once every 3 weeks. This guy just has a very demanding work schedule.

[Beendaredonedat]

When you are in long distance relationships you are basically in a perpetual honeymoon stage due to always yearning to be with the person that is too far away to get to really know.  Meeting once every 3 weeks in a three year long, long distance relationship is a much shorter time than being in a relationship where you see each other every three days or every day.

Anyway, teach him that you're not as into him as he is acting that he is into you.  Don't always be responding right away, don't entertain the flirts, be more indifferent.  Is about all I can suggest since direct communication is lost on him.  That's the trouble with texting,  too much is lost in translation IMO.

As always, to each their own and I hope you can get him to 'see' where you're coming from.

 

 

[rjc149]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He doesn't realise that the pressure he is putting me under, knowing how hopeful/expectant he is, is ruining things and not giving me the space I need to gage how I really feel about him. It is not letting our connection grow organically and is even pushing me away

This should be in a textbook on female emotions when dating. The more he closes in, smothers, clings, and tries to lock you down, the further you instinctively want to run.

"I'm not sure how I feel yet" or "I feel like this is going too fast" or "I need space" is womanspeak for "your needy/smothering/controlling behavior is highly unattractive and I have lost interest." If you will forgive my mansplaining.

You haven't even kissed yet, let alone had sex. His current neediness is the tip of the iceberg. If you go down this rabbit hole with him, you'll see what I mean. He will light you up. 

You have a convenient exit of this being a long distance proposition. You can easily nip this in the bud if the 3rd date isn't appealing anymore. Kindly but firmly explain that you are not willing to do an LDR, which is a 100% reasonable and prudent position to take.

 

[manfrombelow2]

The male over-pursued the female, thus making her feel pressured, trapped, overwhelmed and eventually lose all attractions she had for him (if she ever had any) and want to escape.

I mean how many times have we heard a classic story like this? 

 

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by thaygiaogiang

[manfrombelow2]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I have not even kissed him yet.

The texting is making him feel that he has "known me for far longer than just 2 dates" as he said, but I am someone that needs to get to know someone in person.

Yes we met through online dating, my last relationship was also LDR but a much farther distance apart. We made it work for 3 years, meeting once every 3 weeks. This guy just has a very demanding work schedule.

You know, the "correct formula" of dating is that if - for whatever reasons - you don't have sex by the latest 3rd date, everything is basically over. 

In your case, you have met twice but didn't even kiss? Massive red flag. This communicated that the leading role aka the guy in this so-called relationship simple didn't have any clues on how to seduce the female aka you properly. And by "seduce" I mean the process of building up the sexual and romantic chemistry between the both of you gradually to the point that you two end up having sex.

So in your case, it's normal that you lost attraction for him. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

How frequently are you two communicating by text throughout the day, OP? Do you always respond right away?

If you are still interested in seeing what potential this has, I would try pumping the brakes that way first, and slow down the texting. See how he responds. 

Also, should it come up again, I would not try to couch your hesitation as joke. For example: "I sometimes jokingly say 'haha remember we have only met twice so far'" I would cut the "haha", and simply say, "As we have only met twice, let's see where it goes first." This is someone who isn't taking it seriously, because you don't sound all that serious. I get that many would read between the lines there and understand what you're really trying to say, but he's not one of them. 

If he continues to push, and you genuinely don't have any interest in getting to know him further, be kind but firm that you don't feel a connection and would be best to leave it. 

[Beendaredonedat]

.... yes and really do some self reflection to figure out why you are finding long distance relationships so intriguing.  I still think there is some sort of fear of commitment going on within.

[Fletch Lives]

One of the biggest problems with dating is men moving too fast.

[manfrombelow2]

40 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

One of the biggest problems with dating is men moving too fast.

They are men who are needy, clingy and are not centered and not in their masculine core. They tend to get desperate and try to "lock" the woman down into a relationship. They want to "force" things as if they are scared if they don't do that, another guy can jump in the scene to grab their woman away.

 

[babybrowns]

18 hours ago, rjc149 said:

This should be in a textbook on female emotions when dating. The more he closes in, smothers, clings, and tries to lock you down, the further you instinctively want to run.

"I'm not sure how I feel yet" or "I feel like this is going too fast" or "I need space" is womanspeak for "your needy/smothering/controlling behavior is highly unattractive and I have lost interest." If you will forgive my mansplaining.

You haven't even kissed yet, let alone had sex. His current neediness is the tip of the iceberg. If you go down this rabbit hole with him, you'll see what I mean. He will light you up. 

You have a convenient exit of this being a long distance proposition. You can easily nip this in the bud if the 3rd date isn't appealing anymore. Kindly but firmly explain that you are not willing to do an LDR, which is a 100% reasonable and prudent position to take.

 

This is such a great post, thank you. Yes I also had asked him whether the 4-week gap would be standard if we were to proceed beyond this next date, it is a little offputting especially at the early stage when you are trying to get to know someone.

His reply was that, a 4-week gap would not really be the norm but his job is very demanding and “if we were to get serious, one of us would have to move as he’s sure I can appreciate, since distance does not work long term”

Edited March 12, 2020 by babybrowns

[babybrowns]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How frequently are you two communicating by text throughout the day, OP? Do you always respond right away?

If you are still interested in seeing what potential this has, I would try pumping the brakes that way first, and slow down the texting. See how he responds. 

Also, should it come up again, I would not try to couch your hesitation as joke. For example: "I sometimes jokingly say 'haha remember we have only met twice so far'" I would cut the "haha", and simply say, "As we have only met twice, let's see where it goes first." This is someone who isn't taking it seriously, because you don't sound all that serious. I get that many would read between the lines there and understand what you're really trying to say, but he's not one of them. 

If he continues to push, and you genuinely don't have any interest in getting to know him further, be kind but firm that you don't feel a connection and would be best to leave it. 

Thanks very much. Yes I’ll try and delay the responses a bit, he does send me sweet texts though. But yes I need to make sure I am not leading him on too much so that he doesn’t come to the 3rd date expecting a kiss at the end when I’m still not sure 

[rjc149]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

His reply was that, a 4-week gap would not really be the norm but his job is very demanding and “if we were to get serious, one of us would have to move as he’s sure I can appreciate, since distance does not work long term”

You haven't even kissed yet, not even a 3rd date, and he's already talking about moving to be closer to you... 

 

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Yes I’ll try and delay the responses a bit, he does send me sweet texts though. But yes I need to make sure I am not leading him on too much so that he doesn’t come to the 3rd date expecting a kiss at the end when I’m still not sure 

I can assure you, if he makes the trip to visit you and you deny his advances, the sweetie-pie front will turn 180 on you.  

Here's a good way to flush him out -- wait 6 hours to reply to a text from him. 24 hours sends a clear "I'm not interested in communicating with you" message, as there is no good excuse for it these days (no one's dead phone goes uncharged for that long), but there are plenty of credible excuses under a 6 hour time window (took a nap, left the phone somewhere, crazy with work and didn't see the text until now, etc) 

See how he reacts to the 6 hours of silence. If you get needy follow-up texts that get progressively more and more antagonistic, you can be sure about this guy.

[manfrombelow2]

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks very much. Yes I’ll try and delay the responses a bit, he does send me sweet texts though. But yes I need to make sure I am not leading him on too much so that he doesn’t come to the 3rd date expecting a kiss at the end when I’m still not sure 

Just ghost him, which means from now on, you wait forever to reply to his texts. When he calls, don't pick up. Deny any request to meet from him because it might get dangerous for you.

In short: Just slowly disappear from his life without any explanations, like a ghost, hence "ghosting". I'm sure women are naturally and instinctively good at this.

Edited March 13, 2020 by thaygiaogiang

[babybrowns]

4 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said:

Just ghost him, which means from now on, you wait forever to reply to his texts. When he calls, don't pick up. Deny any request to meet from him because it might get dangerous for you.

In short: Just slowly disappear from his life without any explanations, like a ghost, hence "ghosting". I'm sure women are naturally and instinctively good at this.

I do not believe in ghosting, it is a very nasty thing to do to someone especially if they don’t deserve it. This guy is respectful enough to listen if I tell him in person that I’m not sure about things.

[manfrombelow2]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do not believe in ghosting, it is a very nasty thing to do to someone especially if they don’t deserve it. This guy is respectful enough to listen if I tell him in person that I’m not sure about things.

I appreciate how nice of a person you are, but like I said previously, you don't actually owe him a "last meet in person". 

Desperate, needy and clingy guys tend to get emotional negatively in such occasions, and given guys' natural physical advantage, it could pose a threat to your well-being.

I don't recommend you "tell him in person". Just send him a text saying you guys don't click and block him for good. That's my advice. And I'm a guy. 

[babybrowns]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your help with this thread. A bit of a shocking update- now the tables have turned. 

A few days before our 3rd date was due, he started distancing himself from me, ignoring my messages and then finally cancelled the date. This was after me being patient for 4 weeks since the last date (time gaps due to his demanding job) looking forward to seeing him. And what happens when I express how I feel, he leaves my messages ‘unread’.

After flirting with me intensely for months, leading me on, how quickly he disappeared just before the anticipated 3rd date, is very upsetting.

Edited March 19, 2020 by babybrowns

[manfrombelow2]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your help with this thread. A bit of a shocking update- now the tables have turned. 
 

A few days before our 3rd date was due, he started distancing himself from me, ignoring my messages and then finally cancelled the date. This was after me being patient for 4 weeks since the last date (his demanding job makes the big time gaps), looking forward to seeing him. And what happens when I express how I feel, he leaves my messages ‘unread’.
 

After flirting with me intensely for months, leading me on, how quickly he disappeared just before the anticipated 3rd date, is very upsetting.

That's quite a reverse.

So he ghosted you. And by ghosting you, he actually did you a favour.

I guess he's a lurker on Loveshack and that he saw this thread.

[rjc149]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your help with this thread. A bit of a shocking update- now the tables have turned. 

A few days before our 3rd date was due, he started distancing himself from me, ignoring my messages and then finally cancelled the date. This was after me being patient for 4 weeks since the last date (time gaps due to his demanding job) looking forward to seeing him. And what happens when I express how I feel, he leaves my messages ‘unread’.

After flirting with me intensely for months, leading me on, how quickly he disappeared just before the anticipated 3rd date, is very upsetting.

Yep. When he chases, you lose interest, but when he pulls away, you're interested again. This is the dynamic of sexual tension. Like a rope. Slack kills the attraction. 

So, he's either been reading up on player game, and knows that abruptly withdrawing validation from a woman will ding her ego and result in her renewed, heightened interest in him, in which case you'll probably hear from him again soon, 

or, 

he's found someone else to lovebomb.

[ExpatInItaly]

What was his reason for canceling, OP?

[Mystery4u]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all your help with this thread. A bit of a shocking update- now the tables have turned. 

A few days before our 3rd date was due, he started distancing himself from me, ignoring my messages and then finally cancelled the date. This was after me being patient for 4 weeks since the last date (time gaps due to his demanding job) looking forward to seeing him. And what happens when I express how I feel, he leaves my messages ‘unread’.

After flirting with me intensely for months, leading me on, how quickly he disappeared just before the anticipated 3rd date, is very upsetting.

He's met/dating someone else.

[Fletch Lives]

I just read the opening post again. You were dating him for at least two months and you were not ready for a kiss? I don't think you really liked him much.

[Saracena]

5 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

He's met/dating someone else.

Yes. And of course the long-distance aspect no doubt, played a part as well.

Sorry about this BB, you did nothing wrong but next time choosing someone nearer home might be far better. And well done on your stance on ghosting!

[basil67]

Three hours apart, met twice in two months.  Yes, of course it ended.   Please don't waste your time on LDRs