I feel lost

[SarahConnor]

I don't know if this is the correct forum to post to, and if it isn't,  please let me know where I should go.

I am married to my husband of 12 years,  we have 2 kids together. 

I met him when he was 15, I was 14. We started dating seriously when we were 17/16.

I learned about his crossdressing slowly. I found out that he enjoyed wearing panties. I was a little surprised,  but ok with it, and it was included in our sex life. 

He revealed more feminine sides of himself, as time went on, but nothing "extreme".

I asked him once, before we got married,  if he was gay. (I now understand that most crossdresser aren't.) He assured me he was straight. 

After marriage,  the crossdressing escalated. He got into the "pink fog" I guess. He started wearing lingerie and full outfits sometimes. 

A handful of times I helped him dress up, did his makeup,  nails, he put a wig and heels. I taped him dancing to music etc. I wanted to badly to accept him for who he is. But the truth is I felt sick to my stomach. Like I didn't even know who he was. And fundamentally turned off.

Things continued to escalate sexually. Wearing panties during sex wasn't so bad. But what was, was the boredom on his face unless we were including his crossdressing or feminine persona.

Unless I was on top, with his legs spread,  and me grinding on him, taking dirty referring to him as a girl,  he just wouldn't be into it. 

Beyond being a complete turn off for me, and having to "muscle" through it. It also hurt. I wanted to be desired during sex, as a woman. And not just used as a prop for his identity fantasy. 

I should have said something more....but I wanted to be accepting....I wanted to make him happy. And I'm not good at setting sexual boundaries,  partly due to being abused as a child. I think some of these experiences triggered past trauma as well.

The feeling of being a prop intensified when pegging was introduced....especially watching him get so much enjoyment out of performing fellacio on a literal prop, that wasn't even really part of me. It made me feel sick. And completely inadequate. 

I would cry afterward sometimes. He has admitted now that he knew this at the time. And just didn't want to face it.

A couple years ago I left him for about 4 months. During that time he purged everything. And said he was done. (I know better than that, I know it can't be wished away)

After getting beck together,  over the last coupe of years,  it's been creeping back in. Cause I want to say yes...I want accept him for him....but then it strikes a nerve again,  and I backtrack,  which isn't fair to him either. 

We've kept it separate from sex. But I feel like I'm just not attracted to him at all.... And maybe it's all the femininity? I'm naturally attracted,  very strongly,  to masculinity, and though he tries, that just isn't him. Having sex with him feels like going through the motions,  which I'm sure he can sense. And I'm sure that hurts.

In the past he swore up and down that he couldn't possibly be attracted to men, which he now admits that he was fooling himself,  and is in fact bi. He also tells me that he doesn't feel that he's transgender (and even if he was I don't think he'd dare to transition --his family and many of his friends are not the accepting kind). But he spends a lot of his spare time looking at transgender before and afters.  Maybe just to "get a fix", ya know? But I worry about what else he is fooling himself about. It's what he mostly talks about. He sends me memes about it all day....has he not noticed that I don't respond?

He said to me today that he thinks his sex drive is higher than mine. He has no idea....how incredibly sexually repressed I feel. How often I look at porn when he's gone.  I told him that the stuff he sends me turns me off. He looked like that hurt him. And he didn't say anything else....

I don't want to be the wife that doesn't even let her CDing husband talk to her about it. But everytime he does lately....I start crying. I have feelings of resentment. 

I find myself looking at other men a lot. I feel trapped,  and incredibly lonely. These feelings add massive guilt on top of it all.

I fantasize about divorce,  and it makes me feel like a s***ty person. He's a good husband otherwise. He's a fantastic father. I love him in so many ways....but not sexually. 

I simply don't know where to go from here. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cheat, or leave for another guy that I barely know. I don't want to hurt my kids....But I feel like I can't go on like this. 

I read a story today about a young gay man,  who was raised in Mormonism,  finely being able to be attracted to who he was naturally attracted to, without guilt. This made me burst into uncontrollable sobs. I feel like it's all coming to a head.

Thanks for the long read. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

[UniverseInMe]

Look, I know it's easier said than done, trust me, but from an outsider's perspective you two are clearly on opposite ends. You want one thing and he clearly wants the opposite.

Judging by what you wrote, unfortunately, your relationship is doomed. Why don't you two split amicably and go get what your truly want. Life is too short.

I apologize if I'm too blunt but it's just sad to see you and your husband suffer like this. And to make matters worse your children are stuck in the middle of this mess. They deserve better.

Life is hard, real hard. Pain and suffering is a big part of our life that will never go away until the day we die and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it, so accept that this relationship must come to an end and just get on with it. Begin the process to move on. Yes, it'll be incredibly hard and very, very scary, but again, this is life.

I do honestly wish you, your husband and especially your children the very best. Please do the right thing here. Be strong.

[Blind-Sided]

The problem is... he's pushed to an extreme female persona... and like you said... you feel like a prop in a very kinky (non-standard) level of his imagination.  I know you left, and it kind of stopped... but the reality is... someone with that much drive to not just cross-dress, but to also add that into bedroom... it's just gong to get more in-depth for him... and more upsetting to you. I'm sure have seen it already... it's like a drug user looking for a better "High"... he will continue to get more kinky to make her persona feel more real.  Eventually, it will lead to new partners, or him coming out of the closet.

I'm recently divorced, and I don't want to see anyone else in this worked have to go through that... especially when there are goo things to that partner. (like being a good father) But as said above in the previous post... you are not on the same level with this. You never will be... and you will just get deeper into that resentment until you get to a point where the divorce will be ugly.  Right now... you have grounds to just go to the courts and have it granted. 

With that said... talk with your H and tell him that you don't want to change him, but you can't live like this any longer.  Then try to work out the details on separating finances, custody, and separation of equity.

I wish you luck in moving forward.

[stillafool]

There is no way you can go on living your life the way you do.  It's not fair nor what you signed up for when you married him.  I couldn't do it for one minute because I too am attracted to masculine men.  I know you don't want to hurt your kids through divorce but I'm sure when they are old enough to understand what their Dad wanted from you sexually, they will more than understand.  Even if you divorce it doesn't mean that the kids will lose their Dad as you two will probably get joint custody.  Now is the time to find your courage and tell him exactly how you feel about having sex with him.  He has no problem telling you what he wants and expecting you to do sexual things that disgust you so open your mouth and tell him you will no longer engage in sexual activity with him.  If he now admits he's bi he may be out there giving oral to men behind your back subjecting you to God knows what.  You need to protect your health and mind and not have sex with him anymore.  He probably doesn't want to let you go because it would be hard to find another beard (a woman who will put up with this) while he pretends to be a hetero husband.  You deserve better and this will eat you alive if you stay.

[mark clemson]

I make no assumptions about him stepping out on you (+ plenty of cis/hetero partners seem all too happy to do that - you may actually be better off with him). However, you sound extremely unhappy. The truth, IMO, is that both partners deserve to have their needs met in a marriage. In many marriages that tends to mean better communication, or that the partners change their behaviors. But this isn't a communication issue or something he can realistically change. You've been much more than fair in attempting to roll with this (and him in attempting to accommodate you in return by stopping). But he is what he is , and you know what he is - if you can't deal with it, you can't deal with it.

[spiderowl]

You are concerned about accepting him as he is, yet you don’t expect the same in return.  Is he trying to please you, to be the heterosexual male you really want? No, he is pleasing himself and you are playing a part, not being yourself. Your feelings matter too. 
 

I agree with others than separation is the only way for you to move forward and be true to yourself. He is not going to change. He needs these fetishes. Why not separate, let him find what he needs and give yourself the freedom to find what you need. You are both on different tracks.

Edited March 14, 2020 by spiderowl

[smackie9]

First off you have a voice and a brain. You could have discussed this with him in depth, told him no and even walk away. Learn that if you want change, you have to step up and be heard. Most likely your past abuse has prevented you from speaking your mind and to get out of a situation you didn’t like. My advice is to ask for a divorce and get yourself into therapy....then hit the reset button and live a life that you want to live. 

[preraph]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  I had an old friend who was basically like this (I was only friends, but he talked to me about it and dressed up like me sometimes just to show me how he looked).  He was into women, not men, last I checked.  I don't think he would have had any hangups about being gay or bi if he was.  Anyway, he didn't feel sexy unless dressed up as a woman.  It is very limiting to them to find any willing partners for that, so don't feel like you have failed or anything.  I mean, it's a very small group of women who would be down for that.  For example, I would have, in my youth, been down for them in clothes and makeup, but not with pretending they were a woman on a consistent basis, night after night.   I mean, fine once in awhile, even fun, but I don't wake up every day feeling manly.  And that's me being open to it.  Even then, not a steady diet of it.  So don't feel bad.  You have been very understanding.  

 

I don't know what you do going forward.  I mean, if he's out in the world as a bi guy who doesn't cross-dress, then he has lots of options, but it sounds like the cross-dressing is his core.  Certainly there are clubs he could go to to find casual sex like that and maybe find a crowd to run with.   But you certainly don't want him bringing people over to your home.  Men place such a high priority on sex that he's probably going to have to explore being bi at some point, so I think you need to talk to him about it more and instead of pouring feelings out, just ask him, What do you plan to do about this going forward?  And let him know you really are not getting your sexual needs met.  I mean, also, LET him be bored when he's having to do you the way you prefer.  Because I mean, you're repulsed by doing him these sexual favors, so it's only fair, but it's a problem and it's not one with an easy solution.  So you might let him know, look I hate that you're bored having sex with me the way I need it, but I'm well past bored having sex with you the way you like it. 

 

I don't know that I'd throw him out, but it might be time to terminate the sex.  It's something you have to consider though.  Like would you rather go without sex and let him find it elsewhere, or would you feel you have to go find another man?  Because if it's the latter, then I guess the answer is divorce because it's too messy all happening under the same roof.  He might be able to find on they fly sex encounters and be happy with that and not bring it home, but you would likely want a real boyfriend, right?  

 

It's a lot to have to deal with.  I sympathize.  I'm glad you can communicate with him.  I think before you do, think about if you could handle divorce or what I talked about in that last paragraph, putting up with him going out more, which it's possible he might already be doing, by the way.  And if so, I would stop having dressy sex with him and just tell him that.  I don't know that it would be safe to keep having sex with him if he is getting it elsewhere because it's likely to be a lot of one-time things.  It could be risky disease-wise.  

 

Divorce isn't the end of him being the father to your kids, but you would have to be sure he's responsible when he has them (give him joint custody so you have time to work and rest and be social because he's a good father and that's the norm now in the courts).  You both get a break from the kids for a social life or work or relaxation.  But don't let him do less than 50/50 or you've still got the bad end of the deal.  You'd have to have some conditions from the court, agreements, how long before you would both bring someone you're seeing into the home, like six months, for example, because you don't want to model this for your kids and you have to protect them from strangers.  But if you think he'd be responsible and take good care of them and not mix them up with his sex partners, it might be the answer.  Good luck.  Please keep us posted.