So many tears

[Confused998]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Please be kind. 

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids. My husband and I have our issues, but we're still together and working hard at maintaining a positive environment for our kids to grow up in.

Last year I met AP through work. I'll spare you the details but you can probably guess - mutual attraction from the start, tried to stay away, all of a sudden it happened and it felt so natural, and so on and so forth. When AP and I met 6 months ago, he'd just found out his wife was pregnant with their first child. I tried to end it on the night it started because of that very reason, yet here we are....

He has maintained throughout our 'relationship' that he has never loved her, never even told her he loves her. They had been together since high school and were 'so attached to each other and used to being around one another,' they don't fight, but they aren't in love. He didn't propose to her, instead she decided they would get a married and went ahead and set a date (this I know to be true, his wife told me herself). From what I can gather, the same sort of thing happened when it came to having a baby. 

He treats me like no-one ever has before. He prioritised me above every thing else - including her. If he had it his way he would see me every single day, it's me that was pushing back and telling him to slow down. There's been a couple of occasions in the evening when he's been at home where I've wanted to talk to him, he's always gone out of his way to make sure we can. On special days, birthdays, xmas, he makes sure he makes time to talk to me even though we cant be together. Hes made an effort with my kids and when it comes to my time, prioritizes their needs over his every time. 

He is a good man, but naive. Throughout the last 6 months he maintained he loves me, committed to being with me 'one day' (although no talk of when that was, specifically), talked of marrying me, how we would manage with the kids, etc etc etc - all the things. Having kids of my own, I knew he didn't really have an understanding yet of what bringing a baby into this world really does to a person, or what a huge impact that would be on his life. I knew I was going to end up getting hurt. 

I tried to end it three times, each time he told me he understood, that we were doing the right thing, and that lasted max 24 hrs before he begged me to reconsider, once again reminding me of how much he loves me, wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, etc. 

Last month they had a little girl. It hurt like hell to watch from afar, but I made sure to give them space. We didn't speak for about 10 days after the baby was born - neither of us initiated contact and I was ok with that. After that, we chatted a little, but it was stifled and awkward. Eventually after deciding I couldn't cope with that anymore I just messaged him and told him that it was Ok that he'd changed his mind, that I could tell and I absolutely understood. We met, we talked, we both cried, and long story short we both agreed the best thing to do is to go our separate ways. He maintained he was only staying for the baby, and that he meant everything he said when he said it, but that now that the baby was here he felt like he had to stay. I said I told you so, and I understand. I also said this is the right thing to do for my family as well, as I can't concentrate on my marriage when my heart belongs somewhere else. 

Ever since then, he's contacted me countless times. We're in the same social circle so I cant block him without it looking suspicious. The conversations range from chatty, how are you things, to asking about the kids, all the way through to the 'this is unbearable, i don't know what to do'. He tells me he feels so so torn, and that he cant see a way out. He asked if we could stay friends, I've said yes as long as he gives me some space first (which he doesn't) and that I can only be friends with him if he maintains actual friend boundaries (i.e, not telling me he loves me, touching me, and so on - which he also cant seem to do) I've maintained all along that I am ok with our stolen moments as long as I can trust him that one day we will be together properly. I've reiterated this now and told him we both know I deserve better than being his side piece for the rest of his life - he agrees. And we go around in circles. 

It's doing my head in. I love him and I want to be with him,  I will wait for him if I trusted him to go through with it one day - but at the moment I cant trust that he will. I understand where he's at but he's just hurting me every day more and more. I'm not trying to give him an ultimatum, that wouldn't be fair, but I just don't know where to go from here. 

Any thoughts or advice appreciated - please 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Confused998 said:

He has maintained throughout our 'relationship' that he has never loved her, never even told her he loves her. They had been together since high school and were 'so attached to each other and used to being around one another,' they don't fight, but they aren't in love. He didn't propose to her, instead she decided they would get a married and went ahead and set a date (this I know to be true, his wife told me herself). From what I can gather, the same sort of thing happened when it came to having a baby. 

He is a good man, but naive.

 

Poor guy, he had absolutely no say in the wedding or the pregnancy? That’s terrible. What an awful woman he is married to...

Do you appreciate how ridiculous this sounds? He has told you a story and you have bought it, without question. 

Men who cheat on their pregnant wives are a special kind of man. Friend, this is not a good man. He is not naive. He is the worst apple of the bunch. Sorry. 

Can you appreciate - this is supposed to be he most special time in her life - the birth of her first child. He has taken this experience away from her. When she learns the truth, this special time in her life will forever be remembered as a time of betrayal. As a mother of two children, can you appreciate how awful that would feel? Can you appreciate not just how hard it was for you to watch, but how hurtful this affair is to his wife, the mother of his child?

Edited March 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Confused998 said:

He asked if we could stay friends, I've said yes as long as he gives me some space first (which he doesn't) and that I can only be friends with him if he maintains actual friend boundaries 

 

You can’t stay friend with this man. The genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back now. You have already crossed the line, you have have not maintained a healthy and respectful boundary with each other - you can’t “create” one now. You have romantic feelings for each other, those just don’t go away because you decide to be “friends.” 

Has he met your children? When you talk of your children, are you talking about the time they need from you or has he actually met them? 

Edited March 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[Negotaurus]

I wish I could hug the BS. 

What an awful manchild your MM is. If I were you, I'd be running on a field of sunflowers out of happiness right now. Why are you in pain, knowing you're rid of such a "thing"? Lucky you!! 

[BaileyB]

If I may say OP, your decision to end the affair and distance yourself from this man is the right decision. For yourself, for your children... I wish you strength as you try to end this affair. 

I would strongly advise you to find a good counsellor, as you need to discover what is missing in you/in your marriage that you turned away from your family and your better judgment. 

Edited March 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[ABernie]

I think he means everything he says.  However the phrase "actions speak louder than words," is what you need to keep in mind.  Men don't leave for a lot of reasons.  It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean that he does not want to be with you, but they live and feel differently.  They have a lot to lose: children, finances, a home, reputation, someone to do their laundry,  etc.  

The reason that the divorce rate has gone up in the last 50 years, is because women are able to file more easily now.  If you look at the court records, the huge majority of divorces are filed by the wife.  "Men don't leave" and "it is cheaper to keep her" are phrases that my male friends have told me during my heartache.  

Things may work out for you.  You may be the success story.  But to do that, you need to take care of your life and house.  Do you want to be married to your current husband?  If the answer is no, then start getting your affairs in order.  When I look back at my A.  It was meeting my AP that gave me the courage to ask for a divorce.  My STBX had betrayed me (not an A, but just as bad) and it took me 3 years and AP to realize I needed out.  I remember when AP first told me his feelings for me.  I told him that I had 11 years left of my sentence until my youngest graduated HS.  2 months later when we started PA, I went home and asked for divorce.  

I don't think that xMM and I will ever be together, as much as I want to, however the slight chance or hope will be years from now when we have both gotten our life in order.  I also hope that when this moment happens that I am in a healthy and happy relationship with someone else.  That was the only cure for my heartache over xMM.  It wasn't just anyone.  The right person came and it was like xMM never existed.  

 

OW are often demonized.  I knew xMM was married, but he told me that they were going to a mediator and she was talking to another man as well.  I thought he was in the same situation that I was in - the beginning stages of divorcing.  Foolish yes, but human as well.  

 

[Lurker123]

Hi OP. Thanks for posting. I know the initial post is always hard. Your situation is very similar to mine. Mine is a lot more advanced now as OM daughter is now nearly 14 months- but wow when I read your story did it bring it all back! 
 

All I can tell you OP- is that things won’t change. He had his chance to walk and he didn’t.  The fact he now has a child just gives him another reason not to leave and trust me- he will use that reason at every opportunity. Like Bailey said above- he was never forced into either marriage or a baby- why didn’t he walk away from BW before committing to both those things? If he never loved her and couldn’t leave then- what are the chances he will leave now, given that he’s now tied in with marriage and baby? Let me tell you my friend- they are zero to none.

You have my sympathy’s, you do, because I’ve very much been there, done it, got the T-shirt, the only difference is, I left my H and am now on my own. What is happening with your marriage? Do you intend to keep it going even though you have fallen for someone else? 
 

Keep posting, the sympathy will be limited, but sometimes that is what you need I promise x 

[mark clemson]

I don't think he's the worst apple of the bunch (although cheating during a pregnancy IS pretty awful), I think he's a man who let's others make decisions for him and can't assert himself. He's codependent with his wife and not fully happy with things, but he can't stand up to her so instead he sneaks around with you. He probably should have divorced before having a kid, but again he doesn't "know how". He is also chasing the "high" of being with you as much as anything else and can't control himself particularly well.

His wife may not be a particularly bad partner, but I suspect they both take each other for granted. She is so used to being the dominant partner she probably can't imagine this happening. (And right now she's very distracted.)

It doesn't really matter which of us LSers is right, I think the bottom line is you are a patch to ease the "pain" of his dissatisfaction with his situation. Ending it was the correct thing to do and the fact that he can't control himself is a problem.

You probably want to try firmer measures and probably DON'T want to continue contact/being friends since he clearly can't handle it. Also you may be drawn back in if you do that and I don't doubt he will start getting "handsy" at some point.

Affairs often get discovered, and as you know from lurking Ddays tend to be awful. I suspect that, if there is one, he will limp back home with his tail between his legs much like a beaten puppy.  What will YOU do?

Edited March 12, 2020 by mark clemson

[preraph]

He's married to this woman for a reason, and the reason is because he's weak and she's strong, so they're an opposites match type deal.  He is probably just indecisive and ineffectual without her running his life.  So he's a weak leech of a man riding her like a suckerfish on a shark.  VERY appealing.  Lord.  

 

And everything else:  You don't get much lower than cheating on a pregnant wife.  Be careful what you wish for.  If you got him, you'd be sorry.  He's not very substantive and no ethics. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

He is a good man, but naive. 

No man who chooses to cheat on his pregnant wife can ever be described as a good man, by any description of the word!

You've neglected to mention the 4th person involved in this drama, your husband, except that you acknowledge you know you don't want to be married to him as you openly declare you want to be with your AP 'some day'. So have the basic common courtesy/decency and tell him, give this man the agency and knowledge to make well informed decisions about his life, he also needs to go for STI testing.

BTW do you even realise the level of disrespect you have shown your husband by having your AP interact with your children?

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by Amethyst68
spelling

[vla1120]

Ouch! The difference between the BS and me is that I found out my husband was cheating with my best friend during my 7th month of pregnancy. Maybe it is better that his wife is oblivious of the fact that he has been having sex with another woman while she carried his child. The rest of my pregnancy was quite stressful. At least her pregnancy was not put at risk due to her husband's selfish and fiendish behavior. 

He used all the typical "stories" most MM tell their OW - he doesn't love her, he was forced into the marriage, he didn't want kids with her (and yet, he didn't take precautions against getting her pregnant), etc. I'm surprised he didn't tell you they sleep in separate rooms. Men who cheat (especially those who cheat on their pregnant wives - which burns me to the soul) also LIE. He lies to you. He lies to his wife. He's a liar. Period. So, if you cannot believe one thing he says, you cannot believe ANYTHING he says.

Regardless of what is going on with YOUR marriage, don't muddy the waters by being involved with him or anyone else. Either leave your husband, or put this "man" behind you and give your marriage a fair chance with marriage counseling for the two of you and individual counseling for you - to help you get over this cad.

Edited March 12, 2020 by vla1120

[Confused998]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I don't think he's the worst apple of the bunch (although cheating during a pregnancy IS pretty awful), I think he's a man who let's others make decisions for him and can't assert himself. He's codependent with his wife and not fully happy with things, but he can't stand up to her so instead he sneaks around with you. He probably should have divorced before having a kid, but again he doesn't "know how". He is also chasing the "high" of being with you as much as anything else and can't control himself particularly well.

His wife may not be a particularly bad partner, but I suspect they both take each other for granted. She is so used to being the dominant partner she probably can't imagine this happening. (And right now she's very distracted.)

 

^^ This I think is a 100% accurate portrayal of him, her and their relationship. He has been with his wife since he was 15 - she is literally the only person he's ever been with and as such he has made his bed - their dynamic, from what I've seen of them together (witnessed first hand I mean) is exactly this. 

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really value every single one of them. After I posted this originally last night I received another message from him, the usual junk. He asked me to meet him today so we could talk. I told him to leave me alone or I will block him. He replied with "Just sleep on it beautiful, please. I can't bear to lose you" Everyone's (correct) comments about him being weak really, really helped me not reply. 

[BaileyB]

What does it say about the man that his wife is home with a brand new baby, his child, and he is chasing another woman...

Yes, he is weak. Maybe they did get together when they were young and perhaps he let others make decisions for him - but he is a grown man now and look at the decisions he is making today. 

During pregnancy and caring for a newborn, I can’t think of a more vulnerable time for a woman. Her body has changed, her hormones are changed, she is sleep deprived, emotional, and stressed as she learns to care for a newborn. She is experiencing all of these things in addition to the joy of bringing her first child home and her husband is chasing another woman - it’s really sad. My heart breaks for her, she needs to know at some point the kind of man to whom she is married.

And, I really hope that you have the good sense to realize - you don’t want this man. You don’t want a man who can do this to a woman. He thinks only of himself, as evidenced by his continued attempts to contact you despite your decision to end contact and despite the pain it would cause his family. Selfish behavior.

Edited March 12, 2020 by BaileyB