Please Advise? I may still love her.

[Waffle Man]

Okay, I've posted on this subject before but I'm really struggling. Is it totally insane to take a woman back after our 4-month relationship was overshadowed by her surreptitious connection with her ex-fiancé? I dumped her and gave her an ultimatum: him or me.

 

She said she wanted me. I took her back. A month or so later, I knew he was still lurking about—and so were her feelings for him.

 

So, I and dumped her again over a week ago. No ultimatum, just “We’re finished!”

 

Now she’s back and according to her, this time it was long enough (she claims) for her to realize (after they did spend some emotional and physical time together) that she really wants me and only me. My gut tells me she's telling me the truth. She wants us to move in together and start building a real life She's given me the time and space to think it over. I just can’t make up my mind. Is it possible she's over him and if I forgive her we can make another go at it? Please advise.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Now she’s back and according to her, this time it was long enough (she claims) for her to realize (after they did spend some emotional and physical time together) that she really wants me and only me.

2. My gut tells me she's telling me the truth.

3. She wants us to move in together and start building a real life She's given me the time and space to think it over.

4. Is it possible she's over him and if I forgive her we can make another go at it?

 

1. Nope. A week was just long enough to get her fix and not make any real decisions like the one she thinks she has made. It won't be long at all until she needs that fix again.

2. No doubt she is telling the truth... for now. That is no guarantee that she won't be needing that fix again, though.

3. Nope. The best you should offer is no less than six months of dating - NO LIVING TOGETHER until the six month mark. That should be plenty of time to see if she is serious about this. It will also protect you, too. The last thing you want is her moving in with you and then in just a few weeks time getting that old "I need space" BS while she goes off to get her fix again.

4. No. It is not possible. Six months from now, if she does not go back and things are going well - then you can determine whether or not she is over him.

 

Nothing says you can't make a go of it, but it would be a very bad decision to jump right into moving in together and going all hot and heavy this soon after she did you wrong. Date her. Do not exclude the possibility of dating others. Do not move in with her. Take it slow. There is no need to rush this if it is going to be for the long haul anyway. Do not let her pressure you into something heavy right now. Assure her that you are there for her, and that you are not going anywhere but that moving in together and being so serious are simply not options right now given her past behavior.

[Waffle Man]

Thanks for the response, Lu. I've read some of your other advice here on LS and I respect your opinion very much and I do appreciate the support. I'm really confused and this helps. I can put aside my pride (the male bravado stuff) and the petty need to see here pay for her sins. What I can't seem to live with is the idea that if I do say 100% get the hell out of my life, well, that's it: there is no chance in hell we'll ever be together. I am leaning toward believing the risk may be worth it simply because a very, very slim chance is better than no chance at all. Is that sappy? I mean, it didn't kill me what she's done to me. I know the risks and I truly believe that the worst case scenario is that my friends think I'm a butt head (but still love me the same) and she burns me again. Seems like it happens to people who love all the time, yeah? I'm living with the pain as it is now... Sucks, but I can handle it.

 

Now I just need an Alpha Male type to sign on and ask me if I've lost my marbles...LOL

 

Thanks again

[LucreziaBorgia]

What I can't seem to live with is the idea that if I do say 100% get the hell out of my life, well, that's it: there is no chance in hell we'll ever be together.

 

Oh, no I didn't mean for you to take it that way. You don't want to cut her off 100%, but you only want to open the door for her at around 30% (dating, not exclusively, and without living together) - and let her EARN her way back up to 100% of your heart and your love.

 

She can't make that sort of percentage jump meaningfully happen in less than six months. She has a lot of rebuilding of your broken trust to get through first.