Does it really happen? Understanding the situation

[freddyman]

I was in a long term relationship of 2 years and half with my girlfriend.

We are both 24 yrs old.

I was the first serious boyfriend for her, she lost her virginity with me.

The last period was not one of the best, we were always arguing, also for stupid things.

I started being a little jealous and needy.

It was not a good period for me also because of external reasons.

She started travelling for work, and when she was away she did not reply too often to my messages.

I felt the distance between us, and when I told her she told me that everything was fine between us.

Actually I did not know what she was doing and with whom she was spending her time because of the distance.

When she does come back, we were meeting and we were happy to see each other.

Sex was good, also after arguing we ended up in bed. Sex was very emotional after arguing.

On her last travel something strange happened. She changed the profile picture with me and she put herself alone. During the morning she was not replying to my messages. I called her and after two hours she called me back. I asked her what's happening, but she told me that everything was fine with us and she didn't changed the profile picture, it was a friend of her.

I felt like : are you kidding with me? ... So I lost my patience and told her "f*uck you".

I removed the photos with her on social media.

I know I was wrong. The same day she came back from the travel.

The strange thing is that every time we were arguing she came to me crying and trying to solve.

This time no. I went to her, we discussed... she was like running away from me.

But then we had sex. She slept with me, but she was cold.

I went on a four days holiday. When I came back we meet and everything seems to be normal, until I saw a chat on her phone with another guy, who I know was with her during last travel (when she changed the profile picture), because he was stalking my social media account.

At first I didn't pay attention, but then I asked her to see the chat. She told me she can't show me the chat because it was a surprise for a special day. I trusted her because my birthday was coming...

But it sounds very strange.

A week after she departed again for work. During those days she was cold and didn't reply to my messages. She was only asking how I was without paying attention to what I was writing and then she was telling me about what she was doing during her days.

I was kind of frustrated. So I decided to break-up with her when she was back.

She came back, I called her and we meet up.

I told her that I didn't thing that our relationship can go on in that way and it was better to break up.

It was kind a strange break up, we kissed a lot. It was not a "real" break up. It seems more like a break.

Then I told her that going with other girls was not in my interest and that I will focus on my projects and goal. She told me that her hearth will be mine and not only... "referring to her p*ssy".

She told me she loves me, me too.

Then silence.

After three weeks she came back to me with a text message.

Remembering the good times, she told me that I'm unique and that she understood the mistakes she made during our time together. So I proposed her to meet.

We meet, everything was amazing. She was really attracted. She told me she loves me and never want to loose me again. We slept together. But then, the day after...

I brought her to drink something. While we were coming back by car, she asked me if we were a couple again. I told her : what do you thing? She told me... yes but I have to tell you something.

She started crying and was not able to tell me. So I asked her: have you been with another guy?

She told me yes. I asked her: Have you used the condom? (because we had sex without it)

She told me yes, but then she was back on her feet and told me that he tried, he wear the condom but she didn't let him do the job. She told me that there was just a kiss.

And the man was the one of the chat.

My heart broke. I told her thank you for sharing this with me. It's over.

I cut down all the contacts with her, blocking her everywhere.

During the relationship I always told her that if I want to do something with another girl I will break up with her before doing anything, because I respect her and I don't want to cheat on her.

I told her this because sometimes she was thinking she was not enough for me and I was looking for something better. I gave her no reason to do that. Never meet or text a girl with bad intentions.

Now I don't want that what she has done was a reaction because she thought I was with another girl...

I have also to confess that when I known her we go out together for four times. Then there was the new year eve, unfortunately I passed it with my friends and not with her (we have just meet).

I got drunk and had sex with another girl. When I meet her I told her and she told me she can get over it. And she did.

But when she told me she kissed this man (I'm sure she slept with him... but who knows), she also told me that I have also done something similar. I know, but at that time we were strangers.

After two years and half there was love between us.

I don't now what to do, I'm really attached to her. We lived unique moments and everything was wonderful. But after this I don't know if I can trust her anymore.

I cannot stand the idea that only after five days I broke up with her she was with this man.

She told me that at first she didn't even cry (probably because there was this man).

I was crying everyday.

I was at home, trying to understand where I was wrong and trying to improve myself.

What should I do? My hearth miss her but my brain tells me to move on.

I don't want that her act was just for revenge or emotional sex. What do you think ?

Do you think she came back for me or just because she took me as a backup?

She told me she meet also other guys in the meantime, but she was always thinking about me and smiling because I was very different from them for my qualities.

[d0nnivain]

Because you mentioned you were her 1st real BF, I suspect that she strayed partly out of curiosity.  She wanted to see what / who else was out there.  Doesn't make it right but human nature being what it is, she had a bit of GIGs.  Once she had something to compare it to, she realized that you were a good BF & she wants you back.  Only you know if you are willing to take that risk.  You know she already dumped you once.  Do you want to take the chance that she won't do it again?  I think she probably understands the error of her ways & there is little chance it will happen again if you both move past it.  If you always bring it up, that will poison the relationship, assuming you try to get back together.  

You know her.  We don't.  The choice is yours.  

[freddyman]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You know she already dumped you once

She didn't dumped me... I dumped her. 

I make the move, because we were always arguing and it was a difficult situation.

I blame myself for this... I dumped her and she went looking for something new.

She was already looking, but maybe if I keep her with me this would not have been happened.

[freddyman]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You know her.

Yes, she's got a very low self esteem.

She's looking for validation in others people.

... I'm afraid I can't trust her again and this will poison me in the future.

[d0nnivain]

Then just walk away.  If she has broken your trust that you can never see her the same way, do everyone & favor & be done.  Dragging it out & trying will leave you both frustrated & drag this out unnecessarily.  

[freddyman]

@d0nnivain

I know... but I love her.

It hurts.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

I just responded to another thread from a guy about your age (he's 26). My advice to you is, in part, the same to him. So I'm copying and pasting what I think you need from that thread here because I wouldn't change a word. Now, there's more advice I can give based on the specifics of what you shared, but it will take me time to process what you shared here. For now:

• Early 20's for people today represents a time of great change and uncertainty. That's not to say everyone doesn't know who they are or what they want by 18 or 22 or 25. But even for a lot of "mature" people - the social pressure to explore, to try different things, to "date around", can impact their psyche and their choices. Regardless of her reasoning, once you get past a certain age - if they're invested in it deeply they wouldn't cut and run.
• Another thing to point out - healthy relationships depend on people communicating but also on sharing an intimate (emotional) bond. If she was having "second thoughts" or reconsidering the relationship (which she may have been for a while even before her behavior changed) - and she didn't open up to you, then she wasn't planting enough emotional support into your relationship. And that does not bode well for any relationship.
• Lastly - considering her age it's very worthwhile to consider her upbringing, family, and life experience. Not that those factors don't play a role at any age, but I feel that for younger women (of course, it applies to men but we're talking about you dating a woman) those factors play a crucial part in the long-term viability of a relationship. Was she given space to express emotions (especially negative ones) in her family? Was she the victim of emotional abuse, abandonment (real or threat), emotional hostage, etc., ? Was she encouraged and supported? Did she rebel in her teens? What's her self-esteem level? Did her parents have an emotionally healthy, mature, rooted, and loving relationship? I ask these things because for a lot of young women hit 20,22, 25 even and they're still not emotionally mature on the inside. They may say they're "mature", their external behavior may point to "maturity" - but underneath it all, they're like ducks in the water - the top looks calm, underneath, they're emotionally struggling to stay afloat. They don't know how to live their life w/o feeling judged, they don't know how to pursue what (and who) they want. And in many cases, they don't even know what they want. So keep those things in mind and use that exploration to help reaffirm that, as long as you were the best person you could be right now, then you're no more to blame for the failed relationship than she is at the end of the day.

Do not beat yourself up. Most people at 24 today do not have the emotional maturity or the experience to support a long-term, healthy, emotionally intimate relationship. Use this as a lesson and move on!

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, freddyman said:

@d0nnivain

I know... but I love her.

It hurts.

Of course it hurts but if you don't love her enough to move past this & give her a 2nd chance, ending it is your best option.  What you are doing is simply prolonging the misery.  

[freddyman]

1 hour ago, scooby-philly said:

Use this as a lesson and move on!

Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. I'll move on.

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

ending

It's over!

I would like to learn from my mistakes... make them treasure and hope one day I'll find a person worth loving.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it was the right choice to break up, OP. 

She was losing interest in the relationship before this all blew up, and while she cares about you, I don't think she's in any place in her life to commit to you and only you forever. She isn't done exploring yet, and that's a ride you don't want to be around for. 

[freddyman]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

she cares about you

I know, but before this awful period she was committed to me.

She was just seeing me. She's got a low-self esteem.

Maybe she found someone who was giving her care while I was disappeared because of the break-up and she fell.

I miss the good times. I'm afraid I'll never experience them again.

I want to protect her, I'm worried because she's weak ... and she does not handle this situation.

Maybe she will explore someone new, and then realise that she was looking for love and not just one night stand.

This is exactly what happened, I'm afraid it will happen again again and again.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, freddyman said:

I know, but before this awful period she was committed to me.

Yes, and the same can be said for anyone whose feelings change. Not everyone cheats, obviously, but the risk we take entering a relationship is that sometimes people grow apart and fall out of love, too. This is especially true with younger people who are inexperienced and not ready to settle down forever. That's why people date around, to figure out who they are and what they really want in a partner. 

Your desire to protect her is misguided, and it's your ego talking. You want to be needed by her, which is a fairly human reaction after a betrayal when you might otherwise feel so discarded. However, she doesn't need protecting, OP. She is not a helpless soul, and she sure didn't protect you when she started entertaining another guy. She made some bad choices, yes, but she doesn't need your protection, my friend. She will be fine. 

And so will you. The good times? You will get those again. Your fear that you won't is simply your inexperience speaking. You're still very young, with plenty of time and options ahead of you. The good times will be had with someone else, someone who is a better match for you and is in a better place to commit. This girl isn't it. 

[freddyman]

On 3/14/2020 at 3:09 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Not everyone cheats

If she didn't do anything with this guys, I would have took her back.

On 3/14/2020 at 3:09 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

settle down forever

I'm believe that "it was just my turn"...

On 3/14/2020 at 3:09 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

your ego talking.

You are extremely right!!!

Thank you for your reply

[scooby-philly]

On 3/14/2020 at 8:51 AM, freddyman said:

I know, but before this awful period she was committed to me.

She was just seeing me. She's got a low-self esteem.

Maybe she found someone who was giving her care while I was disappeared because of the break-up and she fell.

I miss the good times. I'm afraid I'll never experience them again.

I want to protect her, I'm worried because she's weak ... and she does not handle this situation.

Maybe she will explore someone new, and then realise that she was looking for love and not just one night stand.

This is exactly what happened, I'm afraid it will happen again again and again.

As @ExpatInItaly said @freddyman and as part of my first response mentioned:

• People, especially when they're younger (or older and they've cast a solid, unbreakable behavior pattern in dating and/or life) - can say x and think they mean it, but when something comes along - that X turns into Y because they're not really mature, experienced, and/or emotionally ready. The problem lies not in what you did or did not do or said or did not say, but in our nature as human beings. That's why you need to focus on yourself and your own healing and growth. 
• That's a good lesson moving forward - anyone at any age that needs validation from people - instagram/twitter/facebook hoes, people who sleep around a lot and don't find someone committed, someone who compares you to others and puts you down (there's another recent thread on one of the boards and dude, you got off easy compared to this one guy and how crazy his girl was), someone who needs constant attention, talks to you constantly throughout the day, etc.
• Again - that comes with the lack of experience and age. A SOLID relationship - whether it last 5 years because someone dies young or they met when they were older, or 50 years or more - a "real" relationship is built on a foundation of friendship, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, communication, trust, and shared experiences. At her age and likely given part of her background/upbringing, she doesn't know what a real relationship means and doesn't know how to support one. Anyone who cuts and runs for any reason after a lengthy period of time and BLINDSIDES you (to a lesser or greater extent) isn't healthy and isn't emotionally invested and open in the relationship. If she was, she would have come to you with her problems, opened up and worked WITH you. But she didn't. Unfortunately that's something you can't pick up on for months and even then, you don't know for certain. But that's also why you look for other signs of maturity, emotional health, experience, openness, etc. You need to paint a complete and accurate portrait of this person. That was my mistake in the last relationship. I let her love bombing, her academic focus, her lack of friends and social life confuse me into thinking she was a lot more mature, older, and ready than she really was. 
• Of course you do. We all do. Just remember, if you didn't miss them, if you didn't ache and hurt and cry - that would mean you didn't love her, and that would mean a whole other set of problems fro you
• Yup - as expat said - that's pure ego. Don't focus on her and what may or may not happen to her. Focus on you. Daily Journal (write it or email it to yourself) - 5 short lists - your qualities, your accomplishments, your goals, the traits of your ideal woman, and what was wrong with her and the relationship. Repeat daily, several times a day if needed when you spiral out of control, and use it as a spring board to write other things, to codify your future, to clarify the past, etc.
• Exactly. And maybe in 3 or 6 months or a year, she'll wake up and realize she made a mistake about you. But....that's not your concern or focus. Do you. Be the man you want to be and remember - being a "good man" is not the same as being a "nice guy". Good men have boundaries, express and get their needs met, don't tolerate bulls***, games, drama, immaturity, disrespect, entitlement, etc.
• Nah. Sure, we make mistakes all the time. And sometimes we have to make the same "mistake" a few times till we learn. But if you're open to the emotions, if you open up to a few people to get advice and perspective, and if you pursue your life and surround yourself with good quality people you'll end up where you were meant to be all along.

[Youngbess]

I think you have to give yourself some time apart. 

Don't take her back now. You're gonna resent her terribly and you're gonna keep having mental images of her with this guy, and you're gonna want to punish her for the pain she caused you, and it's gonna get very toxic and painful. So, some time apart is needed.

If you find, after some weeks/months, that the pain has subsided, you may want to communicate with her again. You MAY find out that the horrible torture of her cheating, those memories, are fading...but instead, you still miss the connection with her, the good times, the chemistry. So...? that may be worth exploring, once again. But NOT YET. You need time apart and she needs to learn her lesson (if you take her back right away, she will not respect the relationship. She needs to see that her stupid actions had very serious consequences). 

So, give it time! Best of luck!

[freddyman]

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

human beings

And you can't change it!

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

recent thread

Which one?

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

isn't emotionally invested and open in the relationship

She was... but she also believe in 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth' .

I don't want that she made it just for punish me... and then expect that I'll take her back anyway.

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

her problems, opened up and worked WITH you.

This is a good point, because every time I told her to tell me what's wrong with us, she neglected the evidence. It was all fine with us.

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

accurate portrait of this person.

This. takes time...

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

Daily Journal

Wil do it!

 

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

being a "good man" is not the same as being a "nice guy".

True words.

 

On 3/15/2020 at 10:50 PM, scooby-philly said:

you were meant to be

Just keep the faith.

On 3/16/2020 at 12:03 AM, Youngbess said:

time apart is needed.

How do you handle it? I feel like dying sometimes.

 

On 3/16/2020 at 12:03 AM, Youngbess said:

, those memories, are fading

In my mind I can see only the good times at the moment... That's the terrible thing, and that's why I miss her a lot.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, freddyman said:

This is a good point, because every time I told her to tell me what's wrong with us, she neglected the evidence. It was all fine with us.

She didn't neglect the evidence, really. She just wasn't invested enough to try to make it better.

Trust me, the same thing will happen again if you try to stay together. She's been emotionally checked out for a while and there's often no coming back from that when you're talking about someone as young and inexperienced as her. 

[JTSW]

You're not a victim here OP and neither is she.

You've both done things behind the others back but you think yours is justified when it's not.

You've treated each other like crap at times.

You are just not compatible.

[manfrombelow2]

If she slept with another guy, she's a goner.

[freddyman]

5 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said:

she slept with another guy

Actually I don't know if she slept.

She told me she had just a kiss.

He went to the bathroom and came back wearing a condom and she didn't let him in.

But... I don't know.

This is what she told me.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

The mere fact that she even put herself in that position says it all, OP. 

She is not invested in you anymore. 

[freddyman]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is not invested in you anymore.

But then she came back to me...

She told me she loves me and never want to lose me again.

[manfrombelow2]

2 hours ago, freddyman said:

But then she came back to me...

She told me she loves me and never want to lose me again.

Listen not what she says, just watch what she does. This applies to everyone.

The fact she put herself in such situation said it all. 

Edited March 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scooby-philly]

2 hours ago, freddyman said:

But then she came back to me...

She told me she loves me and never want to lose me again.

It's called buyer's remorse. Not saying you were a perfect boyfriend, but she made emotional and physical choices to put herself in this situation. She's probably more afraid of losing something "comfortable" and "known" than really missing "you". You two have not had a steady, mature, and emotionally healthy relationship from the start. It seems like, from what you described, that she has abandonment issues and/or low self-esteem. And you sleeping with that other woman when you just met your now ex-gf was not good either - though if you weren't officially dating at that point, it's forgivable. Probably something you should not have shared with her, especially then. From re-reading your post it seems like you're both clinging to the relationship because you're afraid of the unknown, the future, and of not finding someone else. As I look back on my last relationship, which totally broke my heart into a million pieces, I can see that for her it was puppy love. I'm not sure if she really loved me or if she did, it was very immature and as time wore off I was less and less attractive for her (not just in a physical sense, but from a personality standpoint). Your ex sounds like she's just young and isn't sure of what she wants. Don't make things worse for yourself in the long-run. Cut the ties now so you do not end up prolonging your misery. My ex told me 2 months before she dumped me she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship. I should have walked then (especially since she said that on the day she ruined my birthday last year. And after several other incidents of her turning out to be completely immature, inexperienced, and selfish. So don't take her back. Either you will grow to resent her or she will get comfortable again and then get distant when she's back to her old self.

 

 

[JTSW]

Deleted!

Edited March 18, 2020 by JTSW