JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 9 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: The fact she put herself in such situation said it all. So did he. He had sex with another girl AFTER they got together. Why is everyone forgetting the fact that he ACTUALLY cheated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author freddyman Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 11 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: just watch what she does. True words man... 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: buyer's remorse Maybe I let her feel what others can't. Maybe it was just a rebound moment... 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: low self-esteem This is for sure, she's got a low self esteem problem. She's always looking from validation from others people. I was helping her a lot with this. 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: it's forgivable That was a very particular situation. I was also drunk. After two years, I had the occasion to sleep with others women but I never let anybody come between me and her. Because when I did it, there was a very low emotional investment between me and her After two years and half there's love. That's a strong feeling. 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: it was puppy love Do you think that women love us just for what we can bring to them? And they are always looking for some better opportunities to improve their lives? 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Probably something you should not have shared with her I know, but just to be correct. I was the first one for her. So I decided before having sex with her... to tell her what I did. And then, if she can accept it to go on with the relationship. In fact, she accepted that it was a mistake. 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: So don't take her back. Sure. There are others girls I'm in touch with at the moment. But I don't feel like hanging out with them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author freddyman Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, JTSW said: sex with another girl AFTER they got together. No man, I had sex with another girl before we got together. It's different. Before having sex with another girl I have had only four appointments with her... We were just knowing at the time. It was a mistake from my part, but I honestly admitted this to her before starting a LTR with her. Edited March 18, 2020 by freddyman Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, freddyman said: Do you think that women love us just for what we can bring to them? And they are always looking for some better opportunities to improve their lives? Woman here. Give us a little credit, OP. For heaven's sake, we're not all opportunists. Look, you two got together young and she had no experience. These aren't the type of relationships that usually last. There's an expiration date because people that young are not finished growing and exploring. That applies to both men and women. I've seen just as many young men do this, I promise you. It hurts, but you two were not meant to stay together forever. She outgrew the relationship before you did. There are going to be other women in your future. She isn't the be-all and end-all. Edited March 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Just now, freddyman said: four appointments That's what you call dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author freddyman Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I've seen just as many young men do this, I promise you. Yes, you are right. But love is a strong feeling. 2 hours ago, JTSW said: what you call dates? Yes Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) Just now, freddyman said: Yes Why? Appointments are for doctors etc I would hate someone calling our date an 'appointment' Edited March 18, 2020 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
Author freddyman Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 9 minutes ago, JTSW said: Why? Appointments are for doctors etc I would hate someone calling our date an 'appointment' Sorry, I misspelled it. My meaning was "dates" and not appointments Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, JTSW said: That's what you call dates? If I may, in some languages the direct translation for "date" is "appointment" in English. I don't know if OP is a native English-speaker or not, but it could explain the choice of word. I live in Italy and teach English to Italians, and frequently need to correct their mis-translation of that specific word. It might simply be a language barrier issue and not a direct attempt by OP to misrepresent these dates. Edited March 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 2 hours ago, freddyman said: True words man... This is for sure, she's got a low self esteem problem. She's always looking from validation from others people. I was helping her a lot with this. After two years, I had the occasion to sleep with others women but I never let anybody come between me and her. Do you think that women love us just for what we can bring to them? And they are always looking for some better opportunities to improve their lives? I was the first one for her. So I decided before having sex with her... to tell her what I did. OP, Cut down your response to focus on a couple of areas: Be careful about dating people with low self-esteem. If they do not have an emotional foundation they will leap from thing to thing, person to person, seeking that validation. It can impact many aspects of a relationship - from their communication to the sex to the emotional intimacy. And your job as a "boyfriend" or "husband" one day is not to "fix them". Be careful of not becoming a "fixer". People need to want to help themselves first. That doesn't mean you cannot find success and love as a "good man". But don't become the "nice guy" who doesn't make sure your needs get met as well. I would be cautious about your wording. I get from your posts that English may not be your first/primary language. That's cool. Just be careful - saying "I had the occasion to sleep with other women" makes it sound like you put yourself into possibly compromising situations and/or you weren't emotionally committed to the relationship. And if that was the case, you need to think about that long as well. If you just realized that in retrospect, that's fine. But if you're thinking about that in the moment, when you're actually in a relationship, that's not healthy. No, I don't think women love us just for what we can bring them. And no, I don't think they look for "better opportunities" to improve their lives constantly (at least in terms of people). Now, as with any statement, there will be exceptions. As you mature, you come to sense certain things a "mile away" as we say in the USA. One of those things is "entitlement". There are women who feel entitled to a certain "lifestyle" and/or they come in expecting Prince Charming and a life of fame/fortune. That's not who I am and that's not what I can provide. So there's no chance I would date anyone like that. What I meant by puppy love in my case was that my ex had no real, adult relationship experience before me. So she had nothing to judge her experience with. As time wore on, her initial attraction probably faded and because she was not comfortable with herself, did not know how to live her own life, and was shame based and suffered from low self-esteem, and could not or did not open up, allowing for a deep emotional connection on her part, all of those things made the "relationship" tougher and tougher for her as time marched on. And that was even with me doing 95% of the work and making 95% of the sacrifices to make the relationship work. But she couldn't see that and thought that by simply staying in that she was somehow being an "adult" about it. In your case, based solely on what you've shared thus far, it sounds like your ex was also inexperienced. As ExpatInItaly said - relationships in our late teens and early to mid 20's don't tend to work out, especially in the modern world, because people are still figuring out who they are, what they want, and in many cases, they're still learning how to open up and figure out how to "be themselves" despite pressure from friends, family, society, (eventually co-workers as they get into the workforce), the media, etc. on what they should do/not do, say/ not say, etc. Just because you were her first does not mean you need to divulge everything, especially up front. It may, to a certain extant, have contributed to the dynamic of the relationship. In and of itself it's not enough to say "if you didn't tell her the relationship would have worked out in the long run"...but it's something to consider in the future. Of course, you had only gone on 4 dates at that point so you didn't have any "exclusive" rights to each other. BUT.....in the future, if you get to 4 dates with someone again you should be starting to curtail other dating opportunities slowly. And if something were to happen, you keep that to yourself until the appropriate time to share. Link to post Share on other sites
Author freddyman Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 On 3/18/2020 at 3:16 PM, ExpatInItaly said: English-speaker Yes, I'm not a naive English speaker. I meant dates. @JTSW On 3/18/2020 at 3:23 PM, scooby-philly said: "I had the occasion to sleep with other women I mean that in the meanwhile, I met other women at job. Some of them was really attracted to me and left me their phone numbers. But I didn't feel like reach them out, because I was always thinking about her. And she, after just 5 days, was already sleeping with another man. On 3/18/2020 at 3:23 PM, scooby-philly said: 95% of the sacrifices to make the relationship work. You have always to find balance. On 3/18/2020 at 3:23 PM, scooby-philly said: And if something were to happen, you keep that to yourself until the appropriate time to share. You are right! Link to post Share on other sites
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