What was this?

[JacobJ29]

I’m confused about what my previous relationship was – was it real love, or was I love bombed and dating a narcissist?

Right at the beginning, and I’m talking 2-3 weeks in, the following would be proclaimed frequently:

-          Love – lots of it, constantly ‘I love you’.

-          Compliments, praise. I’m the best person in the world

-          Lots of amazing sex

-          I can see myself having children with you

-          I can see myself relocating to be near you

-          She called it a relationship 1-week in.

I was naive and to me all the above was amazing – I was flattered and taken by surprise; this amazingly attractive girl was saying all this to me…me?? what guy would ignore that?

I didn’t, and it progressed into a full relationship. We had a positive 3 months until it started to get sour, and by sour, I mean the following personality traits started to come to the fore more and more frequently:

-          Needy – always needed me to be at her beck and call – I’d get grief if I wasn’t.

-          Demanding of attention and actions (tidying the home, going shopping, cooking)

-          Manipulative – she’d try and turn me against my family and friends in favour of her etc. (holidays etc)

-          Withdrawal of affection if she didn’t get what she wanted

She would lose her temper easily and was very much 0-60 – she couldn’t handle the unexpected and if something changed, she’d flip out and the person nearest (notably me) would face the wrath of anger (not physical I’ll add) – even if I hadn’t done anything…! She’d apologise after, yes, and we’d make up…. but this started becoming more and more frequent.

So, all of this was continuing, and I felt stuck. I started to feel as if I’d been suckered in at the start to ‘love’ and was sold a fairy tale, but at this point my life had been consumed by her and I hadn’t even noticed how little time I had to myself anymore, and how little I saw my family and friends – and if I dared to spend some time on myself, I’d have to suffer the consequences (moods/guilt trips etc).

It was getting to a point where I took leave from work and didn’t tell her, just so I could have some time to myself. I spent time with my family and didn’t tell her, because I knew she’d kick off. I couldn’t be arsed with the grief I knew I’d get.

In the end, enough was enough. I don’t know where I found the strength, but I did…and I ended it. I was brutal about how I felt, and I was guilt tripped again – ‘How can you leave me?’ ‘Yes, I have problems, we can sort them together’ - but I had to be true to me and ignore that and focus on myself, even though I felt cruel. And I do still feel cruel.

I’ve been strictly no contact ever since – I do feel sad, because maybe she did have issues and genuinely loved me – and now I’ve broken someone’s heart. But I guess if I wasn’t happy, why continue? My gut told me there was something wrong here and eventually I listened to it.

It’s skewed my view on relationships though, I’ll find it hard to get out there again I think…. but I’m sure I will in time

[homecoming]

I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor, so please don't take what I'm saying to be 100% true. 

This does, however, sound very much like Borderline Personality Disorder. 

 

Taken from the BPDFamily website:

 

Quote

 

Love - the Vulnerable Seducer Phase:

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as the "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her emotions advance upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshipped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable -- and you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time as the conversation is intense, and her attention, and her eyes are always so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seem too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder idealization.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is happening is not what you perceive to be happening.

 

Love - the Clinger Phase: 

Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here that you begin to confuse your compassion with love, and you believe you're in love with her -- especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women.

"But I love her!", you say.  Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect -- not codependency or rescuing.
If like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. save me!", and her maladies are not simply physical -- her feelings ail her too.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion. But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman-- but she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned into reading your needs. It will seem wonderful -- for a while.

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away. Intensity is her life.

But her intensity is double-edged. The other side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder -- and an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

 

Love - the Hater Phase:

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion -- but when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Unstable relationships are a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Sorry it's so long, but it may help you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I went through something very similar with an ex-boyfriend of mine, years ago now. 

He was indeed (diagnosed) Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Nobody here can accurately assess what her issues are, of course, but many behaviours you describe are consistent with BPD. While that doesn't much for you but identify a possible source of the turmoil, it can help makes sense of the turbulence you experienced. 

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, JacobJ29 said:

Yes, I have problems, we can sort them together’ -

No, that's was her heavy lift to have sorted well before she got with you.

No one who is sane is here to tangle with an emotional octopus.

You did the right thing.  The positive here is that you will recognize these traits long before 3 months and you will extricate yourself from it faster now that you recognize it.

[Beendaredonedat]

2 hours ago, JacobJ29 said:

I do feel sad, because maybe she did have issues and genuinely loved me – and now I’ve broken someone’s heart.

Oh, don't feel guilty.  She is likely going to jump right onto someone new and do exactly the same thing to them.  Frankly, she sounds very much borderline personality disordered.  I'm no doctor but if you google it, I bet you'll notice that she could be the poster girl for the syndrome.

I congratulate you for having the good boundaries in place to get yourself away from her.  Unfortunately there are plenty of men out there that ignore the horrid in her for that porn star like sex and because they stayed, they are shadows of their former selves with little to no self worth, or even self respect left.  Once that happens she leaves them and then they take a long time to recover from the withdrawl pains of no longer having her in their lives.

Kudos for knowing what you needed to do.

[JacobJ29]

Thanks for the responses. I've read up on BPD and holy s***, it's pretty much identical to what I was experiencing.

The constant mood swings, the way she would get agitated over everything (I couldn't even make her jump, because she'd always fear someone was breaking into the house – so she was continuously jumpy). She'd always expect the worst to happen in any given situation, so if the unexpected happened she automatically related that to the worst being about to happen. That's why I don't think I was ever allowed to do anything, or if I did do things, it had to be done in her exact way - otherwise you'd face the wrath.

Regarding sex, it didn't happen frequently at all - but the times it did happen were on the back of me trying to execute an exit plan (I'd tried a few times). She'd then put on the sex show, give in to me in all those ways, and yes...as a typical bloke, I'd end up being reeled back in.

I know it sounds harsh, but I've had to just block her and cut her out of my life. I can't be a friend to her because it'll be no different, she'd be carrying the same issues. Those are her issues to sort herself and I don't think it's fair to 'expect' other people to jump on that journey – not even her closet friends. Of which I’ll add, she doesn’t really have friends…something I always found a bit odd. I don't think anyone could deal with her!

 

Edited March 14, 2020 by JacobJ29

[salparadise]

Yes, it sounds like classic BPD, and a pretty severe case. It's actually a good thing that you got a severe one, because otherwise you'd likely not have figured it out and extricated yourself so quickly. There are tons of threads on here about BPD. Use the search tool. Here's what you need to remember though... you were susceptible. And if she had been more subtle and sophisticated in her methods, you might have been stuck for years. I suggest that you address that tendency within yourself so that you don't end up attempting another major rescue.

Edited March 14, 2020 by salparadise

[elaine567]

She has the "classic" internet/relationship forum/disappointed lover/lay person version of Borderline Personality Disorder/Narcissism, but whether a mental health professional would agree is open to question. 
Truth is, so many with or without mental health problems have similar symptoms, so diagnosing is a complex process and is not for the amateur and definitely not for an upset and highly biased ex.

For instance, it seems to me just about every individual with "issues" will "love bomb".
It is the go to behaviour of the mentally unstable, the manipulators, the abusers, the desperate, the vulnerable, the immature, the lonely.. some will have an actual diagnosis some will not.
So called "Normal" people may also love bomb if they feel they have found someone really special and they want to impress them.
OK some may go a bit overboard but "love" can often make fools of all of us...
The insanity of "love", can turn the most stable into "crazy".

The trick is NOT to attempt to diagnose or call "crazy", leave that to the professionals, if indeed needed. 
Trick is if you don't like it, walk away early doors.
Like so many men seem to do, the OP got caught up in the great sex. He then ignored or put up with all the other "annoyances" to get it.
Bad mistake.

It is a waste of time trying to understand her, he needs to now spend his time looking at his behaviour and understand why he was so willing to stay for so long.
 

[elaine567]

40 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

The number one cause of bpd is growing up in an environment where they were always in a position where they felt extreme emotions.

They have also found why BPD sufferers are so often seemingly "attracted" to psychopaths and other toxic individuals.
They are not attracted, they are created. Living in an unstable environment, causes their BPD. It is the normal human reaction to living in chaotic often scary environments.

[Downtown]

Jacob, I agree with Homecoming, ExpatInItaly, BeenDare, and Salparadise that you're describing many classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, we are not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, we're suggesting you consider whether she may be exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

For the purpose of choosing a compatible mate, it is important to be able to spot strong warning signs of BPD. It does not really matter, however, whether your GF has the full-blown disorder (i.e., meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD").  A person exhibiting 80% of the criteria (thus "not having BPD") will be nearly as difficult to live with as one exhibiting 100%. That criteria is set at such a high threshold that it primarily serves only the interests of the courts and insurance companies.

Some people confuse "spotting symptoms" with "making a diagnosis" even though there is a world of difference between the two. They don't realize that the psychiatric community WANTS the lay public to learn how to spot these behavioral symptoms. This is why hundreds of mental health institutions describe these BPD symptoms on their public websites.

Hence, if anyone tries to dissuade you from discussing BPD traits by claiming that you're trying to diagnose your exGF and are wasting your time, please do not be misled. That is the equivalent of advising you not to learn the warning signs for a heart attack or stroke because you're not trained to diagnose them. And it is like advising a woman that she is foolish to be reading about breast cancer warning signs because she cannot diagnose it.

Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide when professional guidance is needed. 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

[JacobJ29]

Wow @Downtown

I've read that post, and the list of the 18 signs......I can almost write something against each one referring back to a memory with her. I'd say about 90% of those 18 signs were clear and obvious now I'm reading back. Now I know what to look for, yep, but christ for a first relationship this is a bit of a harsh wake up call.

Maybe those signs weren't always directed at me, but they were there towards other people in the form of situations such as road rage or annoyance with strangers etc. It's quite startling at how many of those points I can relate to actual situations over the last few months.

I did tell her straight that she shouldn't be in a relationship. First and foremost she needs to tackle her own issues, she doesn't create healthy dynamics. But she doesn't want to, proclaiming that it's pointless because she'd know better than any 'therapist' anyway. 

So I washed my hands at this point and have broken off all contact. Is that the right thing to do? Because there's part of my screaming that I need to help her as a 'friend', but I can't be the guy who is there helping others fix themselves, because that never ends well for that guy....I've got to look after my own well being.

Edited March 14, 2020 by JacobJ29

[mark clemson]

And, mostly, steer clear of folks strongly exhibiting these kinds of traits in future relationships. Life will be so much easier!

[Beendaredonedat]

33 minutes ago, JacobJ29 said:

Because there's part of my screaming that I need to help her as a 'friend'

You are absolutely and unequivocally unable to help her. Period, so don't even think of trying.

Leave her to herself and save yourself more grief.  It takes years and years of psychiatric care and personal therapy to "help" her and even then its iffy but she has a chance to learn how to manage her off the rails emotional responses.

[Downtown]

I have broken off all contact. Is that the right thing to do?

Yes, as BeenDare states, you are unable to fix or help your exGF. Moreover, she is so unstable that she is unable to trust HERSELF. Until she learns how to do that, she is incapable of trusting you for any extended period. Significantly, when a person is unable to trust YOU, you cannot trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time, as you've already seen many times.

By staying with her, you likely were doing more harm than good. One reason is that you were destroying her opportunities to be forced to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. That is, your enabling behavior was allowing her to behave like a spoiled 4-year-old and GET AWAY WITH IT.

It is important that she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices and bad behavior. Otherwise she will have no incentive to learn the coping skills she never had an opportunity to learn in childhood.

I would face the wrath of anger – even if I hadn’t done anything.

Another reason you likely were doing more harm than good is that whatever you did likely was wrong much of the time. If she is a pwBPD, she perceives you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T. This puts you in a no-win situation.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you will often find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.

Maybe she did have issues and genuinely loved me.

If your exGF is a pwBPD, she very likely did love you. A pwBPD is capable of loving very intensely -- but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, JacobJ29 said:

Is that the right thing to do? Because there's part of my screaming that I need to help her as a 'friend', but I can't be the guy who is there helping others fix themselves, because that never ends well for that guy....I've got to look after my own well being.

Yes, absolutely. You can't fix it, and it isn't your cross to bear. Your goal is (or should be) finding an appropriate mate to enhance your time on the planet. A BPD person is the diametric opposite. It's a terrible and unfortunate disorder, and as much as I feel for those who suffer with it, the people who attach to them suffer more. You need not feel guilty, it's simply not your cross to bear, and it will ruin your life just as surely as it defines hers. BPD people are are unable to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. In one sense, that's all you need to know.

PS: you are not her friend. You are the object or target. No ambiguity there.

Edited March 14, 2020 by salparadise

[Boxerhd]

I just got out of this myself. This girl Made me feel like she wanted more, is drop dead gorgeous, and the sex was mind blowing. In fact everything sounds so similar she might be the same girl! 
My problem is that she dropped me but still has trivial contact. She’s seeing a new guy and someone that she started talking to before she broke it off. I didn’t think anything of it because I’m not the jealous type. 
The sex was so good and the intimacy was incredible and I’m still stuck in it. I think reading this helps. The good moments together felt like I found exactly what I was looking for. 
 

[Beendaredonedat]

Stop the contact altogether, Boxerhd or you run the risk of allowing her back into your life because she will use her charm and Marilyn Munroe sexy innocence to make you forget your own good sense.  It's clear you are still not to the stage of indifference to her which leaves you weak to her manipulation.  Her sparse contact is to keep you tangled in her web in case she finds herself without a partner for 10 minutes.  You answering her validates to her that she still has you attached in some way.

[JacobJ29]

7 hours ago, Boxerhd said:

I just got out of this myself. This girl Made me feel like she wanted more, is drop dead gorgeous, and the sex was mind blowing. In fact everything sounds so similar she might be the same girl! 
My problem is that she dropped me but still has trivial contact. She’s seeing a new guy and someone that she started talking to before she broke it off. I didn’t think anything of it because I’m not the jealous type. 
The sex was so good and the intimacy was incredible and I’m still stuck in it. I think reading this helps. The good moments together felt like I found exactly what I was looking for. 
 

I would certainly block her - just cut off any avenue she has to contact you. You need the opportunity to detatch yourself from her, which is exactly what I've done in my situation.

If you're in a vulnerable position, which i'm guessing you are a little at the moment - like me - it doesn't take much for you to forget the bad times if you're lavished with praise and promised all the intimacy in order for them to 'say sorry', I was pulled back because I was exposed to that and because I didn't stop contact.

It wasn't the right move because it resulted in me having another 4 unforgettable months becoming more tangled into the relationship. Now you're out of it, stay out of it and remove any trace you had. It sounds brutal and harsh but from someone who is going through it now and someone who has been caught out before, it's the only way.

[Boxerhd]

32 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Stop the contact altogether, Boxerhd or you run the risk of allowing her back into your life because she will use her charm and Marilyn Munroe sexy innocence to make you forget your own good sense.  It's clear you are still not to the stage of indifference to her which leaves you weak to her manipulation.  Her sparse contact is to keep you tangled in her web in case she finds herself without a partner for 10 minutes.  You answering her validates to her that she still has you attached in some way.

I don’t think she will contact me again. She’s probably talking to other guys- one for sure. Enough to find validation. Last time she just texted me a message with supplies I need to buy for this virus. I didn’t respond so I think she’ll leave me alone. I don’t want her to but though, I admit. 
you’re spot on with the charm and MM sexy innocence. She’s super soft spoken unless she got mad about something. It would be super good then terrible in a plot second then good again just as fast. At the end there she said she doesn’t see the logistics working out but she was easily falling and that’s why we need to stop. 

Edited March 15, 2020 by Boxerhd

[Boxerhd]

I don’t want to highjack this post lol. I feel for you man. I’m getting there. 

[JacobJ29]

1 hour ago, Boxerhd said:

I don’t want to highjack this post lol. I feel for you man. I’m getting there. 

You're not hijacking it at all, I think we're both in exactly the same boat with the same sort of setup! My problem is that my 'ex' doesn't have any friends or relatives near by, she's like 200 miles from her family. I was her entire life...which was unhealthy to start with. Now I've removed myself from that, she still won't go away - I've seen her pull up out side my house a few times, then drive off again. I blocked her, but I can still see when she attempts to contact me - which is a lot.

I think what finally did it in my head was the realisation that it was affecting my own emotional health, I started to doubt myself and get very anxious in situations - I started to assume that everyone doubted me in the same way, my self worth was really low. Given that I was belittled (quite subtly to be honest) at most opportunites, I'm not surprised that over time it took it toll.

I don't know if you can relate to this, but one thing that happened ALOT was the expectation that I will always be able to read her mind. She never communicated clearly what she wanted and then when I didn't deliver what she wanted, which in her head was clear, she'd flip and say stuff like ''can you do anything'.

[Boxerhd]

My girl was the one that finally called it off and she’s already dating around. She hasn’t come around. She just sent me a text on Wednesday with a list of supplies. Kinda flirty but it was right after she said we shouldn’t talk for now. 
Our situations are a little different because she said how wonderful I am and how hard she started falling that she had to go. 
the behavior during was spot on. Maybe I cracked her shell and it suddenly became too real to her. Why the hell text me though. 

[scooby-philly]

Sounds like my crazy ex I dated years ago. Yes - the isolate you from people, the sudden "switches", the demands for attention and affection, the fast moving nature, especially in the beginning - whether she has BPD or not, all are reasons by themselves to RUN, but when combined - hit WARP SPEED OUT OF THERE! lol. Hope you're hanging in there OP. Just remember, it's not your fault and move on!

[The Outlaw]

Love bombing, ego stroking, manipulating - you name it. It wasn't ever real love. You were only there to suit her needs at the time. Guys and gals like that will say anything and everything to get you hooked. 

[JacobJ29]

Hi All,

I'm wondering if anyone is having a similar situation here?

I recently broke up with my ex, 4 weeks ago. I was the 'dumper'. It was something I should have done sooner, but I kept following the 'I think she'll change' mindset...she didn't.

Anyway, because it's the right thing to do....I went no contact, blocked all avenues (although so I thought!). Roll forward a few weeks and the entire flaming world is in lock down, I know she lives alone and has no family or friends nearby....that played on my mind as soon as the news started to evolve, I know I couldn't envisage this happening but it makes me feel incredibly guilty for 'leaving her' alone at a time like this.

I forgot to block her on Snapchat, in fact I forgot I had her on there. She sent me a message asking me why, after breaking her heart, I continue to do it on a daily basis by ignoring her - how she can't live her life anymore, she can't go on, she can't go to the shops because she fears leaving the house. She said 'You've left me all alone in what is now a scary world, you know I've got no one - how can you do this'

I haven't responded and I blocked her on there too, but i'll be honest I don't know what to do. What's right here? I like to think of myself as a nice guy and at the end of the day this is another human reaching out in a time of need, but I also need to remember why I broke up with her (she was incredibly needy, emotionally unstable, controlling to concerning levels - i left for my sanity. She was making me ill).

Do i just ignore the message and go on with my life...?