"Not Dating", or Telling Yourself You're Not

[Kitty]

I am a lesbian and I have been 'seeing' a woman that I'm very attracted to for about 3 months now. We have known about each other for a couple of years now through a mutual friend of ours, who kept telling us that we should meet because we have a lot in common. We are both Cancers with many other astrological aspects in sync. She called me to go out and 'meet' when our mutual friends had cancelled out on a social evening. We set up a date, and it was a fantastic evening that ended up on her couch. I didn't trust her at first, because she can be flirtatious, and she was in 'play' mode -- just into having fun and no commitments.

 

I was in play mode too, but you know that joke about the lesbian first date and the U-Haul! Anyway, we fooled around on her couch, and it was totally hot, but we (I, especially) decided we weren't ready to jump right into sex so soon. I think we surprised ourselves with how passionate we got. We did talk about setting up a sex date in the future, though.

 

A week passed and I invited her out dancing with our friends. I told her that after our first date, I couldn't wait to ##### her. She was relieved that I wasn't in that 'insta-love-thang' mode, and was turned on by the idea. We had great sex that night. The next day we lingered in bed for hours, talking like friends; and it seemed not like a one night stand, but very comfortable and normal.

 

We had a few more hot dates and sexually adventurous nights. Sex was really, really good, and we continued to spend the following days together (24 hour 'dates'). Through this, both of us were clear that we each did not want to have a dating relationship where we "check in" and talk on the phone every day. We are both independent and have lives and don't want to collapse into another person. We talked constantly about the fact that we were not dating! However, we always made plans to see each other about twice a week, and committed to taking a six week belly dancing class together.

 

One night she got a little too drunk when we went out, and we both just wanted to cuddle up and sleep together. I had always just wanted to be that way with her and she did too. It was wonderful. The next morning, we were talking in bed and touching each other, and we got to a moment where we were about to naturally have sex, but we both decided to pull away and get out of bed. It wasn't at all an uncomfortable moment, but more of a realization and conscious decision. I believe that we started out playing, and this was the point where our feeling for each other would come together with our sex. We decided not to go there, because I don't think that either of us wanted to be careless, plus we didn't feel ready.

 

Since then we've fessed up to each other that we were behaving like girlfriends, even though we were trying to convince ourselves and our friends that we weren't dating. I think we like to think of ourselves as being above the traditional formula of dating, which is silly, because we determined that no matter what you call it, it is some form of a relationship! So we decided to be friends for now and get to know each other better. I think we still act like girlfriends, just without the sex, but I would like to take this time to be friends and get to know her more. We have even talked about setting up some sex dates in the future, which is bulls*** because things will be much more intimate then. We continue to make a point of seeing each other on a very regular basis, but maintain our respective lives.

 

So, now I feel like I want to date her, but not quite yet. Does that make sense? I guess I've been around the block a few times(I'm 35), and I want to try something other than the typical ooey-gooey thing that I don't think ends up being very authentic in the end. We have talked a lot about what we see as being the problems of traditional relationships, but at the same time, how they can be almost inescapable. I'm so fond of her, yet I want to get to know her better.I am actually enjoying the ways in which we are beginning to share with each other -- other than sex, and the ways in which we are affectionate. She is being as skittish as I, and saying that she would not date another water sign, just because she had a bad experience with a pisces. I called bulls*** on that, and told her she should talk to her astrologer!

 

Anyway, I feel a need to check in and see if we are doing OK. I guess I think that proceeding this way is good, but when it comes time to make bigger moves (if that works out), I want to make sure we don't both hold out on each other. Maybe everything will be just fine. I've just never done this before (as experienced as I consider myself to be), and I'm scared to take the risk of investing myself in someone who I feel I could really care about. I'll take any advice or feedback I can get! In the meantime, we are doing our crab dance, and I can't stop thinking about her. I think she means enough to me that I want to take my time and do things right.

 

Thanks for any feedback!

 

Kitty

 

PS: Tony, you are the most level-headed person I've seen giving advice lately. I hope you can respond.

[Tony T]

I don't detect any problems here whatsoever. Maybe I'm missing something. It seems the two of you get along great and enjoy each other's company immensely.

 

You will absolutely destroy a relationship by trying to analyze the hell out of it. As long as the two of you are seeing each other and not seeing others, I would consider this a relationship. The only thing that can happen is that it can grow.

 

What would an official "relationship" stamp on it do for you? It would change nothing.

 

Go with the flow and enjoy yourself. I don't know why but everybody in today's posts is just trying to analyze the hell out of everything. Relax.

 

And both of you are too old to base your lives on astrology stuff...pass that message along for me.