Cleansing my mind of filth

[Roland Deschain]

Hello everyone!

I'm new here so I'll give a brief introduction and my reasons for joining.

I'm a 26 y/o guy and mainly joined here for self-improvement reasons, I figured there are probably quite a lot of people of a similar age and a similar position (and maybe even with similar problems which they would like to address).

My problem is that I believe I have a dependency on a certain part of the online world (I'm guessing you guys probably know what I'm talking about).

It has gotten to the stage where I would like to address this problem and remove it from my life for the following reasons:

1. I am an emotionally intelligent guy; I love reading and can resonate with characters in books - I believe I appreciate the beauty of the world and the inherent beauty of the human existence, despite it's struggles. My online habit reduces me to an animal/machine hybrid where immediate gratification is the only thing on my mind - it is this bit of it I hate most, which leads onto the next reason;

2. I feel disgusted with and ashamed of myself when I give in to this habit - I look back and think ''I did not know myself'' whilst I was engaged with it.

3. Indulging in this habit does not satiate it, it only makes it worse; I want to fight this base and degrading urge and ban it from my life once and for all.

In 2018, I managed to kick the habit for around 4 months and I was very happy with this progress, when all of a sudden, I had a moment of weakness and gave in, I have not stopped again since until now.

Can anyone offer any help?

Just to be clear, I do not want to replace this habit with a girlfriend or wife, I want to be rid of desire and lust for the rest of my life so that I can live a productive and virtuous life without ever having to feel disgusted with myself again.

As you will probably have guessed, I have never been intimate with a woman and have never had a girlfriend or wife. I believe people would be shocked at this if we were to meet in person - I believe my problem has a lot to do with this.

Again, I do not want a girlfriend or wife - I am content with being a virgin for the rest of my life. My issue is with wanting to cleanse my mind of filth.

I appreciate this is a long post for an introduction (despite my saying that I would keep it brief) so, if you managed to read the whole thing, I am indeed grateful and would be even more grateful for your help.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

[basil67]

Hi Roland, about a year ago you were asking advice about meeting a woman.  Can I ask why this is no longer a goal?  

[Roland Deschain]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Hi Roland, about a year ago you were asking advice about meeting a woman.  Can I ask why this is no longer a goal?  

Hi Basil,

Thanks for your reply.

I feel as though I am at a critical point in my life and career and want to make the most of it whilst I still can.

Plus I have 2 hobbies that I am incredibly passionate about and that provide me with much fulfillment.

Being content with everything in life apart from having a porn habit, I've decided not to bother with females and just concentrate on improving myself.

My hobbies and career and 2 elements of this goal, and the other is ridding myself of this habit.

I hope this clears it up and my apologies as this was unclear from my original post.

Thanks again.

[d0nnivain]

Part of changing any behavior is will power.  You may also need a substitute thing to do.  So when you feel like giving into your urges, take a walk or deep clean your house.  Call a friend.  Post here, although having your computer open may be more of a temptation.  

If you search how to stop a porn addiction you will get more advice. 

[Roland Deschain]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Part of changing any behavior is will power.  You may also need a substitute thing to do.  So when you feel like giving into your urges, take a walk or deep clean your house.  Call a friend.  Post here, although having your computer open may be more of a temptation.  

If you search how to stop a porn addiction you will get more advice. 

Hi D0nnivain,

 

Thanks for your help here.

I remember you from my previous posts a while back

I have already gotten rid of everything on my pc and immediately feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I agree with you with the hobbies, although I already have 2 that I am very passionate about - although they are solitary activities which could easily be turned into social activities.

This should be my next step I think.

Thanks again and have a good weekend.

 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

Just to be clear, I do not want to replace this habit with a girlfriend or wife, I want to be rid of desire and lust for the rest of my life so that I can live a productive and virtuous life without ever having to feel disgusted with myself again.

As you will probably have guessed, I have never been intimate with a woman and have never had a girlfriend or wife. I believe people would be shocked at this if we were to meet in person - I believe my problem has a lot to do with this.

Again, I do not want a girlfriend or wife - I am content with being a virgin for the rest of my life. My issue is with wanting to cleanse my mind of filth.

 

Just my opinion - the perception of natural urges to have sex as "filth" is the actual problem here. You may be able to sublimate these urges, ignore them, convince yourself that "you no longer have them", and attain a state of denial about them. They will still be there. You will just have convinced yourself you have "beat them" and be in denial, much like a hoarder who convinces themselves that their living situation is "fine" even though they live in essentially a pile of trash.

In my personal view, a much more psychologically healthy approach would be recognizing that these urges are a natural byproduct of your body and brain in combination, that relieving them is a healthy and normal thing that many if not the vast majority of people do, that you're only human, and that you need to take care of "bio things" once in a while (if not more frequently). You don't punish yourself with shame over defecating, why do so over masturbation?

That would be my take. Maybe that doesn't work for you. If so, see my first para above for suggestions. Denial seems to "work great" for lots of people in this world.  Good luck.

[IndigoNight]

There are websites that deal with this specific issue. If you Google search terms for it, you will find one called NoFap, and it's sole purpose is to help those who are addicted to online graphic entertainment, and to help their significant other understand. It's a very supportive website with some very helpful information. You might want to check it out OP.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, as many men, and women, are in a similar situation as yours. If your want help, it is available, and I hope that you will check out the website I mentioned, or one of the many others that can be found online.

The first step is admitting that it's causing a problem in your life. The second step is asking for, or seeking help. Both of which you have now done. The hard part is following through, and doing what it takes to regain control of your life.

I wish you luck. It's not an easy addiction to overcome. 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 3/14/2020 at 4:52 AM, Roland Deschain said:

Being content with everything in life apart from having a porn habit, I've decided not to bother with females and just concentrate on improving myself.

I'm with Mark on this one, afraid you'll find your two-pronged approach of solitude and abstinence to be a losing battle.

Roland, have you ever tried fixing a leak?  You can patch, caulk and seal all day long, but the water eventually finds a way.

Why not put that energy into a relationship?  While the road has twists and turns, there's someone out there for everyone...

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

As others have suggested, I believe solitude and abstinence to be a losing battle.  In my life, I've found that porn is a substitute for the real thing.  Get satiated with enough of the real thing, and the porn goes away.  But sexual urges are chemical in nature, and must be satisfied or they will not be controlled.  A GF or a wife might solve that for you, but often at the price of some of your money and time.  We don't get it all in this life.

[ChatroomHero]

I wonder if not wanting to engage women is a reaction to something and not exactly a choice made out of good purpose. I don't know obviously but I wonder if it is due to embarrassment from being a virgin, you get deeply hurt by rejection, low self-esteem, poor skills with women, etc. If you effectually just gave up to give yourself a feeling of being in control, I think that is really going to go bad. What I mean is (I mean this nicely, please understand), if you couldn't get laid in a carpet factory, your hopelessness and despair might push you to the point of saying, "I am not interested in dating" because that is the way you control it...you're not getting laid because you "choose" not to. But that would not be honest and you deep down know that you are still not in control and nothing is solved.

If your hobbies were fulfilling and taking up all of your time, you wouldn't have a ton of time for your addiction and I doubt you would be posting here so I think your addiction is really trying to give you temporary pleasure to help you forget just for a little while during your down time, the hurt and despair you have from not having a meaningful relationship. Again, totally a guess and just throwing it out there. I wonder:

1. Did you ever find "the one" and get rejected or somehow embarrassingly rejected? like you did everything well in your opinion and were completely rejected flat at some point?

2. Have you made several attempts and tried everything you could think of but just can't seem to crack the magical code of attracting the women you want?

3. You want to be 'above' your urges, do you ever feel deep down you have these extra urges exactly because you can't attract someone you want? Meaning you have the urges to fill the void of not having a partner so you think if you 'choose' not to have a partner, you are in control of those urges?

I just get the sense your choice to abandon women is a cover for a problem you can't solve and you think gain you control if YOU decide to be alone before someone has a chance to reject you. Your addiction is covering the pain but I don't think the pain is going to go away just because you 'choose' not to pursue women, you'd be putting a single band-aid on a massive head wound and in the end you'd know deep down that well, all you did was put a band-aid on a massive head wound.

Obviously I may be way off but I think whatever is causing your addiction, is something you actually know is causing it. I'd guess you actually know what the void is that you are trying to fill with the addiction. Pretending it doesn't exist won't make it go away. In those 4 months you were able to stop the addiction, what good things were happening in your life at that time that eased the pain you're trying to cover now, I wonder?