4th date dump

[JiltedJane]

So disappointed you guys. and a little shell shocked.

Three weeks ago i organically met someone in my town who lives right across the street from me. We really hit it off and talked for the rest of the night. Over the last three weeks we would text non-stop throughout the day- literally from morning till night. We went on four dates that all went perfectly. Nice dinners, great conversations, laughed a lot . He opened up to me about his life. We had so much in common it was weird. We had a full discussion (THAT HE INITIATED) about what we were both looking for. He made it clear he was looking for a woman to marry and takes dating very seriously. he tried initiating sex on the third date, but I asked if we could wait since I don't do that unless I know were both exclusive. He said he was totally fine with it.

In between dates he kept telling me how much he liked me and alluding to the idea of us being a couple. Couldn't wait to see me again, etc

So we have our 4th date last night. He asked me what my favorite place was in town and booked dinner there. We played pool afterwards. The whole date he was touchy feely, super flirtatious, and kept mentioning future dates. 

So now the mind f***.... Were walking home and just as we get to his place he says basically "I'm not feeling it. I have no romantic feelings toward you what so ever. I do not think we have any chemistry and our sense of humor is completely different." I ask if it was because I wouldn't have sex with him on date 3 and he said "even if you had that night, it would not have changed the outcome of tonight." Luckily I was able to handle it maturely and said "its okay, if your not feeling it your not feeling it. that's what dating is." And left it at that. I surprisingly have not cried yet, but i desperately want to.

I cannot believe how much this guy duped me. I'm sitting here now just shocked and confused by this odd turn of events. I even screen shot some of our text convos with the sweet stuff he said from the night before and literally that day, and sent it to my sister and friends afterwards and they were also like "WTF?! Is this guy a sociopath?!"

 Thank god i did not sleep with him.

Edited March 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[Fletch Lives]

Sorry about this. It takes a couple of months for a guy to fall in love (if and when they do). Until then, don't count on loyalty.

Now you get to feel uneasy when you see your neighbor. There is a saying: Don't poop where you eat.

Edited March 14, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Vitaminka]

Well, he obviously found you attractive and charming enough to take you out on four dates. Why keep taking you on the date after the date, talk about future plans if he feels no chemistry?

By the way, who paid on the dates?

My guess, and this is only my guess, could be wrong of course is that he only played prince charming routine  just to bed you. He was probably telling and texting you everything you wanted to hear just to get you into his bed. And when he realized that it's not going to happen on the date number 3 nor on the date number 4, he said to himself: "Why bother?" 

He could also be a con artist or suffer some mental problems. Perhaps he got scared? 

Count your blessing that he is no longer part of your life.

[SumGuy]

Yah that is total WTF type stuff.  He basically led you on with text and interactions...maybe he was trying to convince himself.  Still doesn't make it any less BS.

In my opinion you dodged a bullet.  His behavior is the sign of a person who doesn't have any idea what they want, or that can look at themselves. Sure he is good at going through motions, but there is nothing behind it.

In a worse case, this could be game playing to soften you up for FWB or some other BS...where he tries to get you to convince him.  Time will tell if he comes back with a lets try again.

[smackie9]

He’s a player. He bombed you with plenty of sweet texts, told you everything you wanted to hear. You put the brakes on and he cut it off quick. 

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, Vitaminka said:

Well, he obviously found you attractive and charming enough to take you out on four dates. Why keep taking you on the date after the date, talk about future plans if he feels no chemistry?

By the way, who paid on the dates?

My guess, and this is only my guess, could be wrong of course is that he only played prince charming routine  just to bed you. He was probably telling and texting you everything you wanted to hear just to get you into his bed. And when he realized that it's not going to happen on the date number 3 nor on the date number 4, he said to himself: "Why bother?" 

He could also be a con artist or suffer some mental problems. Perhaps he got scared? 

Count your blessing that he is no longer part of your life.

he paid for all of them. insisted on it

im so freaked out. i feel like there are NO good guys left out there. It sounds cliche but for the past 6 yrs all i find are guys who just want sex and only sex. they have all been so different in their personalities and behaviors too. I feel like i cannot win!

Edited March 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[Lotsgoingon]

Reminder: texting you all the time is NOT a good sign. It's a sign that he doesn't have a life or that he is riding some emotional high of infatuation. Yes, sometimes texting is great, but you have to take it with a grain of salt. 

So ... drop the texting next time ... someone texting you repeatedly ... I think this guy was on a slight manic high to get into your pants. Why isn't he busy with a real life? Some great activities? ... reading? going out with other interesting platonic friends? ... Texting nonstop only shows you have no life ... or that you're procrastinating on an important task ... or that you're desperate.

Hmmmm ... mentioning that he was looking for a woman to marry .... ..ummmmm .... most people don't do this ... The code language is that you're looking for a serious relationship. Mentioning marriage (even if it's obvious from wanting a "serious" relationship) ... is usually a no-go ... Jumping way too far ... too fast ... He doesn't even know you ... WTF is he mentioning marriage or even looking to get married? 

So these were your red flags: 

1. non-stop texting early on

2. mentioning he's looking for someone to marry (which you NOT have to say ... it's largely assumed for serious dating ... and should only be discussed much much later)

3. And ... he tried to sleep with you on date #3 ... 

4. He didn't give you any clear signals that you weren't his type ... he "led" you on ... seriously so ...

These three actions don't really fit together ... I know it hurts ... but you did indeed dodge a bullet ... you might have met a psychopath ... so crude and robotic was his announcement that you weren't his type ... Definitely this is someone who found your charm button (identify what that is ... so you don't get "robbed" again) ... and he pushed that button ... like a psychopath ... Something sounds REALLY cold about him ... really cold ... or unstable. Feel your sadness ... but know that this guy sounds like serious trouble. 

 

 

 

[preraph]

He could have been reading online about some of the manipulative strategies such as push/pull, trying to gain control over what you do and when you'll have sex with him.  Well, that is a bad sign in and of itself, so I would just let this one go.  There's a lot of crap online about treat a woman nice, then be mean to her and push her back and she'll come crawling.  It's the sign of an immature guy with little experience of his own that he'd resort to something like that.  So don't even think about getting him back.  Not worth it.  

 

A lot of guys act like they're running hot and love-bombing you to try to get you in bed.  Now, if that is all he was doing, then he decided it was the fourth date and he didn't want to keep trying.  Remember, people act like a better person in early stages of dating.  Guys especially, because they want sex.  So a guy can keep up the charm for a little while, but eventually, they have to just stop it and can't take the pressure of keeping it up.  Part of love-bombing is making a woman think you have a lot in common with her, interests and such.  Easy to lie about.  Now, given he is right across the street, you likely do have some things in common, but apparently that isn't his focus.  I'm sorry.  It's not you.  Better now than 3 months from now or after you already had sex with him.  

[JiltedJane]

for the record, I DO NOT WANT THIS GUY BACK, I'm so disappointed and annoyed by this turn of events. I'm almost too shocked to be sad.

[smackie9]

If it’s too good to be true then it is. Don’t be too upset....you held off on sex and asked for exclusivity first. You protected yourself. Everything worked out the way it did for a reason. 

[Uptown182]

25 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Reminder: texting you all the time is NOT a good sign. It's a sign that he doesn't have a life or that he is riding some emotional high of infatuation. Yes, sometimes texting is great, but you have to take it with a grain of salt. 

So ... drop the texting next time ... someone texting you repeatedly ... I think this guy was on a slight manic high to get into your pants. Why isn't he busy with a real life? Some great activities? ... reading? going out with other interesting platonic friends? ... Texting nonstop only shows you have no life ... or that you're procrastinating on an important task ... or that you're desperate.

Hmmmm ... mentioning that he was looking for a woman to marry .... ..ummmmm .... most people don't do this ... The code language is that you're looking for a serious relationship. Mentioning marriage (even if it's obvious from wanting a "serious" relationship) ... is usually a no-go ... Jumping way too far ... too fast ... He doesn't even know you ... WTF is he mentioning marriage or even looking to get married? 

So these were your red flags: 

1. non-stop texting early on

2. mentioning he's looking for someone to marry (which you NOT have to say ... it's largely assumed for serious dating ... and should only be discussed much much later)

3. And ... he tried to sleep with you on date #3 ... 

4. He didn't give you any clear signals that you weren't his type ... he "led" you on ... seriously so ...

These three actions don't really fit together ... I know it hurts ... but you did indeed dodge a bullet ... you might have met a psychopath ... so crude and robotic was his announcement that you weren't his type ... Definitely this is someone who found your charm button (identify what that is ... so you don't get "robbed" again) ... and he pushed that button ... like a psychopath ... Something sounds REALLY cold about him ... really cold ... or unstable. Feel your sadness ... but know that this guy sounds like serious trouble. 

 

 

 

I agree, usually a guy will say they’re looking for something serious or a relationship, not that they’re looking for someone to marry.  

I don’t see why he would go out with you 4 times If he wasn’t attracted to you so that sounds like total bs to me.  As most others have said, sounds like he just wanted sex and when he realized it wasn’t going to happen he ended it.  

 

Oh and yea also non stop texting from morning to night is not a good sign.  Whenever I started dating guys who did that they disappeared fairly quickly.  I think a few texts a day and maybe a phone call are what it should be kept to.

[preraph]

I agree constant texting is bad, not good.  Why?  Because you want a responsible guy who is paying attention to his work and not just up there effing off and going to get himself fired, right?  No one should have time to text all day.  If they do, they need to get a job and do something productive.  

 

Two, if you talk about everything via text, what is left to talk about in person that isn't repetitive?  And you know how annoying it is when someone starts telling you the same story twice.  It's boring.  So get out of that habit.  It's something only teens and children should even have time for (and there are better ways to spend your time, even then).  

[OnlyHonesty]

 

Quote

Over the last three weeks we would text non-stop throughout the day- literally from morning till night.

 

Above is a sign of infatuation, and it's likely it burned itself out.  You asked where the nice guys are....but perhaps you forget.....they have never been in high demand. Yes, vocally nice guys have always been in high demand, but in practice, they have been in very low demand. Dating is perhaps similar to other 'markets' and loosely follows supply and demand over time.

[simpycurious]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If it’s too good to be true then it is. Don’t be too upset....you held off on sex and asked for exclusivity first. You protected yourself. Everything worked out the way it did for a reason. 

This poster is exactly right.  There was (usually always is) a reason it didn't work out.  He was in it for a reason just so happens it was something different than your reason. 

You have to try and not get discouraged and PROTECT YOU.   There are good guys out there you just have to find the one that is best suited for YOU

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I agree constant texting is bad, not good.  Why?  Because you want a responsible guy who is paying attention to his work and not just up there effing off and going to get himself fired, right?  No one should have time to text all day.  If they do, they need to get a job and do something productive.  

 

Two, if you talk about everything via text, what is left to talk about in person that isn't repetitive?  And you know how annoying it is when someone starts telling you the same story twice.  It's boring.  So get out of that habit.  It's something only teens and children should even have time for (and there are better ways to spend your time, even then).  

not to make excuses, but i think the corona virus freed  up his time since he was working from home. but besides that, we always had soooo much to talk about  via text and in person. our first three dates were 8-9 hrS long.

and what makes me soooooooo mad is- he would never mention sex! i'd bring it up in  conversation and he would avoid it.

I'm just so baffled. At the beginning of date 3 he asked me out for date 4 and a 5th date! if he really felt nothing then why the f bother with all the leading on?!

I'm so mad at both of us right now! i showed the screen shots to some guy friends of mine and even they were like " huh???" or my favorite " wow this is bizarre"

[preraph]

Why were you bringing up sex in the conversation? Maybe he thinks you're way more experienced than him because you were bringing up sex. That scares some less experienced guys. Maybe  instead of just trying to get 6 he was afraid because you kept talking about it that you were going to expect it sooner than he was ready or something. I guess we'll never know. I mean he was touchy and feely and stuff so it doesn't sound like he's afraid of sex. I don't understand why he would be touchy and feely if he was never feeling any kind of sexual connection though so I understand why you're confused but it's best just not to let that take up much headspace and just move on. Next.

[JiltedJane]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

Why were you bringing up sex in the conversation? Maybe he thinks you're way more experienced than him because you were bringing up sex. That scares some less experienced guys. Maybe  instead of just trying to get 6 he was afraid because you kept talking about it that you were going to expect it sooner than he was ready or something. I guess we'll never know. I mean he was touchy and feely and stuff so it doesn't sound like he's afraid of sex. I don't understand why he would be touchy and feely if he was never feeling any kind of sexual connection though so I understand why you're confused but it's best just not to let that take up much headspace and just move on. Next.

i would bring it up not in a way of things i like or want to do, but when talking about my job (womens health) or stuff from movies/tv. i wasn't talking about my favorite positions or experiences lol

also, he can't be afraid of it. hes the one who wanted to have it on date 3

Edited March 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[preraph]

Maybe he's squeamish.

[smackie9]

Maybe he's not single at all.

[chillii]

l still dunno why you'd be bring up sexual stuff in convos when he wasn't even mentioning it , that just starts to come across really tacky to a guy.  But anyway , l think he's just one of these fake types that does all the talk and walk but it's more just an auto , fake thing until he figures out where he's at, just goin through the motions, meanwhile he's still sussing it out but you can't even tell because he does the whole drill so automatically. He's a fake in other words , pretentious , a politician, most people would show stuff along the way and you'd see signs and things would be said but he just fakes until his done.

[Realitysux]

Yikes! Unfortunately, people do this often. Wouldn't it be amazing to meet someone, go on one date with, feel every bit of connection, excitement, whatever you are looking for on the first date? I get we are all looking for the same thing but not everyone finds that. What people are doing (I wouldn't do it), but they go out on a few dates to see if there is a connection and it sounds like that's what he was doing. He wasn't lying when he told you what he was looking for. He gave it four dates to see if he could end up with you and he will probably be doing that a few more times until he finds someone he is looking for. 

But I am sorry you got hurt. 

Edited March 14, 2020 by Realitysux

[JiltedJane]

again i was just bringing up stuff from my job and things i saw and heard. never brought up stuff i like or fantasies, etc. 

Also,i forgot to mention another thing he said that just makes my blood boil. he also said last night that "he has been forcing himself to do all this" to see if he would feel anything for me. which i find crazy because after our first date I said something along the lines of "im glad you're still interested in me" and he replied "i wouldn't be texting you if i wasnt really interested. do you think i'm just bored? lol"

seriously WTF????? I cant yell it enough

[mark clemson]

Alternative theories:

- He's real serious about marriage (hence bringing it up) and so is trying to be super nice (to a possible future wife) but also quite fussy and "shutting off" when he decides you're not the one.

- He's gay and in the closet and looking for a beard. He thought you might work but then either decided no or changes his plan entirely.

- He's gay and in denial and trying play het. Hence forcing himself to try to do this.

- He doesn't really understand relationships, and so is "all over the place" while he figures it out.

I could easily be wrong about any of these and have no intent to defend them, I'm just bringing them up because they seem to me like plausible reasons for his behavior.

[chillii]

Yeah l sorta tend to think he was real in that way too that he does hope to meet ms right , the fake stuff is more just in the way he was with you along the way , he basically admitted it right there, like he should be real about it, not just fake it until a bang out of nowhere to you at the end.

Edited March 14, 2020 by chillii

[Noproblem]

Bipolar guy!