4th date dump

[stillafool]

I think this guy was sincere in what he was telling you he was looking for (marriage).  He like the early dates and conversation but tried to force attraction as some people do when they are desperate to find their soul mate.  Upon further dating he realized that the feelings were just not there and was respectful enough to tell you that before trying to have sex with you again on that 4th date.  You probably would have ended up having sex with him on that date if he hadn't disclosed his real feelings.  This is what dating is about.  Getting to know a person to see where it will go and if feelings get stronger with each meet.  That didn't happen and he was honest and stopped wasting your time.  I don't see anything wrong with what he did.

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry. That sucks, but at least he was upfront and honest? This is why people ghost.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. At least if someone  ghosts it only sucks/is awkward for one of you. As for why it seemed out of the blue — Maybe he was trying? I mean you can’t expect someone to be a complete jerk on the date even if they aren’t feeling it. Out of respect for the person you’re dating and also because we’re all human and not 100% certain all the time. We want to give things a chance. 

Edited March 14, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JiltedJane]

hes not gay. i know he is divorced and blamed the ex for everything- probably another red flag.

At this point i honestly think he just wanted to sleep with me and strung me along. I just don't know why he did a 4th date when he knew i wouldn't do it without exclusivity by date 3. And furthermore, kept saying things like he couldn't wait to see me again and how great we are for each other.  Why would he suggest things for us to do in the future on date 4?

And he kept reinforcing how he was such a nice guy. I really thought he was a nice guy, i STILL WANT to believe he is a nice guy. But knowing he was faking it the whole time just makes me sick. Literally sick-I'm nauseated over this. Why text me everyday and all day when you never felt it?

I almost feel conned- as dramatic as that sounds.

Edited March 14, 2020 by JiltedJane

[SincereOnlineGuy]

37 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

hes not gay. i know he is divorced and blamed the ex for everything- probably another red flag.

At this point i honestly think he just wanted to sleep with me and strung me along. I just don't know why he did a 4th date when he knew i wouldn't do it without exclusivity by date 3. And furthermore, kept saying things like he couldn't wait to see me again and how great we are for each other.  Why would he suggest things for us to do in the future on date 4?

And he kept reinforcing how he was such a nice guy. I really thought he was a nice guy, i STILL WANT to believe he is a nice guy. But knowing he was faking it the whole time just makes me sick. Literally sick-I'm nauseated over this. Why text me everyday and all day when you never felt it?

I almost feel conned- as dramatic as that sounds.

 

This thread was truly a puzzle...  

and the ONLY guess that seems logical, is that when you wouldn't  (put out)  on the 3rd date, he attempted a 4th date just to (be sure) ...  and then he ended it.

 

In this day and age, nobody is grossly wrong for wanting  sex on/after a 3rd date...  and nobody is wrong for not wanting sex at all.

 

BUT YOU... need to separate the unique entities which are

(a )   HIM

and

(b )   your investment IN  him

 

YOU did all of the right things...    opened yourself...  were affected in positive fashion...   and later remained true to yourself despite his urgings.

 

To (type) here and ponder doing/learning something different as a means toward greater dating success is crazy, and akin to chasing/dodging raindrops.

Just resolve to put the very SAME person consistently out there  and wait for your pitch.

(* there's no crying in baseball)

 

[Interstellar]

I’d call him the King of False Hope. He wants his cake and eat it too. Maybe he has a false notion in his head that being intimate with you first is like an audition on whether you’d be good wife material, but that’s a fallacy. It comes through getting to know somebody through spending time with them and seeing them in less than ideal situations that truly reveal their character, the little things, how they handle pressure, ie. is she a nag? lol, not on whether she’s a good kisser.

He definitely led you on.

Edited March 15, 2020 by Interstellar

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, you just added a red flag ... You brought up sex and he didn't respond at all? ... not with wit? ... not with anything. Red flag.

Then he on date 3 wants sex ... even though he is focused on getting married ... Red flag ... 

The sex after date 3 ... that was your time to get your alarms going. Something wasn't right.  Texting 8-9 hours with someone you just met--I'm sorry ...just a complete waste of time. People can be so fake in texts ... and again, he should not have had that time. 

I'm gonna bet that there were other weird things he said and did that you just overlooked or haven't mentioned.

[JiltedJane]

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

This thread was truly a puzzle...  

and the ONLY guess that seems logical, is that when you wouldn't  (put out)  on the 3rd date, he attempted a 4th date just to (be sure) ...  and then he ended it.

 

In this day and age, nobody is grossly wrong for wanting  sex on/after a 3rd date...  and nobody is wrong for not wanting sex at all.

 

BUT YOU... need to separate the unique entities which are

(a )   HIM

and

(b )   your investment IN  him

 

YOU did all of the right things...    opened yourself...  were affected in positive fashion...   and later remained true to yourself despite his urgings.

 

To (type) here and ponder doing/learning something different as a means toward greater dating success is crazy, and akin to chasing/dodging raindrops.

Just resolve to put the very SAME person consistently out there  and wait for your pitch.

(* there's no crying in baseball)

 

thank you.

there were so many great responses on here. this one especially. idk y

[simpycurious]

21 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

thank you.

there were so many great responses on here. this one especially. idk y

That is very harsh (perhaps true) and I hope that is not the reason.  If it is, you simply don't need him

[LivingWaterPlease]

Coming in late the discussion but seems to me he's still immature and possibly wanting a relationship and marriage as he claimed, and thought you are an amazing person so hoped he would get the feelings if he acted as if he was. Fake it til you make it sort of thing.

That's a deceitful and/or immature approach but is possible.

In any event, I do think you're fortunate not to have slept with him. Had you, you'd feel a whole lot more taken advantage of than you do now. 

There's someone a lot better out there for you! This guy has a lot of growing up to do. And he does sound very confused.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, my view is that the “I don’t feel it” excuse was utter nonsense. I think he did like you very much and was very much into you. 
 

I think what happened that he was trying desperately to hook you and control the pace of the relationship. However his ego couldn’t handle it when you resisted that control (refusal to sleep with him) and he got frustrated at all the “effort” he’d put in. 
You wasn’t as amenable and as easily controllable as he thought. 
 

I think the shock dump at the end of the date was to manipulate you into agreeing to sleep with him just to “keep him”. He was probably surprised that you accepted what he said so easily and stuck to your boundaries. 
 

Remember someone who goes on and on about what a nice person they are often completely the opposite. 
 

The fact he blames his ex wife for everything is also a red flag and tells you that he avoids responsibility. 

He did you a favour op. 

[Lotsgoingon]

57 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

 

I think the shock dump at the end of the date was to manipulate you into agreeing to sleep with him just to “keep him”. He was probably surprised that you accepted what he said so easily and stuck to your boundaries. 
 

Briliant, Calmandfocused. I missed this possibility. Very good chance this guy was an abuser-manipulator ... and had jiltedjane backed down or begged ... OMG, he would have been in total control of her and that relationship.  He might be searching for his next target as we speak ... and if that woman doesn't have strong boundaries ...she'll be entering into an abusive relationship. 

 

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, my view is that the “I don’t feel it” excuse was utter nonsense. I think he did like you very much and was very much into you. 
 

I think what happened that he was trying desperately to hook you and control the pace of the relationship. However his ego couldn’t handle it when you resisted that control (refusal to sleep with him) and he got frustrated at all the “effort” he’d put in. 
You wasn’t as amenable and as easily controllable as he thought. 
 

I think the shock dump at the end of the date was to manipulate you into agreeing to sleep with him just to “keep him”. He was probably surprised that you accepted what he said so easily and stuck to your boundaries. 
 

Remember someone who goes on and on about what a nice person they are often completely the opposite. 
 

The fact he blames his ex wife for everything is also a red flag and tells you that he avoids responsibility. 

He did you a favour op. 

It's pretty "weak" to blame your actions on someone else AKA: his EX.  That is what is called a "cop out" and is pretty cowardly.  

[Cookiesandough]

Hmmm interesting. You know, it crossed my mind about a power-play thing when he broke it off with her in person face to face in such a blunt way. As much as it’s advised here to be 100% real and upfront with your dates, that’s still an extreme method of breaking off with someone after only  4 dates. People typically choose a less confrontational method like fading out or a text or email...
 

May be on to something 

Edited March 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

I think the shock dump at the end of the date was to manipulate you into agreeing to sleep with him just to “keep him”. He was probably surprised that you accepted what he said so easily and stuck to your boundaries. 

OP has he called and begged to see you again since he ended  it?  If not, it's doubtful he was playing a game.

[JiltedJane]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP has he called and begged to see you again since he ended  it?  If not, it's doubtful he was playing a game.

no, i have not heard from him in 36 hrs. i don't expect to. the trust is completely gone and i don't have time for BS.

Honestly, he acted shocked by how calm i was about the rejection. Twice he asked "Are you sure you're not mad/ok?" and did almost a stepback/defensive move and wince. I really feel like he expected me to cry or completely go ballistic.

Again, its barely been a day and a half, but deep down i really believe he just wanted to sleep with me. there's no other explanation for the amount of buttering up he did and then to admit that he was basically faking it the whole time. especially when he knows a little bit of my back story when it comes to my sad dating history and trying to convince me that hes not like other guys. "Just wait, you'll see. We are going to break the universe if this works out" <------ direct quote/text from him.

Edited March 15, 2020 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

Well bottom line is you had the good sense not to sleep with him so no water off your back.  I would suggest you keep your good boundaries for future dates.  

[simpycurious]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well bottom line is you had the good sense not to sleep with him so no water off your back.  I would suggest you keep your good boundaries for future dates.  

That's good advice.  Stop dwelling on it and trying to analyze everything.  Focus on meeting someone "better" and things will take care of themselves.  To be 

candid, he seems kinda "wormy" to me.

[Saracena]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, my view is that the “I don’t feel it” excuse was utter nonsense. I think he did like you very much and was very much into you. 

I have to say I, too was sceptical when I first read this as a reason. While none of us can truly know what was behind his sudden ending of things, I think there's something else going on here. Of course he may well have just used this phrase as a way of expressing himself/having a plausible out etc

I'd be most interested to see how he acts from now on......whether or not he has 'second thoughts'  in future etc

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

Honestly, he acted shocked by how calm i was about the rejection. Twice he asked "Are you sure you're not mad/ok?" and did almost a stepback/defensive move and wince. I really feel like he expected me to cry or completely go ballistic.

Indeed! 
 

He simply could not believe it! In his eyes you were about to lose a wonderful and special man who was offering you the most magical experience in the universe. Yet, you were calm and accepting about it?  How dare you not recognise how special this man Is???? Pffft!!!

I doubt you’ll hear from him again Op. He’s on the lookout for someone who massages his ego. 
 

Good! He’s really not that great. 

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

no, i have not heard from him in 36 hrs. i don't expect to. the trust is completely gone and i don't have time for BS.

Honestly, he acted shocked by how calm i was about the rejection. Twice he asked "Are you sure you're not mad/ok?" and did almost a stepback/defensive move and wince. I really feel like he expected me to cry or completely go ballistic.

Again, its barely been a day and a half, but deep down i really believe he just wanted to sleep with me. there's no other explanation for the amount of buttering up he did and then to admit that he was basically faking it the whole time. especially when he knows a little bit of my back story when it comes to my sad dating history and trying to convince me that hes not like other guys. "Just wait, you'll see. We are going to break the universe if this works out" <------ direct quote/text from him.

Yea I mean people (especially men) don’t typically go out on 4 dates with someone they have no attraction to, one or two dates maybe but not 4, especially when they’re the ones paying for the dates.  Other than him wanting sex the only other explanation I can think of is the OP might have done or said something unknowingly during the 4th date that turned him off.  

[Vitaminka]

9 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Yea I mean people (especially men) don’t typically go out on 4 dates with someone they have no attraction to, one or two dates maybe but not 4, especially when they’re the ones paying for the dates.  Other than him wanting sex the only other explanation I can think of is the OP might have done or said something unknowingly during the 4th date that turned him off.  

No, I don't think a men would take a woman out four times, pay for her unless he was interested in her. Isn't there a topic few doors down about how a guy asked a woman out  to a restaurant and horrors of all horrors, HE ENDED UP PAYING FOR HER. Just how dare she not offer to pay for a dinner that he asked her to? If a guy is interested indeed - he doesn't mind paying at all. If a guy is not interested, he wines and complains and asks people if he should see that particular lady again. So, yes, to answer your question OP, yes, he was interested in you. Unless you did something radical to scare him off, like being rude to a waiter or kicked a puppy or asked him to finance your car, I don't see a logical reason why a person would go from completely hot to a completely cold.

I would say that he wanted sex, gave you one more change to sleep with him on a date number four. Sounds crazy, right?

Since  sex didn't happen, he dropped the "I am the nicest guy on the planet" act and showed the real himself: rude, cold, uncaring. Can you imagine what would be like to date him?

Anyway, don't dwell on him. Sometimes the universe looks out for our best interests and takes out the unwanted garbage believe it or not.

[JiltedJane]

17 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

No, I don't think a men would take a woman out four times, pay for her unless he was interested in her. Isn't there a topic few doors down about how a guy asked a woman out  to a restaurant and horrors of all horrors, HE ENDED UP PAYING FOR HER. Just how dare she not offer to pay for a dinner that he asked her to? If a guy is interested indeed - he doesn't mind paying at all. If a guy is not interested, he wines and complains and asks people if he should see that particular lady again. So, yes, to answer your question OP, yes, he was interested in you. Unless you did something radical to scare him off, like being rude to a waiter or kicked a puppy or asked him to finance your car, I don't see a logical reason why a person would go from completely hot to a completely cold.

I would say that he wanted sex, gave you one more change to sleep with him on a date number four. Sounds crazy, right?

Since  sex didn't happen, he dropped the "I am the nicest guy on the planet" act and showed the real himself: rude, cold, uncaring. Can you imagine what would be like to date him?

Anyway, don't dwell on him. Sometimes the universe looks out for our best interests and takes out the unwanted garbage believe it or not.

i offered each time to pay or at least split the meals, and he insisted on paying. 

the thing is we didn't even make it back to his apartment on date 4! we had a great dinner, where i was letting him do most of the talking and kept asking follow up questions. i suggest he get the ribs and he said " thats not a 4th date  meal. tell you what... we'll come here for our 10th date, deal?" again very touchy feely with me, unlike the first three dates where he wasn't touching me in public. on the way back to his place, we were cracking jokes and laughing the whole time. even mentioned having our moms meet since they were so similiar.

it wasn't until we got outside his building that i could feel the energy suddenly change. thats when he dropped the bomb on me. 

i'm trying not to dwell, but its still so fresh. one hour im okay and empowered that i didnt sleep with him and stuck by my rules. but the next i'll start crying out of no where because i'm smarter than this. 

reminder- he even said that even if had slept with him on date 3, it still wouldnt have changed the outcome of date 4. 😞

Edited March 15, 2020 by JiltedJane

[Cookiesandough]

44 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Yea I mean people (especially men) don’t typically go out on 4 dates with someone they have no attraction to, one or two dates maybe but not 4, especially when they’re the ones paying for the dates.  Other than him wanting sex the only other explanation I can think of is the OP might have done or said something unknowingly during the 4th date that turned him off.  

It’s not always black & white. Haven’t you guys ever been on the fence about someone but on the dates did not tell them and never showed it? Haven’t you gever liked someone a lot but just missing something crucial you could barely put your finger on, but you figured out it wasn’t enough? 
Yes, he could be sociopath or tried to use her for sex, but maybe he is the type who finds people who wait for sex or have rules about it  to be too uptight... maybe he likes to find out compatibility in that area before investment. Maybe 

[preraph]

20 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

again i was just bringing up stuff from my job and things i saw and heard. never brought up stuff i like or fantasies, etc. 

Also,i forgot to mention another thing he said that just makes my blood boil. he also said last night that "he has been forcing himself to do all this" to see if he would feel anything for me. which i find crazy because after our first date I said something along the lines of "im glad you're still interested in me" and he replied "i wouldn't be texting you if i wasnt really interested. do you think i'm just bored? lol"

seriously WTF????? I cant yell it enough

Well, that was a red flag, but one easy to misinterpret.  Now I'm thinking he is trying to date and find somene, but he's real tired of going through the first few dates to find out and is having trouble finding one he's connecting with.  So maybe he's just burnt out.  But he did reveal he's making himself "go through all this," meaning acting nice and charming long enough to find out if she's someone he's interested in. Oh, well.   

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

i offered each time to pay or at least split the meals, and he insisted on paying. 

the thing is we didn't even make it back to his apartment on date 4! we had a great dinner, where i was letting him do most of the talking and kept asking follow up questions. i suggest he get the ribs and he said " thats not a 4th date  meal. tell you what... we'll come here for our 10th date, deal?" again very touchy feely with me, unlike the first three dates where he wasn't touching me in public. on the way back to his place, we were cracking jokes and laughing the whole time. even mentioned having our moms meet since they were so similiar.

it wasn't until we got outside his building that i could feel the energy suddenly change. thats when he dropped the bomb on me. 

i'm trying not to dwell, but its still so fresh. one hour im okay and empowered that i didnt sleep with him and stuck by my rules. but the next i'll start crying out of no where because i'm smarter than this. 

reminder- he even said that even if had slept with him on date 3, it still wouldnt have changed the outcome of date 4. 😞

Then I’d have to go with you might’ve unknowingly said or did something at the end of the date that turned him off.  

I could see if the whole date was off, but given What you’ve said, sounds like he was super into it up until the end. 

Edited March 15, 2020 by Uptown182