4th date dump

[JiltedJane]

5 minutes ago, Uptown182 said:

Then I’d have to go with you might’ve unknowingly said or did something at the end of the date that turned him off.  

I could see if the whole date was off, but given What you’ve said, sounds like he was super into it up until the end. 

idk, according to him he never felt it, faked it the whole time.

and again, he said even if i had slept with him on date 3, it would not have changed the outcome.

[Calmandfocused]

Jane I know it’s difficult but my advice is not to focus on everything he said during the discard. It’s all utter tosh! His aim was to wound you as much as possible. Like I said his ego was wounded so he said whatever he needed to in order to get the upper hand and ensure you felt worse about yourself than he did. 
 

He did not “force” himself to go out with you those 4 times. He didn’t! Don’t believe this, it’s simply not true.
 

Yes sleeping with him on date 3 would have changed everything! You’d be hooked, infactuated and be doing whatever he likes by date 4. 
 

lucky escape Jane. Very lucky indeed. Men who are flippant with their emotions and words make very poor partners. You’ve saved yourself a whole heap of heartache. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Well, that was a red flag, but one easy to misinterpret.  Now I'm thinking he is trying to date and find somene, but he's real tired of going through the first few dates to find out and is having trouble finding one he's connecting with.  So maybe he's just burnt out.  But he did reveal he's making himself "go through all this," meaning acting nice and charming long enough to find out if she's someone he's interested in. Oh, well.   

yep , still go with what l first said , pretty well around this type of thing,.

And no it was nothing to do with the sexual thing everyone jumps at , you would've slept together soon anyway he'd know that. Sounds like he's done a lotttta of the dating thing , hence all the fake and rolling along until boom.

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

This thread was truly a puzzle...  

and the ONLY guess that seems logical, is that when you wouldn't  (put out)  on the 3rd date, he attempted a 4th date just to (be sure) ...  and then he ended it

But if this were the case why wouldn't he at least attempt sex on that 4th date before ending it with her?  

[preraph]

Maybe he didn't want to take advantage since he knows it's not casual to her.

[Vitaminka]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Maybe he didn't want to take advantage since he knows it's not casual to her.

Or he expected her to make the move. Since she rebuffed his advances last time, he expected her to come to him first. He probably hinted something about sex or her making the move that she misunderstood. Since she didn't throw herself at him....he dumped her.

He possibly took her out on a date number 4, in hopes that she would "prove" herself to him.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Vitaminka
more stuff to write

[preraph]

Yeah, who knows.  But she did say he wouldn't even remotely talk about sex, so...I think he just decided there wasn't a connection.  

[JiltedJane]

6 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

Or he expected her to make the move. Since she rebuffed his advances last time, he expected her to come to him first. He probably hinted something about sex or her making the move that she misunderstood. Since she didn't throw herself at him....he dumped her.

this date we were more touchy feely in public than the other three. he even greeted me at the beginning with a big kiss at the beginning of the date. and the conversation was super flirty and fun. i actually thought "this is great! were getting so much more comfortable with each other."

[preraph]

Well, that's what he meant when he said, "doing all that" because he was just trying to see if there was something there.  There's not and plus you know he's not naturally that way because it apparently was too much for him to keep it up.  

[Vitaminka]

3 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

this date we were more touchy feely in public than the other three. he even greeted me at the beginning with a big kiss at the beginning of the date. and the conversation was super flirty and fun. i actually thought "this is great! were getting so much more comfortable with each other."

See? What do you think all that touchy feely stuff was? It was his way to tell you that he wants and perhaps expects you to sleep with him. He was screaming silently during the date: "I want sex. I expect sex on our date." I think he stepped up his game but you still wouldn't budge. 

 

Actually thinking back to my own dating experiences, I was once in somewhat similar situation. I was young, 19 years old, very shy and very inexperienced at dating.  I started dating some guy whom I met through my friends. He was a lot older. I don't remember, maybe we went out 10 or so times, never kissed, just held hands. I was very shy and he didn't pressure me. He tried to kiss me on the date number 10 or perhaps on the date number 12 (don't quite remember) but I told him that I need more time to get to know him better. He understood. Or at least it looked like he understood.  He was super nice to me on that date. Didn't pressure me any further. Didn't act like it was a big deal. We met one more time. Again, he was super nice. Kind, caring, understanding of my feeling.  He let me know that he cares about me a lot. But after that one more date, he ghosted me. Simply stopped responding.  On top of that he told our mutual friends that I wasn't interested in him and he didn't want to take it further because of mine lack of interest. He took me to his place on our last date and hello????, I still missed the signs. I was very interested in him but due to my inexperience, I didn't handle the situation correctly but he also could've been more honest with me about his expectations instead of letting me believe that everything was fine.  

Not saying your guy is the same here but  it feels like he wanted to punish you for refusing the intimacy.

 

[JiltedJane]

r he said hes been forcing himself since he met me.

why put the time and effort in for three weeks? its either sex, boredom, or hes got a mental disorder.

he could've just not contacted me after the first night we met and especially after our first date. hes the one who asked for my number, asked me out each time and sent me text after text saying how much he wanted to see me again and reconfirming our dates repeatedly.  one of the convos we had before the last date was him saying "hes so excited to see me tonight"

also i'd like to mention that hes the one that asked me what my dream wedding day was like. i just said "idk im open to anything"- i did not want to sound desperate by talking about weddings so early.

i probably could have done something to distinguish the spark, but hes the one who kept adding fuel to it---before extingushing it. i feel like he knew what he was doing or trying to do, and i almost fell for it. makes it even harder to go out there and trust people.

Edited March 16, 2020 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

Just now, Vitaminka said:

See? What do you think all that touchy feely stuff was? It was his way to tell you that he wants and perhaps expects you to sleep with him. He was screaming silently during the date: "I want sex. I expect sex on our date." I think he stepped up his game but you still wouldn't budge. 

 

Actually thinking back to my own dating experiences, I was once in somewhat similar situation. I was young, 19 years old, very shy and very inexperienced at dating.  I started dating some guy whom I met through my friends. He was a lot older. I don't remember, maybe we went out 10 or so times, never kissed, just held hands. I was very shy and he didn't pressure me. He tried to kiss me on the date number 10 or perhaps on the date number 12 (don't quite remember) but I told him that I need more time to get to know him better. He understood. Or at least it looked like he understood.  He was super nice to me on that date. Didn't pressure me any further. Didn't act like it was a big deal. We met one more time. Again, he was super nice. Kind, caring, understanding of my feeling.  He let me know that he cares about me a lot. But after that one more date, he ghosted me. Simply stopped responding.  On top of that he told our mutual friends that I wasn't interested in him and he didn't want to take it further because of mine lack of interest. He took me to his place on our last date and hello????, I still missed the signs. I was very interested in him but due to my inexperience, I didn't handle the situation correctly but he also could've been more honest with me about his expectations instead of letting me believe that everything was fine.  

Not saying your guy is the same here but  it feels like he wanted to punish you for refusing the intimacy.

 

i was flirty and touchy feely back. i wouldve done stuff that night and eventually slept with him if he was open to having the exclusivity convo.

hes 33 and im almost 35

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

idk, according to him he never felt it, faked it the whole time.

and again, he said even if i had slept with him on date 3, it would not have changed the outcome.

Oh okay, Yes. If he just wanted sex I don’t think he would have said that....that sounds like honesty. If he was trying to manipulate sex, he would have left it open to possibly of changing if you slept with him, but he was making it clear that it makes no difference. 
 

I think the amount of men looking to just use a woman for sex is very exaggerated.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Jane ... You're still in denial here. This guy was off--clearly off. He is not some missed opportunity.  You identified multiple red flags and yet you keep finding a way to say you don't understand why he acted as he did.

That's the point! Red flag people don't make logical sense in any kind of easy way. That's one reason you steer clear of them. I can't get beyond him talking about marriage ... and then trying to sleep with you on the third date. If he's so into marriage, there's no rush ... you can't screen a marriage partner in three dates ... 

Credit yourself for not caving to his shocking dump. Credit yourself ... great move... now let go ... we keep telling you: you dodged a bullet. We don't know if it was buckshot from a shotgun ... or a bullet from a rifle ... or a pistol ... we're guessing, but you did dodge a bullet. Take a breath and credit yourself! This guy's behavior would have only gotten stranger over time. And the longer you're in a relationship with such a person, kinda the harder it is to admit how problematic the person is. 

 

[Miss Spider]

This is also why I often ghost people if it’s relatively early like this and I stand behind that decision. No matter what, if you’re dating someone and realize that you don’t like them that much suddenly, they will be upset. There’s no way around that unless you intentionally keep going on dates and drag it out to show them gradually (who does that?) and they still would not be happy I bet. I’d rather people be wondering what happened or think I’m immature than have them malign me as some manipulative sociopath simply because I didn’t want to date them anymore 

 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Rex12]

He was clearly interested in you - unless as others have said he was a total sociopath - but given the fluidity of our thoughts & feelings in the early stages of dating it could be what you would deem a relatively minor action or word that takes things from a hell yes to a hell no.

I'm not sure on the sex part being a deal breaker. If that was all he wanted then he would have played it out with you I would imagine.

Give yourself credit for the way you handled the blunt force trauma of how he ended it. I'd prefer to be ghosted than to have someone say that to my face. Keep your chin up, you did nothing wrong. 

[JiltedJane]

11 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Jane ... You're still in denial here. This guy was off--clearly off. He is not some missed opportunity.  You identified multiple red flags and yet you keep finding a way to say you don't understand why he acted as he did.

That's the point! Red flag people don't make logical sense in any kind of easy way. That's one reason you steer clear of them. I can't get beyond him talking about marriage ... and then trying to sleep with you on the third date. If he's so into marriage, there's no rush ... you can't screen a marriage partner in three dates ... 

Credit yourself for not caving to his shocking dump. Credit yourself ... great move... now let go ... we keep telling you: you dodged a bullet. We don't know if it was buckshot from a shotgun ... or a bullet from a rifle ... or a pistol ... we're guessing, but you did dodge a bullet. Take a breath and credit yourself! This guy's behavior would have only gotten stranger over time. And the longer you're in a relationship with such a person, kinda the harder it is to admit how problematic the person is. 

 

not in denial. im in shock. but this guy made it clear he does not like me in the end.

im just disapointed and like i said , shocked. i just cant understand why he'd waste my time and repeatedly lie.

i forgot to mention, that he kept telling me how beautiful i was and things like "you gotta know you're gorgeous". and in the end also said he wasn't that attracted to me. yet he still tried to bang me.

i'm 99.9% sure this was all a ruse to get laid, but others are saying nah. i'll never really know why or what truly happened. i just keep hoping a genuinely good person comes my way.

Edited March 16, 2020 by JiltedJane

[homecoming]

On 3/14/2020 at 10:44 PM, Noproblem said:

Bipolar guy!

 

Yeah, this happened to me. Was dating someone who'd do this often, even when we were actually involved. Steer clear. 

 

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, homecoming said:

Yeah, this happened to me. Was dating someone who'd do this often, even when we were actually involved. Steer clear. 

 

what specifically?

[homecoming]

48 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

what specifically?

Well, we’d spend a lot of time together. They’d tell me how much they liked me, connected with me, make jokes about marriage, etc. All of a sudden they’d do a complete U turn and tell me they were no longer interested. It started off mildly, the way you described. Then we started dating, and my ex would create massive issues over nothing and dump me. The last time they ended things was the most explosive and painful way I’ve been dumped by anyone, and it came out of nowhere. They never spoke to me again, not even to apologise. 
 

all of that started off in the exact way you’ve described with this guy; not to say he’s the same, but definitely sounds similar

[simpycurious]

Jane put it behind you.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  You did nothing wrong and simply didn't work out.  There some good guys out there

for you. So, get busy finding one and not pining over this dude. 

[stillafool]

On 3/15/2020 at 8:34 PM, Vitaminka said:

See? What do you think all that touchy feely stuff was? It was his way to tell you that he wants and perhaps expects you to sleep with him. He was screaming silently during the date: "I want sex. I expect sex on our date." I think he stepped up his game but you still wouldn't budge. 

 

Actually thinking back to my own dating experiences, I was once in somewhat similar situation. I was young, 19 years old, very shy and very inexperienced at dating.  I started dating some guy whom I met through my friends. He was a lot older. I don't remember, maybe we went out 10 or so times, never kissed, just held hands. I was very shy and he didn't pressure me. He tried to kiss me on the date number 10 or perhaps on the date number 12 (don't quite remember) but I told him that I need more time to get to know him better. He understood. Or at least it looked like he understood.  He was super nice to me on that date. Didn't pressure me any further. Didn't act like it was a big deal. We met one more time. Again, he was super nice. Kind, caring, understanding of my feeling.  He let me know that he cares about me a lot. But after that one more date, he ghosted me. Simply stopped responding.  On top of that he told our mutual friends that I wasn't interested in him and he didn't want to take it further because of mine lack of interest. He took me to his place on our last date and hello????, I still missed the signs. I was very interested in him but due to my inexperience, I didn't handle the situation correctly but he also could've been more honest with me about his expectations instead of letting me believe that everything was fine.  

Not saying your guy is the same here but  it feels like he wanted to punish you for refusing the intimacy.

 

Um, you were a 19 year old girl, OP is a grown woman and he is a grown man. TBH, if someone I went on dates with 12 times didn't want to kiss me I'd move on too and I'm a woman.

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

not in denial. im in shock. but this guy made it clear he does not like me in the end.

im just disapointed and like i said , shocked. i just cant understand why he'd waste my time and repeatedly lie.

i forgot to mention, that he kept telling me how beautiful i was and things like "you gotta know you're gorgeous". and in the end also said he wasn't that attracted to me. yet he still tried to bang me.

i'm 99.9% sure this was all a ruse to get laid, but others are saying nah. i'll never really know why or what truly happened. i just keep hoping a genuinely good person comes my way.

Jane, I'm sure he still thinks you're beautiful and I doubt he meant it was your looks that made you incompatible.  I've dated gorgeous guys in the past that I felt no chemistry with what so ever.

[stillafool]

On 3/16/2020 at 12:38 AM, Cookiesandough said:

This is also why I often ghost people if it’s relatively early like this and I stand behind that decision. No matter what, if you’re dating someone and realize that you don’t like them that much suddenly, they will be upset. There’s no way around that unless you intentionally keep going on dates and drag it out to show them gradually (who does that?) and they still would not be happy I bet. I’d rather people be wondering what happened or think I’m immature than have them malign me as some manipulative sociopath simply because I didn’t want to date them anymore 

 

I agree Cookie.  This is why people ghost because even if you're upfront with the truth feelings are still going to be hurt so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.   So most take the easy way out and just ghost because the other party if going to be upset either way.

[Beachead]

@JiltedJane

I'm sorry you went through that crappy experience.

The foundation for any healthy relationship, be it familial, platonic or romantic..is rooted in love.  And I'm not talking about feelings and passion.  I'm talking about emotional generosity; compassion, understanding, patience, mindfulness, sincerity etc.

Now about this guy..he's entitled to how he feels and what he chooses, but I'll tell you this much..if he was being sincere, he'd also recognize you two live across the street from eachother and would likely cross paths again, after this.  You are a neighbour.  But more importantly, you are a person.  A human being.   Someone who also put in a great deal of effort and time for those dates.   A certain degree of respect and care is needed here.  

Instead..

This man approached you like a guy who was cool with you, only to suddenly cut it off as if it were the most normal thing in the world; no reasonable explanation for his change in behaviour except this:

Quote

I'm not feeling it. I have no romantic feelings toward you what so ever. I do not think we have any chemistry and our sense of humor is completely different." 

He wasn't in this for the longterm.   He had an objective in mind which I think was sex.  The conversations were just a pretense for it.  When you expressed your reservations (Very reasonable), he checked out.   If he was a good catch for you, he'd have exhibited patience and appreciated and valued the getting to know eachother part, of this experience.  Do not feel like it was you as a person that was not enough.  This was about him and his needs.

I know it hurts but you lose nothing.  He did you a favour by immediately ridding himself out of your life.   

- Beach

 

Edited March 17, 2020 by Beachead