4th date dump

[simpycurious]

Beach is right "you lose nothing."  This is not a guy that was going to stay with you once he got what he wanted more than likely.  

Someone that is into you is INTO ALL OF YOU.  He enjoys hanging out and generally just being with and around you.  The whole 

conquest thing with some guys is pretty repulsive.  Find someone who cares about the person you are and not just the physical 

part of you.

[Highndry]

I think he was honest, but a little too honest. Worse, he was leading you on as if there was something there when he knew there wasn't. I can pretty much tell within the first minute of meeting a woman in person if she's somebody I'm interested in long term or not. Which is why, consequently, I don't do online dating and emails and texts and such, but I digress. The 4th date is a real head-scratcher. He never should have gone through with it, and I think he did a poor job with how he blatantly "dumped" you, for lack of a better description. Be wary of guys who move super quickly. They're just like their female counterparts - they'll disappear just as fast.

[spiderowl]

Well I’m really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he’s a sociopath. He turned the charm on full blast and then when you made it clear you weren’t there for anything casual, he switched it off again. Such people have no empathy or conscience; they are just manipulative. It’s like he was saying ‘I didn’t get what I want so now I’m going to hit back at you’, hence the callous break-up.

I know you are shocked and hurting, as anyone would be. Thank goodness you stood your ground over what mattered to you. The right guy will respect that, not try to hurt you. This guy was punishing you. He sounds really mean and cold. Thankfully you got away before you became even more embroiled with him. He sounds like the type that would go on to bully and dominate a partner. You were too wise for him. X

[JiltedJane]

Lmao 

just saw who I refer to as “the neighbor” when I was walking down the street. He clearly saw me. I gave a smile and a wave. He looked at me with disgust and turned around to open his car door.

its like wtf dude... you’re the one who rejected me... but whatever- people are weird

[Redhead14]

On 3/14/2020 at 8:58 AM, JiltedJane said:

He made it clear he was looking for a woman to marry and takes dating very seriously.

 

 

Well, that's not a commitment from him that YOU are going to be "the one".  He's just saying he wants that for himself at some point.  If he realizes within a few dates that it's not working for him and he's honest about that, how is that wrong?  Just because it felt "sudden" to you, doesn't mean anything is wrong with him or you.  He may have been giving the benefit of the doubt for a couple of dates to see if his feelings developed more.  Apparently, they didn't.  He could still have a very nice time with you, feel more excited in the moment and when he steps back he realizes he's not all in.  It's not like he strung you along for a period of time until something better came along.  It was only 4 dates.  He didn't owe you anything.  He said some nice things and probably mean't it at the time, but that is not binding.  It's nice to hear a guy say nice things.  And, when he does, you sit back and observe whether he follows them up with nice actions and consistent, etc.  It's good you didn't have sex.  And, as for sex, there are patient guys who will wait for some time before having sex and still move on after sex anyway.  I always tell women, that the first time they have sex with a man, even if they've waited for a while, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by maintaining consistent contact and seeing her.

Seriously?  A guy takes a girl on a few dates, realizes that there's not "enough there" for him to want to continue, is honest about that, and he is demonized?  It's called dating.  It's a process of exploration and evaluation.  If the tables were turned and you found yourself not wanting to see him anymore for some reason or another, would you want to be bound by the fact, for instance, that the night before you'd been having a good time in the moment and said some nice stuff?  He did you a favor and cut you loose instead of letting you string yourself along just because he said a a few nice/encouraging things over the course of 3/4 dates.

Edited June 5, 2020 by Redhead14

[JiltedJane]

On 6/5/2020 at 3:07 PM, Redhead14 said:

Seriously?  A guy takes a girl on a few dates, realizes that there's not "enough there" for him to want to continue, is honest about that, and he is demonized?  It's called dating.  It's a process of exploration and evaluation.  If the tables were turned and you found yourself not wanting to see him anymore for some reason or another, would you want to be bound by the fact, for instance, that the night before you'd been having a good time in the moment and said some nice stuff?  He did you a favor and cut you loose instead of letting you string yourself along just because he said a a few nice/encouraging things over the course of 3/4 dates.

The reason why he was "demonized" as you put it is because he really built up the momentum of the relationship (texting non-stop, saying how crazy he was about me, the universe brought us together,  you're perfect for me, etc, etc). He then pulled a 180 and admitted he was faking it the whole time and was planning on ending it anyway whether we had sex or not. He went through an entire 4th date, made plans for 5th date, and really built the two of us up only to drop the "i dont like you or find you attractive" bomb. He just wanted sex and was willing to be dishonest to do it despite building himself up as the nicest guy i'd ever meet.

Then three months later i see him in the street and he scoffs at me and looks at me like I'm a sack of dog sh*t..simply because i said "hi". I have not seen, heard, or messaged him since that last encounter.

 Is he a demon or most evil person on earth?....no far from it. But clearly, there is some kind of personality issue there. 

[Redhead14]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

The reason why he was "demonized" as you put it is because he really built up the momentum of the relationship (texting non-stop, saying how crazy he was about me, the universe brought us together,  you're perfect for me, etc, etc). He then pulled a 180 and admitted he was faking it the whole time and was planning on ending it anyway whether we had sex or not. He went through an entire 4th date, made plans for 5th date, and really built the two of us up only to drop the "i dont like you or find you attractive" bomb. He just wanted sex and was willing to be dishonest to do it despite building himself up as the nicest guy i'd ever meet.

Then three months later i see him in the street and he scoffs at me and looks at me like I'm a sack of dog sh*t..simply because i said "hi". I have not seen, heard, or messaged him since that last encounter.

 Is he a demon or most evil person on earth?....no far from it. But clearly, there is some kind of personality issue there. 

I don't disagree that something wasn't quite right.  But, you were buying it.  Getting as excited over a guy yourself after only a few dates because of words and smooth talk  instead of realizing that the guy was a little too pumped up too quickly and stepping back yourself.  You have to take some ownership here and just use this as a learning tool.  When a guy is pouring it on so thick in the first few dates, you should just take it with a grain of salt and manage your expectations and emotions and just observe. 

 

[stillafool]

On 6/4/2020 at 5:59 PM, JiltedJane said:

Lmao 

just saw who I refer to as “the neighbor” when I was walking down the street. He clearly saw me. I gave a smile and a wave. He looked at me with disgust and turned around to open his car door.

its like wtf dude... you’re the one who rejected me... but whatever- people are weird

Now you know to look past him if you run into him again.  Just let it roll off your back.

[rjc149]

Aside from whatever emotional instability this guy was exhibiting, I'll speak from my own point of view -- I'm not going to enter an exclusive, committed relationship in order to make the relationship sexual. That's putting the cart before the horse.

Demanding that a relationship is committed and serious before it can be fun is going to make modern dating difficult for you to navigate without being disappointed and hurt. Your boundaries and expectations are yours and you are entitled to them, but holding out on sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want is denying the man of getting what he wants. It's a conflict of interest, and if there's no compromise, most guys will pursue other options, or start being ulterior. 

Committed monogamous relationships between two mature adults grow organically from a relationship that is already enjoyable and fulfilling for both parties. It doesn't grow from requiring the other person to meet your conditions before you'll meet theirs. Understand that for 99% of men, getting sexual needs met as soon as possible is a key condition of whether the relationship is going to be interesting to them. Some guys are just in it for the sex, some are looking for more. You're not going to weed them out by imposing conditions. All that does is make the terms of your relationship dishonest.

If I were this guy, as soon as I heard that you required exclusivity before sex, I would have respectfully told you that I'm not on the same page, and wished you well. Even if I was genuinely looking for something more. The sex is never worth the wait. 

This guy wasn't forthright with you. That's on him. 

 

Edited June 9, 2020 by rjc149

[JiltedJane]

5 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Aside from whatever emotional instability this guy was exhibiting, I'll speak from my own point of view -- I'm not going to enter an exclusive, committed relationship in order to make the relationship sexual. That's putting the cart before the horse.

Demanding that a relationship is committed and serious before it can be fun is going to make modern dating difficult for you to navigate without being disappointed and hurt. Your boundaries and expectations are yours and you are entitled to them, but holding out on sex as a bargaining chip to get what you want is denying the man of getting what he wants. It's a conflict of interest, and if there's no compromise, most guys will pursue other options, or start being ulterior. 

Committed monogamous relationships between two mature adults grow organically from a relationship that is already enjoyable and fulfilling for both parties. It doesn't grow from requiring the other person to meet your conditions before you'll meet theirs. Understand that for 99% of men, getting sexual needs met as soon as possible is a key condition of whether the relationship is going to be interesting to them. Some guys are just in it for the sex, some are looking for more. You're not going to weed them out by imposing conditions. All that does is make the terms of your relationship dishonest.

If I were this guy, as soon as I heard that you required exclusivity before sex, I would have respectfully told you that I'm not on the same page, and wished you well. Even if I was genuinely looking for something more. The sex is never worth the wait. 

This guy wasn't forthright with you. That's on him. 

 

I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal or anything. It was the third date and i felt like it was too soon for sex.  He was the one saying he was looking for marriage, initiated sex quickly, then admitted he was going to end it the next time he saw me regardless. I was just someone he wanted to bang apparently, and that's ok. In a way it's flattering.....?  

I also don't want to sleep with someone who is potentially sleeping around with multiple people at the same time. I'm a WHNP so I see STDs on a regular basis. They''re not fun for those who have them and actually feel empathy towards others. On the flipside, there are both men and women out there who simply don't care who they spread things too. It sounds paranoid of me, but i'd rather be safe than sorry.

I'm over the shock of what happened three months ago. I actually got over it quicker than i expected and now can laugh it off. It's just a head scratcher to get such a dirty look from the person who rejected you. Especially when I handled it so well and never bothered him after.

Or perhaps he's mad because I didn't chase or beg him. Men like drama too, lol

Edited June 9, 2020 by JiltedJane

[rjc149]

4 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal or anything. It was the third date and i felt like it was too soon for sex.  He was the one saying he was looking for marriage, initiated sex, then admitted he was going to end it the next time he saw me anyway. I was just someone he wanted to bang apparently.  

I also don't want to sleep with someone who is potentially sleeping around with multiple people at the same time. I'm a WHNP so I see STDs on a regular basis. They''re not fun for those who have them and actually feel empathy towards others.

You are 100% entitled to feel that way, I am not faulting you or telling you that you need to have sex before you're ready to. 

What I am telling you is that a lot of men will lose interest in you if they feel like you're holding out. And holding out on sex isn't going to ensure that the guy is looking for more than just sex. 

 

[manfrombelow]

9 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal or anything. It was the third date and i felt like it was too soon for sex.  He was the one saying he was looking for marriage, initiated sex quickly, then admitted he was going to end it the next time he saw me regardless. I was just someone he wanted to bang apparently, and that's ok. In a way it's flattering.....?  

I also don't want to sleep with someone who is potentially sleeping around with multiple people at the same time. I'm a WHNP so I see STDs on a regular basis. They''re not fun for those who have them and actually feel empathy towards others. On the flipside, there are both men and women out there who simply don't care who they spread things too. It sounds paranoid of me, but i'd rather be safe than sorry.

I'm over the shock of what happened three months ago. I actually got over it quicker than i expected and now can laugh it off. It's just a head scratcher to get such a dirty look from the person who rejected you. Especially when I handled it so well and never bothered him after.

Or perhaps he's mad because I didn't chase or beg him. Men like drama too, lol

I think what Rjc meant was that, you had every right to feel that way, and if the guy wouldn't put up with your view, then it only means that you two simply are not suitable for one another.

Edited June 10, 2020 by manfrombelow

[JiltedJane]

I 

7 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

I think what Rjc meant was that, you had every right to feel that way, and if the guy wouldn't put up with your view, then it only means that you two simply are not suitable for one another.

i know what he was trying to say, and I agree me and this guy were not on the same page. My main complaint is that this guy was a total faker or con-artist trying to get what he wanted. When i didn't give in- he did a 180, fully admitted he was full on sh*t, then months later scoffs at me in the street. There are plenty of ways to end it with someone-some are nicer and more respectable than others. And it takes little energy to say hi or give a half-assed wave.

This guy at the very least is a bit of a jerk and not as nice as he made himself out to be.

Edited June 10, 2020 by JiltedJane

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it, be grateful you now have another chance to meet the One and move on. He did you a favor by showing his true colors. This time next year, will this matter??

 

Edited June 10, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I 

i know what he was trying to say, and I agree me and this guy were not on the same page. My main complaint is that this guy was a total faker or con-artist trying to get what he wanted. When i didn't give in- he did a 180, fully admitted he was full on sh*t, then months later scoffs at me in the street. There are plenty of ways to end it with someone-some are nicer and more respectable than others. And it takes little energy to say hi or give a half-assed wave.

This guy at the very least is a bit of a jerk and not as nice as he made himself out to be.

Yeah, this guy has some scrambled wires in the control panel, but my point is that men date because they want sex, primarily. If you are placing barriers for them to get sex, some guys will try to charm and persuade their way past those barriers. Those barriers do not ensure purity of intentions -- they often encourage the opposite. This guy couldn't get past them, so he's butthurt. Maybe he felt like you led him on and wasted his time, which is a sentiment you will get from a lot of guys if you're still turning down sex after date 3. Then again, you were pretty clear with him at the beginning. He thought he could get you to slide on that. 

You'll just need to meet a guy who is on your wavelength, but beware, if you're using sex to get what you want, you're going to see shady behavior from men using you to get what they want. 

 

Edited June 10, 2020 by rjc149

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

. My main complaint is that this guy was a total faker or con-artist trying to get what he wanted. When i didn't give in- he did a 180, fully admitted he was full on sh*t, then months later scoffs at me in the street. There are plenty of ways to end it with someone-some are nicer and more respectable than others.

All true - but - why would you expect that from someone like this? One can always hope for better treatment, but I've found with certain people in this world it's better (more emotionally healthy) to keep one's expectations low. That way you're sometimes pleasantly surprised, but left disappointed less often.

He sounds like he may have narcissistic tendencies, but what do I know. At any rate, now you know to never get sucked back in by him.

[manfrombelow]

18 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Yeah, this guy has some scrambled wires in the control panel, but my point is that men date because they want sex, primarily. If you are placing barriers for them to get sex, some guys will try to charm and persuade their way past those barriers. Those barriers do not ensure purity of intentions -- they often encourage the opposite. This guy couldn't get past them, so he's butthurt. Maybe he felt like you led him on and wasted his time, which is a sentiment you will get from a lot of guys if you're still turning down sex after date 3. Then again, you were pretty clear with him at the beginning. He thought he could get you to slide on that. 

You'll just need to meet a guy who is on your wavelength, but beware, if you're using sex to get what you want, you're going to see shady behavior from men using you to get what they want. 

I couldn't said it any better, especially the bolded part.

Contrary to what most women believed, smart men often bold the moment they "sniff" that you are purposely withholding sex from them just to "lock" them down in a monogamous relationship that either party can break at anytime.

[JiltedJane]

On 6/10/2020 at 11:33 AM, rjc149 said:

Yeah, this guy has some scrambled wires in the control panel, but my point is that men date because they want sex, primarily. If you are placing barriers for them to get sex, some guys will try to charm and persuade their way past those barriers. Those barriers do not ensure purity of intentions -- they often encourage the opposite. This guy couldn't get past them, so he's butthurt. Maybe he felt like you led him on and wasted his time, which is a sentiment you will get from a lot of guys if you're still turning down sex after date 3. Then again, you were pretty clear with him at the beginning. He thought he could get you to slide on that. 

You'll just need to meet a guy who is on your wavelength, but beware, if you're using sex to get what you want, you're going to see shady behavior from men using you to get what they want. 

 

Not an attack on you, this is a general question for everybody. Where does this date 3 rule come from and why do men make it a deal breaker? Whats wrong with dating a bit?

It's so confusing because if you do it by date 3 you;re considered a slut, but other times if you want to wait-you're a prude or trying to trick them into monogamy. It feels like I and most other women I know can't win. 

If this guy knew I wasn't giving it up by date 3 he shouldve just bolted or ended it there. Instead he did the extra mind f*ck with the fourth date, planning 5th, and everything leading up to fourth date. Thats what made the situation so unnerving. It was like he wanted to make me feel bad. Thats primarily why i posted on here. I'm well aware MOST NOT ALL men primarily date for sex, I just needed some reassurance that his actions were bizarre or not normal.

Edited June 11, 2020 by JiltedJane

[rjc149]

17 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Not an attack on you, this is a general question for everybody. Where does this date 3 rule come from and why do men make it a deal breaker? Whats wrong with dating a bit?

It's so confusing because if you do it by date 3 you;re considered a slut, but other times if you want to wait-you're a prude or trying to trick them into monogamy. It feels like I and most other women I know can't win. 

If this guy knew I wasn't giving it up by date 3 he shouldve just bolted or ended it there. Instead he did the extra mind f*ck with the fourth date, planning 5th, and everything leading up to fourth date. Thats what made the situation so unnerving. It was like he wanted to make me feel bad. Thats primarily why i posted on here. I'm well aware MOST NOT ALL men primarily date for sex, I just needed some reassurance that his actions were bizarre or not normal.

Yes, they were bizarre. The guy's got some loose screws. 

You're considered a slut to have sex on the 3rd date in Yemen or in a Mormon bible study class. So, no offense if that's the case. 

There's no "Date 3 Rule" for sex. It's assumed that if a girl is going on a 3rd date with you, there is mutual attraction, and adults who are mutually attracted to each other want to have sex with each other. If one doesn't, then either the attraction is not mutual, or they are holding back on doing something they want to do -- for whatever reason that is generally not interesting enough to go on more sexless dates to find out. Time is better spent exploring situations that will meet one's needs. 

And again, the fact that you consider sex "giving it up" shows you see it as a bargaining chip to get what you want. Sex is not some dirty, taboo thing that a man must prove himself to earn before you reluctantly let him have it. It's natural and fun, and there's nothing wrong with a woman being sexual. 

Edited June 11, 2020 by rjc149

[JiltedJane]

5 hours ago, rjc149 said:

 

And again, the fact that you consider sex "giving it up" shows you see it as a bargaining chip to get what you want. Sex is not some dirty, taboo thing that a man must prove himself to earn before you reluctantly let him have it. It's natural and fun, and there's nothing wrong with a woman being sexual. 

Actually even by American standards the 3rd date is considered both a rule and stamp of sluttiness by some guys. I have a ton of guys friends and male cousins, acquaintances, etc to know that a nice chunk of guys feel this way. It's a lose-lose situation for women.

And not wanting to have sex right away is not something i'm using as a bargaining chip. I'd rather not get used. Idk if you've experienced this, but it totally sucks to sleep with someone and then never hear from them again. 

It's also completely unfair to lie to someone in order to have sex. Telling someone what they want to hear and leading them on just so you can get your rocks off is just plain mean.

I agree its fine for women to be sexual. But NOT when theyre expected to have sex just to keep a guy interested. How is it fun and natural if the woman is pressured into it? If anything sir, you're the one using sex as a bargaining chip for future dates. Its like dangling a relationship above a woman like a carrot on a string.

Edited June 11, 2020 by JiltedJane

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Actually even by American standards the 3rd date is considered both a rule and stamp of sluttiness by some guys.

F--k those guys. Seriously. Don't let them impose standards of purity like that on you. 3 dates is more than enough time to make a courtship sexual. Again, unless you're Mormon or live in a society where they'll stone you to death if they catch you listening to Katy Perry. 

2 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

Idk if you've experienced this, but it totally sucks to sleep with someone and then never hear from them again. 

Sure I've experienced it. It does kind of suck, but you have to play to win. And playing means you lose sometimes. Dating can result in pain. If you want to avoid that pain, avoid dating. 

4 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

If anything sir, you're the one using sex as a bargaining chip for future dates. Its like dangling a relationship above a woman like a carrot on a string.

Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex. It's an age-old adage. So you can either play along, or not play at all. There is nothing you can do to ensure the guy you are seeing has pure, genuine intentions. You'll have to find that out with time spent with the person. 

If you're attracted to a guy, you should want to have sex with him. Not feel like you have to in order to keep him interested. That's what I'm saying. 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

3 dates is more than enough time to make a courtship sexual.

That is only your opinion...

[rjc149]

46 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is only your opinion...

I don't think that opinion is some wildly aberrant outlier. 

But, if she needs more time to be comfortable, she is entitled to taking her time. All I know is that if on date 3, I'm making moves and she says "wait, I don't want to yet," I will smile, nod, be on my way, and start meeting new women. It's never worth the wait. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, JiltedJane said:

Actually even by American standards the 3rd date is considered both a rule and stamp of sluttiness by some guys.

Hmm. So people are inconsistent, different people have different views/opinions about what's reasonable or "slutty", what works for some doesn't for others, some people manipulate and/or bargain around sex and other things they want such as relationships, and either party in a dating arrangement can leave at any time for any reason they want, including lack of or expectation of sex. In other news...

That's life. Deal with it. You may have noticed there's no shortage of human beings around, so clearly we're somehow managing to reproduce, raise families, etc, despite each others' inconsistencies. If you really can't do sex by date 3 just keep dating. You're eventually very likely to find someone you like who'll wait, it'll just take you longer and be more frustrating than it otherwise would. C'est la vie.

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. So people are inconsistent, different people have different views/opinions about what's reasonable or "slutty", what works for some doesn't for others, some people manipulate and/or bargain around sex and other things they want such as relationships, and either party in a dating arrangement can leave at any time for any reason they want, including lack of or expectation of sex. In other news...

That's life. Deal with it. You may have noticed there's no shortage of human beings around, so clearly we're somehow managing to reproduce, raise families, etc, despite each others' inconsistencies. If you really can't do sex by date 3 just keep dating. You're eventually very likely to find someone you like who'll wait, it'll just take you longer and be more frustrating than it otherwise would. C'est la vie.

this whole post originally was started to discuss the 180 this guy did. At the time i couldnt wrap my head around what happened. He only wanted sex, thats fine. but don't make me think youre a saint when your plan the entire time was to hump and dump. then  turn around and basically say i suck and am unattractive. 

the update was only to comment on the absurdity of this guys reaction when i gave a simple hi and wave. 

I realize dating is going through a pool of people to see who you're compatible with and who has the same standards and end goals as you, and that it takes time. But lets be honest, if i banged every guy whos tried to sleep with me, my number would be astronomical. 

Serious question for the guys out there: You're telling me you wouldn't be judgmental of a girl who slept with 100 dudes opposed to only 10?