Am I just a crutch?

[Starswillshine]

19 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I think you did everything right and I’m glad you got the true facts. I wish my xmm’s BS had asked for my opinion or info about what had happened. She blames me for everything. She thinks I set out to get her man which is so far from the truth. She seems to think he was brain washed or something. I guess not all BS act like you did. Listening to lots of stories on this thread I think you are the exception to the rule. A lot of BS just forgive and take back WS and blame the OW/OM. They believe WS lies as it makes them feel better that they’ve taken back a deceitful, cheating spouse. Otherwise it doesn’t sit well with them. 

In this way, I think BSs and OWs are a lot alike. They all want to believe the MM/WH loves them and they are special, etc. 

I did not blame the OW for the affair happening. I do blame her for her part in the pain all caused to everyone. And I, of course, blame her for all the craziness that she threw at me for years afterwards. I think she has finally moved on. However, we did have many cordial conversations trying to piece together all the lies, half truths, etc. Both of us trying to understand what was real, what was lies, etc. She admitted to me that she allowed herself to view me as a controlling wife who made him take me on these lavish vacations (in fact it was the opposite) and spent all his money on designer things (this isnt me). Basically she took me as some spoiled housewife with a rich husband who I didnt appreciate. Which couldnt be further from the truth. While the housewife part is true, the roles were flipped on everything. I was the saver, rather spend money on cheaper clothes, etc. Anyway, basically he lied to her, he lied to me. He was at least honest that he was happily married and never planned to divorce. But she made me to be this awful human. 

The only basis I have to call her crazy is based on what she did to me. I do not think most OW are crazy and nuts. I have had enough evidence to get a restraining order due to the amount of stalking. She has herself told me that I am the cause of why they cannot be together now. But anyway.... neither here nor there. 

Serial cheaters have serious personality flaws that cause them to be this way. It does not change. Women get caught into this idea that they may change if it is someone he truly loves enough. Maybe that is true in an extreme small fraction of cases. I would just not be willing to risk my time with someone whose actions show he is not to be trusted. 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Starswillshine
Typos

[Amethyst68]

On 3/16/2020 at 1:15 PM, Beca L said:

These women / men are just as weak as us OW/OM they are also unable to walk away from these entitled, lying manipulative cheats.
It’s the sad truth. 

I don't see them as weak, they're often fighting for a marriage, a family that's decades old, sometimes upwards of 30, 40 or even 50 years together. That's a lot of living, loving, crying even fighting together. I can understand trying to stay together. It's not weak, it takes a lot of strength. Remember you don't know what's going on behind closed doors, you have no idea what the discussions and actions between the spouses are  truly like. Of course you'd be happy if the 'weak' BW in your situation got strong as you describe it because you'd get your MM.

There are those BS who stay because if they leave they will have to split their time with their kids and they're not willing to that. Or those who would see a drastic fall in their standard of living and again are not willing to suffer so stay in some kind of limbo forever. I say it wouldn't be me but I've never been there so that could change tomorrow.

The thing is I don't know of many countries these days where you need both spouses permission to get a divorce so the argument of the controlling BS not letting go doesn't really hold up. It's the consequences of leaving the WS may not like.

All of this is just my honest opinion.

[2BGoodAgain]

When you're addicted to the way a person makes you feel... whether a fantasy escape from reality (your marriage, his marriage).. it's kinda a fantasy for the both of you... and your body/brain craves that good feeling...

you say why risk it, if it isn't true... many addicts risk everything.... even though logically they know they shouldn't b/c the risk/benefit analysis screams no... when you're addicted to a certain feeling, you do anything for that next high...

many wiser people above, have already said what you already know deep inside... i'm sure what he feels may be what he thinks he feels, but is it real, i think your question is.

It can be real... but only if you both face the reality of what you two are doing... and moving forward, you two... address that reality and make changes to make it work... otherwise, it's just fantasy that you wish it to be true, but in reality it really isn't. It's just fantasy.

I wish you better times... b/c it's gonna get much worse before it gets better... it will hurt... a lot.

Good luck.

[Beca L]

29 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I don't see them as weak, they're often fighting for a marriage, a family that's decades old, sometimes upwards of 30, 40 or even 50 years together. That's a lot of living, loving, crying even fighting together. I can understand trying to stay together. It's not weak, it takes a lot of strength.

Ok I get your point but I think that’s just nostalgia. Affairs are not the cause of a marriage break down but sometimes just the symptom. These marriages were on the rocks for months or even years before the affair happened. What are they really fighting for ? If a marriage is over it’s like flogging a dead horse. You remember all the good times and the effort put in over the years, children shared, special times etc but ultimately if you are no longer happy with that person and you are not living a true, honest and fulfilling life then make plans to divorce. It takes much more strength to divorce and move on and I truly believe that. WS and BS take the easier option, the safe secure option. They go back to what they know and keep flogging away at it. The OW and OM are ceremoniously dumped, left heartbroken and devastated. They were promised a mirage. 

[MadlyDeeply]

Beca L yours is actually one of the stories I have been following, it must have been hell for you, one minute thinking you are with the man you want to spend forever with, then your dream is taken away after a year together, makes me feel so sad for you. You have been so strong these last few weeks, your doing so well. Does each day feel bit better now? Do you regret meeting him now, even as a friend? I've always said I won't regret meeting mine as how can you regret loving someone even though the pain is so bad, it's part of your life. I can imagine the same happening with my mm if we ever got that far, think I would be worrying he is missing her after all their years together, as life with her is all he has ever known, he is like a man child your right there. If his W leaves, we have said we will carry on seeing each other but live separately to get to know each other properly and for my children to grow up. Yes they would sell their house and children would have to rent or choose who to live with. He thinks she might be having an a herself but I think he is just being insecure as she goes out alot drinking which he doesn't like. I feel so up and down with my feelings and emotions, would be wonderful not to be thinking about this all the time. I agree also an a is a symptom not the cause if a marriage breakdown. Mm and W have been on the rocks for a long while before I came along but he still says he loves her but just not how he should, loves the history shared and her just there. 

Bailey you are so right, I would be worrying all the time about what is he up to, I do struggle with what he says now but want to believe him cause how much I love him. It would probably only get worse. 

Starswillshine I'm so sorry you have been through all that, did you say your happy with someone now, I really hope so. I think the mm makes the W and the ow crazy to some extent, I feel emotionally crazy now with all this rubbish. I would never be like the experience you had with ow. I feel so sorry for his wife, she has found him being unfaithful twice throughout their marriage, she doesn't realise how bad he really has been. I probably know more about him than her. He always tells me to forget his past and it's me he wants but it's so hard to believe a cheater/liar. I know I'm one but it's my first and last a and I've not lied to my mm at all even when he would rather me have. When we are together, he seems so genuine but they do don't they!

Tobegoodagain thank you for your wishes. My mm often says he loves the way I make him feel and I make him feel young again too as he is 15yrs older. I love the way he makes me feel but also hate the times he makes me feel bad.  

Thanks again Xx 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

I do struggle with what he says now but want to believe him cause how much I love him.
He always tells me to forget his past and it's me he wants but it's so hard to believe a cheater/liar.  When we are together, he seems so genuine but they do don't they! 

I feel so sorry for his wife, she has found him being unfaithful twice throughout their marriage, she doesn't realise how bad he really has been. I probably know more about him than her.

You are really struggling with whether to believe him or not, and I’m honestly not sure why.

You do have information that his wife does not have - be glad for that!  You know that he lies to her every. single. day. You know that he lies to his children. His friends. His family. 

And yet, you want to believe him so badly because - you “love” him so much? This man who has lied to his wife and betrayed her not once, but multiple times. You “love” him so much that you are considering taking that knowledge and dismissing it? 

You need to keep challenging your thinking - every time you think of this man, don’t let the story you tell yourself be “He has lied, but I love him so much... I want to believe him, maybe he can be trusted, maybe it’s me he truly loves...” Instead, tell yourself “This man is a proven liar. He is not to be trusted and I love myself more than to allow myself to be used by a man who is not to be trusted.” 

Friend, you can “love” a man and still not be their friend/partner because it is not in your own best interest. I hope you understand this.

Edited March 17, 2020 by BaileyB

[MadlyDeeply]

Thank you Bailey, i think because i know i have to lie to keep seeing him (I'm not a natural) I think he has to as well so i let him off. If he didn't lie we couldn't see each other! 
I like your last paragraph Bailey.
Friend, you can “love” a man and still not be their friend/partner because it is not in your own best interest. I hope you understand this.

I also need to keep thinking as much as i love him, I could never trust him therefore having any type of relationship with him would not be in my own best interest. 

Next time I see him I will keep these thoughts in my mind. I need to start loving myself so much more, at the moment I love him more than I love myself. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Beca L yours is actually one of the stories I have been following, it must have been hell for you, one minute thinking you are with the man you want to spend forever with, then your dream is taken away after a year together, makes me feel so sad for you. You have been so strong these last few weeks, your doing so well. Does each day feel bit better now? Do you regret meeting him now, even as a friend? I've always said I won't regret meeting mine as how can you regret loving someone even though the pain is so bad, it's part of your life.

Thanks, it has been really tough and I'm still trying to cope. I go for a few days with a positive mind set, thinking I'm doing really well and then I pass him coming out of the toilet as I'm going in (they are right next to each other) and it totally throws me. I was planning a future with this person, we talked of marriage and retiring abroad and now we can't even speak, its heartbreaking. I sometimes regret getting involved with him, I wish I had said from the onset that I wouldn't have anything to do with him unless he was officially separated or divorced. However I didn't, that's what I regret. He probably would never have left in the beginning unless he had me lined up as his contingency plan. I still feel terribly sad about the whole thing and cross with myself that I secretly still hold a crack in the door open for him. I wish I could try to move on but when you've loved so deeply it's hard to switch off those feelings. 

I read BaileyB 's posts and she keeps me grounded and in the reality of the situation you and I are both in. These MM are terrible individuals really, they lie, cheat, manipulate, they are cowardly, weak and very very selfish. I hope you are feeling better today and you are doing the right thing staying in NC. Maybe things will work out for you but be cautious, don't believe anything he says, wait for the divorce papers, new home and begging and grovelling and then decide if you wanna be in a relationship with him. Stay strong. 

[MadlyDeeply]

Beca L do you think he ever really loved you or just loved how you made him feel? Cause if he really loved you how could he leave to go back to W and how does he cope i wonder seeing you? Do you think after a while you will be able to talk again? I don't know what is best to be honest. I have not even said goodbye yet, just keep thinking I have to for the sake of my children, h, my health and metal well-being! I will see him all the time as we live so close by, I see him coming and going! Also he is friends with my husband. I was thinking because I love him so much at least by seeing him I will know how he is and what is going on in his life, even though will be so painful at beginning. On the other hand not seeing him at all I think would be helpful to begin with but later to not have him in my life at all would be unbearable. It's so hard my head is being so strong and sees his bad sides and knows what to do but my heart keeps reminding me of his kind softer fun side, he is like two different people. I don't know what I would do without the support of everyone on here. I have friends but only three of them know and I must bore them to tears with it all! 

[Starswillshine]

12 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said:

 

Starswillshine I'm so sorry you have been through all that, did you say your happy with someone now, I really hope so. I think the mm makes the W and the ow crazy to some extent, I feel emotionally crazy now with all this rubbish. I would never be like the experience you had with ow. I feel so sorry for his wife, she has found him being unfaithful twice throughout their marriage, she doesn't realise how bad he really has been. I probably know more about him than her. He always tells me to forget his past and it's me he wants but it's so hard to believe a cheater/liar. I know I'm one but it's my first and last a and I've not lied to my mm at all even when he would rather me have. When we are together, he seems so genuine but they do don't they!

Thanks! And yes, I am happy in a new relationship. It has been about 2 years that we have been together. Though, it has been a very hard road learning to trust again. I am still not there. The only reason this works is because he is understanding as his ex cheated on him. We also knew each other for years prior to our relationship which is how this all came to be. As I think I would still not be looking for a relationship. We were friends who bonded over similar circumstances. But my ex did a number on me. And after looking back, and learning of all the affairs (he told his OW about them, and gave names, which is how I came to know there was more), my two decades spent with him were all fake. All lies. While I cannot regret it because we have 4 beautiful children whom I adore, I feel like everything, besides them, were taken from me because none of it was real. So every memory I have, it is now tainted. Twenty years down the drain. 

The OW in my case is a different sort of person. I think she has some severe obsessive issues that hopefully she is getting help for. But he did make me crazy and I know it contributed to her breakdown as well. It is absolute crazy making to be gas lighted for so long. When the first DDay came (and they were multiple but it was different layers of the affair that came out, less than the continuous of an affair so to say), he lied and told me a different person, in a different country even. (And no doubt she was probably an OW at one point too). And he told me they were only sexting. I believed it because he never went there anymore. Just once. Because he had a trip to the real OW's town the next week. When he returned from that trip, one night he broke down crying. Couldnt believe that his immature behavior has hurt everyone so much. Blah blah blah. I mean, the man who a complete sobbing mess. He was so sorry. He was going to make it all up to me and the kids. He was going to be the best husband that he could be and prove himself worthy. He begged me to give him at least 2 months to prove himself before kicking him out and he promised I would not regret it. But remember at this point, all he copped to was that he was sexting some girl a d she was married. And again, I believed that it was limited to that because of the distance. That she was married. And she didnt have a job that required travel (she was a bartender). But it was all lies. Who the girl was. That it was just sexting. And where she was. The night before this meltdown, he was in a hotel room with his OW. Right after spending 3 hours on the phone with me explaining exactly how he got to this point. How he was weak, egotistical, gotten to his head, etc. There was tears then and promises. Etc. 

So when I found out the truth. It broke me. How can someone be like this? It terrified me. How can someone seem so real. So much emotion? I actually felt bad for HIS pain and guilt. But he knew what cards to play on me. I am extremely empathic person. So he knew to throw on the waterworks. 

He made me crazy. He made her crazy. The other OW were just casual chicks. One I spoke to said he told her he was divorced (which is what he told his other OW). And they would just hangout when he was in town. They both just had this understanding that he lived far away, both super busy, no one needing any relationship, so it was just casual. She was the only one who was not some sort of bartender or waitress. She is the polar opposite of me. But not in a bad way, all in good ways. Just she was the career girl who was single without kids and enjoyed that. I was the SAHM of 4 very active kids. Overwhelmed. I went out with my girlfriends maybe once a month. 

Anyway, I just share my story so you see the other side of it. Serial cheats are a different breed. I know a lot of people seem to believe that it is the marriage being bad which causes the man to cheat. This is seldom the case. It happens, but not always. My xH was more than happy to stay married. We really did have a good marriage (what I thought was real at the time.... now knowing what I know now it was fake, he was fake). If it was so bad, he would not have begged so hard for me to stay. He wouldnt have begged on the way to sign the final divorce papers ( a year after we had already divided up everything and lived separately), to just stop and turn around and get back on track to be together. I was just done. Drained. And could never trust him again. 

He went on to date. He had someone he called a serious girlfriend. But then cheated on that girlfriend with the OW. Which sent the OW back into the crazy spiral and I got the backlash from it. Because according to her, he had to pick a girlfriend I would approve of, so he cant be with her. I find it odd that apparently I have so much  control in his life (hint: I don't, it just makes a convenient story and continues making me the bad guy which she loves and keeps heat off of him). 

[MadlyDeeply]

Thank you so much starswillshine for sharing your story which is the other side, it is v helpful and makes you think even more about the innocent W in all the mess. I know if my mms W was telling her life story she would probably say she has stayed so long in their m not just because she loves him but they have a lovely house with their 3 children, good lifestyle, social life, history of 35yrs. All looks perfect from outside, but he has cheated throughout, makes her insecure and jealous. I would have loads of names I could tell her about, wouldn't know where to start but I never would unless she asked of course! When I see him now I see a liar but also a man who is desperately unhappy, this is what keeps me going at the moment, feel like I need to support him while his head is all over the place. When we are together he seems so calm and says for once he is actually with someone he really loves, so we will see! She has said she wants to leave and is looking for somewhere. If this doesn't come to anything and they seem happy again i will know it's time to say goodbye. I would be devastated but will feel relieved at same time I think. I've been with him for over two years so shall see what happens now I have come this far. 

I think about all of you on here wondering how you are getting on even though I don't know you, crazy but here to talk and I understand your pain. X 

[JTSW]

On 3/14/2020 at 7:00 PM, MadlyDeeply said:

he has been unfaithful throughout but nothing long term

So what makes you think you are going to be long term? He likely said all the things he says to you to all the others.

On 3/14/2020 at 7:00 PM, MadlyDeeply said:

he loves me and his wife

He still loves his wife. This is all you need to know that he will never fully be with you.

On 3/14/2020 at 7:00 PM, MadlyDeeply said:

His W is not happy in their m and has threatened to leave a few times

How do you know this? Because he told you? Did he tell you that they argue all the time or have you actually witnessed it?

On 3/14/2020 at 7:00 PM, MadlyDeeply said:

When things are bad he tells me he is thinking of getting a flat but worried about his children. 

His children and grown adults now who would understand, especially if their parents 'always argue' as you are led to believe.

[MadlyDeeply]

JTSW thank you, he has told me a few times that he has never had anything like this before, usually just flings or one night stands, obviously I'm starting to wonder what is actually true now but why lie about this?

Yes he said he still loves his W but not how he should. It doesn't seem like he loves her does it, I mean by his actions. If you really loved someone you wouldn't cheat. Yes you could make a mistake but not your whole life surely. Can you truly love someone but have sex with others? Do you think men see love and sex separately?

I have witnessed the arguing and so has my h who is his friend. Apparently the children have told them to split cause of all the unhappiness. I think he likes the security and is a v proud man and loves the history. 

[JTSW]

Just now, MadlyDeeply said:

Can you truly love someone but have sex with others?

Some people can easily detach themselves and enjoy having sex with others but still being in love with their wife.

Just like this guy.

Just now, MadlyDeeply said:

Apparently the children have told them to split cause of all the unhappiness.

Then why is he so worried about them if they are encouraging it?

He's just using them as an excuse to not leave his comfortable home life.

[Starswillshine]

15 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

JTSW thank you, he has told me a few times that he has never had anything like this before, usually just flings or one night stands, obviously I'm starting to wonder what is actually true now but why lie about this?

Yes he said he still loves his W but not how he should. It doesn't seem like he loves her does it, I mean by his actions. If you really loved someone you wouldn't cheat. Yes you could make a mistake but not your whole life surely. Can you truly love someone but have sex with others? Do you think men see love and sex separately?

I have witnessed the arguing and so has my h who is his friend. Apparently the children have told them to split cause of all the unhappiness. I think he likes the security and is a v proud man and loves the history. 

A guy who cheats like this does not love anyone but himself and how these women make him feel. Think about relationships. Crazy intense in the beginning, people can keep the passion going but once you know every single detail of the person and every single thing is predictable, it will lose some spark. So he has been married for 35 years. Of course his wife stands no chance in comparison to all these various women he had over the years. Because when he is banging away, it is all new. It is exciting. 

You will then be in that same position. Soon enough everything will be predictable and just not as exciting. Soon enough you wont compete with all the other women either. Soon enough he wont love you as he should. One woman isnt enough for the frail ego. 

The unhappiness and fighting likely has a lot to do with his cheating. 

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Some people can easily detach themselves and enjoy having sex with others but still being in love with their wife.

 

People like that don't know what love is. If you truly loved someone, the very last thing you would want to do is something that you know would hurt them. finding out your loved one is cheating destroys you. And to do it just because you want to have sex with someone else is just selfish and narcissistic. That's not love. That might be the highest level of caring he's capable of, but he doesn't even love his wife enough not to take a chance on just destroying her with this.

[JTSW]

Also, he's a serial cheater, so it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll do the same to you.

[MadlyDeeply]

Thank you for all your replies, for being there for me. All your advice is so good, feel like I'm talking to 6 counsellors. I shall have to see what happens. I don't think it's the cheating that causes all the arguing, maybe his insecurities and making her jealous doesn't help but they are used to it, apparently he grew up with a mum and dad that were always fighting which didn't help him. I think mm is scared so uses that excuse about the children. I have never mentioned about leaving my h and family unit. He knows my children are my life. As Beca L said 
He is not going to give up his cosy existence and secure home life to go and live on his own and wait for you to end your marriage which you may not do for a number of years.

His wife does everything, he doesn't know life without her. It would be a massive gamble for both of us if he was ever mine, if he ever cheated on me I would know he never really did love me. I know all his past, his W doesn't so he would know I would be more on the lookout for any affairs. 

Think I'm hoping cause he is older now he would eventually want to stop and settle down. 

[2BGoodAgain]

27 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Thank you for all your replies, for being there for me. All your advice is so good, feel like I'm talking to 6 counsellors. I shall have to see what happens. I don't think it's the cheating that causes all the arguing, maybe his insecurities and making her jealous doesn't help but they are used to it, apparently he grew up with a mum and dad that were always fighting which didn't help him. I think mm is scared so uses that excuse about the children. I have never mentioned about leaving my h and family unit. He knows my children are my life. As Beca L said 
He is not going to give up his cosy existence and secure home life to go and live on his own and wait for you to end your marriage which you may not do for a number of years.

His wife does everything, he doesn't know life without her. It would be a massive gamble for both of us if he was ever mine, if he ever cheated on me I would know he never really did love me. I know all his past, his W doesn't so he would know I would be more on the lookout for any affairs. 

Think I'm hoping cause he is older now he would eventually want to stop and settle down. 

don't feel too secure in "knowing all about him"... only he really does. 

and there's a saying... "age is mandatory, growth is a choice"... just b/c one is older, it doesn't guarantee a mature outlook or choices... i've met men older than me who are about as wise or mature as a 20something kid...

just saying.

too many fallacies to mention above, but be careful with your heart... what you think you feel now as hurt, is nothing compared to the path ahead of you...  i knew my AP for 12 years.. and in the end, i realize i didn't really know her... and we talked "life times".... and i knew so many things about her, her hub didn't... all that, and it ended like every other story on here....

guard your heart.

[MadlyDeeply]

2begoodagain thank you for your kind thoughts, I've never heard that saying thank you for sharing, v true and may explain why the age gap works! I wondered what your story was, thank you for sharing. So sorry you didn't have a good ending, wish I had been here to help you at that time. Have you moved on ok now?

I'm terrified of getting hurt as love this man so much but I do have my guard half way up too to help protect my heart. I know I won't be able to eat for days if we say goodbye, even if we have an upset or he goes away i feel extremely upset and unable to eat much, I have to force myself! 

I need to remind myself you can't always be with the one you love and be grateful for what you have. 

[Beca L]

13 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Beca L do you think he ever really loved you or just loved how you made him feel? Cause if he really loved you how could he leave to go back to W and how does he cope i wonder seeing you? Do you think after a while you will be able to talk again?

Hope you are ok and thanks for the comments. You have asked the million dollar question. Yes, I do think he loved me and probably still does but he's made some reckless and stupid decisions over the last 3 years and he is where he is today. He is very selfish and immature and a man child. He's unable to walk away from the only relationship he's ever had and scared of an unknown future with me. I ask myself the same questions every day, how, if he loved me so much could he go back to her, it doesn't make any sense. I know that he doesn't cope at all seeing me, in fact over the last 2 weeks he has stopped coming to the staff room for the morning briefing, so I have not seen him very much. We had an important meeting after school today to discuss the C virus and school closure and he wasn't there, one of only a couple who didn't attend. Our school is now closed, indefinitely, as a teacher has been confirmed to have corvid-19. I may not see him again now till Sept, part of me feels relieved but the other half feels terribly sad and upset. Are you still in NC? I hope you are coping OK. Only you know what you should be doing and I hope you keep posting . This site has literally saved me and helped  me to get some strength from somewhere to keep moving forward and to remain in NC. Take care and stay safe, it's very worrying times and at least this has helped me to focus on my family and to keep them safe. 

[MadlyDeeply]

Beca L you are now forced to have some separation, I wonder how that will go with absolutely no contact, he most likely will contact you to see how your getting on? I've not even said goodbye yet, just trying to gear my mind up for it. I feel you so much, my mm is exactly the same as yours, I could have wrote this  "He is very selfish and immature and a man child. He's unable to walk away from the only relationship he's ever had and scared of an unknown future with me" I saw mine today and he said he wants us both, he can't just switch off his feelings for her after 35yrs! He is trying to get me to understand which I do to some extent but if you really love somebody why cheat in first place? It's the same old story can't forget their past together! I told him she is like a mum to him, he doesn't know any different, he was only twenty when they got together! I told him I feel like I'm just here to support him through the hard times they are having but he refuses to believe this and said he doesn't stop thinking about me etc! I said this lockdown will be a good test to test our feelings, be a lot more difficult for us to meet. 

Thinking of you all. 

Edited March 19, 2020 by MadlyDeeply
Spellings and add on

[Starswillshine]

19 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

but if you really love somebody why cheat in first place? 

Switch it around. If he really loves you, why would he cheat on you? Because isnt he doing the same when he is with his wife? Cheating on you? 

Either you accept he does not love you or you accept that he loves you but this is acceptable way to treat those he "loves". 

Guys are amazing at compartmentalizing. Something we women struggle with. 

[MadlyDeeply]

Thank you starswillshine for your comments. I've got to accept my mm loves me or what's the point in all this. I have been trying to protect my heart all this time by telling myself he doesn't truly love me, cause if we have to say goodbye thought it would help me! I agree it's not an acceptable way to treat people he loves but this is the way it has to be for now. I don't see him as cheating on me cause i know the situation.

I think we are both crutches as someone else said earlier but we do love each other too and hopefully one day we can be together properly and enjoy life as its meant to be and my h and his W can meet partners that truly love them too. 

[BaileyB]

58 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

I don't see him as cheating on me cause i know the situation.

I think we are both crutches as someone else said earlier but we do love each other too and hopefully one day we can be together properly and enjoy life as its meant to be and my h and his W can meet partners that truly love them too. 

With respect, I don’t think that was what stars will shine meant. I believe you have twisted her words to fit your narrative.

Just as I’m concerned that you believe he will not cheat on you because you “know the situation.” What you know is that this man has been unfaithful not just once throughout the duration of his marriage. Chose to ignore that HUGE RED FLAG at your own risk.