elaine567 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 On 3/19/2020 at 2:38 PM, MadlyDeeply said: He's unable to walk away from the only relationship he's ever had and scared of an unknown future with me" I saw mine today and he said he wants us both, he can't just switch off his feelings for her after 35yrs! He is trying to get me to understand which I do to some extent but if you really love somebody why cheat in first place? It's the same old story can't forget their past together! You are talking at cross purposes, you want a future with him he wants his existing marriage and you too. You are monogamous, you want him and only him, he isn't, he has always had his wife and "someone else". At the moment that "someone else" is you. Guys in 35 year marriages rarely leave. They have far too much invested. At the moment he is trying to persuade you to accept the OW role, as that would suit him just fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Guys in 35 year marriages rarely leave. They have far too much invested. My partner left a 13 year marriage, and he talks all the time about how this set him back financially. And then he laments other friends, who have left marriages that were longer... and how they will have to “work until they die” because it has destroyed them financially. Men are often pragmatic. They generally tend not to make emotional decisions. I see that in the way my partner discusses his divorce and the possibility of a future marriage. He looks at it in what I would say is a very cold, realistic, and pragmatic way. I am like you, I tend to be very emotional. It’s amazing to me how two people can look at the same situation/same decision in a very different way. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that he “thinks” as you do - they don’t. I agree with Elaine, it has to be pretty bad or he has to be extremely motivated to leave his family and end a marriage of thirty five years. Ignoring the social repercussions, the financial impact of that decision will be tremendous - it would change his life forever. You are monogamous, he is not. You expect him to leave the comfort and financial security of his life/family, he may talk about such fantasy but it is unlikely to happen. Men, just don’t leave marriages of thirty five years... he’s had thirty five years to do it, he’s had multiple other women - if it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not going to happen now. Edited March 21, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 4 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: we do love each other too and hopefully one day we can be together properly and enjoy life That's not going to happen. If that was what he truly wanted, he would've done so a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 Amazing advice as always from you, if we were altogether, I would buy you all a drink. Obviously I would love to have a proper full time relationship with the man i love but I have never actually asked him to leave, infact he said about leaving at the beginning and i said I wanted to get to know him better, it's always him who says about it. In the past he has just had flings never an affair lasting this long. Financially we would both be OK, so that wouldn't destroy him. He is actually a proud family man, loves his wife but not as he should. I know it seems unbelievable to think he would leave or even to think of his W leaving after all these yrs, I would say the same in your shoes. Deep down I know you are 95% correct but when we are together it just seems so real. I need to remember when something is too good to be true, it usually is. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 OP, even if he left her to be with you - the likelihood he would then eventually cheat on you is extremely high. This guy is a life-long, serial cheater. Monogamy isn't his game. It all sounds now like it would be amazing if he finally left his wife and you two could be together. But one day, he'd come home a bit too late and not really be able to explain where he was. You would start to notice that he was more secretive than usual with his phone. You would ready to put dinner on the table, and feel your anxiety creeping up when you call him to find out where he is and he doesn't answer and doesn't call back promptly enough to soothe your nerves. You might be getting ready for work someday and notice he's not that engaged as you chat over breakfast, doesn't quite kiss you goodbye with the same enthusiasm. Maybe you would also notice that he can't perform as readily in bed, or doesn't seem to have the interest in sex he usually does. Yes, he would reassure you that everything is fine and don't worry. But you would. You would worry a lot. Because you know what he is capable of better than anyone else. My point? Him leaving his wife (and you leaving you husband) wouldn't be the end of all your problems. It would be just the beginning of bigger problems ahead for you. I can nearly guarantee it. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 22, 2020 Author Share Posted March 22, 2020 ExpatinItaly thank you I know your right with what your saying, I would be worried all the time, this is probably why I've not asked him to leave cause of the big red flags flying above my head. He is much older now though and has never had a long term A before where he wanted to leave W, so do you think there is a small chance he could now have found what he wanted, able to settle down and be faithful or am i being naive cause so in love? I think maybe being the ow is the safest place to be. I can still get heartbroken but not as bad as if I was with him full-time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 7 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: do you think there is a small chance he could now have found what he wanted, able to settle down and be faithful or am i being naive cause so in love? Likr ii said before, if that was what he truly wanted, he would have left anyway a long time ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 52 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: He is much older now though and has never had a long term A before where he wanted to leave W, so do you think there is a small chance he could now have found what he wanted, able to settle down and be faithful or am i being naive cause so in love? I wouldn't hang on to this as your proverbial life-raft, simply because you have no idea if it's even true. You know only what he tells you, and you need to put on that critical thinking cap here: This man has been living several lies over the past 35 years. You need to take a lot of what he says with a massive boulder of salt; he is not an honest person and you have to realize he's likely been dishonest with you about plenty of things, too. So no, I don't think it's enough to pin your hopes on. I also don't think age changes much either, other than limiting their options for women who are interested. It doesn't necessarily change their desire and mentality. My own partner's estranged father is a lifelong philanderer, much like your man. He cheated on his mom more times than anyone can count. They are divorced now, and have been for a number of years, after he left for his then-OW. Him and OW are still together now, but guess who Dad regularly visits and spends time with on the sly? Mom. (And no, my partner does not approve of this and wishes Mom would let go, too) Guess how old Dad is? 81. Yes, he is well past the age when most would assume this sort of behavior stops. Know what's even worse? It's not the first time he left for another woman and then started sniffing around for Mom again, either. Don't assume that age of never having had a long-term affair (allegedly) make your situation an exception. Men like him, and my man's Dad, are usually the least reliable choices for a long-term and monogamous relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: I think maybe being the ow is the safest place to be. I can still get heartbroken but not as bad as if I was with him full-time. Many on this board would say, the heartbreak only grows worse with time. Unless you are the rare breed who doesn’t mind if the man you love sleeps with another woman every single night, your loneliness, resentment, and heartache is likely to grow with time. It’s normal to want to be with the man you love. It’s normal to want to share your life with him. The fact that you are here, asking these questions tells me that you want more. It may seem like a possible solution, to continue as you have been... But the longer you stay, the harder it will be when it finally ends - or when you decide to walk away because you want more than he can offer... Edited March 22, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 23 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: He is much older now though and has never had a long term A before. How do you even know this? Just because he told you that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 23, 2020 Author Share Posted March 23, 2020 xpatinItaly thank you so much for taking the time to tell the story of your partners father. I was v surprised at his age, shocked but your right this could be my mm in yrs to come! I know I need to say goodbye, the uncertainty would be so hard to live with. BaileyB in an ideal world I would love to share everything with the man I love but i know deep down i would always be sharing him even if he was mine. Do I really want this I need to ask myself. JTSW I'm going to start doubting everything he says How can i love a man like this so much, wish I could just turn my feelings off. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 He's obviously not ready to settle down just because he's older, because he's cheating on his wife. You have to look at the facts. It is what it is. He's a cheater. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 2 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: How can i love a man like this so much, wish I could just turn my feelings off. Because men like this are usually very good at telling you what you want to hear. They are experts, plenty practice. His wife probably believes everything he says too. You look at his life and you can see yourself slotting right in. You see it all being your dream come true. BUT life isn't like that, his wife will probably not roll over and let you take her man, he may not want to be "taken" away by you either. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 15 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: How can i love a man like this so much, wish I could just turn my feelings off. You might want to consider that you don't really love him as a person, but rather the feeling of being wanted, heard and desired. That's a tough thing to untangle emotionally but I can't help but wonder if that's what really attracts you to him. Think about it: if he weren't whispering the proverbial sweet nothings in you ear all the time, and if he weren't so good at saying the "right things," would you really be into this man? We all want our partner to admire and desire us, and when that's a scarcity of those things in a relationship, it can make some folks look for "love" in all the wrong places. Scarcity can blur our perception of reality and lead some people to drink up the "love" from even the most tainted sources. You see what I mean? It is starting to sound more and more like this is less about him and what wonderful qualities he has (because, let's be real, he has a lot of undesirable traits) and more about plugging the holes in your own unfulfilling marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 24, 2020 Author Share Posted March 24, 2020 Preraph your right he is a cheater, always has been, he wouldn't know any different. He probably really only loves himself. Elaine yes this one has had loads of practice, he just seems so genuine but I suppose he has to cause he keeps getting everything he wants! ExpatinItaly I know he isn't a nice person if he can do this to his wife time and time again. I should just be able to see he isn't worth all the heartache. I get to be wanted, heard and desired by my h but I don't want it from him as i don't love him like that anymore, we are Just keeping family unit together. My head always tells me to say my goodbyes, and be strong. I'm even thinking sooner the better now as lockdown should help. My heart is clinging on, hoping for something that will never happen. I will need you all so much when I master up enough courage to finally end all this love I have for this man. It's going to be so painful but I know so many ow have had to do it. I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last!😭 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 24, 2020 Share Posted March 24, 2020 What are you going to do if your husband discovers this somehow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 24, 2020 Author Share Posted March 24, 2020 Do you mean before I end it or in years to come? I have spoken to my h several times about our m and we both know we are not truly happy. I said about having an open m but he said a definite no. We both said we don't think there will be much left between us once the children have grown, so I don't think it would come as too much of a shock. I know he would be hurt though as he once said he would forgive an affair because he loves me so much. I can't get my feelings back now it's too late but happy to stay as we are for children. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 1 hour ago, MadlyDeeply said: Do you mean before I end it or in years to come? I have spoken to my h several times about our m and we both know we are not truly happy. I said about having an open m but he said a definite no. We both said we don't think there will be much left between us once the children have grown, so I don't think it would come as too much of a shock. I know he would be hurt though as he once said he would forgive an affair because he loves me so much. I can't get my feelings back now it's too late but happy to stay as we are for children. Have you actually read what you wrote? It's a full of contradictions at least about what you think about your husband thinks. It sounds like you may be projecting your current uncertainty about your marriage onto your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Be careful for what you wish for. A man who loves you enough to forgive an affair is not someone you can just afford to dismiss, especially in favour of a serial cheater. Affairs make marriages seem mundane and husbands seem mediocre. Love is hard to find, I doubt you have found love with this manipulative old guy. Wake up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 12 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: Do you mean before I end it or in years to come? Yes, this is what I meant. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: Be careful for what you wish for. A man who loves you enough to forgive an affair is not someone you can just afford to dismiss, especially in favour of a serial cheater. Affairs make marriages seem mundane and husbands seem mediocre. Love is hard to find, I doubt you have found love with this manipulative old guy. Wake up. Also to add, he may think he can forgive an affair. I thought I would be one to forgive an affair. I did try, but I just could not. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 @Starswillshine I agree. Affairs are difficult to forgive and the request to "open up the marriage" will be something that is not easily forgotten either by a monogamous person. Men will often not put up with cheating/straying women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 Thank you for all your help, my mind is all over the place at the moment, i know i shouldn't risk my m at all especially with this mm, that can't be trusted. I'm not in love with my h anymore, we both realise we are staying put for the family unit. We get on really well but I love him as the father of our children and like a friend. I have been in touch with mm and we have agreed to not have any contact until isolation period is over, I told him after that we will see how we feel about each other. I'm exhausted by the constant analysing and I'm now trying to see him for who he really is and not believing what he says. I love him but got to remember you can't always be with the one you love. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Very true. It's also true that many healthy marriages eventually turn to a more LT form of love, that isn't as intense but IS more "familial" (for lack of a better term) and has it's own pleasures and charms. Perhaps you can respect and appreciate what you DO have with your husband and even come to love him more if/when you get this MM out of your system. Perhaps if you show some respect and engage in more intimacy your passion will rekindle, not to where it was in the early days of your R, but to a reasonable and pleasurable "slow, steady" flame. IF you can do that, and there is no Dday (that will always be a risk now), perhaps you can have a happier marriage again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 Thank you Mark, yes I've always appreciated what i do have with my h that's why i can't believe i risk it all, I must be mad. My H is such a good person, best father for our children, the children are the best children i could have ever hoped for, we both love them so much. Best home we could ever have, we have so much in common too and the love is v familial like you said. I just don't know how to engage in any intimacy as i just don't have those feelings towards him anymore. I'm on day no two of NC with mm as i said I don't want any contact while in isolation, he wasn't happy about it and left on bad terms. I've wrote a list of bad characteristics to keep reminding myself! Each time i receive a text message I'm secretly hoping it's mm as I'm missing him as love him so much but I keep asking myself why or how can i! I'm hoping this time apart will help both of our marriages. If i can cope with 3 weeks of NC then hopefully i can do longer and longer until I realise I don't need him in my life at all😃 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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