Author MadlyDeeply Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 Not been in touch for a few days cause felt bad about my ongoing situation. I hadn't contacted my mm for a while, as i was keeping my distance/trying to prepare myself for our final goodbye. He has always been the one making the effort to contact me, because of this, i suddenly started to worry if something was to happen to him, i would always regret not getting in touch, especially during these difficult times so I sent him a text. After a few messages he seemed annoyed in his manner with me, not like his usual self so i thought I'd had enough of all these games, and i sent him a goodbye message and i really meant it, i thought all of you would have been proud of me! Told him i would have done anything for him, cause i love him so much and that i even know the real him, told him he only loves how i made him feel etc and said Goodbye baby. I expected just a quick goodbye back but instead he asked me a few questions about my h and asked if i would meet him. I know what you are all thinking but i really didn't want it to end with my text so obviously i met him. I was so excited to see him, he asked me if i loved him etc, he told me he is in love with me, but also said his head is all over the place and he can't just stop loving his wife after 35yrs. It felt amazing to be in his arms again after 3 weeks. He still thinks his wife is having an a with his best friend, he wants to know the truth so it would be easier for him to move on with his life. He wants me to be there for him, im obviously not going to turn my back on the man i love. I can hear Bailey now saying "that's another tall story to add to the mms list of excuses"!! So now i feel like i need to be here for him as a friend as well as a lover, if she leaves him he would be devastated but I would be here for him and hopefully it would make us even closer. Before lockdown she said she was leaving and told him that she will always love him and they can be friends. I don't know if she will ever leave but for now I'm thinking i just need to be his shoulder to cry on. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyNorth Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, MadlyDeeply said: Not been in touch for a few days cause felt bad about my ongoing situation. I hadn't contacted my mm for a while, as i was keeping my distance/trying to prepare myself for our final goodbye. He has always been the one making the effort to contact me, because of this, i suddenly started to worry if something was to happen to him, i would always regret not getting in touch, especially during these difficult times so I sent him a text. After a few messages he seemed annoyed in his manner with me, not like his usual self so i thought I'd had enough of all these games, and i sent him a goodbye message and i really meant it, i thought all of you would have been proud of me! Told him i would have done anything for him, cause i love him so much and that i even know the real him, told him he only loves how i made him feel etc and said Goodbye baby. I expected just a quick goodbye back but instead he asked me a few questions about my h and asked if i would meet him. I know what you are all thinking but i really didn't want it to end with my text so obviously i met him. I was so excited to see him, he asked me if i loved him etc, he told me he is in love with me, but also said his head is all over the place and he can't just stop loving his wife after 35yrs. It felt amazing to be in his arms again after 3 weeks. He still thinks his wife is having an a with his best friend, he wants to know the truth so it would be easier for him to move on with his life. He wants me to be there for him, im obviously not going to turn my back on the man i love. I can hear Bailey now saying "that's another tall story to add to the mms list of excuses"!! So now i feel like i need to be here for him as a friend as well as a lover, if she leaves him he would be devastated but I would be here for him and hopefully it would make us even closer. Before lockdown she said she was leaving and told him that she will always love him and they can be friends. I don't know if she will ever leave but for now I'm thinking i just need to be his shoulder to cry on. See, I knew his thoughts are in complete chaos and his brain moving in every direction. He doesn’t want to lose you, your his drug that gets him high. He may be arriving to his crossroads now and realizing that sooner or later he will half to make some sort of move....either be with you or stay with wife!! But his thought are so scattered and unorganized that he is not able to think in logical steps or even calculate a logical outcome. But one thing is for sure, even if it’s for the wrong reasons, he wants you! Now watch, you’ll see developments happen in the future with his wife that will ultimately force him to make some kind of decision on which path he will choose. Your MM will not be able to keep his head in the sand for too long and continue the double life. He will reach his tolerance and decide on either making a life altering decision or stick with his current deal and learn how to navigate that. Edited April 11, 2020 by JimmyNorth Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Why are you with a man who says he still loves his wife and is jealous of her for having an A? I'm sorry to say but he has found all your "buttons" and he knows well how to manipulate you. Meanwhile, while you are there for him to help him fix his problems, your life is going by, your marriage is deteriorating obviously and HE is not there to help YOU fix your problems. Do you really want to be this person? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 He is lining you up in case he ends up alone... If he finds she is not having an affair, or she is not leaving him, it will be back to business as usual for him(MM) and you(OW). Of course this may just be a story designed to string you along for another few weeks... Men who truly want you, make it possible for you to be together ASAP. He doesn't truly want you, that is the problem here. Hugs are easy, ILYs are easy... they are totally meaningless... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 OP, if you won't stay away from this man for your husband, and at least stay away from him for your children. If you are on lock-down, it is downright reckless to be interacting with him whatsoever in person. Don't take such needless and irresponsible risks during this time of the pandemic. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts, I felt scared telling you what was going on! Jimmy, his thoughts are all over the place, he said he has more feelings for me and is in love with me but loves his wife cause how much they have been through together. He questions his feelings for me but said he knows they are true cause he thinks about me all the time and the distancing I did made him realise he wants me all the time. The trouble holding him back I think is me, cause my children are still young, I'm sure if they were older we would have both been together by now. Jimmy what exactly do you mean by wrong reasons for wanting me? Summer dreams I know it sounds absolutely crazy but that's how much I love this man. Infact I like it cause he tells me the truth that he still has feelings for her, it's easy for a mm to say they don't! Think it would hurt him more if W was having an a cause it being his best friend. I actually like being there for him as care about him so much. I don't need any help with my marriage, mine is a good friendship, not like theirs. Elaine I know what your saying, if two people truly wanted to be together then they would. I just think its a matter of time and like I said both of our lives our complicated, so much at risk. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Basically, what he told you was that he just can’t stop loving his wife, she is his best friend, and he is choosing his marriage... But, if she ever leaves him, if she is having an affair with his best friend (which seems like a big and rather ridiculous IF), he is hoping that you will be there for him... And you hear, he loves me, he thinks about me, he wants to see me, maybe we can be together... if not for my children and the fact that he’s been with this woman for so long... I feel badly for your children. You have put them at risk, in more ways than one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 18 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: The trouble holding him back I think is me, cause my children are still young, I'm sure if they were older we would have both been together by now. He's an older guy he doesn't want to look after another man's little kids and bring them up. He has done that. There is no doubt he likes the sex and the adoration but little kids? NO way. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: He's an older guy he doesn't want to look after another man's little kids and bring them up. He has done that. There is no doubt he likes the sex and the adoration but little kids? NO way. I don’t doubt that you are right. But, this is imaginary thinking... there would still be so many barriers - including the fact that he is married to his best friend and they share a home, a family, and a life together. It’s not really about the children. Sure, OP may believe that if her children were older, they could be together... but, not necessarily. That’s just part of the fantasy for her. If all of the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, oh what a world it would be... He is where he wants to be. He maintains his family, his wealth, his lifestyle - all potentially with an adoring, younger woman by his side. That’s not likely to change anytime soon. Older men with so much to lose are not usually prone to such fantasy... they may enjoy their affairs but they tend to be much more pragmatic about life. Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 O my god, it doesn't sound like I stand a chance does it. Does no-one think that my mm really loves me apart from me! It's a different kind of love isn't it after 35yrs I understand that. Elaine I said that to him at the beginning actually that I didn't want him to leave, that he had already seen his own children grow up, he has done all that I agree. Didn't realise at the beginning our relationship would have turned into a love like this. It doesn't seem like he is best friends with his wife, they live v separately and argue most of the time. Infact they are living in their house separately now, in own bedrooms and I've heard that even from her! If he was choosing her wouldn't he have finished us by now?Think he is just clinging on to all those yrs and history, also he is a v proud man. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 13 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: he is a v proud man Sorry but the irony here is very striking. He is a proud man who doesn't want his wife having an affair, but he is having an affair with a woman who is having an affair! I mean, yeah, he is really proud. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lylalou Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 I’m sorry MD I think you are deluded, he wants his wife, if he wanted you he’d leave but he isn’t he is just making excuses, excuse no 30 from his book of excuses, my exMM had 101 excuses on why he couldn’t leave, took me 7 yrs to realise he never was, please don’t be me and wise up. Do you really want to be the fallback girl if his wife is having an affair, you get him by default. And I agree you should not be meeting up with him in this pandemic, you are risking your families health, very selfish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 42 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: It doesn't seem like he is best friends with his wife, they live v separately and argue most of the time. Infact they are living in their house separately now, in own bedrooms and I've heard that even from her! If he was choosing her wouldn't he have finished us by now?Think he is just clinging on to all those yrs and history, also he is a v proud man. Not necessarily, no. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets the "security" of a long marriage and established home, and the excitement on the side with you whenever he pleases. He has it made, OP, because he's not really choosing either you. He is choosing himself, because this suits his needs quite well. I don't mean to seem unkind, but you sound like a teenager who still believes in fairy-tales when you describe this. The level of naivety coming through in your posts is more reflective of a young person in love for the very first time rather an grown , married woman. I fear you have deluded yourself so much that the heartbreak when this all comes crashing down around you is going to be extremely difficult for you to recuperate from. So I am curious, did you have many relationships before you met your husband? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) Quote Edited April 11, 2020 by Amethyst68 posted too soon Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) I've mentioned before the mental gymnastics we wayward spouses do in our heads in order to make our choices "okay" and create the narrative we want to have. I mean, the fact that you are serious thinking something like if "my children were older we would have both been together by now." What the actual F, Madly??? I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh, but you have reached a point where you are wishing your children's childhoods away for a married man having an affair with you. Can you not see how wrong that is? You really need to take a step back from this man (he can handle his own life issues on his own, he is a grown man, he does not need your support) and clear your head. Because not only because of what I talked about above, but you also, in the midst of a global pandemic where much of the world has been asked to stay home, you left to be with your affair partner. You could've brought the virus to your family, or you could've brought the virus to him and his family. Either way it was a reckless, selfish choice. Edited April 11, 2020 by Bittersweetie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Quote It felt amazing to be in his arms again after 3 weeks You endangered your children and your husband's lives without a second thought. Shows exactly what kind of a priority they are to you, especially in a time like this. Who knows what you've brought back into your household. This is another level of selfishness... 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, MadlyDeeply said: O my god, it doesn't sound like I stand a chance does it. Does no-one think that my mm really loves me apart from me! You are pinning your hopes and planning your future - and your children’s future - on a man who has stayed in a marriage for 35 years and had a series of affairs with multiple women during that marriage. Lets try to take the feelings out of it, based on this description... if this was your friend, or your daughter - what would you advise her to do? Would you tell your daughter that this was a risk worth taking? Would you say - “sure, he may have stayed for 35 years in what might be an unhappy marriage, but he could totally decide to leave any day...” Would you say - “hey, he may not have been faithful to her, but I have no doubt that he will be faithful to you..” What would your concerns be for your grandchildren? Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 13 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: I mean, the fact that you are serious thinking something like if "my children were older we would have both been together by now." What the actual F, Madly??? I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh, but you have reached a point where you are wishing your children's childhoods away for a married man having an affair with you. Can you not see how wrong that is? Agree, that comment was very disturbing for me too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 I feel bad enough already about meeting him and it did take a lot of convincing, I wasn't going to but i didn't want it to end with just a text, I know v v stupid and I would be saying exactly the same as everyone of you. I won't be doing it again. He reassured me about them living separately at home and he is not going anywhere near her at the moment and he doesn't go anywhere. I think us meeting actually proves even more about the state of both of our heads. We are in touch now but only by text. I wanted to be honest with you all. I am sorry. I also have never asked him to leave his marriage, he is the one that brings it up if that makes a difference. ExpatinItaly I do feel like a teenager at the moment, it's so stupid to feel like this at my age I agree. I had two relationships before my now husband. My previous husband died of cancer when I was quite young. Relationship before that was with a much older man. I think my posts come across like they do because I am truly in love with my mm, most ow don't keep writing how much they are in love do they. Thank you for all your replies and once again I'm truly sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 **he told me he is in love with me, but also said his head is all over the place and he can't just stop loving his wife after 35yrs** Yet they apparently argue most of the time and have separate bedrooms...so why is he staying? Especially when she has told him she wants to leave the marriage. He thinks his wife is having an A with his best friend, because he judges her by his standards. He also can't bear to think someone would do what he's done all along. I thought he said if she was having an A, she would be kicked out. What you have in your MM, is a hypocritical human being. It's okay for him to have cheated from day 1, but he would kick her out for doing exactly what he's done. WOW. *if she leaves him he would be devastated* Why would he be devastated, when he had such little respect for her? He's a serial cheat. So you went to meet him and put yourself, your husband and your children at risk of contracting coronavirus. This isn't love...it's madness and stupidity. You've no idea where he's been and yet a click of his fingers is enough to risk the health of your own flesh and blood. Really? The expression LOVE IS BLIND has never been more appropriate than it is here. I get the impression that if he said he was leaving, but your H should retain full custody of your children you'd agree to it. I actually know someone who did that and it wasn't even an affair. He didn't like little kids, so she let her sister raise her children in another city to be with this man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lylalou Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 My exMM told me they had separate bedrooms , LIE, told me they lived separate lives, LIE, asked him if he’d ever had an affair before, I’d know him for 19 yrs when our affair started, again another LIE, I found out he had had a 6 year affair with my mums old neighbour!!! If his mouth is moving he’s lying! Im sorry he is a serial cheat why would you believe anything he tells you, and how could you ever trust him, you wouldn’t I can assure you. Cut your loses now. I have a friend who left her children with her husband when she left for an affair partner, her boys have never forgiven her, hardly have anything to do with her 15 yrs on. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) MD, we are not trying to berate you and make you feel badly. Despite how it may feel... We are kindly trying to talk some sense here. You do very much prove the adage, Love is blind. The fact that he is a serial cheat means nothing. The fact that he wants to see you and you are both willing to risk your lives and the lives of your families during a pandemic only shows your devotion to each other... It further confirms the poor state of his marriage and reinforces your hope, that someday he will leave his wife and chose to be with you... You twist twist things in such a way that it fits your narrative, and I don’t even know that you realize how you are doing this. Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 37 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: ExpatinItaly I do feel like a teenager at the moment, it's so stupid to feel like this at my age I agree. I had two relationships before my now husband. My previous husband died of cancer when I was quite young. Relationship before that was with a much older man. I think my posts come across like they do because I am truly in love with my mm, most ow don't keep writing how much they are in love do they. Huh? Yes. Yes, they do. You are just the same as all the others, Madly. All it takes it a quick look through a few threads on this forum to see that plenty of OW write about how in love they are. Have you seriously not bothered reading any? I know you so want this to be that special case, unique from all other affairs. But it's just not, Madly. It's very textbook. Something tells me you're getting a kick out of feeling so rebellious, though. You keep apologizing to a group of strangers on the internet for your actions, when you owe nobody here a single thing. People are giving their opinions of course, but I doubt anyone is personally offended or disappointed in you. We don't know you and don't care much, if you see what I mean. Is that part of what attracts you to this? Feeling a little dangerous and "bad"? And anyway, the people you actually owe an apology to are you husband and kids. You've just put them all at risk of catching the virus. Edited April 11, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 OP, Please tell me I am wrong and that you didn't go to meet this man at a time when everyone is being asked to stay at home. If you did, and if your husband doesn't already know this, then you need to march your behind into whatever room he is in right now and tell him. If you went to meet him, you have actively chosen to put his health at risk because of your emotional needs. Your emotional angst was worth more to you than his life?I've read through your words, and if they are a true reflection of "you", that doesn't sound like "you" at all. He really needs to know where your head is at. You don't sound like a bad person, just someone who is in a lot of pain and really confused. I can understand all of that and also how it does sound like you are very lonely. Please find a better way to cope with that- you, your husband and your family all deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 31 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: He reassured me about them living separately at home and he is not going anywhere near her at the moment and he doesn't go anywhere. You have no proof of any of this. Older married adults often have separate bedrooms, it doesn't mean they are not having sex or they live "separate" lives. It just means they like their own space, their own bed. Some sleep better alone as there are snoring issues,or pain issues or insomnia may be. Some like to read in bed, some like to watch TV, spend time on a laptop/tablet/phone, some spend all night wandering about or are restless sleepers and they can disturb the other. Having their own personal undisturbed space is important to some. You have no idea who else he has "met" during the pandemic. Link to post Share on other sites
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