pepperbird Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 OP, Please tell me I am wrong and that you didn't go to meet this man at a time when everyone is being asked to stay at home. If you did, and if your husband doesn't already know this, then you need to march your behind into whatever room he is in right now and tell him. If you went to meet him, you have actively chosen to put his health at risk because of your emotional needs. Your emotional angst was worth more to you than his life?I've read through your words, and if they are a true reflection of "you", that doesn't sound like "you" at all. He really needs to know where your head is at. You don't sound like a bad person, just someone who is in a lot of pain and really confused. I can understand all of that and also how it does sound like you are very lonely. Please find a better way to cope with that- you, your husband and your family all deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 31 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said: He reassured me about them living separately at home and he is not going anywhere near her at the moment and he doesn't go anywhere. You have no proof of any of this. Older married adults often have separate bedrooms, it doesn't mean they are not having sex or they live "separate" lives. It just means they like their own space, their own bed. Some sleep better alone as there are snoring issues,or pain issues or insomnia may be. Some like to read in bed, some like to watch TV, spend time on a laptop/tablet/phone, some spend all night wandering about or are restless sleepers and they can disturb the other. Having their own personal undisturbed space is important to some. You have no idea who else he has "met" during the pandemic. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) On 3/17/2020 at 4:54 PM, MadlyDeeply said: I feel so sorry for his wife, she has found him being unfaithful twice throughout their marriage, she doesn't realise how bad he really has been. I probably know more about him than her. He always tells me to forget his past and it's me he wants but it's so hard to believe a cheater/liar. I went looking back through your posts MD, for a specific quote. What jumped out to me was how many times you say “he says...” So, I have collected many of the things you have said, for you to read perhaps, with a different perspective. He says... ”he thinks about me all the time...” ”he couldn’t get enough of me, he can’t imagine not being with you...” ”he’s never had anything like this before...” ”you are the best girlfriend he has ever had...” ”he loves how you make him feel...” ”you make him feel young again...” ”he loves you so much - more than his wife...” ”you are his girl, you belong to him...” ”he would be nothing without you...” But then, he also says... ”he wants you both...” ”he loves her, just not the way he should love her...” ”he can’t just switch of his feelings and stop loving her after 35 years...” ”she is his best friend...” You have said, ”you think he has lost count of how many flings and one night stands he has had DURING his marriage...” ”he tells me to forget his past...” ”he tries to make me jealous...” ”he has admitted to telling a few “white lies” because he didn’t want to hurt you...” ”it’s hard to trust a cheater/liar” And then there is the two most important actions to remember... 1. He has stayed in his marriage for 35 years 2. He has cheated on his wife repeatedly during that marriage And finally, the quote above... you feel sorry for his wife because even though she knows he has been unfaithful, she has no idea how bad he has been. And yet, you wait anxiously to take her place... Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have no proof of any of this. But, she confirmed it with his wife. Which is totally inappropriate... that she should be having conversations with his wife, especially about such intimate details of their marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Just now, BaileyB said: But, she confirmed it with his wife. . That they have separate bedrooms yes which is not that uncommon. But the assumption is then that they are not having sex... which I guess is probably not true especially during this lock down. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: That they have separate bedrooms yes which is not that uncommon. But the assumption is then that they are not having sex... which I guess is probably not true especially during this lock down. Oh, completely not true (the assumption that they are not having sex). I agree - I have a coworker who is young, has a handsome husband, newly married, trying to have children... they sleep in separate bed rooms because he snores and his sleep is so poor when they sleep together. Nobody would ever have guessed, if she hadn’t shared this information one day... Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Delete, accidental double post Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author MadlyDeeply Posted April 11, 2020 Author Share Posted April 11, 2020 I'm feeling really sick now, I feel like such a bad person. I love my children more than the world, they are the best children ever. I think the fact that my mm has his own room, doesn't go anywhere or see anyway i didn't think it was such a risk to see him. If I had to choose between my mm and my children my children win every time, mm knows this too so I honestly think that's why he won't make the break. We have said we could continue to see each other but live separately which probably would be best around. I will reply Bailey to yours tom as I'm truly grateful you have taken the time to help me see sense, I need to take it all in. Hope you all have a nice evening, thank you being here for me, don't know what I'd do without you. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Quote I'm feeling really sick now, I feel like such a bad person. I love my children more than the world, they are the best children ever. I think the fact that my mm has his own room, doesn't go anywhere or see anyway i didn't think it was such a risk to see him So it's ok if it's just your husband that gets sick then? I agree with the poster that said you need to tell him you broke lockdown just so you could feed your little drama fest. BTW I can almost guarantee that if your MM's BW ever decides to leave he'll be doing the pick me dance so quick you won't even see his feet move. It's kind of obvious he's exactly where he wants to be, oh he may play outside his wedding vows but he loves his life and his wife! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 On 4/1/2020 at 3:38 PM, MadlyDeeply said: I'm choosing to stay with my h but not for security only for our children. On 4/1/2020 at 3:38 PM, MadlyDeeply said: I would only leave for my mm as I'm in love with him, On 4/2/2020 at 9:58 AM, MadlyDeeply said: I'm staying for the children, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't want to just have a friendship with a h, In reading your thread I've noticed the above statements as well as many others in this thread pointing to you only caring about what works best for you. You don't seem to take your husband's feelings and needs into account or you would divorce him and lead your life. Don't you think he deserves to be with a woman who feels about him the way you do MM? Let me tell you there are plenty of women out here who would give their right arm for a man like him. Does it occur to you that while you are looking at your husband as a good friend that he may be viewing you the same and only keeping the peace not to hurt you and the kids also. Usually when one partner is no longer feeling it for the other it swings both ways. At least tell him the truth so you can both decide to either have and open marriage where both partners are happy or move forward to divorce. The MM sounds like he's talking out of both ends. He says he'll only divorce if he finds out his wife is cheating. You think if he does find out shes cheating, she will be gone and this will bring you and MM closer. You couldn't be more wrong. If he finds out she''s cheating and she leaves him you will see that he will back off, slow communication to a halt and won't be available. Why? because his mind will be on his wife and trying to get her back. Obviously the wife isn't too worried about him if he gets angry that she likes to go out and drink. He gets jealous because he probably knows how she acts when she drinks and doesn't want her around other men. He says he's cheated throughout his marriage but for all you know she could have been cheating too and it's always been a chase between them which fuels passion. You notice he can never deny that he loves her. He isn't staying for his grown kids, he's staying for her. When he tells you something remember you are only hearing one side of the whole story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said: So it's ok if it's just your husband that gets sick then? For goodness sake OP, divorce this man. Don't do this to another human being. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: You notice he can never deny that he loves her. He isn't staying for his grown kids, he's staying for her. Maybe. I think he stays for himself. If he found out she was cheating, it would be a terrible blow to his ego. You have admitted OP that this man has a pretty substantial ego - as a serial cheat, he would have to have a pretty significant ego and sense of entitlement to cheat on his wife repeatedly, with different women. But if HIS WIFE was to have an affair, he may then find himself playing the “pick me” game... his ego may not allow her to be the one to chose another and end the marriage. If he did discover she was cheating and divorce her on the spot, he would be a total hypocrite. What’s good for the goose, would apparently not be good for the gander. If that happened, it would also be a direct result of his ego... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, MadlyDeeply said: I'm feeling really sick now, I feel like such a bad person. I love my children more than the world, they are the best children ever. We have said we could continue to see each other but live separately which probably would be best around. With respect MD, I don’t really believe that for a second. If we are being honest here, I think if this man said tomorrow that he was going to divorce and wanted to be with you, you would do that in a second. I do however believe that you love your children. I think you have lost your way, and your priorities are all messed up right now. And, it hurts my heart to hear your struggle when you post. You believe every. single. word this lying, cheat of a man says... and that must be because you are in a sad and lonely place yourself. Still, you have children you need to protect - and right now, they almost need protection from their mother because you are making some really bad decisions... And, it’s not fair what you are doing to your husband. I forget, have you ever had any individual counselling? I see two things that would get you started on a good road - end all contact with this MM and find yourself a good counsellor. There may or may not be a problem with your marriage, but there is most definitely a problem inside of you... That is where you need to start, if you have any hope of being a happy and healthy person, wife, and mother... I’m praying for you. Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lylalou Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 MD I don’t know how old you are but I have to agree you seem very naive in your thoughts regarding this affair. You said if you were together, because your children are so important, you would have separate houses, the mental torture this would cause you would be immense. Always wondering who he was texting, talking to or meeting when you weren't together would crucify you, believe me I know and your sanity would be tested to the max, your head and your heart would be at odds again trying to work out if he loves you enough not to lie and cheat on you, like he has many times on his wife, it’s a flaw within him, sadly one woman will never be enough for him. You are living in fantasy land. Please please wake up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 First and foremost this man is a skilled liar, skilled cheater, and skilled manipulator. Nothing he says can be taken as truth. As someone else says, if his lips are moving, he is lying. Second, it is a common tactic to tell someone some "truth", ones that might hurt so that you can believe all the other lies. This is manipulation. It is so sad to watch you twist your life around for this man who will destroy your heart and soul when you keep giving yourself to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Madly, I don't think you are bad person. You have made some very bad choices however. And it is up to you how to move forward from this. You need to decide what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the kind of person who has an affair, who leaves the home in the middle of the pandemic lockdown to see one's lover? Okay, then accept that. Or do you want to be someone different? Then decide that, and take the steps to make the changes needed to be that person. Those steps may not be easy or quick, but if you feel strongly enough you can do it. Personally, I feel that people who make bad choices are not bad people, I judge on how they deal with those choices. You have the opportunity now to decide how you are going to deal with your choices. Again, what kind of person do you want to be? After d-day I decided I wanted to be someone who lived honestly and authentically. It was a long, hard, painful road but I am in a much better place now than I ever was in the affair. In fact I'm much happier, though my life is far from perfect. And as a sidenote, my H and I are fine now, yet lately we sleep in separate bedrooms. I need good sleep to deal with the issues facing us right now, and he snores so I sleep elsewhere. Plus, sleeping alone is really the only alone time I'm getting right now. So sleeping in separate rooms is not really indicative of anything, especially right now when everyone's lives have been upended and usual habits may have changed. This lockdown is almost giving you a natural cooling off/NC period. Please take advantage of that in order to clear your head and decide what is the best way to move forward. Some IC are doing video/phone calls, maybe look into that. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: Madly, I don't think you are bad person. You have made some very bad choices however. And it is up to you how to move forward from this. You need to decide what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the kind of person who has an affair, who leaves the home in the middle of the pandemic lockdown to see one's lover? Okay, then accept that. Or do you want to be someone different? Ah, but she assessed the risks and decided that it was worth it to see him. The fact that he wanted to meet, demonstrated their love and devotion to each other. Two star crossed lovers, coming together during a time of great danger... She assessed the risks and decided it was worth it, because she wanted the affection. And she didn’t want to end it by text, she felt that she owed her lover more than that. She felt that she owed her lover more than she owed her family health and safety. To MD, this wasn’t a “bad” decision. It was a calculated risk, one that brought her a reward. It’s hard to know the kind of person that you want to be, when you don’t actually see the harm in what you are doing... Edited April 11, 2020 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beca L Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 MadlyDeeply I've been reading this thread for a while and wanted to comment but not sure what I can say that hasn't already been said. People on here are giving you some great advice but it's up to you whether you decide to take it or not. I do understand how you feel and although others can't believe that you are being so reckless and naive I do get it, love is blind and at the moment you are totally blind. Your MM is extremely selfish and he doesn't love you or his wife, not in the way you want to be loved. He may actually believe that he loves you but the only person he really loves is HIMSELF !!! that is a fact. Everything he does is purely to satisfy his own wants and desires. If he really loved you he would never have asked you to come and meet him at a time when the rest of the world is on lock down and he wouldn't have wanted to put you or your family or is own family at any risk. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but you do need to wake up. This guy is no catch and personally I'm not sure why you are hanging around waiting for him or being his emotional crutch. Is he really worth it ? I very much doubt it. Yes, NC is hard, heartbreaking, painful, upsetting, lonely (remember I'm on my own but you actually have a husband) but it is not the end of the world and I'm sure you can do it. You need to end it with him, it will never work, not at the moment. You still have young kids at home, you need to focus on them, he is never going to leave her not ever. Especially not after 35 years of married life. You are not available to have a relationship with him whilst they are still young so he has no reason to leave, you are not available to be 100% there for him. I'm not sure if you are strong enough to do this but surely this lock down is a great start, you can't see him so do not contact him. He is a big boy let him get on with his own problems, they are not your problems. Just curious, you said he was your husbands BF, your MM thinks his wife is having an A with his BF, could that be your H? Is there any way he started an A with you to get back at his BS or your H? Sorry if I'm totally off the mark on this one. Anyway, I hope you don't think everyone is having a go at you. We are on the outside looking in and can see things as they play out. Stop believing all his terrible lies, his is a serial cheater. You would never, never, ever be able to trust him. Try to forget him and focus on your family. They are the ones who truly deserve your love and attention, not him! I'm still in NC, 16 weeks and counting. It's tough but I'm doing it. I won't go back to that dark desperate place. Take care xo xo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 op, you most certainly don't sound like a bad person to me, which is why the fact that you went to see this guy in person ( no kiss or farewell hand holding or hug I hope) really doesn't make sense to me in the overall picture of you as a person. there's almost a desperate quality to your words, why? what were you like. before you met this guy? back then, if you were consciously making a choice, were you able to do it with relative clarity? Go back to the way your mind was before you met this guy. If someone had asked you to meet them, and you knew it could present any risk to your family, would you have done it? Would you have asked your children/husband to unknowingly assume that risk? Would there have even been any question? I could be wrong, but my guess would be no. This is why I find your decision so confusing-it doesn't seem to mesh with "you". If what I'm proposing is correct, what's changed? What made this man more important to you? You could love this guy and not have gone to meet him-this is what I mean by "desperation". you sound like a nice person-why such a need to be with a guy who isn't treating you with all that much kindness? Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 I forgot to add that both you and your MM also put his BS at risk as well. I can't remember if you've put her age but if she's been married for 36yrs then she's probably close to a high risk category if not already there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyNorth Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 6 hours ago, pepperbird said: op, you most certainly don't sound like a bad person to me, which is why the fact that you went to see this guy in person ( no kiss or farewell hand holding or hug I hope) really doesn't make sense to me in the overall picture of you as a person. there's almost a desperate quality to your words, why? what were you like. before you met this guy? back then, if you were consciously making a choice, were you able to do it with relative clarity? Go back to the way your mind was before you met this guy. If someone had asked you to meet them, and you knew it could present any risk to your family, would you have done it? Would you have asked your children/husband to unknowingly assume that risk? Would there have even been any question? I could be wrong, but my guess would be no. This is why I find your decision so confusing-it doesn't seem to mesh with "you". If what I'm proposing is correct, what's changed? What made this man more important to you? You could love this guy and not have gone to meet him-this is what I mean by "desperation". you sound like a nice person-why such a need to be with a guy who isn't treating you with all that much kindness? It’s quite possible that OP was no longer attracted to her H. Or maybe the relationship was just no longer appealing. Maybe the MM produced a great attraction and OP could not fight her feelings. These things could have slowly developed over time which inevitably built up a giant snowball of romantic tension that exploded. OP and MM most likely have intense feelings toward eachother, even if it’s wrong, that will be hard to turn off. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 2 hours ago, JimmyNorth said: It’s quite possible that OP was no longer attracted to her H. Or maybe the relationship was just no longer appealing. Maybe the MM produced a great attraction and OP could not fight her feelings. These things could have slowly developed over time which inevitably built up a giant snowball of romantic tension that exploded. OP and MM most likely have intense feelings toward eachother, even if it’s wrong, that will be hard to turn off. And this justifies endangering her husband and children's lives how? Not to mention that of the MM's wife. These are not 2 stupid teenagers who don't know any better but adults with responsibilities. Trying to suggest their meeting was anything less than irresponsible is unbelievable, it's certainly not romantic or proof of some great love story however much you want to spin it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Quote no kiss or farewell hand holding or hug I hope OP has already admitted to the following, although what the extent of the intimacy only they know. Quote It felt amazing to be in his arms again after 3 weeks Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyNorth Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said: And this justifies endangering her husband and children's lives how? Not to mention that of the MM's wife. These are not 2 stupid teenagers who don't know any better but adults with responsibilities. Trying to suggest their meeting was anything less than irresponsible is unbelievable, it's certainly not romantic or proof of some great love story however much you want to spin it. Very true. But we must be keep an open mind that their just might be some real feelings of love from both sides. It happens. Of course many here are going to look at the many failures that come out of an AP becoming a real full blown open relationship. However, you have to admit that some spouses really have fell out of love long before any affair has started. Some divorce and meet someone after the divorce is done, and some people may meet there “soul mate” during rough times of a marriage. Im just saying it happens. I 100% wish I would have divorced first and then went on to have a real relationship that doesn’t involve a double life and keeping a mistress secret. It hurts ALL parties. But I did not do that...why you ask?? Because I was stuck in my own mind with the chaos that was happening in my own head. I never had a OW before and I was not prepared for what my own mind was going through. I know my OW did not want to be a OW. I’m fact she hated it! I had to take my head out of my butt and wake up. I had to logically think everything through. That’s what OP’s MM might be heading toward. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 42 minutes ago, JimmyNorth said: I never had a OW before I know you are projecting here, but this MM is not you, this MM is a man who has been cheating through-out his 34 year marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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