Oscar1993 Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 So two months or so ago me and my boyfriend were going through a rough patch. I spoke to my Dad about what was going on as I like to hear his advice. He must have said to me something along the lines of, maybe it's time to leave, to which I responded, it wasn't the right time because my boyfriend had an huge impending operation that he had been waiting for a really really long time, and if I left, he would have no where to live/no one to care for him. I don't think I was in the wrong to say this, I wasn't leading my boyfriend on, we had discussed splitting and he had expressedly asked me to stay until after the operation at least, to which I agreed. Anyway my boyfriend went back to work after the op today, he works with my stepmom. He was a little overwhelmed at work after his first day back and is still struggling with pain after his op a little. My stepmom comforted him and asked if everything was now ok between me and him to which he told her yes. She proceeded to tell him that I had said I was planning to leave him after the operation and I had only stayed with him because I felt sorry for him. Now, I am so angry. She has totally twisted what I told my Dad, and my boyfriend has suggested that if we were going to split that we wait until after the op, but things are ok now. Irrelevant of the situation and what I told my father (not discussed with her), was it her place to even say that? I guess she had my boyfriends best interests at heart, but what she said wasn't even the case. What am I supposed to do? I don't feel I have a relationship with her where I can confront her, I also don't want to put my boyfriend in an awkward position at work where she confronts him and asks why he told me, (why wouldn't he??). Do I bring it up with my Dad? Now I feel I can never have any sort of private conversation with him again. I get people in relationships tell each other things, but surely it should go no further. I am pretty upset and feel quite betrayed by her, she's my stepmom and I thought her loyalties would lay with me (not that it matters so much). Right now, I feel like I want to totally cut her out, who else could she have been saying things like that to? She's totally made me out to sound like an absolute bitch, anyone that hears her side of the story would think I'm absolutely awful, but she's twisted it. I am so upset. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 14, 2020 Share Posted March 14, 2020 Hi, Yes, you bring it up with your dad. What really matters here is your own continued harmonious relationship with your dad. No other blood relations are involved in this equation. When nobody else is around, you gently spell-out for your dad exactly what happened, and how details were misconstrued, etc. With regard to the actual specifics, you do bear some responsibility for having put it out there, the idea of staying together as a couple until after the operation. You know we live in a world where a teacher can't even whisper an unimportant phrase to the student in front of the class and have that student relay the EXACT same message all of the way to the back of the class. Real life is that way, only more... Ultimately, 20 years from now, you'll want to have the best relationship possible with your dad... and let it be up to him to explain to her the mess she enhanced. But you need to explain it clearly, to him, first. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 9 hours ago, Oscar1993 said: my boyfriend has suggested that if we were going to split that we wait until after the op, but things are ok now. This is the problem when new people enter family relationship dynamics, they cross boundaries, but so long as things are ok with your dad and ok with your boyfriend I would just shake my head about step-mother in a 'now I know what she's like' type way. 9 hours ago, Oscar1993 said: she's my stepmom and I thought her loyalties would lay with me (not that it matters so much). Right now, I feel like I want to totally cut her out, who else could she have been saying things like that to? She's totally made me out to sound like an absolute bitch, Our step-mother blocked our numbers six months after dad died, and didn't want any more to do with us, after years of being like a mother to us! I was blind-sided but my sister said she thought that would happen, she had warned me about it just after dad's funeral and I said 'no, she's not like that! She's just grieving!' I'm glad now looking back that we all behaved with dignity and compassion to her, honouring our father and the way he would have liked to think he raised us. He'd be proud, especially of my sister who had to deal with tons of practical stuff I was sheltered from being overseas. Let your annoyance subside before you do anything and remember, your dad can't realistically choose between his spouse and his adult child without a lot of heartache. You can be selective on what and how you tell him your private life in future; or if you tell him private things just expect some irritating interference from his wife! Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 10 hours ago, Oscar1993 said: maybe it's time to leave, to which I responded, it wasn't the right time because my boyfriend had an huge impending operation that he had been waiting for a really really long time, and if I left, he would have no where to live/no one to care for him. I don't think I was in the wrong to say this, I wasn't leading my boyfriend on, we had discussed splitting and he had expressedly asked me to stay until after the operation at least, to which I agreed. Snip She proceeded to tell him that I had said I was planning to leave him after the operation and I had only stayed with him because I felt sorry for him. To be honest it looks like your step mom didn't say anything wrong per se, seems like it's what you said to your dad. You said you were not breaking up now because of the operation only, not because you actually want to be with him. You shouldn't stay with someone just because they won't have anyone to look after them, that is feeling sorry for them. Your dad discussing what you told him with her is a separate issue that you need to talk to him about . But she didn't say anything wrong. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oscar1993 Posted March 15, 2020 Author Share Posted March 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: To be honest it looks like your step mom didn't say anything wrong per se, seems like it's what you said to your dad. You said you were not breaking up now because of the operation only, not because you actually want to be with him. You shouldn't stay with someone just because they won't have anyone to look after them, that is feeling sorry for them. Your dad discussing what you told him with her is a separate issue that you need to talk to him about . But she didn't say anything wrong. But as something that was not even discussed with her, why did she feel the need to meddle in something that was no business of hers? It was not her place to discuss with my boyfriend, as I would not discuss anything my Dad tells me about their relationship, with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 4 minutes ago, Oscar1993 said: But as something that was not even discussed with her, why did she feel the need to meddle in something that was no business of hers? It was not her place to discuss with my boyfriend, as I would not discuss anything my Dad tells me about their relationship, with her. Sorry I meant she didnt do anything wrong in the sense she didn't twist your words. But yes fair enough, her mentioning it at all is something you certainly can talk to her about. As you said they work together so I'm assuming see each other regularly so have built up a relationship. I know I have colleagues who I have gotten to know a lot more than others and have become good friends so I care about them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 50 minutes ago, Oscar1993 said: But as something that was not even discussed with her, why did she feel the need to meddle in something that was no business of hers? It was not her place to discuss with my boyfriend, as I would not discuss anything my Dad tells me about their relationship, with her. Probably best set a boundary around what you discuss, marital type relationships need to be private for just this reason I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 This is partially on you, partially on your father and partly on your step-mother. You should have made it clear to your father that you expected him to keep your conversation private. They are married and I'm sure that they share family information just as I do with my wife unless I'm asked to keep it confidential. Your father's fault is how he explained it to your step-mother. He may have put in nuances that you didn't include then your step-mother put in some assumptions that she derived from knowing you. It's the old party trick of telling one person a short story and having them pass it around to several people until the last one retells the story to you. The beginning and the end stories are quite different. Fuss about it for awhile to make yourself feel better then let it go. The BF was or is already history and not worth a huge riff in the family. But do learn something from this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Stepmom is 100% in the wrong. But so is your father. Your relationship with your bf is none of her business and its not her place to say things like that. Talk to your father and tell him that you told him things in confidence and that he broke it. Ask him to talk to his wife about her big mouth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Maybe you stepmother thought she was doing you a favor to get you off the hook with him. If I were your bf and someone wanted to break up with me I certainly wouldn't ask them to wait until after my surgery to do it. I would no longer want them around me. Does he have parents or siblings? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Am I right to be angry with stepmom? when i saw the thread title, i'm like. oh, hell yes. only because i'm against step parents in my family. purely on principle, you understand. nothing to do with how they got the title. surely there are parents nearby? if so, where are they? i am in my orphans lives. and hearing someone refer to someones partner, esp. a new one, using that title. hurts me. my guts wince. they are in no way a parent to my orphans, not while i'm standing right here. think of another title. one less hurtful. friend would do. confidant, it you're very lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
maintainsub Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 talk to your dad and tell him what happened so he can talk to your stepmom Link to post Share on other sites
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