Love story from Europe - grab a coffee....

[sanderson5]

Hi all

I have been considering doing this for few years but now the situation forced me to get my point of view out.
Little background info - Me and my wife are both europeans but different nationality and language.
I am 40 and she is 36 yrs old. We have two small kids.

We first met in the UK where we both worked as foreigners for the same company. As I was there little bit longer than her I had slightly higher position. She was a newbie. Our first encounter was when I was assigned to check her work. At that day she seemed stressed with the workload and complaining that the equipment did not work properly. She was quite cute and seemed despered so I offer her my help. From that day on I did everything I could so she could keep the job. She seemed glad that I was supporting her and started to like me. In few weeks she left her boyfriend and started to see me. Very soon we lived together.

During this period if someone had asked me what seemed odd on her I would say that she was in permanent unsatisfied state. When she came to UK she was in big debt which she blamed the government for. I loaned her some money to get rid of it sooner. I was forced to listen how her country let her down and that she had no intention to go back. Then she was complaining about her current job. I worked hard so she could keep it and also wrote her step by step guide on how to get promoted there (which was easy back then) and have the work easier. She did not follow it and instead kept on complaining. Eventually she changed the job and things went calmer for a year or so.

Then she started to complain about the place/town we worked at. She wanted out. I was little afraid to move out as I was making good money there and my ultimate goal was to go back to my country and buy a flat there.
She agreed with that and even said that she never want to go back to her country which let her down. She also said that she was educated and that on different place she would get much better paid job. The issue is that she did not do any action towards that goal - she was just talking about it. Looking back I believe that she knew I will help her again and that all she needed was to keep complaining till I cannot listen to it anymore and do something.

And I did.

I found a nice place on south of England where I found a job in factory. We moved there (as she wished) and I started to work as a saw operator. It was a hard job, I had my hand full of scars and had to be careful so I won´t loose my fingers on the saw. But I did it, I did it for her.
I wanted her to be happy. She was not able to find a job immediately (which is understandable) and was crying. I suffered because of this. In two weeks she got a job as a waitress in a nearby hotel. Things got calm again for few months. Then she started to dislike the work and searched for another job. She found it and started to work as a waitress in smaller hotel.

At that time I realised that her words about getting a much better paid job somewhere else would not become reality. I never mentioned it to her back then. Instead of it I started to work on my carrier as one of us had to have a good job so later we would be able to afford an appartment in my country. From a saw man I become first a cnc operator, then a cnc programmer and then a process engineer. This took me about two years. It was not easy, I had to learn many things very quickly. But I did it because I wanted family with that woman and we needed a place to stay.

After two years staying in south of England I finally conviced her to have a baby with me (she was 33 and saying that she still has time). Looking back I don´t understand why that I had to basically beg her. We were together 5 yrs already and loved each other. I thought it was the perfect time and knew that if I won´t push something she will not do anything.

The daughter came and our lives got more difficult (but in better way). Very soon she was able to have a part time job in the evenings as a waitress and I used to stay with daughter in the evenings after work. After the birth my wife became completely cold towards me up to today. But more about it later. What was worse for me was the fact that she started to blame me for everything (not the country, not the job, not the equipment). Basically whatever happened was my fault.

When the daughter was one year and even though my wife stopped to show any feelings towards me I asked her to have a second child so the daughter had someone to play with. It was tough but eventually she agreed and she got pregnant again.

This was the time to leave the UK and go back to my country to settle down. She asked me to first go to her country to give a birth to our son there and then move to my country. She said we would stay with at her parents´ place for a while. I was little concerned about it as for years I was listening her stories about her father who as she put it "hurt her a lot". But I trusted her judgement and agreed with moving there for a while and did everything in the way that this would happen.

Her parents had a country house with a garden. And a small, totaly untrained dog. Once we moved in with my little innocent daughter I noticed that the dog shows agressive behaviour not just to us but also to the little one. I pointed this out to my wife but she was so overwhelmed with the fact she is with parents that she belittle my worry completely and I knew I was alone on this. My school friend was almost killed in 80´s by the family dog so I did not underrestimate the situation. The dog started to threaten my kid more and more vividly (even my brother in law and his girlfriend noticed that). Finally I conviced my wife to talk about it with parents and she did. But since the dog was everything for them, they denied it and said that the dog does not like us because of me. My wife believed that - this was a huge pain in my heart. I was to blame for this, even this was my fault...

Soon after that a small family dinner took place. My daughter started to walk around the table and dog started to threaten. My wife and her paretns did not pay attention. As she came about 2 feet from him, the dog shown his teeth. My brother in law noticed it as well. I did not hesistate. I believed my daughter is in danger. I jumped out and hit the dog with my palm away of my child. Everyone stayed in shock (except for brother in law), in shock as why did I dare to touch their fluffy baby. My wife thought I got crazy. Her parents thought that I just hated their dog. (Side note - I myself had two dogs in my life and I very much loved them and missed them up to today).

Since this incident I knew we cannot stay there any much longer. Her father started to make scenes, shouted at us during the night that we should get lost from there, etc. He shouted at my pregnant wife who had just two weeks before the birth. We had no place to go in my country. I had no job there yet. I desperadly was searching for place to stay in my country during the night online so we can leave. He, as a part of his revenge, turned of the wifi in the evenings. It was bad. I was responsible for 4 people and had to do something quickly. One of the worst periods of my life.

Luckily I found us rent in my country and one month after the birth of my son we escaped. My wife said she did not want to see her father ever again. She said that he did not change. I believed her.

We moved to one bedroom flat in a city and I started to look for a job. This time it was harder than in England. I found something but had to leave after 3 months as I could not work in such conditions (call center AT&T). I left my job and in two weeks the landlord told me we have to move out as he is selling the flat.

I hit my bottom.

I had no idea what to do. I was responsible for four people and had no job or place to stay. My wife had been cold to me 2 years already. I asked my parents if they can help me and sell us their flat which they left to my young brother. I was ready to pay him off. They said no to me and my family. I was on my own.

Then I remembered something from a training I received 12 ago. It was - "Keep pushing". I did it and from the morning to evening I was searching for flats and jobs. Many refusals, many dissapointments I but kept on.

It took three months but I found a flat which we could afford to buy in my home town. My wife agreed and we moved.

New job offer also appeared - a middle management position in a field I did not know much about. It was the only offer I had so during the interview I successfully pretended that I know the subject and since they hired me I am learning every day to be on the right level of expertise.
The management even did not notice that I have just an elementary school education. My colleagues are all university graduates...

To cover this was not easy but as a father and husband I am responsible for my family well-being so I am not complaining. I have to commute 1,5 hrs both ways and work 9-10 hrs daily. In the evenings I can barely play with kids but I am trying. On the other hand, at weekends I get my sleep and we go for a family trip or walk. My wife is on maternity support (which I managed for her in my country) and still will be for about two years.

I found her a language teacher who gives her skype lessons of my language every week. I also got in touch with my family so she can learn quicker. When she learns, I am with the kids. I want to give her the support in foreign country I never had.

Congratulations, now you know the basic background of my issue.

Now to the point, shall we?

I mentioned that after the birth of our daughter the wife became totally cold to me. What did I mean? In better days - when I come from work she tells me what she cooked and talks about kids. Then she is with them till the evening or if they sleep she learns. I am not in her schedule. She comes to me only when she needs something. For sex I have to beg or negotiate. This is very hard for a faithful man who find his wife attractive as much as the first day. I also train twice per week to be attractive for her but it goes nowhere. My basic needs are being ignored. This was an example of a good day. In the bad day she starts to reproach me with old things. I explain my position on them, she doesn´t answer and change the topic. Yet, in a week time she brings them back to the table and hit me with a bunch of ten new accusations within one minute on top of that. I don´t even have time to defend myself. I am to be blamed for everything in her life.

Her accusations become overwhelming to me. Some of them are historical (what I did in the past) and some even what I will do in the future.

To give you example of the historical accusation which I learned this week: "In 2012 you told me that you don´t believe a human can have spirit, explain!"

To give you example of the accusation of my future actions: "You will never let me travel with my kids to my home country!"

I must admit I do not remember everything I said in 2012 and surely I do not know what I will think in one year about traveling.

In order to fix these accusations I developed a system - I wrote an action plan where she can write one problem she has with me, offer solution and if it is ok with me, make a plan where we can monitor the progress. Because I really want her to be happy and as a male cannot handle so many problems at once. Just one by one. For me to be motivated even more to fix her issues I told her that she could write one item in the list each time we have sex. It might be selfish from me but since I do not get any love or attention from her I thought it is a good idea to feel some intimacy with her again. At the end of the day I am a healthy man. It is very hard to focus on something when you are absolutely sexually and emotinally starved.

She said that I am a perv that I want sex each time I want to fix some of her problem. But from my point I have been fixing her issues from the day one. I don´t deserve to get some love back?

Out of 100 problems she has with me - the biggest one is that she wants to go for a week (that´s the beginning, as I know her she will want more and more) to see her parents with kids alone. Don´t get my wrong, even after that incident and after she said she does not want to go back we went there many times already. Each time I have a holiday we go there, also she went there twice last year on her own and I stayed with the kids.

But I am not comfortable to let her go there with kids. Things changed there. Now her parents have even a second dog, much bigger one - a labrador. They built a fence but already twice (when we were there) the dog was not locked and encounter with child on his own took place. Luckily in both occassions me or my wife got there in time and caught the dog or the child. The big dog is untrained as well. With her parents´approach and untrained dogs I am not ok with them to go there without me. Our babies are too small and my wife cannot watch them constantly. They also have a hatch to the basement which is 7 feet deep and many times they leave it opened. My kid could fall down on concrete and hurt herself badly. Her parents are remiss - her father even did not want to use child seats for my kids in the car.

My wife thinks that I hate her country and parents. But I am really just afraid my kids to be in such enviroment without my supervision. They are small and defenceless. I am their father, I have to protect them as much as I can. It is my job. My wife thinks I am crazy. But when I talked to another fathers (three guys) they all told me the same thing - they wouldn´t want their kids to be there. One of them made a point which got stuck in my head since then - 1) untrained dogs 2) remiss owner 3) small kid = odds you don´t want to take.

And here we are - my wife hates me for this. She makes my life a hell. Few days ago when I apologised for many wrong doings she believed I did to her I was hoping that now she shows me some love. But no. She came up with this again - she hates me for it. For my love and care for our kids.

Her parents are always welcomed here (even after what happened), we travel there during all of my holidays... But it is not good enough. She tells me that I don´t respect her. But does she respect that I don´t want my kids to be hurt? That I don´t want to be without them for a week?

Meantime I am a man who is approached only when he has to fix something, buy something or do something. And I am to blame for everything.

I am dreaming about a wife who would love me, cuddle up to me (without wanting something) and who would sleep with me.

Please let me know your thoughts on my points of view. Maybe I am doing something seriously wrong and my wife deserves someone better.

[lil_missy]

How is this a love story? This is a tragedy! 

I feel very sorry for you OP. You seem like a good man. I really can’t say why your wife is treating you so bad except it seems like she doesn’t love you anymore.

sounds like she’s only with you coz of the two kids and unable to leave because she depends on you financially. 

I wanna ask what do you still love about her? Do you guys have any good times together? And why in the world do you put up with this??