Why Cheat?

[Tammy823]

Hello all.  A friend of mine shared with me that she is dating a married man, who has been married for 27 years with 3 grown kids. She is married with kids still in school. She’s 46 and he’s 53.  I’m not
judging them, because my past isn’t squeaky clean. They have been dating for a year now, never have had sex, but have kissed, hugged, and touch each other. They spend every chance they can talking on the phone, texting, and spending time together. She said they are planning to be intimate really soon. They are deeply in love with each other, and neither plan on leaving their spouse. I have been married for 20 years, and for me I don’t understand why a man whose been married so long is cheating??  Almost 30 years and has been dating my friend for a little over a year. Why???  
 

He told her that he loves his wife, him and his wife do things together, trips, dates etc. so why is he cheating???  Let’s chat about this.

Edited March 15, 2020 by Tammy823

[scotchnstout]

Isn't your friend married too.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, scotchnstout said:

Isn't your friend married too.

I agree.  OP your friend should be able to answer your question since she is doing the exact same thing as the MM.  Her answer will tell you the reason for both of them.

[Tammy823]

Yes, she is. I know her reason. Just trying to get some ideas, as to why someone that’s been married for that long is cheating. 

[stillafool]

Well what were her reasons?

[Tammy823]

She stated that she never intended to deal with him, but strictly friends, then they got close (isn’t that how it always happens).  Anyhoo, in the mean time she is planning to leave her husband.  Based on what she tells me about him, he’s not doing the same.  I’ve asked her, why is he with her, and she doesn’t know, lol. 

[nospam99]

As a husband who didn't cheat but DID stop having sex with ex-wife

1) wife gets fat or otherwise loses her physical appeal
2) wife loses HER desire for sex
3) marriage relationship has become hostile: wife cheats, wife get STD, money arguments, parenting arguments, cooperation arguments
4) multi-year separation and/or divorce wrangling
5) wife becomes abusive to either husband or children
6) wife develops dangerous lifestyle: drug addiction, criminal activity

[sothereiwas]

1 hour ago, Tammy823 said:

Just trying to get some ideas, as to why someone that’s been married for that long is cheating. 

I know a guy who set out to cheat because his then-wife would never leave him unless he did. He didn't want another woman, but being with her was making him literally suicidal (so he said, and I believe) and her personal moral compass wouldn't allow a divorce without cause, as it were. So he, being a pragmatic planner of things, went out and gave her cause. I doubt this is typical, but I would guess there are about as many reasons as their are people. 

While I admire his planning and execution, I have to say I don't think I'd have the stones to follow through like that. I guess we never know until pushed far enough though. 

[DKT3]

People put a lot of makeup on pigs but the bare pig is selfish self centered and shortsighted. 

A lot of married men cheat simply because there are women willing to cheat with them. 

Women like your friend believe it's all love and amazing connection because sex is a small part or in her case they haven't had intercourse yet. But sex is being had in his marriage so it's not like he isnt getting any.  

We dont get alot of MM posting, but when we do the affair sounds very different from their perspective then they do coming from the women.  On the rare occasion we get one who actually is in love with the MW/OW most often its simply not that deep for him, a little fun as long as they don't get caught.  Once caught they ghost.  Just go over to the other people section you will see it playing out thread after thread.

[Tammy823]

Thank you all so much.  I was actually thinking sine he had yet to have sex with her, although they are planning on it proves he is getting it at home too.  It’s a very weird arrangement, because he almost spends every waking moment talking to my friend when he can. He makes sure she’s informed about his day-to-day actions, no matter what it is. They buy each other gifts for Xmas, etc.  they go to the movies, etc.  I’m trying to be there to listen, but I’m tired of hearing about her affair. She says she can’t talk to anyone else about. 

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Tammy823 said:

Thank you all so much.  I was actually thinking sine he had yet to have sex with her, although they are planning on it proves he is getting it at home too.  It’s a very weird arrangement, because he almost spends every waking moment talking to my friend when he can. He makes sure she’s informed about his day-to-day actions, no matter what it is. They buy each other gifts for Xmas, etc.  they go to the movies, etc.  I’m trying to be there to listen, but I’m tired of hearing about her affair. She says she can’t talk to anyone else about. 

tell her that then. if she was a drug addict going on about her fixes, would you sit and listen to that too?

[Tammy823]

I’ve told her

[thefooloftheyear]

5 hours ago, Tammy823 said:

I was actually thinking sine he had yet to have sex with her, although they are planning on it proves he is getting it at home too.  

Fallacy...

He could easily be visiting prostitutes or has even another woman on the hook he is banging that your friend or his wife knows nothing about...At this stage in time, getting available women to have sex with, unless he looks like an absolute troll, is about as easy as a walk in the park...

TFY

[schlumpy]

I think the main component of an affair is the attention and the emotions that go with it. It's just such a nice feeling for someone to visibly show how much they want you stripped of all the mundane tasks that go with living day-to-day and the effort you must put in to maintain a marriage.

[mark clemson]

IMO there seem to be three main "types". Those who seek it out despite everything being fine in their marriage/relationship. They want "extra" - e.g. extra sex and/or validation etc. Some of them are probably higher than normal on the sociopathy spectrum (which doesn't not necessarily make them "all bad").

There are those who are unhappy in their marriage/primary relationship who seek comfort in an affair instead of doing the more difficult work of grappling with the issues and/or leaving/divorcing. They take the "garden path" of an affair as an easy way out. Often it turns out to be not so easy after all, but they often don't realize that at the beginning. In some of these cases they are actively "punishing" their spouses for whatever perceived misdeeds, but I'd guess that's not the majority of these cases.

A final group is when a friendship between the wayward and some other person develops into an "emotional affair" (strong feelings, but no physical activity) and then sometimes from there to a physical affair. This is a "slippery slope" phenomomena.

[Prudence V]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There are those who are unhappy in their marriage/primary relationship who seek comfort in an affair instead of doing the more difficult work of grappling with the issues and/or leaving/divorcing

Or, they’ve tried that, repeatedly over the years, had promises of change, but ultimately.... nothing. They want to leave, but feel obliged to stay, to “keep the home together” for the kids. In some cases, there may have been a trial separation, that worked really well for the fed-up spouse, but badly for the kids, such that when the problem spouse begs to return, the fed-up spouse feels obligated to allow this “for the sake of the kids”, acting against their own best interest. Yet this taste of freedom during the separation has taught them that life isn’t only suffering. If they dated during that time, they may have experience of other, healthier ways of relating, and may yearn for that. And, once the problem spouse backslides into all the behaviours they promised they’d change in exchange for being allowed back, it can feel like a life of being trapped with no way out, until the kids are old enough to face another split. And then, when it all seems hopeless, here presented with a chance of affection, intimacy, love... They try to resist, but their own needs are so great after decades of giving, giving, giving, and getting so little back, that before they know it they’ve tumbled head first into an all-consuming affair. 

[Fletch Lives]

There are two main reasons People cheat:

1) Lack of integrity

2) The person is falling out of love, or is just not in love (for whatever reason) with their significant other anymore, and feels resentment toward them.

People stay unhappily married because they are afraid to leave, or have not grown to hate their spouse enough to leave (not yet anyway). Or, they never loved them from the start. People are generally afraid of change - so they put a band-aid on it, and have an affair.

Edited March 17, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Tammy823]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Or, they’ve tried that, repeatedly over the years, had promises of change, but ultimately.... nothing. They want to leave, but feel obliged to stay, to “keep the home together” for the kids. In some cases, there may have been a trial separation, that worked really well for the fed-up spouse, but badly for the kids, such that when the problem spouse begs to return, the fed-up spouse feels obligated to allow this “for the sake of the kids”, acting against their own best interest. Yet this taste of freedom during the separation has taught them that life isn’t only suffering. If they dated during that time, they may have experience of other, healthier ways of relating, and may yearn for that. And, once the problem spouse backslides into all the behaviours they promised they’d change in exchange for being allowed back, it can feel like a life of being trapped with no way out, until the kids are old enough to face another split. And then, when it all seems hopeless, here presented with a chance of affection, intimacy, love... They try to resist, but their own needs are so great after decades of giving, giving, giving, and getting so little back, that before they know it they’ve tumbled head first into an all-consuming affair. 

Yeah, but from what she tells me is that he loves his wife and family. All of his kids are in college.  He spends time with his wife, etc.  he gives my friend a lot of his attention too.  Like I said I’m not here to judge, but it sounds like he’s happy at home, so again why cheat. Lol. 

[Tammy823]

3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

There are two main reasons People cheat:

1) Lack of integrity

2) The person is falling out of love, or is just not in love (for whatever reason) with their significant other anymore, and feels resentment toward them.

People stay unhappily married because they are afraid to leave, or have not grown to hate their spouse enough to leave (not yet anyway). Or, they never loved them from the start. People are generally afraid of change - so they put a band-aid on it, and have an affair.

I agree. He has told her he loves his wife though. She said they do things together, etc.  i just can’t put my finger on it. I told her to just ask the man 

[stillafool]

On 3/15/2020 at 12:15 PM, Tammy823 said:

 I’m trying to be there to listen, but I’m tired of hearing about her affair. She says she can’t talk to anyone else about. 

If you are tired of talking about your friend's affair with her why are you able to talk about her affair on a forum?

Edited March 17, 2020 by stillafool

[preraph]

He likes the variety of having another person in his life. I'm surprised it hasn't already gone sexual but maybe he's worried about bringing a disease home to the wife. And who really knows what they're doing sexually. maybe she's giving him BJ's everyday. We don't know. Some people don't count that as sex but for a man he'd rather have that than anything else usually so he would be perfectly happy with that arrangement and it would minimize the danger of bringing a disease home. 

 

When I was young I was very good friends with a married guy, hung out with him and his band and was friends with them and sometimes traveled with them and his wife along. Eventually him and his wife separated because of something she did and he ran straight to me, which was a mistake. I thought he was cute and sweet and a good friend but I wasn't in love with him. At his separation he had three women he was interested in and I was at the top of the list he said. 

 

something I didn't know about him until then was that he couldn't spend 24 hours alone which was a big shock to me. He didn't seem like that type at all and the fact that he was rarely home just gave me no reason to think he would be someone who had to always have a partner. Anyway there's all kinds of reasons. 

[2BGoodAgain]

fantasies are....addictive... especially the ones where you think you love someone but really, you just love the way they make you feel... two distinctly different things.

Edited March 17, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[Fletch Lives]

Quote

He has told her he loves his wife though.

- Anybody can say that. But actions scream.

Quote

She said they do things together, etc.

 - Lot's of people do, even friends.

 

If you want to know why he cheats, lack of integrity or resentment........Does he have integrity? If so, it's the other.

[2BGoodAgain]

36 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

- Anybody can say that. But actions scream.

 - Lot's of people do, even friends.

 

If you want to know why he cheats, lack of integrity or resentment........Does he have integrity? If so, it's the other.

sometimes it's not resentment... it's pure selfishness. in the end, once you scrap past all the excuses and justifications and rationalizations....

[pepperbird]

I don't kn ow if there's any one reason, except that the person who chooses to do so has very poor ethics. That can be situational or just who they are.
One thing they almost always are is a coward.