UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ollie180]

Hey, so this is like a parenty/relationshipy/friendshipy crossover question, but a friend of mine recommended this site for an offload so here goes...

A little background, because I guess it's important... I never knew my own father. I had a step dad, and I wish I didn't, I don't have anything nice to say about him, he was a drunk and a violent one. My mum left him when I was 8 and I've never seen him since. Sadly my beautiful mum got sick when I was 13 and passed away, and I went into the foster system.

I met this girl when I was 16 at school. We we're proper opposites, I just always seemed to have a way of getting myself in a barney, whereas she, she was calm and a bit reserved and sensible and had her head screwed on. On paper it shouldn't of worked but in reality it did, we were really happy, her parents weren't impressed at all, but she ended up delaying uni and we went travelling.

We we're 19 and on a beach in Malaysia when she told me we we're done. She wanted to get serious and I wasn't the bloke she saw that with I guess. She went home next day, and it took me another 6 weeks to decide that me life was better with her it. So I went back home, but she was dating someone else. He was everything that I'm not, and everything that she was, and I decided that maybe that was how it should be. So I left again.

And I didn't hear a dicky from her for another 16 years.

...Till she contacted me on fb couple of months ago.

I feel like this is like chapter 2 now, so hold your hats.. She wanted to meet, but she kept pushing the date, saying she was ill or busy. I thought it was weird, till I met her early last month.
Fast facts:
- She married this lad she met after we split up
- They raised a daughter together
- Only.. this daughter wasn't his 
- He was a solider and he was killed on duty when this girl was 8
- Meaning my ex became a 'solo mum'
- And the kicker is that she, my ex, she got diagnosed with cancer in December, and it's, basically at a stage where there's not anything they can do to make it not, terminal.

............I didn't react very well.
It was just so much information so quickly.. I just couldn't process it. I did ask for a paternity test though.

To cut a long story short, we got the results of that a couple of weeks later, which proves what she says and so I met her again then...

I told her straight that I feel like it's fair enough if I wasn't the guy for her, but i wasn't a bad guy, I never treated her badly, and was never her right to decide that someone else could have been a better father to my kid. I'm a bit unconventional as people go, I'm a bit different, but I've always wanted my own family, I was disappointing that hadn't happened for me yet in life. I was always so sure that if I had a kid I'd do it right, they wouldn't grow up the way I did, I'd give them everything that I never had.
And I feel like it wasn't her choice to make, and she robbed me of the chance of all that. My dad left before I was born, I would never have done that, but she didn't give me a choice.

She basically said that.. at the time she didn't think I was ready (I probably wasn't - but I would of grown into it - I guess we'll never know now), and that she had fun with me, but that she saw this solid family with him, and he didn't want me in the picture.

I asked her why now? Like she must know other people, and if I was such a poor bet for a father before then why now.

And she said "Because she's your daughter Ollie180. I saw it in that first really proper school report she got 'DD gets on well with her classmates, perhaps too well as she chats too much in class, and definitely feels comfortable in the spotlight', and I've seen it everyday since more and more. I raised her, but my god she's your daughter! She's got such a kind heart, she charismatic, shes always glass half full, she sees the big picture but never has time for the details and sometimes she's so foolhardy that it scares me! Oh and there's only one other person I've ever met who lights up a room quite the same way she does!"

I didn't know what to say really, not a problem I usually have, but I just felt so many things at once.

And while I sat there she went "and because in the middle of all of this is a kid who's world is about to turn upside down. I wanted her to have a childhood like mine, because I thought that was right, I wanted that stability for her, (she started to get more upset) but that's not something I'm going to have been able to give her, and if there's anybody at all that could relate to her now then it's you Ollie, I know that it's you."

Brrhhhhh...
I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

There's no discussion to be had over what I do, I'll be there for her, as much as I can possibly be. She's my kid, and I always promised myself I wouldn't let any kid of mine down.

I just, it's hard..... so far I've met her once. Only like an introduction really, for a couple of hours with her mum too. It was okay, it was a bit awkward. But I'm going to see her again this week, her mum's taken a bit of a bad turn so they've been to the hospital quite a bit. I'm going to try and take her out just me and her.. It's so difficult though.. like i knew when i was with her that I was trying to hard and I was probably coming off like a tool. I just want so bad to like make up for 15 years of history that we don't have. And then at the same time this girl is going through a horrible horrible time, so she's hardly in the best place for 'fun trips out'.

I don't know what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just reaching out for advice..
How do I play this?
How regularly should I be seeing her? talking to her?
How tf do I parent a 15 year old?

Sorry that ended up such an essay, I just feel like no one I know knows how to help, or what to say.

Edited January 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member requested title edit

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Heavy.  What's the plan for guardianship if her mom passes away?  What would be best for the child is to go live with a relative she already knows (grandparents/aunt/uncle) and you just be a friend while you get to know each other.  Maybe when she's 18 she'd choose to stay with you.?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

God, this is immediately one of the most incredibl(y wonderful, really) stories I've ever read on Loveshack.

 

SEPARATE lots of things... and thoughts...

 

YOU... ARE  allowed  to have the whole gamut of reactions/feelings...   (and NOBODY will be able to tell you what is "right" in that area)

 

The daughter...   will be an amazing treasure...   (girls are in many ways better  to raise, than boys, because you get to worry about them more  /  *invest* more of yourself IN them)

 

BUT...  you don't get warm-ups...    you don't get  training...     for  it is GAME TIME,  nooooooooooooooooow !!!

 

There are no poopy diapers... no tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime going by somewhat laboriously as you await  prominent traits of individuality in your daughter...   she's unique, and she's HERE...  and it's time !!!

Indeed you missed so much... BUT today she arrives to you with considerable NEEEEEEEEEEED which you CAN fill.

 

Yet we all pray for her reasonable-ish, well-adjusted-ish spirit... SO THAT she is ready  to invest the same in YOU as you need to invest in her.

 

Beyond all that, just be yourSELF...   and communicate to her that sheeeeeeeeeeeee need only be HERself as well, to facilitate the best and speediest chance that each can be the best possible role-filler for the other.

 

IF she turned up as your (new responsibility) ... and she...   had some sort of a health condition which affected her life...  you'd want/need/know-it-appropriate  to have the exact realities relating to any limitations it put upon her.   In the same way... just knowing *her-her* today... even if without health concerns, etc. ...   IS majorly important.

 

And better you let HER tell it...  than get it 3rd-hand from some other source...     (as much because HER telling-it would begin to foster the honest, open relationship that you'll want to know and feel with your daughter, as because of needed clarity)

 

The more honest you allow/inspire her to be now, the more you will *get*...   of those lost years,  now that you're here.

 

When (your) mental upheaval subsides from all of this...  you will see it as nothing but wonderful.

 

(and unlike a lot of fathers...   YOU bear ZERO guilt in any of this)

 

In fact, this is like entering a shopping mall:

 

(you walk in... no matter whether you know what state or town you're in or not...)   and there's a SIGN  (right when you'd been looking for a sign): 

 

(miraculously, that sign says:  )  "You are HERE"

 

(and suddenly, everything else relates to that -   and you know you're gonna be all right)

 

 

 

 

[JS84]

Sounds like congratulations are in order. Just be easy with your daughter. She's dealing with gaining a parent she doesn't know from a rando on the street and losing the one she's known her entire life at the same time. If you think your mind is spinning try to keep hers in your fore thoughts. She's going to need time to process losing her mom and then time to grieve afterwards. Be there for her but I don't think now is a great time to try to force missed time into her life. She's going to need a modicum of space to deal with losing her mother. Doesn't mean you have to hide in the shadows but try to follow at her speed instead of feeling the need to set the pace yourself.

 

Edited March 16, 2020 by JS84

[SurfsUpBuck]

22 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Heavy.  What's the plan for guardianship if her mom passes away?  What would be best for the child is to go live with a relative she already knows (grandparents/aunt/uncle) and you just be a friend while you get to know each other.  Maybe when she's 18 she'd choose to stay with you.?

So is your ex talking about her moving in with you?

Edited March 16, 2020 by SurfsUpBuck

[Ollie180]

22 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Heavy.  What's the plan for guardianship if her mom passes away?  What would be best for the child is to go live with a relative she already knows (grandparents/aunt/uncle) and you just be a friend while you get to know each other.  Maybe when she's 18 she'd choose to stay with you.?

So she lives with her mum at the mo but long term basically the options are:

She could go to Oz, that’s where her ‘dads’ family are. She speaks to them obv but hasn’t seen them loads because Oz is far.... 1) She doesn’t want to move there, doesn’t want to leave her friends or life, she’s apparently been very clear on that! 2) from my own point of view - I’ve lost 15 years of my daughters life, I don’t want to lose her to the other side of the globe now.

I guess her pick right now would be that she moves in with her best mate.. she’s currently staying there a lot, however there’s a big difference between ‘staying over’ and ‘moving in’. Though I totally get that’s where she feels most comfortable.

 

My ex is keen that she doesn’t end up in the care system -  knows (my own experience being what it is) that I wouldn’t let that happen!

allnin all though she’s old enough to understand the circumstances and decide how she feels about it all!

[Ollie180]

22 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The daughter...   will be an amazing treasure...

I really hope so, I really hope we can get to having a strong relationship!

Quote

 no tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime going by somewhat laboriously as you 

await  prominent traits of individuality in your daughter...   she's unique, and she's HERE...  and it's time !!!

I like that! That is a nice way of thinking about it.. it’s mad as well.. like one day I didn’t have a scooby she even existed and the next I have a kid, and not just a kid but a kid that’s a proper grownup person!

Yet we all pray for her reasonable-ish, well-adjusted-ish spirit... 

SO THAT she is ready  to invest the same in YOU as you need to invest in her.

yeah, I mean when I met her.. even though it was fairly brief.. she wasn’t huge open arms but she also wasn’t completely closed off to me (which she potentially could have been)

Quote

And better you let HER tell it...  than get it 3rd-hand from some other source...     (as much because HER telling-it would begin to foster the honest, open relationship that you'll want to know and feel with your daughter, as because of needed clarity)

yeah I get that! Just, like, make her feel accepted!

Edited March 16, 2020 by Ollie180

[Ollie180]

3 hours ago, JS84 said:

Sounds like congratulations are in order. Just be easy with your daughter. She's dealing with gaining a parent she doesn't know from a rando on the street and losing the one she's known her entire life at the same time. If you think your mind is spinning try to keep hers in your fore thoughts. She's going to need time to process losing her mom and then time to grieve afterwards. Be there for her but I don't think now is a great time to try to force missed time into her life. She's going to need a modicum of space to deal with losing her mother. Doesn't mean you have to hide in the shadows but try to follow at her speed instead of feeling the need to set the pace yourself.

 

Yeah I get that I do! I’m hoping that I’ll get a better idea of how she feels tomorrow! I think it was different last time because her mum was there too and it all felt quite formal and a little awkward, I’m hoping we can just have a more relaxed chat tomorrow.
 

38 minutes ago, SurfsUpBuck said:

So is your ex talking about her moving in with you?

She talked about it as an option yeah

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

41 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

 

allnin all though she’s old enough to understand the circumstances and decide how she feels about it all!

Yes, she is!  Did the "dad" ever adopt her before he died?

[Ollie180]

7 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Yes, she is!  Did the "dad" ever adopt her before he died?

No, but she didn’t know till recently that he wasn’t her biological dad

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

9 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

No, but she didn’t know till recently that he wasn’t her biological dad

Awww, poor girl.  She has had a lot to deal with in her young life :(.  Maybe you should have a sit-down with her BFF's parents and see if they can be kindof a fallback place for her to go if you become official permanent custodian.  So, custody resides officially with you, but until she gets comfortable (or when she needs a breather), she can stay with them.

[Ollie180]

On 3/16/2020 at 9:21 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

 Maybe you should have a sit-down with her BFF's parents and see if they can be kindof a fallback place for her to go if you become official permanent custodian.

I'd really like that to be fair! I feel like it's coming on a bit too strong for me to make any moves like that now, but I would really like that.  I think just to know some people that she knows would just integrate me into her life a little more as well.. I don't know anyone she talks about and she doesn't know anyone in my stories either, which I think always makes you feel more like strangers

Edited March 17, 2020 by Ollie180

[Ollie180]

So I picked her up from school today as planned. She met me at the car with her best mate (that she stays with) and asked if she could come too. I kinda thought like, I do get it, it probably means she has been a bit stressed about it, so I figured I could roll with it.

Obviously there's a limit on what we could do a little with the whole CV19.. nice evening though so I too them to this cool little milkshake bar and then we just drank them on the beach.

It was quite chilled really.. for quite a long time we didn't talk about anything that heavy, we just talked.. but it felt very.. easy. Which after last time I was worried it maybe wouldn't be.
It's funny because I feel like we actually do just click a little bit, we get on. She's just proper funny as well, like a real little riot, makes me genuinely really laugh.

She told me she doesn't really enjoy school - at least not the lessons. I said that I found school didn't really suit me, me being ADHD and dyslexic. She reacted really strongly to that! Told me she's dyslexic. Told me she's wondered many times how she could be the kid of two such perfect people.. and that she guesses now it all makes sense! Fs haha!

So I drove them home and then bff got out the car and DD told her she'd come inside in a minuet..
She said that she was annoyed because she'd spent all day telling bff that I was probably a d**k and she probably wouldn't like me and now she was going to have to go inside and take it back!
I was like 'I take it that means you're up for seeing me again then'
She said "Yeah, but only for the milkshake......and I'm sorry Ollie, for what it's worth. I love my parents but I don't agree with the way they treated you, I get this is s*** for you too and I'm sorry"

I thought that was very mature given the circumstances. We probably sat in the car for another 10 mins or so chatting then when she went to leave she was like "Mum's got chemo Thursday, [my exs friend] can't take us but we were getting a taxi, you could drive us if you want"
I said 'of course I would but I needed to check her mum was okay with that!' (I don't want to intrude into my exs life!)

I did walk up and speak to my ex at the door though, said we'd had a nice time and that, and that she made me laugh.
My ex was like 'Do you see it though? She has this coping strategy of being excessively optimistic. Keep smiling, keep making people laugh, and then it's hard for people to see through that. I think that's something you know all to well'

I think she's probably right!

She gave me a grilling about the hospital trip too. Said that she was only saying yes for DD. And gave me the third degree about being "committed" if I'm going to be in DD's life like this. That she doesn't need "fireworks, she needs reliable".

Personally, I think that's all a bit cheeky, given everything.. but I also get that she is just trying to do the best by her kid, so I'm cool with it really!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Your report is fine... and favorable...

 

BUT ... this was a strange sense of much of what might have occurred wouldn't/shouldn't have mattered...  because it was ALL    ***her***   or ALL  ***you*** (from her perspective)

 

It'd be akin to you taking her to a grocery store... sending her to one side of the store with an empty cart... and you going to the other side with your empty cart...    and telling her in advance: 

 

"we are preparing for 5 days in a cabin somewhere...  (OR 8 weeks in coronavirus quarantine)...  so just pick out what you like, and I'll pay for it in the end"

 

EVERYTHING she selected would be more note-taking material  and not much else  (except in the event that you too learned to like the cereal that looks like Hershey's Kisses which she picked-out).

 

It's KINDA FUN  to be at a stage where every iota of the specifics just DEFINE her...    (and that it all happens at once...    instead of handing her a bunch of dumb things at X-months old, and trying to GUESS whether she's left handed or right handed, based on which hand reaches for them.   THE ANSWERS are by now ALL quite clear...   YOU just get to know them all at once, which is so rare)

 

Your report indicated a good stepping stone...    the first of many more to follow.

 

What an obvious blessing...  and considerably unique for her, too... to now know that her bio father is still there for much of the rest of her life... 

 

And she can opt to sit and judge her mom... OR she can come to recognize, as I did...  a few entries earlier in this thread...

 

that the sign that says:      "You are HERE"  is more important than that.

 

It is SO ODD to be in a scenario where somebody   "AUTOMATICALLY means SOMEthing to you".

 

If both parties *get it*  at the same time...    it tends to end up a great, shared joy.

 

So you are on your way...

 

 

(and as for the ex...   There aren't too many things higher on the LIST of what could be SOOOOOOOOO GRAND in the ex's life, during the near future, than to know that you and your shared daughter hit-it-off on many levels)

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Ellener]

On 3/15/2020 at 4:32 PM, Ollie180 said:

I feel so many things, I feel so sad for everything I feel like I've lost, and angry about it too. I also feel really sad that she's sick, cause I still care about her, I don't think that ever stops when you've loved someone. Then on top of that there's this 15 year old girl, and truth is I have been where she is, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Oh honey, what a lot to process, and fast!

Within a short time it looks like you will be established as a parent, via an unconventional route, but that doesn't seem to phase you.

Good luck, wishing you every happiness from all this.

[Ollie180]

20 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It'd be akin to you taking her to a grocery store... sending her to one side of the store with an empty cart... and you going to the other side with your empty cart...    and telling her in advance: 

"we are preparing for 5 days in a cabin somewhere...  (OR 8 weeks in coronavirus quarantine)...  so just pick out what you like, and I'll pay for it in the end"

EVERYTHING she selected would be more note-taking material  and not much else  (except in the event that you too learned to like the cereal that looks like Hershey's Kisses which she picked-out).

It's KINDA FUN  to be at a stage where every iota of the specifics just DEFINE her...    (and that it all happens at once...    instead of handing her a bunch of dumb things at X-months old, and trying to GUESS whether she's left handed or right handed, based on which hand reaches for them.   THE ANSWERS are by now ALL quite clear...   YOU just get to know them all at once, which is so rare)

Yeah, you know I had to think about that for a while but you’re SO right! When you think of it like that it’s really bizarre! She is already exactly who she is and it’s a case of me getting to know her rather than watching her develop over however many years

 

 What an obvious blessing...  and considerably unique for her, too... to now know that 

her bio father is still there for much of the rest of her life...

yeah I mean I kept everything quite light Tuesday so I might try to proper reassure her of that next time!

 

It is

SO ODD to be in a scenario where somebody   "AUTOMATICALLY means SOMEthing to you".

literally!! Like it’s mad but because I thought its way too late for any paternal instinct like you’d have with a newborn, and yet, I instantly felt something for her, like I instantly started to care about her! I guess it’s just the weirdest situation - we both know we’re basically strangers but we also both know that we have this ‘bond’, I guess. She’s my kid you know!

(and as for the ex...   There aren't too many things higher on the LIST of what could be SOOOOOOOOO GRAND in the ex's life, during the near future, than to know that you and your shared daughter hit-it-off on many levels)

True true, I guess she wouldn’t have come and found me and gone through all this if she don’t want to make sure I’d be in dd’s life

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I just thought of a cute idea...

 

IN the way of catching up with some of what you missed  over the years.

 

When you see a pine cone ...    ask/tell her to pick it up and bring it to you.      (maybe you live on a tropical island where the only trees drop coconuts, and this ritual doesn't happen)

Then first make a BIG deal  of the present  she brought you...  and then (hurl it over your shoulder behind you  {as you might have 11 years ago} only now you let her know/see you hurled it over your shoulder).

Then keep repeating the entire exercise.

(deep down it is supposed to be flattering {suggesting that YOU CARE [especially about what you missed...] in thoughtful and unique ways}... 

OR she'll question your mind (as you in turn question mine) )

 

 

******************************************

 

OK, now,   (and this part has no humor attached to it) :

 

Consider this entire picture from HER perspective.  

Her memories of the man who raised her as long as any man was in her picture... aren't strongly embedded... and he was suddenly yanked by fate out of her life...    SO she really lacks for all of the things which a solid male role model tend to offer.

 

It was "unfair" that this male role model was yanked away from her.

It is equally/majorly "unfair" that her MOM may be yanked away from her by fate.

But NOW you are of the "automatically important"  variety who miraculously lands in her life when things are SO dire  (in the way of possibly losing her mother AND (otherwise seeeeeeeming to lose) so much of her apparent ***identity***  in the same process).

 

IF YOU can be the solid caretaker to come close to matching the role she needs now  (*** should be instinctive  and well within your potential, based on all you've already said here)... then you CAN evolve to be more *important* to her than you ever imagined being to anyone   -   and it will be rewarding  many times over.

 

(Because she will have an automatic yearning from within  to know and maintain some "identity"...  she already holds you in such high importance to where you don't have to be much more than {a steady and reliable human being}  to equate to all she needs (beyond a roof over her head, and the means to be like all of the other kids, etc.) )

Your priorities, having been honed by your own experiences, already fit so well as incentive  for you to  merely stay the course and **win** this challenge.

 

It seems that it is all there for you ...  and the personal rewards will be huge...    and you don't even need to be much different/more-than you already ARE as a person.

 

PS  -   I DO wholly endorse the part about the pine cones

[Fletch Lives]

You found out that you have a child, that's wonderful!

[Ollie180]

5 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I just thought of a cute idea...

IN the way of catching up with some of what you missed  over the years.

I get you... it’s those silly childhood memories that you don’t get back right!

Best foster home I stayed in was when I was 17. The lady had a bio daughter (16) and two foster kids (5 & 8). One rainy day bio daughter decided to build ‘The worlds biggest pillow fort’ with them. She forced grumpy ol’ 17 year old Ollie to help......and literally made such a happy little memory for me that it’s stayed with me my whole life......I used to think like, that’s what I’ll do with my kids, have a lazy Sunday and build forts and watch movies... but the time when kids are the age to appreciate silly little things like that is so short! 

Her memories of the man who raised her as long as any man was in her picture... aren't strongly embedded... and he was suddenly yanked by fate out of her life...   

SO she really lacks for all of the things which a solid male role model tend to offer.

she remembers him ‘perfect’. But perfect isn’t always so relatable!

 

But NOW you are 

of the "automatically important"  variety who miraculously lands in her life when things are SO dire  (in the way of possibly losing her mother AND (otherwise seeeeeeeming to lose) so much of her apparent ***identity***  in the same process). IF YOU can be the solid caretaker to come close to matching the role she needs now  (*** should be instinctive  and well within your potential, based on all you've already said here)... then you CAN evolve to be more *important* to her than you ever imagined being to anyone   -   and it will be rewarding  many times over.(Because she will have an automatic yearning from within  to know and maintain some "identity"...  she already holds you in such high importance to where you don't have to be much more than {a steady and reliable human being}  to equate to all she needs (beyond a roof over her head, and the means to be like all of the other kids, etc.) )Your priorities, having been honed by your own experiences, already fit so well as incentive  for you to  merely stay the course and **win** this challenge.

Thanks so much mate! ...It is hard not to be knocked at all by the fact that my ex didn’t want me in dd’s life (till now).. I still don’t understand her reasoning. But maybe I do get my chance now, and I do believe that I can be a good ‘dad’, will be a good ‘dad’!

[Ollie180]

Thursday was pretty full on.. I drove them to the hospital as she asked.. I think it's maybe the first time it really hit me how ill my ex is, and it's hard for me to see her like that because in my mind she's still that 19 year old girl I knew.
It's also hard to watch to see dd go through that - because I've been there. I always gloss over really because it's not something that's easy for other people to listen too, but I do know first hard how difficult it is to endure!

I took them though and then I just waited around, dd was with her mum for about a hour and then she came out, (apparently it normally makes her mum sleep), and we sat in the hospital cafe for a couple of hours... totally different vibe to the other day, we just talked more seriously, she talked about being worried about her mum, she talked about even more worried now with coronavirus, I told her that I'm super serious about being someone that she can count on.
(Considering shes still a teen, shes a very warm character, easy to talk to, puts you at ease, that type. However, even when she's being really serious she still is very emotionally contained, she can talk about difficult things while staying very composed.......I see a ton of myself in that. Damn, the amount of social workers I sat in front of as a kid and told "I'm fine".)

Obviously her mums high risk if she was to contract C-19. But she has to go to the hospital for treatment. Plus if everyone starts locking down, it puts dd in a difficult position considering how much she stays at BFF's house. Her school shut it's doors today as well, which I guess even though she didn't enjoy it, was still an escape from everything else.

I'm a bit concerned as well now, about the potential I could get locked down miles away!
It's just, I can't catch my breath at the moment.. this whole world of information hit me lightning quick, and I've barely had time to process and now I feel like this coronavirus is moving so quick that it's throwing a whole new range of questions and scenarios at me!

[Ellener]

On 3/20/2020 at 6:30 PM, Ollie180 said:

I'm a bit concerned as well now, about the potential I could get locked down miles away!
I

From what I've read in the orders issued so far in the US people are allowed on essential journeys etc. Make a contingency plan how you'll keep in touch at least.

Yes, the pandemic has made complicated super-complicated, thinking of you. 

[Ollie180]

 

On 3/23/2020 at 4:07 AM, Ellener said:

Yes, the pandemic has made complicated super-complicated, thinking of you. 

Hasn't it just! It's definitely put into perspective anything that anyone thought was complicated before!

[Ollie180]

DD was stressing a bit when I spoke to her the other day. Her mums super high risk, but can't fully lockdown because she'll have to go to hospital for treatment as shes half way through chemo at the moment. Plus she obviously isn't getting as much timeout (and support) as she would normally because she can't go to BFF's house.

I got them what she was saying she couldn't get from the chemist, and took it over and my ex had a bit of a pop at me..... ....I know that she's just stressed, and scared about the whole thing, and was probably just taking it out on me - but still, literally I don't feel like any of this situation is my fault!

She was mad because I went into the kitchen with DD rather than pass her the bag on the drive (This was Pre lockdown though, so I just didn't fully get then that that was not okay). She said I don't commit to things (but she was the one that left me when we dated... and I never had the chance to commit to DD because I didn't know about her, so wtf).

Basically she want's me to be in or out, as in, I can't see them/drop stuff off and also be living in a house share (boat share really, because I rent a house boat)... which is fair play, I get that! I said to her (pre lockdown) if i have to lock down and not see anyone else, then that's what I'll do! (As it happens the girl I rent with has gone home to her parents for the lock down, so it is easier to do now).

The only thing that bugs me is that she always throws this I-need-to-actually-grow-up/peter-pan thing at me, and I think that's really unfounded! I am who I am, and that's not going to change - but she never gave me a chance to prove the kind of dad I could be 15 years ago, or what kind husband I could of been! She had her reasons, and clearly I wasn't the right man for her, but I didn't do anything wrong - didn't cheat, didn't lie, didn't treat her badly. At the end of the day, we're both in this moment right now, all these years later, because she chose to date me! I said that to her and she was like: 'because you're witty, fun, that smile, and you're so charming. Whenever you talk to someone, you make them feel special, and that makes you so easy to fall in love with. And I see her [meaning DD] getting swept up in all those things, but she needs you to be so much more than those things Ollie!' and then she carried on about her nor being there and DD needing reliability and stability.

I'm not here to say I have it even remotely figured out, or that Im going to be the worlds best dad. But shes mad if she thinks that this is all just fun to me. It's like she forgets that, I've been where DD is, I watched my own mum deteriorate the same way.....it's my worst nightmare to watch from the sidelines the same thing happen again, happen to another kid, happen to someone I shared so much history with. But I wouldn't dream of stepping back, because the difference is, I did it all by myself, I was 13 and by myself... and so even if its hard, which I know (better than anyone) it will be, there's no way I'd let DD be on her own through it, no way!! So.... I don't think she even thinks about who she's talking to when she paints me as a good time charlie!!

 

Anyway, that was a rant, I actually had a nice skype chat with DD AND my ex today! I think maybe she actually felt bad, because she'd dug out our super old prom photos to show DD what we looked like back then! Which was mad actually! I wore this dark orange Hawaiian shirt under my suit jacket (because I was that cool😜 ) and I still have it... DD didn't believe me so I had to go dig it out the back of my cupboard to show them! ...Actually fits me better now.. I borrowed it off some lad at the time, to match her mums dress, and it was way too big for me (even in the early 2000's) 🤣

I'm going to self isolate for a while longer, and then it should be okay for me to be in contact with them. Plus see DD. Plus I'll keep doing her mums hospital runs with her now.. no reason taking a risk with a random driver they don't even know. If seeing them, means I can't see anyone else at all In order to keep them safe then thats what I'll do! And I'm just trying to stay as remotely available as i can without, being too much! it's just such a weird time!

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

she never gave me a chance to prove the kind of dad I could be 15 years ago, or what kind husband I could of been!

Well, you're getting a chance now that's for sure! You are doing great! Of course they are on edge and angry etc all that's going on, you'll just have to prove yourself by being calm and supportive...and rant a bit away from them if you need to!

 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I am not inclined to blame the mom too much, because I have no idea what it is like to contemplate my own mortality, let alone my own mortality as it pertains to a person I brought into this world.

At some point though, the only way that woman finds peace and acceptance is to make those with herself.

If it were merely logic...   I suspect she would most likely prefer her final memories/understandings to be: 

 

"at least I know  that DD is going to be OK...  and surprisingly WITH  a person who is her blood and family".

 

Maybe the trouble is there is too much empty time in the day to be content to begin at that point and work her way back  toward the present.

 

She has far more to worry about than relatively insignificant banter on an internet message board.