UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ollie180]

29 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

translation:  the part in a teen's life where they GROW APART from parents...  MIGHT simply NEVER be there, because of this unique avenue toward knowing her.

(it's like with online life/friendship/romance...  our minds paint perfection  onto that other person FIRST...  and then only bother to chisel-away that perception with time)

So you got to her being fifteen, while still maintaining your shell of perceived perfection.  (it isn't a reason to become shellf conscious, because it's natural, and you need not worry over maintaining the ruse)

Yeah, I totally hear what you’re saying!! I meet her as who she is right now today, I don’t have the preconceptions that maybe you have when you watch your kid grow up.
And I guess maybe the reverse of that is she sees me as ‘A bloke’, because I do think sometimes as a kid you forget to see your parent as a person and not just a parent.

 

I have noticed, interestingly, the way she talks with me vs with me in front of her mum are a bit different! Even little stuff like.. she can have a bit of a ‘potty mouth’, she’ll swear casually in chat, or over text, but I’ve never heard her swear in front of her mum! She’ll banter with me as well, in a way that I haven’t heard her do with my ex.

i guess that is because it’s a different relationship, and she respects her mum enough to maintain her rules and their dynamic which is great. But, I think that it’s nice in a way that I get to see her as....the way she projects herself right now....... obviously I’m no where in the same ball park as having the kind of parental relationship built over years of childhood, this is different, but I do get to basically meet her for who she is when she isn’t confirming to any expectation!

18 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

THANK GOD that most of the ideal effect will be the result of just TALKING... and BEING who you each ALREADY ARE.

I don't think she was envisioning going back to (online/internet school) and teaching everyone there the nuances of  Pinochle or something.

Hahaha no I know, I know!  
I actually count myself very lucky that talking to her has been as easy as it has.....I could definitely be getting a LOT less back from a teenager! Inspire of the fact that I worry that I might not know what to say.. actually talking to her has always come very easily! (I guess that’s something maybe she inherits from me - she’ll answer every question with about 3 side stories 😂 ..so you really Don’t have to say much to get her chatting)

I think that I probably spend 85% of the time we talk talking about...nothing important! ...I think we’re both pretty good at just, chatting s*** basically, so it flows so easily... but I don’t always know if I should try and spend more time trying to talk about some of the important stuff, my thoughts on it, her thoughts on it. I don’t know whether to steer the conversation there more....or just leave it be because she knows where I am, if she wanted to talk about that she could 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

[Marc878]

Give the dog a bath

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

I don’t know whether to be like “what do you want to do kid” or be like “I thought we could do xyz” ....stuck between trying too hard, or not trying enough...

Understandable :).  This means your expectations are 100% on track with where they should be.  Let her lead....she's old enough.

[Ollie180]

8 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Give the dog a bath

What a shout!! Might do that!! 👍🏼
 

8 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Understandable :).  This means your expectations are 100% on track with where they should be.  Let her lead....she's old enough.

Yeah true! ...and I guess you only stress about something when you care about it, right, so I guess it’s to be expected!

Anyway, shes keen to come, so I take that as a good thing!!

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

as a kid you forget to see your parent as a person and not just a parent.

and you are her parent, maybe one day her only parent, so it's a fine line 🧐🥳

As a teen I found two things my son loved, putting on his music in the car and we'd drive ( first it was me then I taught him ) plus tv shows, usually comedy. That continued until he was an adult, the last one we watched together was called AP Bio which I found hilarious too. And that's where a lot of the talking came in, low pressure chatting in the car or watching tv. I was a single parent for the last few years of his growing up and it was difficult then, but those were our moments together which kept us close.

Microwave popcorn and a movie? Scrabble or Monopoly or Chess. Quizzes. We did those too to a much lesser extent.

[Marc878]

It would be a nice gesture to pick her up a little meaningful gift of some sort. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Put some thought into it.

[UpInLights]

On 4/10/2020 at 6:37 PM, Ollie180 said:

it definitely changed me, I was very easy going before, and then I became..not so.. if someone pushed me a little bit, I wanted to push back! That faded in the end though, I think I’m a pretty easy going bloke now!

It’s actually nice in a way that you have this experience because losing her mum is going to hit your daughter one way or another, and that’s something she probably won’t comprehend herself right now. Nice that when she does have to figure that out she’ll still have a parent in her life, and a parent that ‘gets it’!

 

They tried to make me see a school counsellor once as a kid. To show they were “supporting me” to be honest. I just sat there like I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I wasn’t! I just didn’t want to pour my broken heart out to someone I felt like wouldn’t ‘get it’ and would just sit there and pity me! Your daughter doesn’t have this with you, you get it, you’ve felt it, lived it! I feel like that’s going to be so important for you guys!

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, Marc878 said:

It would be a nice gesture to pick her up a little meaningful gift of some sort. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Put some thought into it.

or something you already have if you can't get out. Chocolate if you can maybe.

Old photos at some point, maybe not yet unless she asks. My son uploaded all mine when he was about 18 which surprised me at the time!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

There's NO WAY to fully represent the awe I felt immediately upon the idea of giving the dog a bath

(cuz it was somebody else's idea) 

(but it's really a good one!)

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 4/10/2020 at 3:20 PM, Ollie180 said:

 

I have noticed, interestingly, the way she talks with me vs with me in front of her mum are a bit different! Even little stuff like.. she can have a bit of a ‘potty mouth’, she’ll swear casually in chat, or over text, but I’ve never heard her swear in front of her mum! She’ll banter with me as well, in a way that I haven’t heard her do with my ex.

i guess that is because it’s a different relationship, and she respects her mum enough to maintain her rules and their dynamic which is great. But, I think that it’s nice in a way that I get to see her as....the way she projects herself right now....... obviously I’m no where in the same ball park as having the kind of parental relationship built over years of childhood, this is different, but I do get to basically meet her for who she is when she isn’t confirming to any expectation!

 

I think that I probably spend 85% of the time we talk talking about...nothing important! .. 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

 

The first part... is somehow tangent to the way a cat swats a small puppy in the nose soon after the puppy arrives... and the puppy continues to 'respect' the cat from that origin. 

(NOT that her being/feeling comfortable with you at this point represented any lack of respect...   but her refrain in front of her mom is stuff rooted in the long-ago)

 

... and about the last part...   the important stuff  will arrive in due time... and it doesn't need a schedule (you know this, I realize)

 

Perhaps just creating and maintaining comfort  for the strong probability that important stuff  will be mandated by fate, is the best near-term plan...  IF a 'plan' is needed.

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

There's NO WAY to fully represent the awe I felt immediately upon the idea of giving the dog a bath

(cuz it was somebody else's idea) 

(but it's really a good one!)

 

 

I had the exact opposite reaction.  I have two long haired dogs so I try my hardest not to bathe them in my house/using my plumbing!

[Ollie180]

On 4/11/2020 at 3:22 PM, Ellener said:

and you are her parent, maybe one day her only parent, so it's a fine line 🧐🥳

Which is definitely a whole world I’m going to have to start to figure out! There’s gotta be a difference between hanging out with a kid and ‘parenting’ a kid, which I guess I’m going to have to find my place in!

21 hours ago, UpInLights said:

They tried to make me see a school counsellor once as a kid. To show they were “supporting me” to be honest. I just sat there like I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I wasn’t! I just didn’t want to pour my broken heart out to someone I felt like wouldn’t ‘get it’ and would just sit there and pity me! Your daughter doesn’t have this with you, you get it, you’ve felt it, lived it! I feel like that’s going to be so important for you guys!

Wow!! Honestly I don’t know what to say to you because, like I could have written that!! I was sure that my situation was what it was and however well intentioned, these people couldn’t help!

15 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The first part... is somehow tangent to the way a cat swats a small puppy in the nose soon after the puppy arrives... and the puppy continues to 'respect' the cat from that origin. 

(NOT that her being/feeling comfortable with you at this point represented any lack of respect...   but her refrain in front of her mom is stuff rooted in the long-ago)

Yeah! That’s a great analogy! Mums always boss right!

I know she isn’t disrespectful, she doesn’t strike me as a disrespectful kid anyway! It’s just different I guess!

15 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I had the exact opposite reaction.  I have two long haired dogs so I try my hardest not to bathe them in my house/using my plumbing!

hahaha!! My boys short coated thank god
 

 

[Ollie180]

Thanks, as always, you guys are wicked!

 

I think it went well! I think for the foreseeable lockdown future, we’re going to make it a weekly thing! She seemed super relaxed - actually maybe more relaxed than in recent times (I guess the hospital is a more stressful situation for her, understandably!)

 

We just chilled really - she liked looking round where I live. She really liked my dog, chucked the ball in the river for him for a while and then we bathed him off (credit for that cracking idea Marc) ...I flicked her with the hose for jokes (to see how she can deal with the fact that I’m an annoying tw*t 😂) and she picked the whole bucket and chucked it at me... which made the dog get over excited and start humping me 🤦🏼‍♂️🤣 she was pretty happy with herself, told me that’s what I get!  I feel like that actually made me proper relaxed!

 

We played ping pong, I made nachos & enchiladas while chilled in the sun, we watched tiger king (which I hadn’t seen but she thought I’d find super interesting)! ...I just enjoyed having her company really! I told her that if it’s sunny next Saturday, I’d take her out on the river 🏄🏼‍♂️

 

This time more than any other she asked me A LOT of questions about my life! Childhood, travel, work, relationships. She was pretty heavy hitting, but I’m basically an open book with stuff like that, I don’t have a problem answering peoples questions.

I don’t have many pictures pre digital camera (I’ve got one little album of my whole life up till about 23) but I showed her some pictures of my mum, me as a kid, me and her mum, some of the places I travelled & lived.

 

The only thing she said to me of major gravity was when we were watching tele. She just went out of nowhere “I don’t want to live at the house if, when, mum dies”

I was off guard because it wasn’t relative to anything at that moment, so I looked over at her and I realised that she was proper looking at me for some sort of reassurance - as horrible as a topic as that is, that’s the first time that I think I ever actually felt like ‘someone’s dad’.

I said “have you told your mum that?”

And she said “I’ve tried. She doesn’t get it. I don’t care about property value, or inheritance or s***, like I get it, but I just - can’t. I know she wants to do what’s better for me but I just don’t think I can be there”

I didn’t have an answer to give her so I just told her like “okay! Well don’t worry kid, we’ll figure that out”. She seemed pretty satisfied with that and went back to watching the show.

 

Funny though isn’t it, I totally hear what she’s saying, but when I was in her position I HATED the fact the state took me out my home, I felt like I lost everything! I’d of kept living there by myself given the choice! I think it just really shows that people cope with things differently!  Also means that I think I’ll try and mention that to me ex on DD’s behalf at some point! ...I don’t want her to think I’m interfering too much but at the same tone, DD was basically asking me to!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

Which is definitely a whole world I’m going to have to start to figure out! There’s gotta be a difference between hanging out with a kid and ‘parenting’ a kid, which I guess I’m going to have to find my place in!

 

Well, hopefully she's an easy kid so you won't have to do much discpline-type parenting!  I have two teenagers (17 and 19) and I've had to do very little "parenting" in terms of being the "heavy."  Recently my daughter didn't speak to me for two days because I kept letting the cats outside, but that's about as contentious as things get around here lol.  (I told her if she starts scooping the litter the first, or even second, time I ask her to I will stop letting them out!).  

 

6 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

The only thing she said to me of major gravity was when we were watching tele. She just went out of nowhere “I don’t want to live at the house if, when, mum dies”

I was off guard because it wasn’t relative to anything at that moment, so I looked over at her and I realised that she was proper looking at me for some sort of reassurance - as horrible as a topic as that is, that’s the first time that I think I ever actually felt like ‘someone’s dad’.

I said “have you told your mum that?”

And she said “I’ve tried. She doesn’t get it. I don’t care about property value, or inheritance or s***, like I get it, but I just - can’t. I know she wants to do what’s better for me but I just don’t think I can be there”

I didn’t have an answer to give her so I just told her like “okay! Well don’t worry kid, we’ll figure that out”. She seemed pretty satisfied with that and went back to watching the show.

This is not dissimilar to how kids feel when their parents are divorcing.  Kids can be self-centered and during divorce their main concern is usually, "how is MY life going to change?  How is MY schedule/living arrangement going to be disrupted?"  She was looking for reassurance from you that you have her back, and you gave it.  Good job, Dad. 

[preraph]

Sounds like you had a lot of fun with the dog and daughter on the houseboat.  

If she inherits the house and it's paid for (not sure how that works), she can always sell it and find another place.  If it's got low payments, I'm sure that's what her mom is thinking about.  No new purchase would be as affordable.  You'll work it out, though.  

 

She likes you and asks for advice from you, and that's perfect.  Just don't let her push the boundaries and only regard you as a friend.  She needs and will need most a parent going forward.  You said she's potty mouthing.  Just don't let her start thinking she can smoke or drink because you're "cool" or any of that.  Keep the parental boundary because in the end, she can get friends.  She needs a parent.  

[nospam99]

Ollie, I won't speculate on how long your ex will 'last' or even if there might be a 'miracle' cure/remission. But things to think about...

Would you want DD to live with you? Would she want to? If so, on the boat? How would that impact her schooling? Her relationship with her BFF? With her other friends?

If the way to go turns out to be selling the current house and buying another, are those transactions you feel comfortable handling? If not, discuss with your ex and see if she can recommend a trusted friend to help work through those kinds of gritty business/legal processes.

Going deeper (and darker, sorry), has your ex talked to you about whether she has a will and what's in it? Whether you are designated as DD's custodial parent? Guardian? Something else? Who gets the assets of the estate (I'd assume DD)? Are the assets put in trust? If so, who is the trustee? What are the conditions of the trust? Who is the executor? All these are US legal considerations. UK may be different. You may want to think about the 'age of emancipation'. In the US, parents can absolve themselves of legal and financial responsibility when the children turn 18 in most cases. But in some jurisdictions, it's 21. And the child can declare themselves to be emancipated.

[Ollie180]

2 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Well, hopefully she's an easy kid so you won't have to do much discpline-type parenting!  I have two teenagers (17 and 19) and I've had to do very little "parenting" in terms of being the "heavy."  Recently my daughter didn't speak to me for two days because I kept letting the cats outside, but that's about as contentious as things get around here lol.  (I told her if she starts scooping the litter the first, or even second, time I ask her to I will stop letting them out!).  

I get the impression that she always been a pretty easy kid, maybe a bit too chatty in school & a little bit ‘foolhardy’ as her mum would call it, but a pretty easy kid! ...That said, I fully have my eyes open that she’s about to go through something that’s going to shake her!

Haha the cat thing made me chuckle! 🙈

She was looking for reassurance from you that you have her back, and you gave it.  Good job, Dad.  

Thank you 😊 

2 hours ago, preraph said:

She likes you and asks for advice from you, and that's perfect.  Just don't let her push the boundaries and only regard you as a friend.  She needs and will need most a parent going forward.  You said she's potty mouthing.  Just don't let her start thinking she can smoke or drink because you're "cool" or any of that.  Keep the parental boundary because in the end, she can get friends.  She needs a parent.  

Yeah, I get that.. like I know as a bloke I’m a bit “devil may care”, I know that’s certainly what her mum would say because I’m super laid back.. but I do maybe come at stuff like that from a different angle because I’ve seen the dark side of drink/drugs, I’ve seen it hurt people! We was talking about ‘party’ drugs yesterday actually, (because of what we were watching on tele), I was telling her I knew a lad that took mdma one time - and ruined his whole life! He was not a bad lad either, he was stupid one time you know? It was just a sad thing! ..I actually think it’s important to be straight up with young people on topics like that! 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

I actually think it’s important to be straight up with young people on topics like that! 

Absolutely.  I've frequently said the reason I never smoked a cigarette in my life is because my dad drilled it into us every.single.day to never do it.  That, and food fights (??) and making fun of people for how they look, especially if they have acne.  He had very specific hot buttons lol.  But the point is, he talked about it a LOT.

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

 

Yeah, I get that.. like I know as a bloke I’m a bit “devil may care”, I know that’s certainly what her mum would say because I’m super laid back.. but I do maybe come at stuff like that from a different angle because I’ve seen the dark side of drink/drugs, I’ve seen it hurt people! We was talking about ‘party’ drugs yesterday actually, (because of what we were watching on tele), I was telling her I knew a lad that took mdma one time - and ruined his whole life! He was not a bad lad either, he was stupid one time you know? It was just a sad thing! ..I actually think it’s important to be straight up with young people on topics like that! 

I agree with you.  Teens will take advantage of you "being cool."  That's all I'm saying.  They will test it.  They will call you a hypocrite or whatever.  At the same time, they will respect your opinion more if it's an educated one and they realize you have had some experiences and weren't Mr. Dull Boy.  But it's a double-edged sword because then they expect you to be "cool" about it.   I started smoking pot for the first time in 1968 in a very conservative town.  It was a time when generations were very divided and just warring with each other.  So I was still a teen and living at home and I had to listen to so much uneducated crap from my parents that they read in Reader's Digest or heard Anita Bryant talking about that was just straight up nonsense.  I had no respect for that.  So not getting along well with them at all and really just wanted out.  But then one day my dad's working under a car and chuckling says, "I smoked pot once in the 1940s at a jazz club," and I just blew a gasket because of the rash of s**t I'd been having to live with from him and my mom and told him, 'Don't EVER tell me what to do again!"  And I meant it.  

 

So I realize not everyone is as lippy as I was, but just saying I have in the past worked with a few troubled teens.  Tread carefully.  It can backfire.  It's like being the boss of an office.  There are some boundaries you have to maintain so they will keep being respectful to you.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

5 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

She just went out of nowhere “I don’t want to live at the house if, when, mum dies”

I was off guard because it wasn’t relative to anything at that moment, so I looked over at her and I realised that she was proper looking at me for some sort of reassurance - as horrible as a topic as that is, that’s the first time that I think I ever actually felt like ‘someone’s dad’.

I said “have you told your mum that?”

And she said “I’ve tried. She doesn’t get it. I don’t care about property value, or inheritance or s***, like I get it, but I just - can’t. I know she wants to do what’s better for me but I just don’t think I can be there”

I didn’t have an answer to give her so I just told her like “okay! Well don’t worry kid, we’ll figure that out”. She seemed pretty satisfied with that and went back to watching the show.

 

Funny though isn’t it, I totally hear what she’s saying, but when I was in her position I HATED the fact the state took me out my home, I felt like I lost everything! I’d of kept living there by myself given the choice! I think it just really shows that people cope with things differently!  Also means that I think I’ll try and mention that to me ex on DD’s behalf at some point! ...I don’t want her to think I’m interfering too much but at the same tone, DD was basically asking me to!

It would be grand if you had the means (both financial and convenience-wise) to let her have a "choice"...   just to make randomly  if it comes to that decision.

 

The ANSWER doesn't matter too much...   but may eventually connect to schools/work convenience.

 

In your unique scenario...   she's... acquiring something NEW  (which may in ways really feel like a blessing from the beyond) ...    and there IS the chance that a very authentic coping mechanism  might be  at that point to  (not remind yourself as much of the past  in order to keep envisioning a bright future).

(now in this day and age as much of the past  as possible can be saved on film and all...  but I'm not thrown by the (personal) choice to not be reminded of it  by every doorway in the shared home)

 

But how many in her shoes HAVE the amazing opportunity which you represent to her???

 

and you ALREADY  ***belong***  (by blood) ...  furthermore, your not being around to this point is in no way blame-able ON you.

 

So it is a win-win-win situation...   except for the part about her mother's health.

 

IN such an equation as that...  you should surely focus on the one vulnerability, and do whatever you can to assuage that, when it matters... and then it might just be wonderful, to the extent which either of you can control in the distance.

 

 

[Ollie180]

3 hours ago, nospam99 said:

Ollie, I won't speculate on how long your ex will 'last' or even if there might be a 'miracle' cure/remission. But things to think about...

Would you want DD to live with you? Would she want to? If so, on the boat? How would that impact her schooling? Her relationship with her BFF? With her other friends?

If the way to go turns out to be selling the current house and buying another, are those transactions you feel comfortable handling? If not, discuss with your ex and see if she can recommend a trusted friend to help work through those kinds of gritty business/legal processes.

Going deeper (and darker, sorry), has your ex talked to you about whether she has a will and what's in it? Whether you are designated as DD's custodial parent? Guardian? Something else? Who gets the assets of the estate (I'd assume DD)? Are the assets put in trust? If so, who is the trustee? What are the conditions of the trust? Who is the executor? All these are US legal considerations. UK may be different. You may want to think about the 'age of emancipation'. In the US, parents can absolve themselves of legal and financial responsibility when the children turn 18 in most cases. But in some jurisdictions, it's 21. And the child can declare themselves to be emancipated.

Would I want her to move in? 100%! She’s my kid right, to be a proper dad I’d want that 100%
would she want to? ...I think so! I’ve tried not to push her too hard on that, because I was still a virtual stranger to her but obviously the difficulty of this situation is that unfortunately there is time pressure on it. That said her only other family are in Oz and she’s been super clear that she doesn’t want to move there, leave her friends etc. She was staying with bff a lot, but I don’t think moving in full time is a real option. So I think she knows her best option is probably with me.

 

As for where... pfftt I don’t know!

Basically, me and the ex had very different lives after we spilt.. where as I travelled loads, moved loads, worked non-profit. She studied law, built a career in real estate, and invested in properties. So like money isn’t an issue for her (and DD will inherit substantially), whereas monetary wise I bring no value whatsoever... so I think because of that my ex’s stance is very like - don’t worry about the money I’ll sort it for DD. I think she wants to Give her money from the estate, put the house in trust for dd, and let her keep living there.

However obviously that’s not what DD wants!

I’m not bothered about what ex wants to do with her money though, I’d find a way to look after me & DD, by myself anyway! As to where though, I’m not to bothered! Like I’d move if she wanted me too! If she wanted to live on the boat with me that’d be cool (probs about 40/50 mins from where she lives now... which prob leaves her 30mins from bbf where as now she lives 15, so bit further but not insanely further from her friends and that), but if she wanted to stay in the area, I’d move, it is what it is! 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

Ex does want us to go see a lawyer about custody though, which got screwed by lockdown, so I think we’ll have to get a phone appointment now. She’s very on board with us getting that sorted properly because she wants it to be as stable as possible for DD. 

[preraph]

She's right about that.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

31 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

Would I want her to move in? 100%! She’s my kid right, to be a proper dad I’d want that 100%
would she want to? ...I think so! I’ve tried not to push her too hard on that, because I was still a virtual stranger to her but obviously the difficulty of this situation is that unfortunately there is time pressure on it. That said her only other family are in Oz and she’s been super clear that she doesn’t want to move there, leave her friends etc. She was staying with bff a lot, but I don’t think moving in full time is a real option. So I think she knows her best option is probably with me.

 

As for where... pfftt I don’t know!

Basically, me and the ex had very different lives after we spilt.. where as I travelled loads, moved loads, worked non-profit. She studied law, built a career in real estate, and invested in properties. So like money isn’t an issue for her (and DD will inherit substantially), whereas monetary wise I bring no value whatsoever... so I think because of that my ex’s stance is very like - don’t worry about the money I’ll sort it for DD. I think she wants to Give her money from the estate, put the house in trust for dd, and let her keep living there.

However obviously that’s not what DD wants!

I’m not bothered about what ex wants to do with her money though, I’d find a way to look after me & DD, by myself anyway! As to where though, I’m not to bothered! Like I’d move if she wanted me too! If she wanted to live on the boat with me that’d be cool (probs about 40/50 mins from where she lives now... which prob leaves her 30mins from bbf where as now she lives 15, so bit further but not insanely further from her friends and that), but if she wanted to stay in the area, I’d move, it is what it is! 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

Ex does want us to go see a lawyer about custody though, which got screwed by lockdown, so I think we’ll have to get a phone appointment now. She’s very on board with us getting that sorted properly because she wants it to be as stable as possible for DD. 

 

This is good, added, and useful information.

 

I think you should *connect*  with your ex...  and bring up the obvious and very-fair concerns...  and ultimately come to ANY  'agreement' with your ex...  relating to the immediate-thereafter future of your shared daughter.

You want to be further inspired and motivated by the 'wishes' of your ex,  merely to have a plan (and eventually feel "right" following it).

 

I do NOT mean the plan has to be entirely the ex's plan...    BY all means, voice firmly the wishes of the daughter...  and make allowances for what is realistic and agreeable to you...

but let the ex be very much a part of a ***plan*** which the three of you envision and create for the future of the daughter.

 

(***  in no small part JUST because it's easier to HAVE a plan/idea in place, rather than have to think-up one on the fly, particularly when it isn't a happy time in life)

Both you and the daughter seeing (mom's) wishes  in so many of the steps you take when mom isn't around...  will be comforting both now and in the future.

 

That does NOT mean anybody has to give-in and stay in the house  if it isn't agreeable to all parties.

 

 

[Ollie180]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

So I realize not everyone is as lippy as I was, but just saying I have in the past worked with a few troubled teens.  Tread carefully.  It can backfire.  It's like being the boss of an office.  There are some boundaries you have to maintain so they will keep being respectful to you.  

Yeah I hear you!! I think that’s good advice - and the kind of advice I need to be honest, because I think (if it doesn’t sound big headed) that I find it pretty easy to ‘get on’ with people and ‘make friends’, but actual like tough love is a whole new world for me!!

(Maybe like professionally I have managed really big projects.. so I’m not like totally useless 😂 )

 

[Ollie180]

1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

In your unique scenario...   she's... acquiring something NEW  (which may in ways really feel like a blessing from the beyond) ...    and there IS the chance that a very authentic coping mechanism  might be  at that point to  (not remind yourself as much of the past  in order to keep envisioning a bright future).

(now in this day and age as much of the past  as possible can be saved on film and all...  but I'm not thrown by the (personal) choice to not be reminded of it  by every doorway in the shared home)

Yeah, and I think... like, I’m a optimistic, I like to sell myself the positive in any situation - not because I’m a fantasist or because I don’t comprehend the negatives, but because choosing to look and the positive is my coping strategy! So I can definitely Understand  what she’s saying! And to my mind, she’s old enough to know her own mind with something like that! If staying in the house would feel too raw for her then, that fair enough I think!

34 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I think you should *connect*  with your ex...  and bring up the obvious and very-fair concerns...  and ultimately come to ANY  'agreement' with your ex...  relating to the immediate-thereafter future of your shared daughter.

You want to be further inspired and motivated by the 'wishes' of your ex,  merely to have a plan (and eventually feel "right" following it).

I do NOT mean the plan has to be entirely the ex's plan...    BY all means, voice firmly the wishes of the daughter...  and make allowances for what is realistic and agreeable to you...

but let the ex be very much a part of a ***plan*** which the three of you envision and create for the future of the daughter.

Yeah I totally agree!! ...I think I’ll call her in the week, because I feel more confident saying ‘let’s get this sorted’ now that I feel I know dd a little better AND that I actually think dd does seem to not be against the idea of living with me when the time comes.

(***  in no small part JUST because it's easier to HAVE a plan/idea in place, rather than have to think-up one on the fly, particularly when it isn't a happy time in life)

Both you and the daughter seeing (mom's) wishes  in so many of the steps you take when mom isn't around...  will be comforting both now and in the future.

yeah I think that’s a really good point! There’s got to be some comfort in knowing the life your living is one that your loved one helped to plan, even if they’re not about anymore!!