UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ollie180]

52 minutes ago, Ellener said:

thank you, I love reading this beautiful thread...

Do you watch Netflix? I used to watch so much comedy with my son as a teen. 

Yeah! DD has definitely improved my Netflix game haha - she forever texts me recommendations ‘Ollie you need to watch this’, ..but she won’t let me watch the finale of whatever it is until she’s here!
 

How old’s your lad?

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

Yeah! DD has definitely improved my Netflix game haha - she forever texts me recommendations ‘Ollie you need to watch this’, ..but she won’t let me watch the finale of whatever it is until she’s here!
 

How old’s your lad?

24

I'm just done with parenting 😀

So glad I never asked too many questions about his personal life now I begin to have one again: boundary firmly established 😅

[Noproblem]

I think as of now. You just need to be there for your kid.. You need to be the shoulder that she will cry on, provide her with the protection she needs, and if possible be her friends.  I am sorry about what happened to you.. I only read the first post though. 

Edited June 4, 2020 by Noproblem

[Ollie180]

On 6/3/2020 at 9:19 PM, Ellener said:

24

I'm just done with parenting 😀

So glad I never asked too many questions about his personal life now I begin to have one again: boundary firmly established 😅

Hahah I’m sure as a young man he’s thankful for his privacy too!!

DD is definitely a ‘sharer’ when it comes to most aspects of her life.. I feel like maybe that’s a Mars/Venus thing 😂

[Ollie180]

On 6/4/2020 at 7:18 AM, Noproblem said:

I think as of now. You just need to be there for your kid.. You need to be the shoulder that she will cry on, provide her with the protection she needs, and if possible be her friends.  I am sorry about what happened to you.. I only read the first post though. 

Thank you!

I think I’m off to a pretty good start with those things.. but I know it’s still early days so not to get complacent!

[Ollie180]

Bit of grey day here today, I took DD to some land owned by my mate and let her do some driving... and, nothing like having your life flash before your eyes to give you confidence (lol) so I had a chat with her about my ‘ex’..

 

She was quite happy to start with (she thought I was asking her for ‘girl advice’, and that o could pay her back with ‘boy advice’ when she finds herself in the situation - I said as long as she finds herself in the situation in when she’s 35 years old then maybe we’d have a deal 🙄😂).

 

I think when she actually understood what I was telling/asking her, she was mostly just a bit confused.. so maybe I didn’t need to be as concerned about it as I was!

.. I was confident she’d tell me she was cool with it, but I think that’s kind of her default response to pretty much everything, however she genuinely did seem cool with it.. (her actual advice was “if you’ve got a chance at a second shot Ollie then don’t F It up”).

She told me that she tried to set her mum up with internet dating a couple of years ago but she wasn’t interested.

 

I think I’ll arranged for them to meet just causally for a couple of hours next saturday and just see how that goes (though I don’t see why they wouldn’t get on) and after that I’ll start to think about the need to introduce gf to DD’s mum which I’m certain DD’s mum will want!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Next time,   don't begin your post (almost needlessly) with 

 

"Bit of a grey day here today..."

 

(that's the blurb we see on the loveshack list of new posts)...  so I was initially in fear that (it wasn't a weather report))

 

I think she's gonna be fine with   (Winnie Cooper) ...

 

A great thing about kids is that they spend 9 months a year just getting used to the routine of meeting new people  in crowded settings.

 

So they are perhaps conditioned  as much as anyone to meeting new people and thriving among the newness.

 

and yes,  don't let her date until she's 35...       (and maybe driving is best postponed until after that)

 

 

[Ollie180]

@SincereOnlineGuy my bad! Didn’t realise that’s how it appears 🙈

On 6/8/2020 at 2:06 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

A great thing about kids is that they spend 9 months a year just getting used to the routine of meeting new people  in crowded settings.

So they are perhaps conditioned  as much as anyone to meeting new people and thriving among the newness.

True! To be fair she dealt pretty well with ‘meeting’ me and she appears to be very.. socially well adjusted, so hopefully you’re right it’ll be fine!

Ive invited my ex over tomorrow afternoon so they can meet at a place where they’re both already pretty comfortable

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

@SincereOnlineGuy my bad! Didn’t realise that’s how it appears 🙈

True! To be fair she dealt pretty well with ‘meeting’ me and she appears to be very.. socially well adjusted, so hopefully you’re right it’ll be fine!

Ive invited my ex over tomorrow afternoon so they can meet at a place where they’re both already pretty comfortable

I hope it goes wonderfully !!!

 

 

[Ollie180]

Went well I think! Gf came over late afternoon and it was sunny so we just sort of chilled outside and ordered a chinese.

My gf is a huge ‘little gift’ giver, she’ll do it all the time, she’d got DD some nail varnishes and whatever which she liked.

 

Got to say as well, sometimes I just step back for a min and I think about like I am so so so lucky with DD! She’s my kid, and I was so excited to meet her and I would have loved her whoever she was, but my god shes such a little diamond!! I knew that gf would be nervous because I know that she’s shy and she doesn’t find it easy to relax straight away with new people, but DD’s so great y’know she’s so friendly she just makes stuff like that so easy!!

 

Gf’s feedback during and text after was mostly that she can’t get over how much DD reminds her of me (people telling me that is really becoming a theme! ..It’s crazy how I’d never even met DD at the start of the year and yet these days I’ve got so used to hearing that that I pretty much expect it! Life, huh!?).

 

DD told me as soon as gf left that she ‘could see that we’re good together’ ...and in the same breath that she though gf’s ‘eyebrows are absolutely on point’ ...because apparently those two things are of completely equal value to my 15 year old 🤷🏼‍♂️🤣

 

I feel like that was the hardest meet as well, because my gf is genuinely hilarious but she just takes a while to come out her shell, so I know she’ll find it easier the more time she spends with DD!

 

(That said I will have to arrange for her to meet DD’s mum soon, I won’t be able to stalk her for long and that will be like 20 questions ...but that’s just, her way of caring!)

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

(That said I will have to arrange for her to meet DD’s mum soon, I won’t be able to stalk her for long and that will be like 20 questions ...but that’s just, her way of caring!)

Freudian slip?! Women have taken over your life- you can handle it 🤣

[Ollie180]

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Freudian slip?! Women have taken over your life- you can handle it 🤣

Hahahah 6 pages in and I only just let my stalking habit out... not too bad right!? 🙈🤣

just to clarify......I meant stall 🙈

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

I just step back for a min and I think about like I am so so so lucky with DD! She’s my kid, and I was so excited to meet her

 

Yeah, and the bonus to this encounter was that...  your GF got to meet her long after she had (the same little baby nose that everyone else has)...  and (the same little baby fingers that everyone else has).

 

She's already turned into somebody who is both unique, and who resembles you, in various ways.

 

(missed the diapers, and the years of  (just staring, and wondering when she's gonna become a more complete individual... while charting whatever individuality reveals itself {cuz there isn't much else to do while you wait...} )

 

 

[Ollie180]

18 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

She's already turned into somebody who is both unique, and who resembles you, in various ways.

Yeah literally! ...I guess it’s just such a unique kind of situation!

I spoke to my gf today and she said some super nice thing about DD which always makes me feel so proud! Which is weird in itself, I’m not sure whether I really have the right to be “proud” given that I didn’t raise her.. but fact is I’m incredibly proud to say she’s me kid!

 

Shes also got one day a week back in school from next week so I said I’d pick her up and drive her (so she hasn’t got to get on buses and that with the COVID risk) ...but it’s basically going to be my first experience of the ‘school run’ ...that’s proper ‘dad’ territory, right!?

[Ellener]

8 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

I’m not sure whether I really have the right to be “proud” given that I didn’t raise her.. but fact is I’m incredibly proud to say she’s me kid!

 

Shes also got one day a week back in school from next week so I said I’d pick her up and drive her (so she hasn’t got to get on buses and that with the COVID risk) ...but it’s basically going to be my first experience of the ‘school run’ ...that’s proper ‘dad’ territory, right!?

By evolutionary standards them genes meant you were done...glad you got to evolve some more 🦎🤣

I loved the school run, went the long way round and listened to every genre of music he chose en route. If it wasn't good for him it was for me. I learned to discern shyte if he didn't.

What stage is her mum now? 

[Ollie180]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

By evolutionary standards them genes meant you were done...glad you got to evolve some more 🦎🤣

I loved the school run, went the long way round and listened to every genre of music he chose en route. If it wasn't good for him it was for me. I learned to discern shyte if he didn't.

What stage is her mum now? 

LOL thanks! 😂

Ah nice, that sounds good! I am quite looking forward to it to be fair, we’ve always had good chats in the car when I pick her up from her mums. Plus, like, I want to be the sort of dad that’s there for that kind of thing.. to pick you up, drop you off.. ‘reliable‘ I guess!

Shes pretty excited to go back to school (read into that, what she’s really excited for is to go see her friends). What she’s not happy about is her school counsellor will now go back to trying to catch up with her a couple of times on the days she’s now in school.. she’s moaned about this a fair bit, and I get it in a way because I felt very similarly at her age (I didn’t understand why I had to speak to the counsellor and I didn’t really want to - I used to bunk it 🙈) but I’m actually quite pleased that she’ll see this woman a couple of times because a) it keeps the school involved with her mums condition and also b) her mum isn’t getting any better, I think it’s important that she’ll have this counselling door open in case She needs it down the road.

 

Cancer stage? ..she’s stage 4, they know for a fact the cancer has spread so any treatment is to extend life expectancy basically. Unfortunately all her scans and appointments have been pushed back by COVID.. she’s got a scan coming up soon which is good because we’ve all been in the dark for a little bit now.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

22 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Yeah literally! ...I guess it’s just such a unique kind of situation!

I spoke to my gf today and she said some super nice thing about DD which always makes me feel so proud! Which is weird in itself, I’m not sure whether I really have the right to be “proud” given that I didn’t raise her.. but fact is I’m incredibly proud to say she’s me kid!

 

Shes also got one day a week back in school from next week so I said I’d pick her up and drive her (so she hasn’t got to get on buses and that with the COVID risk) ...but it’s basically going to be my first experience of the ‘school run’ ...that’s proper ‘dad’ territory, right!?

(stepping out on a limb and predicting your impulse)

Because society all around shuns parents who "were not around"  you may be inclined to deflect (the right to be proud) onto her mom.

BUT your case is unique and nobody sees your having had any chance to have known... and the daughter's mom has a story which is... understandable from her perspective (which further absolves you of typical societal shunning)

SO I grant you the 'right' to be fully proud  (you just need a few more months or years to learn the full breadth of that of which you should/can BE proud).

 

 

OK, now...   you need to prepare for this shuttling the kid to school and back.

Most ideally you could watch long-ago American television's    "ABC Afterschool Specials"   (or just about any teen movie where parents are visible may suffice)...

 

You have to do, say, or merely represent  SOMEthing  in the way of being SURE the audience is cringing in unison at the idea of having to be dropped at school by THAT dad.

 

(if one of your spark plugs dies out in the next few days... DON'T replace it until after the kid's day back to school  -   that would be the perfect image/impression your presence would cause her to make on others, as yours makes ON her)

 

If all else fails, watch  National Lampoon's Vacation  for inspiration.

 

 

[Ollie180]

On 6/16/2020 at 9:11 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

(stepping out on a limb and predicting your impulse)

Because society all around shuns parents who "were not around"  you may be inclined to deflect (the right to be proud) onto her mom.

BUT your case is unique and nobody sees your having had any chance to have known... and the daughter's mom has a story which is... understandable from her perspective (which further absolves you of typical societal shunning)

SO I grant you the 'right' to be fully proud  (you just need a few more months or years to learn the full breadth of that of which you should/can BE proud).

Thanks man!!
I think you’re completely right! I do feel like I’m incredibly proud to say she’s my daughter, but I’m very aware when I say that that her mum has done all the ‘raising’ thus far! And for sure she’s a credit to her mum!

On 6/16/2020 at 9:11 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

OK, now...   you need to prepare for this shuttling the kid to school and back.

Most ideally you could watch long-ago American television's    "ABC Afterschool Specials"   (or just about any teen movie where parents are visible may suffice)...

You have to do, say, or merely represent  SOMEthing  in the way of being SURE the audience is cringing in unison at the idea of having to be dropped at school by THAT dad.

LOOOOOL!! Oh yeah, gotta brush up my embarrassing dad skills! 😂 

To be fair though she’s ‘let’ me meet BFF twice now.. and more than that if you count FaceTime. It’s funny actually how if she does FaceTime friends from my house she won’t really take herself off to her room, she’ll happily chat to them sat in the kitchen while I’m in their cooking or whstever..... so I can’t be totally cramping her image 🙈🤣🤣

 

The one thing I always quite like about hearing her talk to her mates is that’s when she’ll casually drop ‘dad’ in the third person.. “..my dad..”, “..my dad’s...” ...when she’s talking to me she’ll always say ‘Ollie’ which is absolutely fine, no issue at all with that.. but there’s still sometime I like about hearing her say “my dad”

 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

 

The one thing I always quite like about hearing her talk to her mates is that’s when she’ll casually drop ‘dad’ in the third person.. “..my dad..”, “..my dad’s...” ...when she’s talking to me she’ll always say ‘Ollie’ which is absolutely fine, no issue at all with that.. but there’s still sometime I like about hearing her say “my dad”

I get  it  completely.

 

In part for her needing to make a quick reference to friends yet needing (what is literally "relative" ) clarity regarding just WHO she's talking about.

But of course she was introduced to you as "(Ollie)"... and just... stays with what is familiar (if not entirely familial ).

 

I expect that mere time will just have her so often referencing you AS her dad, that it will turn up at home on its own.

(maybe she'll walk in with a friend after school one day, after having all day mentioned plans she has with her dad... and it will just turn-up naturally out loud there at home)

[Ollie180]

On 6/18/2020 at 1:19 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

I get  it  completely.

In part for her needing to make a quick reference to friends yet needing (what is literally "relative" ) clarity regarding just WHO she's talking about.

Oh yeah absolutely I get it too.. sometimes it’s just easier to say ‘my dads house’ than try and explain her (very unique) situation to everyone all the time!
But I do notice, and find it quite interesting that she will still use ‘my dad’ most of the time even when talking to her best friend/close friends who would definitely know who she meant if she just said ‘Ollie’ 🤷🏼‍♂️
I do often get the impression from her that she likes that she sees a lot of herself in me, that people say were so alike and that we have a fair bit in common - I think she’d tell you that she’s gone through life up to now thinking she was very different to both her ‘parents’.. and I guess it’s actually a bit of an adjustment to go from that mindset to realising you actually take after your ‘old man’ pretty strongly!

On 6/18/2020 at 1:19 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

But of course she was introduced to you as "(Ollie)"... and just... stays with what is familiar (if not entirely familial ).

I expect that mere time will just have her so often referencing you AS her dad, that it will turn up at home on its own.

(maybe she'll walk in with a friend after school one day, after having all day mentioned plans she has with her dad... and it will just turn-up naturally out loud there at home)

Maybe maybe! Like I say I’m not worried, if it’s ‘Ollie’ forever then that’s just fine.. it’s the relationship I want not the title! ..But, I do like hearing her say dad more than I think I would ever of realised I would!

 

[Ellener]

Happy Father's Day @Ollie180!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah,

Happy Father's Day   (on your first... )

 

LOL

[chillii]

On 6/18/2020 at 8:26 AM, Ollie180 said:

Thanks man!!
I think you’re completely right! I do feel like I’m incredibly proud to say she’s my daughter, but I’m very aware when I say that that her mum has done all the ‘raising’ thus far! And for sure she’s a credit to her mum!

LOOOOOL!! Oh yeah, gotta brush up my embarrassing dad skills! 😂 

To be fair though she’s ‘let’ me meet BFF twice now.. and more than that if you count FaceTime. It’s funny actually how if she does FaceTime friends from my house she won’t really take herself off to her room, she’ll happily chat to them sat in the kitchen while I’m in their cooking or whstever..... so I can’t be totally cramping her image 🙈🤣🤣

 

The one thing I always quite like about hearing her talk to her mates is that’s when she’ll casually drop ‘dad’ in the third person.. “..my dad..”, “..my dad’s...” ...when she’s talking to me she’ll always say ‘Ollie’ which is absolutely fine, no issue at all with that.. but there’s still sometime I like about hearing her say “my dad”

 

 

 

Really nice to see things are coming along , huge change for you both but it's pretty obvious your both equally over the moon with things , fantastic.

Meeting the gf eh, kinda giving me a bit of a moment there bc my d hasn't met my gf yet so l can only hope it goes as well as you guys did , sounds great and your d sounded like such a 15yrold with the eyebrows don't worry they come out with things like that all the time it cracks you up. Don't miss a new hair day whatever you do , chuckle.

 l was gonna say yeah that damn face timing stuff with friends ooooo l don't like that one. My d walks round the house camera's rolling , cooking, tv , coming out of the bath room, first coffee for the morng , wearing or doing God knows what, l didn't realize for awhile there and the gadgets they've got now it's mind boggling you had to watch out for all of them or she'd forget and leave one absolutely anywhere still running. So anyway l'm of film now thk God, we had a good chat about that one let me tell ya.

 

Edited June 21, 2020 by chillii

[Ollie180]

On 6/20/2020 at 1:38 PM, Ellener said:

Happy Father's Day @Ollie180!

 

14 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Yeah,

Happy Father's Day   (on your first... )

 

LOL

Thank you guys!! 😁

I‘ve never celebrated a Father’s Day in my life so I’d kinda forgotten it was even this weekend till she gave me a card and some presents which was very nice of her!

(Although, one of her presents was one of those cheesy ‘Dad’ mugs (cute) but it says ‘Dad’ on one side and on the other ‘I'd walk through fire for you dad. Well, not fire because that's dangerous. But a super humid room... well not too humid, because you know... my hair’ soooo... what can I say, at least I know where I stand, right? 🙈🤣)

[Ellener]

She's really cool!