UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ellener]

Hope you are doing ok @Ollie180

[Ollie180]

30 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Hope you are doing ok @Ollie180

Hey El!

Yeah we’re chugging along! Kiddo can’t see her mum at the moment (other than via FaceTime), so that’s a bit tough on her because she was going everyday. That said I don’t necessarily think it’s easy to visit a place like that everyday so maybe it’s a bit of pressure off her in a weird way. 🤷🏼‍♂️ She’s also got mock GCSE’s going on at the moment too which is a deffo extra stress (that in a perfect world we could do without)...she finds studying and academia hard - but it’s just another thing where she reminds so much of, me! Something practical and she’d be fine but something she needs to write down and 🤯

I told her though she might be a chip off the old block but she’s already lightyears ahead of me at that age!! Better grades than me, manages dyslexia better than me, way more mature than me ....and I’ve done alright in life, so you know shes gonna do fantastic!

 

I reckon we’ll maybe put the Christmas decorations up next weekend, my gf always decorates amazing! And Christmas decorations make everything feel more cheery right!

 

Hope you and your boy are doing good & staying safe ✌

Edited November 14, 2020 by Ollie180

[Ellener]

17 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Hope you and your boy are doing good & staying safe ✌

Thanks Ollie. Things have been rough this year...both trying to be positive.

My brother got Covid a few days ago but sister says he's fine. He's well looked-after.

Agree it will be good for your daughter to focus on 'normal stuff'. Been a long year for her.

It's Thanksgiving here in a few days, last Thurs in November. It would make sense to give out economic stimulus cheques in advance of that since the next day is one of the big shopping days in America, people line up for hours for 'bargains'! I don't do all the 'holiday' stuff but it will maybe lift the mood in the US. I'm setting up new business for 2021, if things go well next few days I'll buy a tree, something in a pot which can go on the balcony after, I have a pleasant little outdoor space here and like watching things grow 🌲

🎄

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

15 hours ago, Ellener said:

 

It's Thanksgiving here in a few days, last Thurs in November. It would make sense to give out economic stimulus cheques in advance of that since the next day is one of the big shopping days in America, people line up for hours for 'bargains'!

 

It probably wouldn't be wise for the goverment to stimulate both holiday gatherings  and  people lining up together for hours.

 

 

[Ellener]

4 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

It probably wouldn't be wise for the goverment to stimulate both holiday gatherings  and  people lining up together for hours.

 

 

I live in Texas, people will do what they want here! 

Hope you had a good weekend @Ollie180 Did you say you have a dog? I just got back from a dog park. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

19 hours ago, Ellener said:

I live in Texas, people will do what they want here! 

 

... but Government subsidizing it was in question.

 

 

[Ollie180]

On 11/15/2020 at 10:10 AM, Ellener said:

I'm setting up new business for 2021, if things go well next few days I'll buy a tree, something in a pot which can go on the balcony after, I have a pleasant little outdoor space here and like watching things grow 🌲

🎄

That’s exciting! 2020 hasn’t been great for my work tbh but getting by so can’t really complain, I know some folk are worse off!

On 11/16/2020 at 2:11 AM, Ellener said:

Hope you had a good weekend @Ollie180 Did you say you have a dog? I just got back from a dog park. 

Sure do, he’s a big soppy mastiff X. He loves my daughter, he follows her round like a shadow which is nice, and she normally takes him for a walk after school which I think is good seeing how we’re still in lockdown. Only another 1 & 1/2 weeks of lockdown fingers crossed though! 

[Ellener]

Things are pretty dire in America, Ollie 😣 Never been through a year like it. 

I put up my miniature christmas tree today, I like the lights...and made soup and bought food for Thanksgiving day ( next Thurs ) which will be roast pork. Covid went crazy again so work/volunteer work is yet again on hold. I bought a soprano ukelele to learn and a harmonica to practice a couple of xmas songs, not looking like there will be much in the way of Christmas bookings though. I'll sing to myself!

Getting good zipping around in the wheelchair and it's pleasant weather to be outdoors.

Dogs are such good companions! Mine is just 9 pounds, she loves this time of year when it's cooler and she can come everywhere with me.

Tomorrow I'm donating blood, she won't be going there though!

🐶

 

[Ollie180]

On 11/21/2020 at 12:58 AM, Ellener said:

Things are pretty dire in America, Ollie 😣 Never been through a year like it. 

I put up my miniature christmas tree today, I like the lights...and made soup and bought food for Thanksgiving day ( next Thurs ) which will be roast pork. Covid went crazy again so work/volunteer work is yet again on hold. I bought a soprano ukelele to learn and a harmonica to practice a couple of xmas songs, not looking like there will be much in the way of Christmas bookings though. I'll sing to myself!

Getting good zipping around in the wheelchair and it's pleasant weather to be outdoors.

Dogs are such good companions! Mine is just 9 pounds, she loves this time of year when it's cooler and she can come everywhere with me.

Tomorrow I'm donating blood, she won't be going there though!

🐶

Ah jee, sorry to hear that! It’s been. Weird year world round I think! We put the decs up now too! I went a bit ott on outdoor lights because I bought them online - feel like you could probs see my boat from space!

Me and DD went over to her mums house yesterday and picked up some of their Christmas decs, I just thought it’d be nice for dd to have some of her own stuff, although like without trying to make it like Christmas with her mum because obviously it’s not.

oh nice! You usually perform then do you? I used to busk in London when I was a lad haha.

N’aww yeah dogs are awesome! My gf works with rescue dogs, she shows me pics and I just want to bring them all home!

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Ah jee, sorry to hear that! It’s been. Weird year world round I think! We put the decs up now too! I went a bit ott on outdoor lights because I bought them online - feel like you could probs see my boat from space!

Me and DD went over to her mums house yesterday and picked up some of their Christmas decs, I just thought it’d be nice for dd to have some of her own stuff, although like without trying to make it like Christmas with her mum because obviously it’s not.

oh nice! You usually perform then do you? I used to busk in London when I was a lad haha.

N’aww yeah dogs are awesome! My gf works with rescue dogs, she shows me pics and I just want to bring them all home!

Do you live on the boat? I've been watching a British show called 'Country House Gent' about a man who bought a canal barge to live on. 

Will your daughter get to see her mum soon, maybe over Christmas? My sister said the plan is a week off the lockdowns or something?

I've been doing memory care music programmes for some years now, those places are all still closed to visitors, though there's talk of them getting the vaccines first.

Never busked, not sure if you'd be moved on here...I'll find out! The ukelele is proving easy to learn, I might give the guitar another go next year. 

My dog was abandoned as a pup, a neighbour rescued her then when he had to move she came to me. She's my little shadow now after our housing horrors earlier this year! She's sleeping on a pillow by my side here as I type this 🐶

 

 

[Ollie180]

@Ellener it’s a semi permanent houseboat. So kinda like a canal boat but bigger, and with like a built in boardwalk/deck on three sides.

yeah! I’m hoping she can see her on Wednesday or Thursday next week depending on what time the lockdown lifts! I think that will be really good, it’s been a long time now compared to when she was going every day!

Dogs are angels! They make everything better right!

[Ollie180]

Quick update...

We lost my ex Wednesday. Even though we knew this was coming for ages, and I confess I did think this was fast approaching, it was actually a bit of a shock for DD.. she wasn’t expecting it then. And it was all a bit not ideal because she was at school, and I was (even if I smashed every speed limit) a good 90mins away working, typically, after working from home for weeks now! Felt a bit bad for that, like already the first time she needs me to be there and I wasn’t 🙄 but she didn’t want anyone else, just waited there for me, and when I walked in, that’s the first time she’s ever called me ‘dad’...sorta broke my heart hearing that.

 

I don’t know what to say really, obviously she’s devastated, and there’s no right or wrong way to be devastated! She’s really really quiet, but she’s stuck to me like glue, which means that she’s not shutting me out which is good I guess. I camped out on the sofa with her last night, maybe again tonight as well not sure yet,  she is asleep at the mo!

I feel like the next few days is just a case of ‘getting through’ but although I might be a bit hit and miss on here any advice for how to help grieving teenagers and I’m all ears!

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear it. Grief counselor would probably be a good idea if that's available.

The end of one phase of life is the start of the next. Probably a good idea to try to make sure she gets off to as good a start as possible under the circumstances.

GL + do let us know how things go.

[Ellener]

Sorry @Ollie180 Thinking of you all. 

Just be there for your daughter is the only 'advice', everyone grieves in their own way and this has happened suddenly and without a final visit in person. Whatever your daughter feels is okay, and you have a good relationship, she knows you will support and comfort her.

Sending love.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

As you wrote, you knew this time would come. But, so sorry anyway, Ollie.

Pray for your daughter each day that God will find ways to comfort her. Then continue to consistently be the dad she's come to know. Best thing you can do.

[introverted1]

So sorry to hear this Ollie.  Sending healing and light to you and your daughter.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/26/2020 at 1:37 PM, Ollie180 said:

Quick update...

We lost my ex Wednesday. Even though we knew this was coming for ages, and I confess I did think this was fast approaching, it was actually a bit of a shock for DD.. she wasn’t expecting it then. And it was all a bit not ideal because she was at school, and I was (even if I smashed every speed limit) a good 90mins away working, typically, after working from home for weeks now! Felt a bit bad for that, like already the first time she needs me to be there and I wasn’t 🙄 but she didn’t want anyone else, just waited there for me, and when I walked in, that’s the first time she’s ever called me ‘dad’...sorta broke my heart hearing that.

 

I don’t know what to say really, obviously she’s devastated, and there’s no right or wrong way to be devastated! She’s really really quiet, but she’s stuck to me like glue, which means that she’s not shutting me out which is good I guess. I camped out on the sofa with her last night, maybe again tonight as well not sure yet,  she is asleep at the mo!

I feel like the next few days is just a case of ‘getting through’ but although I might be a bit hit and miss on here any advice for how to help grieving teenagers and I’m all ears!

 

I dunno how to logically arrive at my impulse to at least carry around with you a near-future conversation  about how considerably "well-positioned"   you and DD have been FOR this highly probable outcome.

 

And ultimately it was that wonderful EX who needs to be credited with having set "DD" up for a future that really WILL be "just fine" .

 

Later you might (again) bring-up how rare it is to have had the full sequence of surprising events which you have known, and now there really isn't anybody out there (whose story you know of  )  that can relate to such a sequence of events (beginning back when you were a teen).  

 

The ex's effort at bringing YOU back around into the fold is proof enough of just how she felt about your capability for the job ahead.

 

The ex's early inspiration for not sharing with you the secret, was at least 'logical' in her thoughts, and with regard to her life expectations.  The timing (both in your life, and near to your initial split-up)...  was such that you can't really  have a confident sense that things would have gone smoothly for all, back then, had your ex taken the different path.

 

Was the ex  "selfish"  based only on that initial decision to not let you know your daughter early?     Yes,  she has to earn that label.

 

BUT the woman's sentiments have been shared by many, over an eternity, in situations just the same as yours must've been.    Such a PATH it has been...   (if only DD could give you a 'book report' on the entire duration of time since she was born, then there might be some important clarity which better defined your ex.)

 

ALSO...   (although we can't know any details here {yet?} )  ...  we sense that you didn't overtly burn any bridges...  back in the day... and thus your EX was able to recognize quite soon that she could likely bank on your standards and earthiness to want to guide that young woman you share through the rest of (your) time on this earth.

 

Some of the...  'barbs'   we may have learned/read/sensed here (via Loveshack reading) that came from your ex...   were more a function of the many years when you and the ex were apart, and she didn't get to watch YOU mature into a solid adult...   so instead, and like anyone, she drew upon what she KNEW... (from the distant past)... and was probably happy to even recognize  any elements of  (what SHE knew OF you, back in the day)...

 

(nothing about what she might have said in fun, or in jest, about you, in recent times,  was sensed as a matter-of-fact  report about YOU in your present)

 

Darn,  it makes sense to want to mourn this woman as we might most any other...  BUT sort of 'stuck'  with all thoughts of her  is the miraculous-seeming evolution that allowed good reason for you to be invited into DD's life.   

AND that you arrived from a position of  completely-guilt-free   with regard to how it was that you were only entering DD's life when DD was 15...  is such a minor miracle (that lets you take the reins now with all of  #public sentiment#  completely ON your side )...  and it is from THAT stroke of good fate that you will be inspired to carry-on as your EX would have wanted you to.

 

Ultimately, you don't really have to "BE" anything or anyone that you aren't already...     because I sense that your EX long ago reasoned that you are  "all she'll need" (DD).

 

You have about 4 weeks until Covid Christmas...   so take some time to (hope the Gov't might let you out of your pen far enough to create some WAYS in which you and DD can routinely remember your EX... with traditions begun NOW...   and in her memory. )

 

Ollie,   it has been enlightening and mostly joyful to learn of your unique story...     but while you first arrived here with stories of marked "events"  in various lives...   NOW it is the ordinary   lazy days...      which are going to be most important.

 

Burned toast...    morning newspaper in the bushes...   internet goes out... WiFi doesn't work...    slumber parties hosted...   homework not always done...    eventual Senior year activities (Covid permitting in a year or two)...    shared breakfasts...   and other random stuff.

 

It's all gonna be OK...    but everyone knows it will hurt for a while.

 

What a story.

 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

....  AND another thought:

 

I know it's a tough time to think about this right now...    but it could be so useful to DD in later years if she would stop soon and write a letter to her later self (perhaps also directed toward future family)...     as her story is SO unique  that to document it with current thoughts and emotions (with regard to having once had a seeming father that she lost...  and then likely getting the strong feeling she would lose her mother so young... AND simultaneously knowing the likely shock that was suddenly aquiring her biological father for what was the first time...  only to evolve through all of it with increased strength and resolve.

Family history into the future will be FAR better documented than it was in the 1800's or so, BUT that doesn't mean that unique stories like DD's shouldn't be preserved in detail  by those who lived them.    

By now, ancestors from the 1800's are mere names on a pedigree chart, and a grand void exists to most people wanting to know anything more than that.   The stuff that you and DD have LIVED recently is such that goes undocumented for all eternity... unLESS somebody takes the time to carefully write it all down.     

It really should be DD who writes it all down...  with your inspiration, Ollie.

 

 

[Ollie180]

Thank you guys! 
 

@mark clemsonSo she has counselling at school (which she doesn’t particularly like, but I am glad that she does have a professional outlet involved, to a degree). I kind of don’t want to push her into more counselling that she’s not receptive of, I’d rather kinda she just know the option is available to her if and when she’s ready for it. 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

@Ellener Thank you! Yeah, you know on that note I was saying the other day, like, she means the whole world to me, she really does and has for ages! But I think this has given me a wake up call that maybe I actually didn’t realise quite how much I meant to her too. That sounds weird, like I knew we got on, but, like that day she didn’t want anyone but me and every since then she’s been stuck to me like superglue and I think it’s made me realise what ‘dad’ means in a way I guess I didn’t appreciate before.

Actually.. she calls me ‘dad’ now, we haven’t spoke about it and she never did before, but ever since that moment she’s been calling me ‘dad’ and has only called me ‘Ollie’ like a handful of times.

On 11/28/2020 at 3:25 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The ex's effort at bringing YOU back around into the fold is proof enough of just how she felt about your capability for the job ahead.

DD choked me up yesterday - for the first couple of days she was just crushed, like so so quiet, barely saying anything, but yesterday was better, she was up and down but just a lot more chatty - and anyway we were just sitting on the sofa and she was saying how she spent a lot of her life thinking that she was, not like a disappointment that would be way to strong, but that she struggled to live up to what her mum wanted. (Which would never be remotely true, her mum was just one of those people that shows her love by pushing you to be your best! Only some of the things that her mum held in high value, DD doesn’t value quite so much). But she said that that perception massively changed for her when she met me, because she realised that we’re so alike, she’s just like me, and also that however much her mum nagged me (a lot) she knew that I was the love of her mums life, and how much she did value the traits that I had that maybe she didn’t - the ones I share with DD. She’s feels like that sort of gave her the freedom to just live her life and know that she still will be doing her mum proud! .....Really got me that, all the feels, I told her she was going to make me cry!

On 11/28/2020 at 3:25 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

You have about 4 weeks until Covid Christmas...   so take some time to (hope the Gov't might let you out of your pen far enough to create some WAYS in which you and DD can routinely remember your EX... with traditions begun NOW...   and in her memory. )

 

Ollie,   it has been enlightening and mostly joyful to learn of your unique story...     but while you first arrived here with stories of marked "events"  in various lives...   NOW it is the ordinary   lazy days...      which are going to be most important.

Yeah, the lockdown ends on Wednesday so we’ll arrange the funeral for the the week after, I need to do some research to work out the best way to do it with covid restrictions still in place. But at least once lockdown is over they’ll be more support for DD from her wider circle.

Christmas, might be a strange one - I’m overjoyed to spend my first Christmas as someone’s ‘dad’, but I know first hand how much Christmas makes you so so aware of any pain you’re living with like a slap round the face. We’ll take it day by day I guess!

you’re right as well! It’s the normal day to day that is actually the most important thing in our lives now - hers and mine!

[Ellener]

My son was always my number one priority @Ollie180 and now he's a grown man he's still my favourite person in the world...it's a special bond more than any other to be a parent, and now for me as I get older and fragile myself, to have that caring turned back to me in turn, it's priceless.

Your ex knew you'd do great with her legacy. 

 

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

 

DD choked me up yesterday - for the first couple of days she was just crushed, like so so quiet, barely saying anything, but yesterday was better, she was up and down but just a lot more chatty - and anyway we were just sitting on the sofa and she was saying how she spent a lot of her life thinking that she was, not like a disappointment that would be way to strong, but that she struggled to live up to what her mum wanted. (Which would never be remotely true, her mum was just one of those people that shows her love by pushing you to be your best! Only some of the things that her mum held in high value, DD doesn’t value quite so much). But she said that that perception massively changed for her when she met me, because she realised that we’re so alike, she’s just like me, and also that however much her mum nagged me (a lot) she knew that I was the love of her mums life, and how much she did value the traits that I had that maybe she didn’t - the ones I share with DD. She’s feels like that sort of gave her the freedom to just live her life and know that she still will be doing her mum proud! .....Really got me that, all the feels, I told her she was going to make me cry!

 

(sigh)   DD can't know what it is like to be a parent...

and you missed so many of those days  back there when the WiFi stopped working, and the newspaper was in the bushes...   AND then you saw 20-month-old DD  (do some random, kid thing for the first time )...    where you just marveled  over (whatever LITTLE thing it was)... before sloooooooooooooooowly convincing yourself (over YEARS) that what two parents want most, is an individual who HAS traits from both sides that are recognizable as such.

 

In 2020 things are made more complex by DD being RIGHT at an age where recognizing and being comfortable with  one's own individuality is a challenge.

 

So like a few other things...   it's gonna take time...

 

But you're all on the right path...    and hopefully the largest of hurdles are almost all behind you now.

 

 

 I hope you don't find any bumps in the road in the near future...

 

Good luck!

 

 

[Ollie180]

On 11/28/2020 at 8:07 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Family history into the future will be FAR better documented than it was in the 1800's or so, BUT that doesn't mean that unique stories like DD's shouldn't be preserved in detail  by those who lived them.    

You’re not wrong! Particularly as someone who knows basically nothing about where he’s from or his family history, I know that most of us are probably guilty of not recording enough!

That said, DD isn’t really a dear diary kinda girl, she’s pretty begrudging when it comes to writing anything at all even when it’s like, essential!

On 11/29/2020 at 8:29 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

In 2020 things are made more complex by DD being RIGHT at an age where recognizing and being comfortable with  one's own individuality is a challenge.

Agreed! I do notice this because you know I have a tendency to make jokes about anything that makes me feel insecure, and it had started to stick out to me even before what she said the other day that she has, more than once, made jokes about thinking she was adopted, and being nothing like her mum or first “dad”. I think if you make a joke more than once then there’s a element of truth behind what you’re saying.

And, for what it’s worth she’s wrong - she knows her worth better than I ever have, I’ve been peoples mug in the past, DD would never be anyone’s mug, that’s her mums dna right there! When that steel comes out, that’s when I can see her mum in her!

[Ollie180]

DD wants to go back to school tomorrow. I think it’s probably a bit quick, but I think it’s good that she wants to see her mates.

Im not going to stop her but I’m going to stay close at hand to be able to pick her up, I told her she can just do a half day if she wants 🤷🏼‍♂️
 

I was sorting funeral arrangements today, but when I say sorting.. there’s not much to sort - her mums given me files and lists for everythinggg (basically shes pre organised our lives for about the next 2 years!).

Thats going to be a hard day though, particularly with covid restrictions.

[Ellener]

2 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

her mums given me files and lists for everythinggg (basically shes pre organised our lives for about the next 2 years!).

🤣

Sending love

[Ollie180]

DD did alright back at school, all things considered. I don’t think it’s been easy but it’s fine as can be expected. Having a little trouble with her English teacher but tbf that’s not the first time and I doubt it’ll be the last time, so I’m not worried about that, I don’t think it’s a direct response to her feelings about losing her mum or anything.

We’ve got the funeral on Wednesday so, I mean, I just think that’s gonna be hard tbh. It’s very small because of covid, but DD’s best mate and her parents are coming which I’m pleased about, they’re like family to DD really.