Author Ollie180 Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 On 3/25/2020 at 11:59 PM, Ellener said: Well, you're getting a chance now that's for sure! You are doing great! Of course they are on edge and angry etc all that's going on, you'll just have to prove yourself by being calm and supportive...and rant a bit away from them if you need to! Thank you! Yeah and I’m okay with that.. I know like meeting her wouldnt of been totally straightforward anyway, but meeting her like this, with my ex in the condition she is... I know that’s not going to be smooth sailing so I just need to keep riding the waves as they come! You know, this is mushy but.. when I was a little kid I really struggled at school.. I had a turbulent home life, courtesy of my step dad, I had my adhd, that made it so hard for me to concentrate, and I’m dyslexic, at the time reading was a big stumbling block for me. But I remember my mum always used to tell me “ ‘magic’ is just another word for ‘grit’, and you’ve got grit son” ...that was a blessing of a sentence to tell a kid, because even now I’m the wrong side of 30, when something’s a question of perseverance I still always think about that, because I know I don’t have to wonder what my mum would say! ✌️ On 3/26/2020 at 2:22 AM, SincereOnlineGuy said: I am not inclined to blame the mom too much, because I have no idea what it is like to contemplate my own mortality, let alone my own mortality as it pertains to a person I brought into this world. At some point though, the only way that woman finds peace and acceptance is to make those with herself. If it were merely logic... I suspect she would most likely prefer her final memories/understandings to be: "at least I know that DD is going to be OK... and surprisingly WITH a person who is her blood and family". Maybe the trouble is there is too much empty time in the day to be content to begin at that point and work her way back toward the present. Yeah for sure, and I think she knows that too. I get it’s tough (on so many levels), but also because, truth is she knew me a very long time ago, when we were both so much younger - I must seem like a bit of a stranger to her now! However, she did seek me out, to find me, for this, for DD! So, ultimately she must think I’m capable of a half decent job, else she wouldn’t have come looking! its DD’s opinion that I’m most worried about now anyway.. that’s the one that’s really going to count. And it’s mad because she’s 100% the #1 priority and most important person in my life now, and yet I’ve only really just met her! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 8 minutes ago, Ollie180 said: its DD’s opinion that I’m most worried about now anyway.. that’s the one that’s really going to count. And it’s mad because she’s 100% the #1 priority and most important person in my life now, and yet I’ve only really just met her! The BEST part of that is the "automatic" aspect of it. (* which doesn't mean you don't need to focus, and work hard on the endeavor... just that... {the ball is smaller and the hoop is bigger} ... so to shoot the ball anywhere near to the hoop affords it an excellent chance at success) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 7 hours ago, Ollie180 said: it’s mad because she’s 100% the #1 priority and most important person in my life now, and yet I’ve only really just met her! Being a parent of a teen can be difficult with 13 years run-up to it...you certainly had to adapt fast! You are both very lucky to have each other and yes 7 hours ago, Ollie180 said: ultimately she must think I’m capable of a half decent job, else she wouldn’t have come looking! 👨👩👦 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 On 3/27/2020 at 11:07 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said: The BEST part of that is the "automatic" aspect of it. (* which doesn't mean you don't need to focus, and work hard on the endeavor... just that... {the ball is smaller and the hoop is bigger} ... so to shoot the ball anywhere near to the hoop affords it an excellent chance at success) Thabks mate! Yeah it’s mad but you’re right! Whatever it is... instinct, biology, evolution, dna, conditioning... I have no idea what does it... but there was definite something there straight frok the off! Which, like you say isn’t a solution but it’s a good building block... and I feel that off her too. Like I was in a two and eight that she wouldn’t give a damn, that I was walking into her life too late and she had no reason to be bothered about me! ..Plus she’s a teenager, I know what teenagers can be like, I thought she might make it difficult and have like big walls up... ...but I the vibe I actually get from her is that it seems to matter to her too! Shes made an effort with me - which is all I could of asked!! I get what my ex means though in the sense that DD does have some walls up, but with everyone not just me, in the sense that she hides behind humour quite a bit.. I can see that clear as day because I’m literally the king of it! I didn’t even realise how much that is me, until I heard her doing it - I dealt with stuff like that when I was 15, I’m ngl I do it now! It’s weird because obviously it’s all new for me, but It’s weird to see so much of yourself in someone else! That’s something I’ve never ever done before because like the only family I’ve ever known was my mum, and I lost her really young! It’s like the most bizarre thing because I feel like even in this really short time I’ve learnt stuff about myself, by learning stuff about her - Bit of a mind bender! On 3/28/2020 at 5:15 AM, Ellener said: Being a parent of a teen can be difficult with 13 years run-up to it...you certainly had to adapt fast! You are both very lucky to have each other and yes 👨👩👦 Honestly, not quite sure where to start as a ‘parent’ but.. I do think she’s going to need me (wether or not she realises that now) but I’ve been there, and I know how hard what’s in front of her is, so I think she will need me.. ..but I know I need her! Blimey, like as left field as it was.. this is the kind of direction and permanence that I’ve needed my whole life to tell the truth! Probably the first time in my adult life I’ve actually known what the most important aspect of my life is! Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 2 hours ago, Ollie180 said: Probably the first time in my adult life I’ve actually known what the most important aspect of my life is! The luckiest loveliest thing in all this is you recognised it immediately as a beautiful unusual gift. You'll do fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 14 hours ago, Ollie180 said: ..Plus she’s a teenager, I know what teenagers can be like, I thought she might make it difficult and have like big walls up... ...but I the vibe I actually get from her is that it seems to matter to her too! Shes made an effort with me - which is all I could of asked!! I get what my ex means though in the sense that DD does have some walls up, but with everyone not just me, in the sense that she hides behind humour quite a bit.. I can see that clear as day because I’m literally the king of it! I didn’t even realise how much that is me, until I heard her doing it - I dealt with stuff like that when I was 15, I’m ngl I do it now! It’s weird because obviously it’s all new for me, but It’s weird to see so much of yourself in someone else! Maybe it merits mention that m-m-m-m-m-m-MOST of the time we see the story of a teen girl needing to go from one caretaker to another, that teen has so often been abused or significantly mistreated that many of the (stories we then read) are pre-ordained and leaning heavily toward the unfortunate. While there is plenty of margin for this individual not having had evvvvvvvvvvvverything in her past, there is nothing known to those of us reading on Loveshack which suggests that she hasn't been someone who has grown so far in a loving and supportive environment. Those sorts of people are far better capable of making necessary adjustments when life demands them than are the unfortunate ones who have no sense OF how to be content in a healthy environment. Also, because nearly every story we read about parents raising teenagers has a foundation of watching those people from when they were in diapers with their changes and uniquenesses having come to light SO SLOWLY that such parents collectively don't have the vivid sense of the individuality of those teenagers that you will know. It is likely to be completely remarkable... and sooner vs. later. But other parents won't be able to relate to the awe that you can feel all the time... and for doing little more than providing/continuing the solid and supportive environment that your daughter has and will know. Even the newness of your sudden responsibility won't wear-off for a couple/few years... and ALL you have to do is facilitate normalcy all around her. (I hope Covid trends go your way, but other than that, the path is clear and promising) Somewhere deep beneath all of the experiences you've started to create for yourself are ingrained understandings as to why, for example, SO many of the husbands talked about here on Loveshack so often stick with the wife with whom they've shared the long investment vs the sweet, often-younger things that tempt them elsewhere. It really IS that investment deep down... and you get to effectively *begin* with each side already having an automatic investment in the other. So just build your relationship slowly and steadily and only shift gears when perhaps needed/necessary in a couple/few years. It'll all go fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Maybe it merits mention that m-m-m-m-m-m-MOST of the time we see the story of a teen girl needing to go from one caretaker to another, that teen has so often been abused or significantly mistreated that many of the (stories we then read) are pre-ordained and leaning heavily toward the unfortunate. While there is plenty of margin for this individual not having had evvvvvvvvvvvverything in her past, there is nothing known to those of us reading on Loveshack which suggests that she hasn't been someone who has grown so far in a loving and supportive environment. Those sorts of people are far better capable of making necessary adjustments when life demands them than are the unfortunate ones who have no sense OF how to be content in a healthy environment. Do you know, you make a very good point sir! I hadn't really thought about that! In my own life I was 100% that teen bouncing around the foster system from home to home so it probably does skew my view y'know! She's going through a horrible horrible time right now, but, she comes from a loving, very stable home. Quote Also, because nearly every story we read about parents raising teenagers has a foundation of watching those people from when they were in diapers with their changes and uniquenesses having come to light SO SLOWLY that such parents collectively don't have the vivid sense of the individuality of those teenagers that you will know. Yeah I think you're right! I think it is a gift that I just see her straight for who she is now, because I didn't have any preconceptions at all, maybe that is a weird benefit of this. I think maybe we just have a different relationship.. to her I'm Ollie, because this other geez was her "dad", but then maybe her getting to know me as Ollie isn't the worst thing in the world, maybe it just gives our relationship something different. Quote But other parents won't be able to relate to the awe that you can feel all the time... and for doing little more than providing/continuing the solid and supportive environment that your daughter has and will know. Even the newness of your sudden responsibility won't wear-off for a couple/few years... and ALL you have to do is facilitate normalcy all around her. (I hope Covid trends go your way, but other than that, the path is clear and promising) Haha yeah.. you know when folk have a baby and then they bring it home and everyone goes round to visit and they just sit there looking at it, like damn thats my kid.......I feel like that now......only shes 15!! Ugh I know covid is, tough on everyone, but obviously my ex is 'high risk' so it is just tough. I'll be able to see them tomorrow though - driving them to the hospital for my ex, which is "essential" so, I'll get to see DD too. It really IS that investment deep down... and you get to effectively *begin* with each side already having an automatic investment in the other. Yeah... I think as well like, I don't know who my dad is, I never have.... but if he rocked up at my door tomorrow......I don't think I'd have the time of day for him. I think, the fact he walked away, and the fact he walked away from my mum, it's sort of taken away any of that 'automatic investment' I maybe could of had. So I'm really happy that me and DD seem to be mostly on the same page with it.. I think we get to start on a really clean slate because.. she doesn't hold any blame on me for anything. Which I guess is fairly unique! Edited March 30, 2020 by Ollie180 I tried... I can’t fix the quote 🤦🏼♂️ Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 7 hours ago, Ollie180 said: Do you know, you make a very good point sir! I hadn't really thought about that! In my own life I was 100% that teen bouncing around the foster system from home to home so it probably does skew my view y'know! She's going through a horrible horrible time right now, but, she comes from a loving, very stable home. Ponder for a second how those who are adopted early, and then informed from a young age that indeed they were adopted, often have troubles attaching to others in relationships, and often deal with a heightened fear of abandonment... And then observe how their own kids (natural offspring of the once-adopted people) never even think twice about the things which commonly impacted their once-adopted parent. It remains quite (comforting, really) just how little beyond being a solid individual you'll need to be in order to represent m-m-m-m-m-m-MOST of what she'll need over the next 10 years. The stuff you knew, and from which you draw your motivation... simply isn't within her... and she will do fine at taking life's major challenges and preserving herself through them, with your help. (she's just been given extra challenges over the years... but she probably gained some additional resolve from the sum of those challenges) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 16 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Ponder for a second how those who are adopted early, and then informed from a young age that indeed they were adopted, often have troubles attaching to others in relationships, and often deal with a heightened fear of abandonment... And then observe how their own kids (natural offspring of the once-adopted people) never even think twice about the things which commonly impacted their once-adopted parent. Funny isn't it, that's like the opposite of the old what-doesn't-kill-you-makes-you-tougher ethos! It remains quite (comforting, really) just how little beyond being a solid individual you'll need to be in order to represent m-m-m-m-m-m-MOST of what she'll need over the next 10 years. Yeah, I hope so, like it still feels weird to say I'm someones dad, I don't feel like "a dad" whatever that is meant to feel like. So then I'm like, damn, maybe I need to be more prepared......... but whenever I'm actually with her... It feels pretty natural, So yeah hopefully you're bang on, hopefully we will just build on that! The stuff you knew, and from which you draw your motivation... simply isn't within her... and she will do fine at taking life's major challenges and preserving herself through them, with your help. (she's just been given extra challenges over the years... but she probably gained some additional resolve from the sum of those challenges) Yeah very very true. I guess I have to be grateful to my ex for that much - I swore any kid of mine would have a better that I did...and DD definitely did! Her mum gave her that much (I'd of rather been part of it, but she did give her that)! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) I took DD & my ex to ex's hosp appt today, (most people I've seen in the outside world since isolation)! It was actually the most.. frail, I guess, that've seen my ex look. Which was actually a little bit shocking. Partly because I feel like I've lived this story before, and mostly because.. when I think of my ex the image in my head is still that 19 year old that I went off to see the world with. It's mad to realise just how many years ago that was! 👴 She thanked me a lot today though, barely scolded me for anything 😂 and, more importantly, she said she was 'sorry' for everything, for not involving me in DD's life, said she made a decision that she thought was right at the time but that now she realises 'it wasn't right' ...I was please to hear that tbf, not in like a i-told-you-so-way, but just because, yeah, It means something to me! (I said to her like, In another world, does she reckon we could of had an alright life, like been happy? She said "Yeah.. you've always been able to make me smile Ollie so, yeah - I also think we probably would have been destitute, living in a beach hut and eating rat meat taco's for dinner every night - I but 'happy' I'll give you." 🤣🤣) I went in to the house when I took them home, because my ex just wanted to go to bed really and I felt a bit bad for DD. So I just went in and cooked some dinner for me and her and that. She was alright, pretty chipper as per, but then when we were just chilling on the sofa.. she asked me how my mum died, and I was like cancer, and she was like “yeah but how did it actually happen”.. I was kinda like deciding what to say because.. I could count on one hand the times I’ve ever spoken about that day because, well, people don’t ask! But as I was talking she kind of leaned over and put her hand on mine - and I just thought that was mega sweet, so I just pulled her in gave her a proper old bear hug you know, and she just kinda kept her head on my shoulder and said ‘I’m scared’, and I told her I was too, but you can’t worry about stuff in the future so much that it takes away your present, and she kinda smiled and said “mum says I never worry about the future enough”, and I said “yeah, well your mum always says that to me too!! But that we’d figure it out together, day by day!” She nodded and was like ‘okay Ollie’, and then she sort of went back to her normal, happy-go-lucky self. I don’t like to see her stressed! But I do feel like we had a little bit of bonding moment, if that’s not to corny a phrase.. but I’m pleased that we did because I was still a bit worried that she wouldn’t feel like she could really talk to me, not about heavy stuff anyway, that I was still too much of a stranger to her... but I dunno, I feel like obviously she does see me as more than that.. and that hopefully she would talk to me if she needed too! I think as well, she’s finding the ‘social distancing’ from her best mate & her family hard, and so that’s probably part of it, but I still think it’s good that we had that chat because like it does make you feel closer right! Edited March 31, 2020 by Ollie180 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Welcome to the boards, Ollie! Wish it had been under better circumstances--that was a lot to take in even as a reader! I am glad that you are stepping up to be in your daughter's life right now and that it is giving you a sense of purpose, though I'm sorry to hear you weren't given the chance previously. It sounds to me like your ex had convinced herself that you wouldn't be reliable/provide a solid foundation for a family given that you were fun, optimistic, and the types of hardships you had been through in your life, etc. Those assumptions may not have even been true for you as a 19-year-old, but they were prevalent enough in her mind where she thought that was the type of decision she needed to make to protect the baby on the way. So when she snaps or goes off about reliability and consistency, just know it has more to do with her own bias and thought processes operating back then than it has to do with you in the present. It was an unfair assessment, but also probably difficult for her to come to terms with now realizing that may not have been the case. So I don't think there is a point in belaboring it or defending yourself as she is dying and the truth is being presented to her in your actions. There is probably some untold source of grief or regret for her over it as she witnesses the man you are today. That being said, I have to give you major props for handling this as gracefully as you have. All these things are unprecedented and add an epidemic on top of it--I think it is obvious to everyone that you are a solid man who will add a lot to your daughter's life. And I also wanted to express condolences for having to watch one of your former loves perish the way that your mother did, it sounds like this will all give you plenty of time to revisit any old wounds to process, for better or for worse. Anything that you are feeling right now I'm sure is understandable. Looking forward to your next update, but I have faith in you from what you've written so far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Oh, and seeing as to how you must be around my age, I do not think you are an old man the way you keep referencing. Haha, there is no wrong side of 30 here! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 8 hours ago, Ollie180 said: I was still a bit worried that she wouldn’t feel like she could really talk to me, not about heavy stuff anyway, that I was still too much of a stranger to her... but I dunno, I feel like obviously she does see me as more than that.. and that hopefully she would talk to me if she needed too! I think as well, she’s finding the ‘social distancing’ from her best mate & her family hard, and so that’s probably part of it, but I still think it’s good that we had that chat because like it does make you feel closer right! A - I hope ya didn't cook tacos for dinner. B - LOST on you is perhaps the fact that you are essentially talking to complete strangers about this entire topic here. And throughout human relationships, it is most usually for reasons of (perhaps not giving our all TO relationships with various relatives and partners) that we can't talk to them about heavy stuff . (pause) When was the last time you heard anyone anywhere tell of painting someone ELSE into a corner?? Most people painted into corners painted themselves there. With you, she can talk to you first as a 13yo wants to talk to an adult. (stuff she did when she was 7, and 9, and 11 does not weigh heavily on her ability to talk to you today, so she can seemingly begin fresh. You never scolded her for tangent things at age 9 when what she felt really mattered was something else that had her focus then. She has no reason not to trust you) (If she's talking to you about her friend, Jane, you are only going to LISTEN... you won't frown automatically because of something Jane once said or did when you were both in 3rd grade - and how back could it have BEEN?- they were eight! ) (look around Loveshack (don't, really... ) and you'd see scores of relationships that have soured... some have 3rd parties as factors, and many don't... but a common thread is spouses who don't feel they can really talk to one another because they themselves have painted themselves and their relationships into a corner to where it would be perhaps tougher to TALK as they need to, than to (keep seeing that other man/woman ) You won't need to encourage her to talk about the heavy stuff... just don't sweat the tiny stuff which doesn't matter on the grand scale of the heavy stuff, and she'll continue to trust you. I think in this case you start out with 'trust'. You don't really have to *win* from now on... all you have to do is avoid losing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 1, 2020 Author Share Posted April 1, 2020 21 hours ago, healing light said: Welcome to the boards, Ollie! Wish it had been under better circumstances--that was a lot to take in even as a reader! I am glad that you are stepping up to be in your daughter's life right now and that it is giving you a sense of purpose, though I'm sorry to hear you weren't given the chance previously. Thank you! It sounds to me like your ex had convinced herself that you wouldn't be reliable/provide a solid foundation for a family given that you were fun, optimistic, and the types of hardships you had been through in your life, etc. Those assumptions may not have even been true for you as a 19-year-old, but they were prevalent enough in her mind where she thought that was the type of decision she needed to make to protect the baby on the way. So when she snaps or goes off about reliability and consistency, just know it has more to do with her own bias and thought processes operating back then than it has to do with you in the present. It was an unfair assessment, but also probably difficult for her to come to terms with now realizing that may not have been the case. So I don't think there is a point in belaboring it or defending yourself as she is dying and the truth is being presented to her in your actions. There is probably some untold source of grief or regret for her over it as she witnesses the man you are today. I’m not in the business of worry too much what other people think of me, or living my life like that, but I’d like to think that the important people in my life have me down as a lot more than a ‘good time Charlie’. ...But, it is what it is, she was young too, and her mum didn’t like me which probably didn’t help in the end, and, ultimately, it’d be hard to stay angry with someone who is in the position she’s in now - especially when that’s someone you loved once! Interesting sidenote... she gave DD my mums name as her middle name ...I mean it’s nice, it does mean something to me, I think mum would have been stoked ...but it also makes me think like.. if you cared enough about me at the time to do that, then on some level surely you knew that it wasn’t the right thing! Anyway, can’t bring back the past so can only live for now! That being said, I have to give you major props for handling this as gracefully as you have. All these things are unprecedented and add an epidemic on top of it--I think it is obvious to everyone that you are a solid man who will add a lot to your daughter's life. oh don’t get me started on the inconvenient time of this global pandemic 🙈😂 but thank you... I appreciate that! And I also wanted to express condolences for having to watch one of your former loves perish the way that your mother did, it sounds like this will all give you plenty of time to revisit any old wounds to process, for better or for worse. Anything that you are feeling right now I'm sure is understandable. Yeah.. I think that did hit me a bit yesterday.. it’s weird as well to go through something with kids eyes and then again as an adult! But I just want to be there for DD in the way that (without trying to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself) no one really was for me.. what I didn’t fully comprehend until I was living it was that I lost everything when my mum died, not just her, but literally every single bit of normality in my life.. and I don’t want that for DD! 21 hours ago, healing light said: Oh, and seeing as to how you must be around my age, I do not think you are an old man the way you keep referencing. Haha, there is no wrong side of 30 here! Hahahaha no no I only kid! 🤗😂 I just feel like I only had my 21st last week, and I don’t know where the next 14 years went! But your only as old as you act, or something like that right! 😜 Yeah, I mean I don’t agree with it, but it doesn’t come as anything new to me, like it isn’t stuff I haven’t heard before! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 1, 2020 Author Share Posted April 1, 2020 15 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: A - I hope ya didn't cook tacos for dinner. Hahaha certainly didn’t!! (Although.. I have eaten rat before actually.. it’s a bit oily ......definitely didn’t tell the ex that though - couldn’t be giving her the satisfaction 😉🤣) B - LOST on you is perhaps the fact that you are essentially talking to complete strangers about this entire topic here. very very true! ..I guess sometimes it dies feel easier! With you, she can talk to you first as a 13yo wants to talk to an adult. (stuff she did when she was 7, and 9, and 11 does not weigh heavily on her ability to talk to you today, so she can seemingly begin fresh. You never scolded her for tangent things at age 9 when what she felt really mattered was something else that had her focus then. She has no reason not to trust you) (If she's talking to you about her friend, Jane, you are only going to LISTEN... you won't frown automatically because of something Jane once said or did when you were both in 3rd grade - and how back could it have BEEN?- they were eight! ) yeah true!! Particular when you are like 15/16, you spend your whole time trying not to be seen like a kid don’t you.. and because of this super weird situation I do see her for exactly who she is right this moment! ...And I have spent time thinking about the things I wasn’t there for, but you’re right the advantage (if you can call it that) is that we do have a totally fresh slate. And I have a fresh pair of eyes! ...My ex has always been very academic, and Education is very important to her, she loved school (I told you we were a very mishmatched high school couple 😂), I know that she’s worried about DD, she’s worried about her GCSE’s which she’ll be taking this time next year, she doesn’t think her grades are where they should be.... but I wasn’t there for all the times they’ve obviously clashed over school, or for all the extra English tutoring, & dyslexia support... so all I see, is a super mature 15 year old.. who has her head screwed on, presents herself very confidently, easy going and has the ability to really connect with people ...so all I see is a kid that’s gonna do just fine! You won't need to encourage her to talk about the heavy stuff... just don't sweat the tiny stuff which doesn't matter on the grand scale of the heavy stuff, and she'll continue to trust you. I think in this case you start out with 'trust'. You don't really have to *win* from now on... all you have to do is avoid losing. yeah yeah I get you.. and the it doesn’t feel forced either right, it just feels natural! Yeah, which is mad but I do think you’re right! I think it helps that we are actually quite similar.. we have a lot in common! I think that has played a part in making it easier to connect off the bat. Like I can look at her and ‘feel’ that she’s my kid, because sometimes she’ll do or say something and, even I, can see myself in her! (DNA’s weird huh!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 8, 2020 Author Share Posted April 8, 2020 Last chemo appt for the ex of this ‘cycle’, I took them again, and spent a few hours in the hospital car park as they’re trying to minimise people in and out the hospitals now with everything going on. Spent some time with DD though which was nice! (What has happened to the world that the supermarket and the hospital are the only places I go out now!) Won’t need to go back to hospital till the ex gets her scan through. Ex said though that even in our lockdown U18’s are allowed to go between both parents, she was like “and you are her parent”. She gave me strict terms and conditions (not that I blame her at all) “you pick her up in the car, bring her back in the car, don’t go anywhere but your place, don’t mix with anyone between now and then...”, but she said she was willing to let DD come visit me for a few hours at the weekend. (I actually think, reading between the lines, that she’s a bit concerned about DD not getting the “time out” from dealing with her condition, and helping to look after her. At least not in the way she did when she was at her best mates a lot - which obviously she can’t do now)! I completely understand that it’s an unprecedented time right, so I’m happy to basically toe the line with whatever my ex thinks is best or not for the best! I feel blessed with whatever really! DD was way up for it though! She wants to have a butchers at where I live! I think it’ll be nice, like I’m looking forward to it.. but it also makes me a little bit nervous, (good nervous, but nervous) kinda like the first time we hung out again ..I think maybe because like they’ll be nobody else with us, no activity as such, just her and me at my place - it puts me back in that slightly nervy what-if-she-doesn’t-like-me-but-also-don’t-try-to-hard head space .....Honestly!! In all my 35years I’ve never once been turned into such an over thinker by a girl! And then this 15year old walks in and reduces me to this joker! ‘Cool Ollie’ has gone right out the window 🤦🏼♂️🤣🤣 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpInLights Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 23 hours ago, Ollie180 said: .....Honestly!! In all my 35years I’ve never once been turned into such an over thinker by a girl! And then this 15year old walks in and reduces me to this joker! ‘Cool Ollie’ has gone right out the window 🤦🏼♂️🤣🤣 This is a cute thread!! I’m not looking for a dad haha, but if I was, i reckon you sound like a pretty good bet, and I reckon this girls going to think herself pretty lucy one day to have you in her life! (incidentally, I was a ‘young career’, I don’t know if you’d call her that or not, I don’t know how I’ll her mum is! I probably would have loved support more than I ever realised at the time, but I wouldn’t have taken kindly to someone trying to parent me too hard! I think most 15 year old girls just want to be respected and treated like an adult, but I think that’s even more so for teens who have been in the situation of looking after the adult in their life) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 20 hours ago, UpInLights said: This is a cute thread!! I’m not looking for a dad haha, but if I was, i reckon you sound like a pretty good bet, and I reckon this girls going to think herself pretty lucy one day to have you in her life! Haha! Thank you, I appreciate that! She’s coming to mine tomorrow, so I’ll keep that in mind tonight, while I’m stressing about how I should entertain a 15 year old when we can’t go out! 🙈 (incidentally, I was a ‘young career’, I don’t know if you’d call her that or not, I don’t know how I’ll her mum is! I probably would have loved support more than I ever realised at the time, but I wouldn’t have taken kindly to someone trying to parent me too hard! I think most 15 year old girls just want to be respected and treated like an adult, but I think that’s even more so for teens who have been in the situation of looking after the adult in their life) yeah I get that! I agree with you actually! I think I’ve been in that boat too.. and when my my passed away and I went into care - hated it! Being in a kids home with all these rules and regs - couldn’t stand it!! Even if some of my foster homes we’re great, they were sure better for me than that! it definitely changed me, I was very easy going before, and then I became..not so.. if someone pushed me a little bit, I wanted to push back! That faded in the end though, I think I’m a pretty easy going bloke now! Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Board games 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 Does she like to cook or bake? If so, have some baking supplies on hand and maybe get some HelloFresh type meals that you two can cook together. Find a Netflix series you can watch together. Games are a good idea, too, if she likes games. My daughter hates them. (My son likes them) Make sure she knows alone time is OK too if she just wants to hang out in her room and Facetime her friends. Last resort....get a kitten or a puppy ;). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 I may not have caught 'vibes' that everyone here already senses/feels/KNOWS... but I see nothing other than "Covid" in the mom's firm stance about "conditions". I mean, OBviously (mom eventually-and-SOON wants to enjoy to the extent mom can, the VERY LIKELY-to-follow feeling that DD is content and going to do just fine with her bio father)... but I think those conditions are entirely Covid-related. You could (get *permission* to) buy popsicles and throw frisbees in the park together were it not for Covid, me believes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Marc878 said: Board games Honest to god, I went rummaging in the cupboard for games earlier.....they’re all drinking games 🙈 ...probably a bit inappropriate that (her mum would definitely think so 🤣🤣) I have a ping pong table! 2 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Does she like to cook or bake? If so, have some baking supplies on hand and maybe get some HelloFresh type meals that you two can cook together. Find a Netflix series you can watch together. Games are a good idea, too, if she likes games. My daughter hates them. (My son likes them) Make sure she knows alone time is OK too if she just wants to hang out in her room and Facetime her friends. Last resort....get a kitten or a puppy ;). I don’t know... I guess that’s the thing that I actually don’t know like hardly anything! I think it makes me realise how little I do know as well! ......but then again, I guess that is why we’re doing this, so that I can start finding all these little things out that, and get to know her! And visa versa I guess! She will get to meet my dog though.. he’s more of a bear than a puppy but hopefully the effect will be the same! ...Nah actually, one thing I do know is that she’s pretty mad on animals (something we have in common) so I think she will like him 😊 I don’t know whether to be like “what do you want to do kid” or be like “I thought we could do xyz” ....stuck between trying too hard, or not trying enough...Blah, I think maybe I’ve over thinking though...I’m hoping that actually it’ll just flow really easy! Her company has always seemed quite easy so far! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 The best part of this whole picture (psychologically, I mean)... is that you each GET each other NOW-now... with zero earlier (overblown-on-either-side DETAILS about the other, which could hinder bonding with her a teen now)... translation: the part in a teen's life where they GROW APART from parents... MIGHT simply NEVER be there, because of this unique avenue toward knowing her. (it's like with online life/friendship/romance... our minds paint perfection onto that other person FIRST... and then only bother to chisel-away that perception with time) So you got to her being fifteen, while still maintaining your shell of perceived perfection. (it isn't a reason to become shellf conscious, because it's natural, and you need not worry over maintaining the ruse) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ollie180 Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 5 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: I may not have caught 'vibes' that everyone here already senses/feels/KNOWS... but I see nothing other than "Covid" in the mom's firm stance about "conditions". I mean, OBviously (mom eventually-and-SOON wants to enjoy to the extent mom can, the VERY LIKELY-to-follow feeling that DD is content and going to do just fine with her bio father)... but I think those conditions are entirely Covid-related. You could (get *permission* to) buy popsicles and throw frisbees in the park together were it not for Covid, me believes. Oh yeah! No I totally agree!! she let me pick DD up from school (her and her best mate as it turns out) and take her wherever back the first time, so she didn’t pitch this like a lack of trust thing.. ..I actually didn’t know when I’d next be able to see DD with hospital trips having been stopped for the moment, so I genuinely think she was being really nice by being like nah you can see her and this is what we’ll do.. ..although from her point of view she’s looking at it from DD’s benefit.. I think she wants her to get away from the intensity of the house and her mums condition for a bit! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 26 minutes ago, Ollie180 said: I don’t know... I guess that’s the thing that I actually don’t know like hardly anything! I think it makes me realise how little I do know as well! ......but then again, I guess that is why we’re doing this, so that I can start finding all these little things out that, and get to know her! And visa versa I guess! She will get to meet my dog though.. he’s more of a bear than a puppy but hopefully the effect will be the same! ...Nah actually, one thing I do know is that she’s pretty mad on animals (something we have in common) so I think she will like him 😊 I don’t know whether to be like “what do you want to do kid” or be like “I thought we could do xyz” ....stuck between trying too hard, or not trying enough...Blah, I think maybe I’ve over thinking though...I’m hoping that actually it’ll just flow really easy! Her company has always seemed quite easy so far! THANK GOD that most of the ideal effect will be the result of just TALKING... and BEING who you each ALREADY ARE. I don't think she was envisioning going back to (online/internet school) and teaching everyone there the nuances of Pinochle or something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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