UPDATE: New dad with grieving teenager - 2 months on

[Ollie180]

It was basically a day of ex's for me today! 🙈😂

 

My ex who I split with in the autumn phoned me because a mutual friend had told a bit of what was going on with me at the moment ...that was good though actually, she is the person I've most wanted to tell all of this too ever since I first found out, so I actually ended up talking to her for ages, which is great, I feel like I unloaded a lot out of my head - and she gave me some good advice of what to say (or lets be honest, what not to say) when I rang DD's mum this afternoon!

 

So then I called DD's mum, because there are a few things that I feel like we do need to properly  discuss now.

I said about DD not being keen on staying in the house - which, went down not particularly well. She threw a lot of "this is where you have to learn a parent Ollie", "you can't just be a yes man if its not whats best for her, you need to be a grown up" type stuff at me. Thing is I'm not an actual idiot.. I understand that! I get you tell your 5 year old that they CAN'T fly when they want to jump off the roof, and you tell your 10 year old NO when they want to eat chocolate for breakfast. But that is not this situation, DD is 15. 15 and saying that she feels like living in that house would be too raw when she loses her mother! I don't think there's anything about that that is 'head in the clouds'. I think she deserves to have a voice in all of this, that's all i'm saying!

So we talked about it for a bit, and then I suggested that maybe she keeps the house, the asset whatever. Inheritance stays exactly the way she want's it. But DD just moves in with me.

She was like "on the boat!!?"

I said "why not? But whatever if that doesn't work for her, then we'll look at other places"

Her: "and live on what money!? Kids aren't cheap Ollie"

I feel like me and her just have such different viewpoints on money. We've chosen very different lives, but honestly I feel like she just forgets that I've never been handed ANYTHING for free, I've near enough been by myself since I was like 14 and I have ALWAYS found a way! Always looked after myself! I think its because shes, pretty wealthy these days, that she seems to think my modest income = me being destitute, which it most certainly doesn't! 🙄 I'm not worried about the finances.

So I kinda told her that and she did seem to get where I was coming from and has left it that shes gonna go and talk to DD and have a proper chat about it, which is good, that's all I was saying really! 😊

 

Then we had a good chat about custody and stuff, and she's got us a 'virtual' appointment with a family lawyer which is great, I'm all up for that!! She also want's to do a 'virtual-lockdown-version of an introduction of me to DD's BFF's parents (because obviously theyre a big part of DD's life) and of DD's 'aunt' and 'uncle' in Auz (I feel like thats awkward, but fine) - I agreed to all of that, I think its great so we'll do that! 👍🏼😊

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

First of all, Hershey's now has a breakfast cereal called "Hershey's Kisses"... 

 

On some days you've gotta choose between cookies... and chocolate in your cereal bowl.

 

(so maybe a whole lot of stuff we always believed that we knew, is outdated)

 

Next, I think it was good to get all of this on the table... and I still think that the daughter's impulse/instinct/whim is more important than her mom wants to sense.

(obvously, though, SOMEthing has to determine the actual, eventual course)

 

I like the virtual lawyer part... but I am tentative about the virtual intro to the best friend's parents via the internet.

(my ONLY reason being that ...    when you are allowed to include full vibes  along with your words/intro...   I strongly sense that YOU will do fine... and likely better  if able to be in front of the friend's parents IN person.)

 

Particularly as you are NOT in any way the bad guy  here...  so you could gain from (a natural vibe of  {amazing potential} which should come from the BFF's parents).   THAT vibe will surely be less for the awkwardness of webcam intro...

 

BUT maybe you can finesse another opportunity to just meet in person with the parents of BFF (and the girls).

You're in this fortunate position where...  everyone (perhaps aside from mom's memories of teenage self) senses you initially to seem/be perfect...   (as IF right out of a fairy tale,  to save the day somewhat)...  and only later does anyone slowly notice that you leave your stinky socks on the floor...

 

and that you... drink out of the milk carton...

 

and that you...    (other minor-ish, nit-picky things)

 

... and it just seems that the momentum already placed upon you BY this seeming (miracle of genetic fate)  will do you well when making early impressions on everyone.

(cuz public sentiment WANTS your story to have the happiest ending that is realistically possible)

 

BUT, at the end of the day, you can perhaps do nearly as well via the webcam intro to BFF's parents.

 

You have my permission  to keep advocating on behalf of the daughter (at least now) feeling as though she doesn't want to live in the house if mom is gone.

BUT, at the same time, you might alternately bring up what your daughter would like or envision with her school path...  will she sensibly want that to remain fluid and steady IF indeed mom passes with a year left in high school?   And point out that it might be challenging to stay in the same school but not in the same house.  (I don't know how large of a world you live in, so it is possible everyone nearby goes to the same high school?)

 

I love the family lawyer part... because that is all  'factual' / 'procedural' stuff... and the lawyer is more used to what you'll be asking... and he knows the answers before you will even think up the questions.  Not much sentiment is involved...   although even that lawyer may be touched by the fortuitous element of your being the natural father.

 

This whole picture is unique in that it doesn't HAVE a 'bad guy'...    (that's even unique to Loveshack)

 

 

 

[preraph]

DD may think Mom is going to die in the house and that might be the only real reason, so she may change her mind when Mom dies in the hospice or hospital instead.    Might just be she watched too many ghost shows or something.  You just never know with a 15-year-old.  

Edited April 14, 2020 by preraph

[Ellener]

On 4/12/2020 at 3:35 PM, Ollie180 said:

she wants it to be as stable as possible for DD. 

she's a pretty cool mum isn't she. 

[Ollie180]

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

First of all, Hershey's now has a breakfast cereal called "Hershey's Kisses"... 

On some days you've gotta choose between cookies... and chocolate in your cereal bowl.

(so maybe a whole lot of stuff we always believed that we knew, is outdated)

Haha so true! Love that 😂

Edited April 15, 2020 by Ollie180
Ugh these quotes are trippin for me today

[Ollie180]

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

like the virtual lawyer part... but I am tentative about the virtual intro to the best friend's parents via the internet.

(my ONLY reason being that ...    when you are allowed to include full vibes  along with your words/intro...   I strongly sense that YOU will do fine... and likely better  if able to be in front of the friend's parents IN person.)

 

Particularly as you are NOT in any way the bad guy  here...  so you could gain from (a natural vibe of  {amazing potential} which should come from the BFF's parents).   THAT vibe will surely be less for the awkwardness of webcam intro...

BUT maybe you can finesse another opportunity to just meet in person with the parents of BFF (and the girls).

 

I agree! Like, I think being a people person is probably my biggest asset, but that’s way different via webcam! ...However, who knows when lockdown will be lifted and I know that the reason my ex has put her foot on the accelerator is because she’s worried about COVID (she’s so high risk obviously) - which is horrible, I can’t imagine how worried she must be, so if this makes her feel better then, I’ll do it.

I have at least met their daughter so hopefully she’ll put in a good word for me 🤞🏼

The one to Oz I feel like will be purely awkward.. this is my ex’s late husbands family! So I’m basically saying ’hey, turns out your bro wasn’t DD’s dad but I am’ (obviously, I won’t be saying that!! But it still feels a bit weird) however.. they are DD’s family so, I get why ex wants me to know them

 

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

You have my permission  to keep advocating on behalf of the daughter (at least now) feeling as though she doesn't want to live in the house if mom is gone.

BUT, at the same time, you might alternately bring up what your daughter would like or envision with her school path...  will she sensibly want that to remain fluid and steady IF indeed mom passes with a year left in high school?   And point out that it might be challenging to stay in the same school but not in the same house.  (I don't know how large of a world you live in, so it is possible everyone nearby goes to the same high school?)

Yeah I mean.. I totally understand her wanting to make a plan.. but it has to be a plan that works! I’m not going to force DD!

Yeah, I mean she doesn’t love school, but she does love her friends, she Definitely doesn’t want to move school (part of the reason she was certain she didn’t want to move to Oz). Depends really.. she could feasibly commute from mine to her current school... train lines are good so it’s not undoable ...but I’m also not fixed to where I live - I like where I am, but the kid comes first!
 

[Ollie180]

6 hours ago, Ellener said:

she's a pretty cool mum isn't she. 

Amazing!

i mean I think most mums are superstars, but yeah she’s brilliant and I couldn’t of asked for anyone better to raise my kid! DD’s a credit to her!

12 hours ago, preraph said:

DD may think Mom is going to die in the house and that might be the only real reason, so she may change her mind when Mom dies in the hospice or hospital instead.    Might just be she watched too many ghost shows or something.  You just never know with a 15-year-old.  

She could change her mind (that’s part of why I kinda think we need to leave her with options)!

like I said, she’s asking for the total opposite of what I wanted when I was in her situation!! I would have quite happily stayed living by myself in my home, but I was forced into care (which was not good) and then into various foster homes (some were better than others, they were better than the kids home though). All I wanted was to stay home, not have my whole life change!

...But people are different!! And I do really think she’s old enough to know her own mind!

[nospam99]

So mum wants to 'have a chat' with DD about staying in the house if/when she dies ... Ollie, you know these people and us LS folks don't. But as a parent, I know parents and I used to know lots of 15 year olds. There is a high risk of coercion there, where mum makes a strong argument along the lines of 'you WILL stay in the house, or else' and DD plays the 'yes, mother' card just to end the discussion that she really doesn't want to have for several reasons. I'm not predicting that so much as an Occam's Razor expectation.

Tangentially, I suggest you ask mum if it's okay to discuss inheritance and trust funds when you speak to the virtual lawyer. UK is likely different of course. But in the US I doubt a 'legal minor' is allowed to handle an inherited estate. If it was me, the last entity I'd want handling the estate 'for DD's benefit' would be the probate court. If mum doesn't want you as admin or trustee, the lawyer or some other trusted friend is IMO a better idea than the court.

[preraph]

4 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Amazing!

i mean I think most mums are superstars, but yeah she’s brilliant and I couldn’t of asked for anyone better to raise my kid! DD’s a credit to her!

She could change her mind (that’s part of why I kinda think we need to leave her with options)!

like I said, she’s asking for the total opposite of what I wanted when I was in her situation!! I would have quite happily stayed living by myself in my home, but I was forced into care (which was not good) and then into various foster homes (some were better than others, they were better than the kids home though). All I wanted was to stay home, not have my whole life change!

...But people are different!! And I do really think she’s old enough to know her own mind!

She's making strictly emotional decisions at that age.  Please remember this and take it seriously.  The part of the brain that can predict consequences is the last to develop and isn't fully developed until mid-20s or later.  So you are the adult here and have to be the one to make the logical decision.  She has no ability to do so.  She can't foresee consequences at all at 15.  I think this is what her mom is worried about, that you will just let her immature child who is not an adult and does not have an adult brain make decisions instead of you standing firm.  And I can understand her fear.  You have got to stop wanting to be her friend and be her parent and the sooner you let her know that YOU are the adult and the parent and that YOU will make the decisions, the less stress and pressure will be on that little girl.  She doesn't need to be making independent choices yet because she does not have the skills for it.  

[Ollie180]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

She's making strictly emotional decisions at that age.  Please remember this and take it seriously.  The part of the brain that can predict consequences is the last to develop and isn't fully developed until mid-20s or later.  So you are the adult here and have to be the one to make the logical decision.  She has no ability to do so.  She can't foresee consequences at all at 15.  I think this is what her mom is worried about, that you will just let her immature child who is not an adult and does not have an adult brain make decisions instead of you standing firm.  And I can understand her fear.  You have got to stop wanting to be her friend and be her parent and the sooner you let her know that YOU are the adult and the parent and that YOU will make the decisions, the less stress and pressure will be on that little girl.  She doesn't need to be making independent choices yet because she does not have the skills for it.  

I do get what you’re saying. And yeah I think she does think that I’m too laid back.. but she’s thought that, always, really!

But... on this, like, I just don’t think it’s a massive drama! It genuinely doesn’t bother me one way or the other, I’ll do whatever I need to do, and it’s not like DD’s choice even needs to be permanent (she’s not saying sell the house, just that she doesn’t want to live in it). I guess I just can’t understand the reason for putting pressure on her one way or the other 🤷🏼‍♂️

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

 

The one to Oz I feel like will be purely awkward.. this is my ex’s late husbands family! So I’m basically saying ’hey, turns out your bro wasn’t DD’s dad but I am’ (obviously, I won’t be saying that!! But it still feels a bit weird) however.. they are DD’s family so, I get why ex wants me to know them

 

The U.S. has typical kid/custody rules that are trending more toward being more "fair" to all.

But included IN that are a lot of fair "rights" when a non-biological parent signs-on to 'adopt' a kid.

Later on, when bio-mom divorces adopting father, then of course she often becomes unglued that some non-bio dad has rights for "visitation" or whatever.

 

This is NOT directly relating to your scenario...  BUT it wouldn't hurt to pause to recognize that there was some sort of a 'bond' there, and that it IS realistic.

Not only that, but people from far away in Oz, just may feel better in life if they are strongly confident that this one-time presence in their periphery is gonna be OK...

 

The genetic stuff really isn't a black-and-white factor in that direction...

 

If you just wandered along on a white horse, into this life...  withOUT having been the genetic father... of course you wouldn't have this magical 'aura'  which begets expectation and hope and faith...   and those are all GREAT things for you, for the daughter, and for her mom.

 

BUT they don't mean AS much to people who have previously BONDED with that young lady...     as the "bond" is as real as it ever is.

 

 

[Ollie180]

5 hours ago, nospam99 said:

So mum wants to 'have a chat' with DD about staying in the house if/when she dies ... Ollie, you know these people and us LS folks don't. But as a parent, I know parents and I used to know lots of 15 year olds. There is a high risk of coercion there, where mum makes a strong argument along the lines of 'you WILL stay in the house, or else' and DD plays the 'yes, mother' card just to end the discussion that she really doesn't want to have for several reasons. I'm not predicting that so much as an Occam's Razor expectation.

Yeah.. I mean I think she has approached DD basically like ‘here’s why you should stay in the house A-Z’. But she did say when we were talking to the lawyer that DD still isn’t keen on the idea (basically doesn’t want to but doesn’t want to argue with her mum at the moment either).

 

Ex thinks it’s more stable for DD to stay where she is. She also thinks if I’d be willing to move in with DD there, I’d have no rent to pay, and would be able to use that money to look after DD (hence she ensures were financially stable, whilst keeping inheritance intact for DD) - I get it! But I don’t need her money, hell I haven’t paid child support for 15 years so I think I owe her!!! If DD would rather live with me, even in the short term - we’d be fine! 

So I think... we left it with lawyer as we’re putting that issue to one side for the moment...

...basically...

We need to start application to get my details put on DD birth certificate - we have the dna test so we can do, however that could take a month or so, so ex wants to write me into the will as a guardian right now (I know this is because she’s worried about the current world situation).

 

She also wants to make sure DD inheritance in stages.. so the house/life insurance becomes hers at 18, but the rest of the estate is locked in trust till she’s 25......I think that’s all pretty sensible Tbf!

If mum doesn't want you as admin or trustee, the lawyer or some other trusted friend is

IMO a better idea than the court .

She’ll have a proper solicitor as executive! 

[preraph]

4 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

I do get what you’re saying. And yeah I think she does think that I’m too laid back.. but she’s thought that, always, really!

But... on this, like, I just don’t think it’s a massive drama! It genuinely doesn’t bother me one way or the other, I’ll do whatever I need to do, and it’s not like DD’s choice even needs to be permanent (she’s not saying sell the house, just that she doesn’t want to live in it). I guess I just can’t understand the reason for putting pressure on her one way or the other 🤷🏼‍♂️

You don't.  You just tell her, That's not a decision for you.

[Ollie180]

24 minutes ago, preraph said:

You don't.  You just tell her, That's not a decision for you.

Tell DD?
Gotta be honest - I just don’t really get that 🤷🏼‍♂️ it actually does effect me because it’s me that moves or doesn’t move.. and I don’t see the reason for her needing particularly to live in the house, so if she doesn’t want to then I just don’t get the importance of it! I feel like everything considered - it just seems like a kinda minor detail to me 🤷🏼‍♂️

[nospam99]

Locking an estate in trust for a minor child until a post-majority age, like 25, (or several ages where specific parts of the estate accrue at specific ages) is business as usual here. Is the 'proper solicitor' also the trustee? Again, business as usual, but a 'T to cross' that it will help DD to be aware off - simply who to ask when she has questions.

Personally, I disagree with mum and preraph. This teenager is anticipating the death of the parent she's known all her life. The family home will be filled objects that elicit emotionally-charged memories. Not wanting to constantly be reminded of those memories is not a sign of an immature brain. Rather knowing and OWNING one's emotions that well is a level of maturity than many chronologically mature adults that I know have never reached.

[Ollie180]

37 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

This is NOT directly relating to your scenario...  BUT it wouldn't hurt to pause to recognize that there was some sort of a 'bond' there, and that it IS realistic.

Not only that, but people from far away in Oz, just may feel better in life if they are strongly confident that this one-time presence in their periphery is gonna be OK... [\QUOTE]

Oh for sure! She calls them aunt and uncle.. and although she doesn’t physically see them very much at all, and doesn’t have tons of contact, they have been ‘figures’ in her life. They are family!

You know, I’m not even someone that’s hung up on blood - I think family is all about love! I 100% believe the more ‘family’ someone has around them the luckier they are!!

part of the reason I always wanted to have a big family was that I didn’t have that as a kid! So I’d never ever be someone they would want to cut anyone out of her life, the more family she considers herself to have the better I think!

Planning to do this video thing with them tomorrow (and with her bff’s parents)! So...I’ll put a good shirt on tomorrow and make sure I try and brush my hair! 🙈

[Ollie180]

4 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

Locking an estate in trust for a minor child until a post-majority age, like 25, (or several ages where specific parts of the estate accrue at specific ages) is business as usual here. Is the 'proper solicitor' also the trustee? Again, business as usual, but a 'T to cross' that it will help DD to be aware off - simply who to ask when she has questions.[/QUOTE]

I think it makes tons of sense! I actually think the kind of money that she would inherit would be nothing but a burden if it was given to her too soon!

She has a company as ‘trustee’, she thinks it’s more secure considering it could run for 10years.

This teenager is anticipating the death of the parent she's known all her life. The family home will be filled objects that elicit emotionally-charged memories. Not wanting to constantly be reminded of those memories is not a sign of an immature brain. Rather knowing and OWNING one's emotions that well is a level of maturity than many chronologically mature adults that I know have never reached.

Yeah I can understand why she feels that way! Like I say it wouldn’t have been my choice when I was in her shoes, but I can understand why it is hers. I do get how weird it would be to stay in the house, with me moving in?, and what like redecorating the bedroom...like it is a bit weird - I’d do it, because I know what it’s like to feel teared out of your home - but I’m completely get why she reckons a fresh start would be better for her

[Emilie Jolie]

I've been reading how this thread develops and have to tip my hat off to you Ollie for handling this situation in such a considerate, mature, thoughtful way. I've nothing of value to offer by way of advice; just sending a ton of good vibes your way.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, nospam99 said:

Personally, I disagree with mum and preraph. This teenager is anticipating the death of the parent she's known all her life. The family home will be filled objects that elicit emotionally-charged memories. Not wanting to constantly be reminded of those memories is not a sign of an immature brain. Rather knowing and OWNING one's emotions that well is a level of maturity than many chronologically mature adults that I know have never reached.

I...  (also believe the daughter, at 15, has enough of a fair sense of herself, that she {is the best one to anticipate/guess(potentially)  how she's likely to feel if mom passes} ).

And on the grand scale of  (human paths to age 15)  this young lady has been considerably tested  by one  (thing nobody should have to face so early) after another, and we are preparing for and anticipating  still another.

In addition, while we here at LS are tickled pink at Ollie's good fortune... and his (universally-recognized *good guy* roll  inherited because of all of this)...

the true effect OF Ollie's intro into the equation is a larger puzzle piece to the daughter.

NOT that (my sense OF OLLIE AND of his role isn't that of a saint).  Just... well,  if one were taking a "stress test"... and they asked (the 15yo about changes  in her life)...

Ollie, as dear as he (MUST be)... still counts as a significant change  (er, he will at some reasonably-soon point).

 

If we could go and write a fictional story in a book and have a bio father return to the life of a young woman to help put the finishing touches on raising her partly on behalf of her mother in poor health... and have Ollie's daughter read the book...  then sure, she too would be wholly behind our Ollie (STILL) seeming to be riding in on a white horse to save the day, give the mother peace, and be clearly capable and eager to live this life.  Ollie's role IS the one all of us readers  want to know will be successful  (but that "success" is MEASURED by the later successes of the daughter).

The daughter, now, is honestly being dealt yet another BIG ONE  to digest, and understand, and adjust to.   

So in that way, she deserves some (loose rein) for the many adjustments she's been having to tackle.  (the house issue could be one of those points where a 'loose rein' is permissible)

 

Also, I know that Ollie has been on his own since age 14...  but the others involved (mom, the parents of the best friend, the late adoptive father)  MIGHT have all known (what the rest of us consider) "normal" childhoods, where they didn't face so many BIG emotional hurdles way too early... and thus some of us can't really (feeeeeeeeel)  what the daughter might be going through.

Anyway, I also side with the teen's instincts in this.  (and I know Ollie himself isn't on a 'side' per se...    he'd rather be able to see ahead and know which 'side' would be 'best' for the future, and then pick it)

 

 

Edited April 16, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Oh for sure! She calls them aunt and uncle.. and although she doesn’t physically see them very much at all, and doesn’t have tons of contact, they have been ‘figures’ in her life. They are family!

You know, I’m not even someone that’s hung up on blood - I think family is all about love! I 100% believe the more ‘family’ someone has around them the luckier they are!!

part of the reason I always wanted to have a big family was that I didn’t have that as a kid! So I’d never ever be someone they would want to cut anyone out of her life, the more family she considers herself to have the better I think!

Planning to do this video thing with them tomorrow (and with her bff’s parents)! So...I’ll put a good shirt on tomorrow and make sure I try and brush my hair! 🙈

(humor)  (er, mostly)... 

Oh my God....  get the CLUTTER out of the camera background

and make sure that SHIRT goes well with the colors behind you

(dust the camera lens too)

 

RE:   "blood"...     Yeah, the 'blood' is just what (commands the wealth of TRUST/FAITH placed in you beFORE you begin tip-toeing through all of this).

(when this becomes a made-for-TV-movie...   it is that 'blood' that will make the sentiment that viewers want to feel) (Hollywood is well aware of this)

 

(of course sincere, invested relationships are more important in practical terms)

[Ollie180]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

And on the grand scale of  (human paths to age 15)  this young lady has been considerably tested  by one  (thing nobody should have to face so early) after another, and we are preparing for and anticipating  still another.[/QUOTE]

Yeah! I think that’s something that really hits home for my ex - she prioritised stability above everything when it came to DD ......and yet really that’s something that none of us can ever control!

As for me coming into her life... Im 100% aware of the fact that like my arrival in her life means, for her, that the man she’s though her whole life was her dad, wasn’t. That that was a lie she was told... That alone would usually be huge drama for a 15 year old but it’s been pushed to a back burner because of everything else!!

Thanks mate!! ..I just think on the house thing, whether it’s wrong or right, she’s not really asking for much - all things considered! When so much of her life is out of her control right now - why not give her that little bit!

Edited April 16, 2020 by Ollie180

[Ollie180]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

(when this becomes a made-for-TV-movie...   it is that 'blood' that will make the sentiment that viewers want to feel) (Hollywood is well aware of this)

🤣 made me chuckle!!

...I think I’ll have Ryan gosling portray me in the adaptation 💁🏼‍♂️🤣🤣 

[Ollie180]

I did my video chats 🤵🏼
 

Her family in Oz.. they were....tougher.. than I maybe imagined. Not her 'uncle' really, he was just quiet. But her 'aunt' was like some ol' school, strict headmistress!  I stopped talking half way through a sentence at one point because I thought their screen had frozen but actually she was just sitting really still - what a muppet! 

(Honestly... I thought they didn’t really like me but I don’t really know why, however - Ex thought it went okay! said that they were like that with her for years. Only really softened up when [ex's late husband] died. She thinks it’s just how they are).

I don't feel like I'll be merrily dialing them up for a chat every week - but at least they do know who I am.

 

Then we did one with DD's BFF's parents ....They are just the nicest people! I really liked them! Very warm! I reckon they were about 50, she called me 'love' the whole time and he called me 'son'. They spoke so so highly of DD as well, which was lovely, said that the house is so quiet at the moment not having her over and they miss seeing her! ...Funnily, the chap said he can't believe how like DD I am, that he finds it quite fascinating that talking to me he feels like he could be talking to her.

(He said its mannerisms, like that like I tilt my head really far over to the side when I'm listening (that is true, it is something i tend to do in conversation) and that she does that too. Which is weird to think really.. you’d assume things like that are ‘copied’ from parents, not inherited!)

They invited me to go over, with her, for dinner once we don’t have to ‘socially distance’ anymore - which I’ll definitely do! I think they’re super nice people, and they’ve obviously played a big role in her life!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

 

 

Then we did one with DD's BFF's parents ....They are just the nicest people! I really liked them! Very warm! I reckon they were about 50, she called me 'love' the whole time and he called me 'son'. They spoke so so highly of DD as well, which was lovely, said that the house is so quiet at the moment not having her over and they miss seeing her! ...Funnily, the chap said he can't believe how like DD I am, that he finds it quite fascinating that talking to me he feels like he could be talking to her.

(He said its mannerisms, like that like I tilt my head really far over to the side when I'm listening (that is true, it is something i tend to do in conversation) and that she does that too. Which is weird to think really.. you’d assume things like that are ‘copied’ from parents, not inherited!)

 

I can tell they like  the book.

[Ollie180]

Spent the day with DD yesterday. We just did this and that really (She gave me an isolation hair cut - because clearly I’m a risk taker like that 😂)

 

At one point she took a phone call from a school mate about something to do with their remote teaching, and she explained to her that she didn’t have what they were asking about because she was “at my dads at the moment” but that she’d send them a picture of whatever later.

...I played cool as a cucumber 🥒 but I actually found it a pretty big deal to heat her say that (even if it was second hand).. because she, naturally, always calls me by my name and when she says ‘my dad’ it’s always been in reference to her mums late husband.

 

 

Late into the afternoon she was asking me about my video chat with BFF’s parents and was saying that she misses seeing BFF in real life. She did quite an abrupt subject switch to some of her mates Being better than others, ie some not knowing what to say to her. and then went “even school, like before they would have been like ‘[DD] talks too much, [DD] doesn’t listen, we hate [DD]’...” (I’m certain sure she’s joking and they DIDNT say that) “...whereas now, I spoke my form tutor in the week and she was like ‘we’re going to give you a free resub on this, ‘do you want an extension on that, how can we support you further’, like it’s nice, I’m not trying to sound ungrateful but if the works cr@p then just tell me it’s cr@p - I’m still the same person!”

Then she went on to talking about home, and that her mum brings up like points for the future or future arrangements basically everyday (which I understand because her mums a massive planner, and planning with DD will be her way of coping - especially because they only have each other in the house), but that “sometimes it’s just a lot.. and then everyone else - I know people are just trying to help, but I don’t know, it’d be nice if I could just have like a day of just normal! ...I am very very sad about my mum, but I don’t need the whole rest of the world to walk on eggshells!”

 

I thought it was a tricky one, I wasn’t quite sure what to say, because she was saying she doesn’t want everything to always be about that......but she was the one that brought that subject up to me (late afternoon), even though we hadn’t really talked about it all day (bar me asking after her mum when I picked her up in the morning)...

I didn’t know if she wanted me to open that dialogue more or not 🤔 I said like, I’m not saying that she’s wrong to feel the way she does, I’m just saying that people are people and they’re always gonna pity you, look down on you, up to you, or romanticise you, none of it’s ever the real story but it’ll be a bloody hard life if you spend it trying to battle other people’s narratives 🤷🏼‍♂️

She was like “so suck it up”

I told her “nah, not at all.. if people aren’t treating you right tell them, but just, you don’t have to prove anything to ‘the world’ In order to prove it to yourself......I spent way too much energy in my teens doing that”

She asked what I had wanted to prove to world and I said ‘that I didn’t care what they thought’

She laughed and went “well now your all grown up and you really don’t”

Pfft I said that’s not true, not a chance!! Not worrying too much about people that don’t really matter get easier, but like I cared so much what she thought of me that it was actually ridiculous 🤦🏼‍♂️😂

She seemed to quite like that and told me that she thinks I’m ‘sorta alright ....ish’

 

I don’t really know if I steered that in the right direction or not.. but she seemed her usual, chipper, self after

 

(I do think the lockdown is making this all even harder on her! I think she’s the kind of kid that would benefit from being able to go to school with her friends for a few hours every day and have that kind of distraction!)