Recurring dreams about toxic exgf from years ago.

[thebaldprince]

 

TL: DR: logic-minded male seeks solution to recurring dreams about toxic exgf.

Friends,

First, thanks to everyone here for the love and support. I've been lurking for years absorbing the helpful advice, and the sometimes tough love that is offered.

Several years ago, after a tumultuous 2 years, I finally cut off my game-playing ex for good (her 37/f - Me 39/M). There had been months of hot/cold behavior, me acting lovesick, and generally toxic times.

In the last three years, I've kept strict no-contact, including not checking her social media. I've moved, switched jobs, and immensely improved my life. I've wondered about her from time to time, but kept strict no contact. I've read and studied relationships, and spent time with some amazing women.

Although there has been zero contact between us, in the last year I have been having the most vivid dreams about her with semi-regularity. The dreams are all different in story and details, but will feature the aforementioned exgf prominently. Sometimes the dreams bother me emotionally for a short period of time, but I always bounce back. Oddly, the dreams did not commence until post 2 years no contact.

The irritating part is that I cannot seem to shake them. I've done tons of research, even into the esoteric and spiritual (twin flames and the like - not sold on those topics). What I do think is albeit painful, she was placed in my path to teach me life lessons and help me down the path.

Does anyone have any tips / strategies for helping alleviate these dreams?

Appreciate the insight.

 

[preraph]

Yes.  You have dreams because your subconscious is processing something.  A trick for curtailing at least some of the dreams is to devote a deliberate maybe two minutes before you close your eyes to sleep and just review that situation in an orderly fashion.  Just summarize it to yourself and then always ask yourself, Is there anything needs to be done about it or can be done about it that would be beneficial?  No.  Then tell yourself not to worry about something you can't do anything about and relax for bed.  What you are doing it allocating conscious time to the subject in the hopes that you then won't need to have your subconscious dealing with it.  But this is all the time the subject gets.  Don't let yourself keep dwelling on it, and once the dreams have abated, stop doing the exercise.  

[kendahke]

I had vivid dream the other night about my ex and it confirmed for me why he's my ex. We've been broken up for over 10 years now and I've been to the other end of the universe and back since then, so no reason for him to even be in a dream. One thing that recently occurred to me is that I've started talking to a new guy and I'm energetically making room for him in my intimacy and this dream was me dealing with "the last box in the back of the closet I needed to clear out".

You're probably clearing out the darkest corners of your mind to make room/prepare room for intimacy with someone new and this had to be dealt with.

[thebaldprince]

Thanks for the replies. When we first broke up, there were some amazingly vivid fever dreams, then they dropped off for a long while. I've dated a fair amount, and I haven't dreamt of any other ex. I seriously wondered if I'd broke something inside.

There is literally nothing more I can do from my end that would be beneficial. One thing chasing and being needy does do is allow you to be confident you've exhausted all possible options. Thats an easy conversation to have before bed. lol

Regarding intimacy, I can see that point. Although she and I were polar opposites, there was a high physical chemistry that I haven't found since. I have seen that conversation about her will trigger a dream that night.

I am a no-contact devotee after painful months of breadcrumbs. It took me a minute to heal up, but the advice is sound.

Honestly, its hard to know what to think sometimes. Here are the best excerpts from the research:

1. Your mind is processing the last bit of painful emotions you went through. Nothing to worry about;

2. When you dream of her, she is dreaming of you, you all are meant to be together, in this life or the next. (not so sold on that one).

3. The dreams represent something that is missing from my current relationships, and I should analyze and determine what that is.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I have no plans to contact her or something similarly silly.

 

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, thebaldprince said:

3. The dreams represent something that is missing from my current relationships,

well, watching, in my dream, my ex go down on another woman in front of me and a group of people at a house party is one thing that is not missing from any aspect of my life.