Am I a toxic and selfish person?

[UmOkay]

This is going to be relatively long, but in order to understand my situation, it will be important to know the whole story:

So I met this girl on a dating app and our intentions off the bat were to be FWB. For about 3 weeks, everything was going fine, we hung out about twice a week and got intimate all the time, and we clicked super well. At the beginning, I didn't care for her at all and treated her as an option. Each time we were not hanging out with each other, we'd be texting/snapping, and it seemed like she was always seeking validation by being super flirty, sending me cute pictures and questioning why I never complimented her. After just over a month of us constantly hanging out, I slowly started to like her. I began to drive her to and from school a lot, I started taking her out on dinner dates, complimented her every chance I had, and I bought her some bath bombs. And on the dinner date (it was especially special for me because it was Valentine's Day), I expressed my feelings towards her. I told her that I really liked her and saw a strong connection. She agreed and said we had great chemistry, and perhaps in the future we could start something.

After we had that serious talk, I started to like her more and more to the point where I started getting nosy and asked her about other guys she was hanging out with. She told me it's not important and we shouldn't talk about our other partners because we were FWB. I could never brush that off because I felt like we weren't on the same level like when we first met. We weren't strangers anymore, and we were getting more personal. She seemed to really hate the idea every time I brought up about if we're seeing other people. I was just curious and told her it's okay that she's seeing other people, but I would just like to know how many or if any at all. I personally wasn't seeing anyone else except her anymore because I just felt like I couldn't. I liked her too much for that. Another problem I think I had was that I was blindsighted by her and couldn't get enough kisses. Whenever we'd be in the car at a stop light, I would quickly lean over and make out with her WAY too much. And eventually when she didn't want to kiss so much, I questioned her and felt shocked like she didn't want me. Well, I realize I did it too much after the fact, unfortunately.

I think the part where I really messed up was after being a little "protective" about other partners, she started to see me less and less by cancelling our dates. We would setup a date, and the night before she would cancel it and say she's really busy with her studies. At first I was understanding and agreed we should reschedule. But it got worse from there. We would setup important meaningful dates to go ice skating (which I thought would be very romantic) and again she would cancel. There were 3 different times we were supposed to go ice skating, and the last time she canceled is when everything fell apart. I got really upset because Spring was just around the corner and it would be our last week we could probably go before the ice melted.

The final 3rd time she cancelled our date was literally last minute in the morning when I woke up to her text, right before we were supposed to go. Now, this is the crucial part of it all where I think my actions caused her to go cold and lead me on:

I woke up to her text saying that she thought about everything and thinks it would be beneficial for us to stop the "intimate" part of our relationship, that we'd still be friends but she thinks that's the best thing because she won't feel pressured and forced, and for me to not feel like time is being wasted. She also went on how she went into this wanting just FWB and nothing else for a while. THEN, she said she doesn't know if we should still go out today. I replied to her a few times on how it doesn't make sense that she wants to be friends but doesn't want to hangout today, and she said she wants to hang out but didn't know if I still wanted to. Of course I wanted to still hangout with her, I just wanted to enjoy her presence, and have an amazing day on the ice rink. But then after that she said it's still not a good idea because she has so much "homework" to be doing. That's when I lost it and called her a liar and how she changes her stories. She apparently couldn't believe it how I accused her like that and said that I'm toxic, selfish, manipulating, and intrusive.

She ended up getting very angry with me and told me to get out of her life and then she blocked me. I feel defeated and lost, and I wish I would've done things differently and took our friendship slower. But unfortunately that is life.

Is she right and I'm wrong? Do I exhibit selfishness and insecurity? I really want to know because I have to fix myself and become a better person so I don't keep making the same mistakes with other girls.

[preraph]

I wouldn't take her accusations that seriously.  Thing is she lost attraction for you when you began to get needy and want a relationship.  Who knows why.  Probably there is some guy she has had a crush on and pursues and keeps all the lanes open for.  

 

FWBs just don't usually work out.  Someone gets stuck on the other and then they have to break up.  You began smothering her when you fell for her and then learned she saw other guys and didn't feel the same, and that was a big turnoff.  So don't ever do that again.  You don't escalate affection when someone is holding you at arm's length, metaphorically speaking.  

 

Just not a match.  It was never supposed to be.  So don't hang around "being friends" with her because that will not work and will just waste a lot of your time you could be looking for other girls.  Don't worry about what she said.  She was just mad.  Although you did insist on her saying what other guys, etc.  And that's no one's business, much less an FWB.  So yeah, maybe intrusive.  

[Beendaredonedat]

What you did is you forgot that this was just suppose to be FWB.  When you told her you of your feelings all she said was

 perhaps in the future we could start something.

.  If she was feeling the same way you are, she would have jumped at the chance to be with you exclusively.

You didn't do anything wrong except you forgot to listen to what you were being told. 

[snowboy91]

Your attitude toward this arrangement moved quickly toward the sort of expectations one would have in a relationship (exclusivity, romantic dates, etc), while a FWB was all she wanted in the first place. You've put too much pressure on her, and she's trying to create some distance. Once you got upset and called her out in that way, that was the last straw.

I don't think this says anything about you being toxic/selfish - only that you were seeing this situation very differently to what she was. If the other person isn't putting in effort to progress into a relationship, then they're happy with where they are. Unfortunately FWBs often end up with someone (or both) catching feelings - it was you in this case. I think it's an important lesson for you in terms of what you want out of dating - you may want something where you can progress to exclusive dating at a reasonable pace.

[UmOkay]

Thank you all for the replies. It's good to know that I'm not viewed as a bad person, and I just need to approach situations like this differently next time and search elsewhere. I guess I sort of fell into my own trap, and was ignorant to the original intentions that both her and I had.

Everyone here seems to be on the same track and I appreciate the logical answers. It also made me feel a lot better talking about it and getting this off my chest.

 

Thanks again, everyone. Time to move on 🙂

[Miss Spider]

It sounds like she was just not that into you and it made you feel insecure. You are not a bad personZ. 

[carhill]

20 hours ago, UmOkay said:

I began to drive her to and from school a lot,

Welcome ....

Young, normal, you're fine.

[UniverseInMe]

Bro, from a guy to a guy, you seem like a cool dude, but man, you smothered her to death. You're the one who pushed her away, not the other way around. Of course she did what she did because you went totally beta on her. Think about it, when you guys first hooked up I bet she was all over you,, am I righ? Texting, calling, high energy, flirtatious, deep eye contact and incredible sex. So what do you think changed? YOU. You is what changed. You began to be all up her butt when what she really wanted was the old you.

Now trust me, I know what it feels to be totally into someone and they push you away and it feels absolutely lousy, believe me, I learned it the hard way not to long ago. But the #1 rule of the fight club for men when it comes to a new woman in their life: stop simping. End of story. Be a man. Even if you feel you're totally head over heels for the woman, don't overly show it. Yes, here and there is fine, but being all over her at every red light? Seriously?

Solution: Don't call or text her. Vanish from her life like a ghost. Yes, it's gonna suck and you'll have your breaking moments, but trust me, do it. I can almost guarantee she'll come back in a few months or less. Trust me. Mine did after 3 years after I finally got my ballzzz back. 

Good luck!

Edited March 22, 2020 by UniverseInMe

[UmOkay]

On 3/21/2020 at 9:25 PM, UniverseInMe said:

Bro, from a guy to a guy, you seem like a cool dude, but man, you smothered her to death. You're the one who pushed her away, not the other way around. Of course she did what she did because you went totally beta on her. Think about it, when you guys first hooked up I bet she was all over you,, am I righ? Texting, calling, high energy, flirtatious, deep eye contact and incredible sex. So what do you think changed? YOU. You is what changed. You began to be all up her butt when what she really wanted was the old you.

Now trust me, I know what it feels to be totally into someone and they push you away and it feels absolutely lousy, believe me, I learned it the hard way not to long ago. But the #1 rule of the fight club for men when it comes to a new woman in their life: stop simping. End of story. Be a man. Even if you feel you're totally head over heels for the woman, don't overly show it. Yes, here and there is fine, but being all over her at every red light? Seriously?

Solution: Don't call or text her. Vanish from her life like a ghost. Yes, it's gonna suck and you'll have your breaking moments, but trust me, do it. I can almost guarantee she'll come back in a few months or less. Trust me. Mine did after 3 years after I finally got my ballzzz back. 

Good luck!

I appreciate it, man. You're totally right. In the beginning she was all over me and I didn't think nothing of it, I actually kind of sat there without any reciprocation. And it all changed when I changed..

 

But again, you're right and I should definitely move on with my life and pretty much forget about her. And whether she comes back or not, I gotta hold back my feelings for sure and keep myself at a higher standard. I hear about the mistake men make with simping all the time.. and unfortunately I was guilty of that. But it's a learning experience, and everyone's comments on here are extremely helpful. Much love. Thanks again.

[UniverseInMe]

On 3/23/2020 at 1:19 AM, UmOkay said:

I appreciate it, man. You're totally right. In the beginning she was all over me and I didn't think nothing of it, I actually kind of sat there without any reciprocation. And it all changed when I changed..

 

But again, you're right and I should definitely move on with my life and pretty much forget about her. And whether she comes back or not, I gotta hold back my feelings for sure and keep myself at a higher standard. I hear about the mistake men make with simping all the time.. and unfortunately I was guilty of that. But it's a learning experience, and everyone's comments on here are extremely helpful. Much love. Thanks again.

You're good man, don't trip. Again, I made the very same mistakes and it's quite embarrassing and a major blow to our egos. The key is you learn from it and try your best to move on and you will. I was a worse case scenario, trust me. But I made it through. And now the very same woman I was head over heels over is now chasing me again...why? Because I finally realized what stupidity I was acting like. I was acting like a girl, being all overly sensitive and insecure. She totally picked up on it and dumped me like a bad habit back in the day. Well, I learned an invaluable lesson: never, ever kiss a girl's ass and never simp. Have them chase you by showing them you're the man.

So basically as I mentioned in my last post, just completely disappear from her life. Vanish, Poof. I will almost guarantee in a short while, maybe 3 to 6 months she'll start thinking "hmmm, I wonder what happen to him," and boom, you'll get that text or call. That's exactly what happened with me. My ex reached out to me after 3 years! And I made every mistake in the book only now I'm completely over her.

Good luck bro. You got this.