ElecLibre Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 Hello again, Some of you may remember me from my previous post about being in an affair. Since then I've been lurking around this forum and learning a lot about different relationships and attachment styles and it led me to some introspection - please bear with me, I am not perfect and I understand that I make questionable choices in terms of relationships, but what I do want from here is some suggestions on how I can change my perspective. In short, I have this terrible pattern of seeking attention and validation, but once I get it, I back away. If in return the guy loses interest then I take it hard and try to get back into their radar. This has been my pattern with previous relationships unfortunately which is why I would always "get bored" when I found something stable and secure. Recently I had an encounter with a really nice (single) man who was readily available for me and showering me with attention both virtual and physical but then I just cut him off because it was "too much" for me. I know it's ridiculous but I didn't feel the same way about him and I didn't like the idea of leading him on. He was clearly getting more attached to me so I felt a need to cut it off. I also enjoyed having an affair with a married man since I could get the attention without him wanting commitment so it was the perfect balance for me - however now that the whole covid stuff is going on he (understandably) is spending more time with his family and hasn't really checked in too much apart from the occasional "you ok?" message spread out over the week without much conversation following. Since I always push him away anyway, it makes sense that at some point he will really not look back, but of course that's bugging me now (pathetic, I know...). The sad part is that I realize it's not even about the men in question but really about the attention and this is where I need some advice/help: how can I break this cycle? I have the rational side of me that reminds myself that I don't need validation from men but on the other hand I can't help but seek it - and when I get it, I push it away. I appreciate any kind advice at this point - and can we please focus on the question at hand and not go off-topic on the morality of affairs? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 l think it's a job for the shrink. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 Good for you for recognizing the problem / issue. That is the 1st step in fixing it. However the fix is probably beyond self help. Do follow chilli's suggestion & speak to a therapist. Now that you have a handle on recognizing that you do this, you can work to change. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2020 Share Posted March 16, 2020 Yes therapy is a good idea. Most people model their relationship styles on the close relationships they had as a child. That is a good place for you to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElecLibre Posted March 17, 2020 Author Share Posted March 17, 2020 Thanks for the feedback.. not sure where I'll find a therapist in these times. Any realible online therapists you could suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts