A nagging question

[vulture]

Hi all.

I am new here and I have á questions that bothers me. I have been trying to court a lady for the last 9 months with little progress. For the last 3 months however she had blocked my number -texts and calls. During this time I have not tried to contact her in any way or form. I considered that it may be an emphatuation gone rogue and became an obsession, but I have never stalked her or called her number incessantly or on end or any of the things I may have considered doing maybe once or twice. A week ago however I had this overwhelming urge to contact her, which I of course tried to resist.  Non the less, I found myself having already send her a text from another number when I recovered from being zoned out. I basically just greeted and asked/ threatened that I would call later the day. As expected there was no reply. I then called later the day. The following is what transpired.

Me: Hi, how are you, this is vulture (vulture for the sake of this post).

Her: Hi, I am good how are you?, Vulture, why can't you leave me alone?

Me: Oh, should I have left you alone?

Her: Yes please

Me: OK

Her: All right

-I disconnect after brief silence.

Now I take her request literally and as dead serious, I will not try contact her again. I will do everything in my power to resist any urges. This will be extremely hard as I love her dearly and she is on my mind 24/7. The fact is that should I try contact her, I may just mess up any respect and the already non-existing chances I may ever have had. My nagging question is, why was she not blunt with me, why ask a question and not make a statement like" leave me alone" and then disconnect in my ear-that is what I expected anyhow. She was calm and polite in her tone and voice. Now I wonder should I have tried to answer the question and give the obvious reason as to why I cant leave her alone. I know I must not try and analyze our talk, but its just nagging as if there was something I could have said or approached differently. It is very painful that she does not share my affection and I have a hard time accepting, but I am sure I will overcome some day.

 

[Beendaredonedat]

NO you should not have answered the question.  Just leave her alone.  

[Cookiesandough]

9 months, blocking, and you’re still at it? To answer your question she probably thinks you are unstable and possibly dangerous so she is handling with gloves. Please respect her wishes and leave her alone 

Edited March 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

"Why can't you leave me alone?" Was a plead for you to go away.  It was not a question.  

[Erik30]

Delete her number and leave her alone. Find a new girl, you're just wasting your time 

[simpycurious]

She is pleading with you to STOP.  No idea why you or anyone would continually annoy/disturb someone when you DEFINITELY know they are not into you and more 

importantly have asked you to leave them alone.  Just Stop.  It is really not OK to push anyone to that point.  I assure you that there are PLENTY of other women for you

to date, etc.  

[Ellener]

Let it go now, the more you try to convince the more distant and possibly fearful she's likely to be. 

You do not love her dearly, you have become preoccupied and then obsessed with a fantasy.

You are reading practically supernatural intentions on her part 'because she was not blunt enough'?

Are you really going to let this get to the point of a restraining order or increasingly unpleasant consequences?

'Overcome'? You overcome by stopping your obsessing and moving on, look for some online support resources since it may be difficult right now re the pandemic to access a psychiatrist or psychologist.

 

 

 

 

 

[Eugeleh]

Stay the f*** away from her. She doesn't want you in her life. Accept it.

[vulture]

Seems some of us are just out to troll. No need to be rude. I have not contacted her since, but yesterday and today again I received "missed calls/drop calls" from her number. I called back today-at first no answer and the second time she answered and said she called my number by accident. I suspect that she is telling the truth and just said ok. Now I wish she never ever dials my number again even if its by accident.

The last time I had a crash was 20years ago in high school, I never told this particular girl and I suffered in silence. Now this one just caught me seriously off-guard, it came at a time I was not even looking for any romans or love or anything. I was just doing my thing and let that tomato roll like so. This lady is not even the type of woman I would normally go for, not her body structure-the architecture or her other modalities. I just realized that the old school style of staying in her face until she gives in, nowadays is regarded as harassment-now only you tell me....

Anyhow I have to stay as far away from her, my old heart can just not take this punishment. Thank you for all the replies.

[Rockdad]

I would suggest blocking and deleting her phone number so there is no more accidents on either side.

[preraph]

I think you need to see a therapist because your behavior is obsessive and stalkery.  She has told you not to contact her and her next move if you do will be to call the police.  You don't love her or you wouldn't want to continue to make her uncomfortable.  She isn't at all interested and will call the police if you show up or call or contact her again.  If you're having this much trouble accepting reality that she cares not at all for you and yet you still want to pursue her, then you need instead to make an appointment with a therapist.  

[vulture]

I am now sure some of us have not really read my original post, just to quickly make assumptions or give retrospective opinion. Since I met this woman 9 months ago, I have not stalked her, not called or text her every hour of every day, nor have I done anything to make her feel that her life is in danger or her safety at risk. I texted her perhaps a mere 20 times more or less during the entire time of 9 months and called her perhaps at four occasions. I have seen her twice. During the last 3 months that she blocked me I have not tried to go see her not called or texted As I was saying it was only in the past week that I got the urge in question and texted her and then called for her to plead with me so to say to leave her alone which I did and do.

I am very much aware of the implications of me doing things that she does not want, please I love her if you perhaps know what that means. Although I am totally flustered, I have not lost my senses, I have sisters and cousins for whose honor I have fought many times for years, so I am aware of what she would consider as unbecoming behaviour.

I don't have her number on my contacts, I know it by heart-such an easy number with repeating digits. At this time I am highly suggestible bordering obsessed, surely not that sick or demented. She made the accidental calls from her number on my number that she blocked, I can assure you that it is puzzling and not very helpful.

I was just hoping that there was a remote chance, just a small possibility, which I was yearning for, that is why I was wondering and reading too much into her question/statement/ plea as to why I can't leave her alone.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/16/2020 at 10:25 AM, vulture said:

 

Now I take her request literally and as dead serious, I will not try contact her again. 

 

OK,  nothing else matters.

 

 

 

[SumGuy]

What you should be reading into her request to leave her alone is to leave her alone.

 Move on.  

20 texts is a lot, doing it for 9 months is a lot...that you think this is normal is the problem.   
You can’t see how over the line you are (which is typical for those with obsession issues), which is the problem.  You think this is all fine, and just “courting” it’s not.  It’s way into red flag territory. 

[vulture]

I think we have cultural relevance issues here.   Where I come from the norm is to court a woman for as long as she can resist, even longer than a year, it is normal that she acts totally uninterested or hard to get. She is supposed to tell me off even very rudely and I must continue despite all this. The culture of asking her out or going on dates is a fairly "western thing", relatively new here. You buy her something of value instead, and when she finally gives in its straight to the bedroom.

I think most of the customs we have in the world focus too much on individual rights, so much so that people become too artificial. Personal space, harassment, ambiguous or unambiguous gender, therapy for everything- I did not get therapy I got a beating and I did not develop issues, I went to work. I just did not have the luxury of thinking about suicide because just walking home could mean loosing life.

I love her, I want her, I go hunting and I don't give up just because she does not show interest YET. She has to test me for many reasons, including to see how serious I am and if I not only want sex to go. But I digress, things are changing.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, vulture said:

The culture of asking her out or going on dates is a fairly "western thing", relatively new here.

Then why are you on a computer (a "western thing") and on the internet (a "western thing") asking people on a forum (a "western thing") which is mostly frequented by people in western nations?  One thing that seems to be universal is expecting others to read you mind to intuit that you live in a different culture.  That is a pretty important piece of information.  Which is fair enough, but this...

 I think most of the customs we have in the world focus too much on individual rights, so much so that people become too artificial. Personal space, harassment, ambiguous or unambiguous gender, therapy for everything

I love it.   The classic bash individual rights by bringing up things that are purely personal choice that are not foisted on any one, or what I like to call freedom.  I believe it is the opposite, freedom allows people to flourish and be genuine.  It is in authoritarian police states where people cannot be themselves and are artificial.  Yah freedom means not everyone is going to be like you, it can get messy, noisy, everyone having their own ideas, and even scary if you don't want to think for yourself.

Of course it is much better to have a society where an individual has no rights, where what you own is the states, what you read, what goods you make, even what you believe needs to conform to the state's dictates.

Hey guess what, we tried that in the west, found a way that works much better (not perfect) but if gender ambiguity, love of therapy, and giving people personal space (as long as I get my space) is the price to pay for liberty of thought, freedom of speech, freedom of worship, my home being my castle and all equal before the law....yah I'll take that any day.  

Authoritarian systems where might makes right, or one anointed caste has more rights and decides for all others?   Where you as an individual don't matter, just the group you are from matters?  You want to go back to those "good 'ole days"?

I'm all for it.  Let's start with your country. That approach has served western nations well for centuries, let us know if you are in an eastern country when colonial rule can be reestablished. I assume you are willing to accept your second class citizenship; again as individuals don't matter only the group you are from.   And being from the group that has more and better weapons and invented pretty much all the technology you are using right now...I assume you welcome the opportunity to fill the servant class, or serf class, wait why not go back the way it was done for most of history (the "natural way") the slave class.   Really a small price to pay to stop that pesky spread of "western" individual rights.

The nice thing about individual rights, if you don't like having them just give them up, there are plenty of people who are happy to take them from you.  Oh wait....

I find the people who dislike individual rights don't want any of their own taken, they just don't like that others have them, especially ones that prevent them from getting what they want from others.

[preraph]

She will never want you. Get used to it.

[Cookiesandough]

She 👏 doesn’t 👏 want 👏 you 👏 

There are plenty more women out there

[simpycurious]

Only Cookie can cut right to the chase..lol

She's right.  You need to put your efforts into someone else.  As in immediately if not sooner

[vulture]

Ok, I had just one nagging question. It was all about me trying to read too much into why she put the "question" as to why I cant leave her alone'. I got the answer with Simpycurious' reply that it was not a question, it was a plea-this makes sense. Yes this made me so sad that she had to plead with me, its the last thing I wanted. Furthermore although I love her so much, I think of her 24/7, I cry on my bed curled into fetal position, I will/ cannot contact her again, I will honor and respect her plea, and allow myself to grieve and forget even though I really don't want to.  I pray for a miracle that will instantly wipe this nightmare from my memory store. I can't go back to smoke weed to calm me and as therapy-it messes with my weight. I stopped well before I met/ saw her. I am well aware that there are other women, even more physically beautiful than this lady.

Right now, I am not really desperate to have a woman in my life. Its only because of the love situation. I have an irony however; there is this young lady who is constantly contacting me and declares her love. The irony is that I ignored her because I only focused on my love for the other lady. This girl is half my age and extremely beautiful, she confuses me and I thought she is a gold digger, I told her I am broke but she still continues. She offered me sex. of course I am impotent because of thoughts about the other- my love. I told this girl that I won't sleep with her as a matter of principle. I have no feelings for her, but the fact that she offered me sex feels like she is desperate and thinks that this will make me like her. I think I will go with her-even if it does not work out, I will get a chance to enjoy her beauty and youth. I have decided to focus on her and go with the risk of whatever she has in mind with me just to refocus my mind from the other one.

[simpycurious]

On 3/16/2020 at 3:59 PM, basil67 said:

"Why can't you leave me alone?" Was a plead for you to go away.  It was not a question.  

She was pretty NICE if you ask me.  Not sure what else she can say or do to let you know that she is NOT INTO IT.  I know from a man's standpoint when you have to tell a woman that you just want to be friends you often get peppered with questions and sometimes there are not clear cut answers.  It's hard especially if you like the woman she is.  Maybe, this lady likes you Vulture but simply not in a romantic fashion.  

[healing light]

I know it hurts to get blocked by someone that you love, so I'm sorry you're hurting and you don't understand why she's rejected you.

But she's rejected you. The why will just drive you crazy and no one here can divine it for you. There's nothing more you can do, nothing you could have said differently to have changed her mind. What's done is done. You don't have a time machine.

Focus on moving forward and healing your heart. What is your relationship history? You speak of a crush in high school--has anything developed in your life in the interim period? Obviously it sounds like some women like you, so you should rest assured you aren't unlovable.

Anything more you do in pursuit of this woman will just serve to push her further away. You have no choice, you must just find some way to accept it, as much as it hurts.

[Realitysux]

I went through an obsession with this guy and everyone thought he was such a sweet, nice guy and I was this awful and horrible person. I sympathize with you because you are stuck and you can't move on but you know you can't be with this women either. Your not a bad person and I commend you for being so honest. The issue with obsessions is they are difficult to get over so I'm going to say start by focusing on your life and make steps to improve it so you can find happiness without this person. The more you move towards happiness in your own life, the easier it will be to deal with the obsession and you are definitely not a bad person! Considering how many time some people spend on this forum, I wouldn't take the cruel comments so personal! 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Realitysux

[The Outlaw]

Just leave her alone. Don't think about her, nor call or text. Move on. It's that simple.  

[Realitysux]

42 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Just leave her alone. Don't think about her, nor call or text. Move on. It's that simple.  

How is that simple? You can't just move on and stop thinking about an obsession that easily. It takes a lot more work and time when your dealing with obsessions then normal feelings when dating. It takes a lot more encouragement and support too and not everyone who struggled with an obsession is bad or dangerous. He did say he would leave her alone but he needs to be able to let her go and stop being affected by the obsessions. He needs to take adjust his way of thinking about this women. 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Realitysux