What would you do?

[p64v]

OK, heres my story, 9 months ago I married a guy who is 44 and I am 40. He had never been married or lived with anyone before me. We use to do everything together and I thought we both enjoyed spending time together. In the past 4 months we havent done anything together but family functions. Ever since one of his best friends started dating a wild women, things have changed. We tried doing things with them as a couple (boating) and it seemed normal but when I'm not around and its the guys and her things are different. I found out while I as busy at work and they all went out boating she went with them and was sun bathing topless. of course the guys thought it was great. I told him I didn't appreciate it. and I stopped going boating if she was going. My H was more concerned about hurting his friends feelings than the way I felt about it. So I dont go anymore. Well before it happened we all purchased Buffet tickets, so we all went together. Well she was busy while we were tailgating showing everyone her boobs. Not to mention she was busy making out with a couple of girls she just met at the party. Her & her boyfriend were trying to pick up women together. Well we all ended up sitting in different areas and we all got there early. My husband gets up 20 minutes before the show and wants to find where everyone else is sitting and maybe we could all sit together (so he says). I think he was just board being with me and wanted to see the show the wild woman was putting . he returned with no one and I told him sorry I guess your stuck with me. He or course said oh no I didn't mean it that way. Well I've found out thru the grapevine that this girl has been busy with her boyfriend and a couple of his friends having threesomes and making videos. I'm not into all that or I would have stayed single. Well it has driven a wedge betwween me and my husband because I refuse to do anything with his friends now and he still does cause he doesnt have the balls to say anything. Now when every it comes to going out he goes by himself with the guys. I don't trust him anymore and have told him. He just sits there and says nothing. He continues to go out boating and go to concerts without me. In the past month he's been trying to make it up to me by buy me gifts and take me out to fancy dinners but I just don't want to go anymore. He always has an eye out for what walks into the room and doesn't have a problem flirting with a waitress in front of me. Well he''s been gone all week on his yearly fishing trip with the guys. and I have really enjoyed being by myself. I havent had to cook, clean or anything I'm doing what I want. I wanted to do some spying and you know check out his ATM receipts, credit cards bills... But I can't find anything, he keeps all his stuff either in his car or at work. His checkbook, paid bills, everything. He pays all the bills for the house, and never does it at home. We don't have a checking account together and when I brought it up he got real nervous and it never happened. I just don't know what to do. I thought i was getting married and starting a life with him and it doesn't feel any different than before the marriage. I've been wanting to move out of our tiny (750 sq ft house) and have had no luck getting him to look at homes or anything. I still have my furniture in my parents basement and would one day like to move in. I don't know if I have married a confirmed bachelor and things are never going to change. I don't want to waste my time if its not going to work. He seems to like things the way they are and I don't. I've told him how I feel and things don't change. Tried talking, screaming, nagging. All my girlfriends tell me to moved out and that will get his attention, ( so I've been saving$$) but if I move out I think I'll give up on the marriage and start a new life. I don't know what to do cause he just doesnt hear me. what do you people think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your marriage has no chance of surviving as long as he continues his friendship with these swingers. You are definitely going to want to get an STD screening. The chances of him not participating with willing swingers is pretty low. He will continue to do what he thinks he can get away with. What you have to do is show him that he isn't going to get away with any of it. You don't need to dig any further for 'evidence' - its pretty much a given what is going on if he insists on staying friends with such obvious swingers.

 

You'll also want to let him know that you are setting him a firm choice: he either ditches the swingers and goes to marriage counseling to work with you to determine what is salvageable - or, you will serve him with a divorce so that he can live out his "lifestyle".

[JadeStar]

WOW! When you said he was going boating with just her and her b/f and she was topless, the first thing I thought of was a threesome! Then when I got to the part where you said SHE was making out with girls, I figured this is what they were wanting you all (or at least your husband to do). Hard to say if your husband has participated in this threesome with them, but sounds like it might be where its headed.

 

Sounds like he has gotten really caught up in their lifestyle and he is totally disrespecting your feelings on the matter. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him about how this makes you feel. If he still refuses, I would say an ultimatium might be in order. I don't care for ultimatiums in the fact that if people give them, rarely do they follow through with what they say they are gonna do. So if you were to go that route, then you need to stick to what you say you're gonna do, or your husband will think you're just blowing in the wind and never take you seriously. Tell him hes got a choice, his marriage, or his friends. If he chooses you, I would suggest marriage counseling to see if you two can get back on track with your marriage, and learn to rebuild trust and respect.

 

 

 

Jade

[RecordProducer]

You are not used to single life and have a problem with making adjustments. If you love him and think he is worth it, you may try marriage counseling - not because they will do something magical for you, but because you will hopefully come up with an agreement that will be mostly in your favor and you'll see if he is willing to follow it. All marriages need work, but strong mutual feelings are necessary in order that the attempts yield results.

 

Ideally, he should not go to these places where this woman acts obscene. Flirting with the waitress might be real or only in your head. He has been single for 44 years and needs to learn the new rules. He is used to going out with the guys and checking all women. Now you suddenly demand from him to change (in an ideal world he would do it without you reminding him) by nagging, yelling, and all kinds of ways that won't succeed.

 

You may choose to work on your marriage, accept him the way he is or leave him. It sounds to me like it wouldn't be so hard for you to pack your bags and hit the road.

[p64v]

ok just to clear things up a little. When they were all on the boat it was 3 guys not just the couple and my husband. Not that it made it any better. and the other guy on the trip said the wild woman and her BF snuck in the cabin leaving the door open and they snuck in for a quickie, I guess they left the door open so the guys could watch.

We went out to dinner with the wild couple and his older brother who was in town. They brought another girl whom was one of her friends, They were trying to talk the brother into taking the other girl home for the night, he had enough and finally told them look I'm happily married I don't want to take her home. Well after we left the wild couple said they were going to the bathroom and they snuck out the back door and left the brother with this girl who had no way home, so the brother drove her home. He said he had to tell her to back off he's married and she finnally got out of the car.

Well the next day we went out boating, no girls but me and his brother told us what his brother did, and he was pissed and left for home that afternoon.

The other thing is his friend (the guy) always takes the opportunity to say sh*t to me when my H walks out of the room. Tells me about how my H was all wound up when she was topless and how he asked her to flash all the passing boaters or how he has photos of my H and his bachelor party that I'll never see and he's using thm as bargaining chips.He also makes comments about how we screwed up by getting married. Last month the H was on another fishing trip for the weekend and his friend kept calling me on my cell phone. I never answered him though. After the H returned home and his guy friend came to visit my H went to grab something out of the garage. his friend started asking me why I never answered his call, and him and his GF wanted to have me over for dinner while the hubby was out of town. I told my husband about it and all the things he's been saying to me and he just laughs. I don't really care if they want to swing but why do I have to have it pushed on me if I'm not interested. I made that real clear. And why doesnt it bother my H. I understand its every guys fantasy to have a threesome but this girl is a real butch looking dike. and why do these people have so much of an effect on our lifes together. I've seriuosly thought about the next time his buddy comes over to just start flirting with him in front of the H. He's extremely jealous and I know it would piss him off but maybe he would see things from my side.

[PatientOne]

I find that in these threads, whenever LucreziaBorgia posts, no further advice is really necessary, as she clearly and concisely nails the problems and gives excellent advice. This thread is no exception.

 

p64v, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm a few years older than you, and your H's behavior is appalling, if only because he isn't showing you the respect you deserve.

 

You absolutely must totally go NC with this couple- they are toxic, and decidedly not friends. You have the right attitude-if they want to swing, good for them, but it's not for you. I propose you sit your husband down one more time and make him understand you feel threatened by these dopes. If he doesn't respect you enough to distance himself from them, you will have to seriously consider seeing a laywer. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

 

I wish you the best of luck. Be strong.