How to get her out of my head?

[Sinful]

So the back story is my ex of 3 yrs (whom I'm still married to) completely betrayed me and ran off with her secret lover that she maintained the entire time of our relationship (they had a long distance affair). He moved to town and she effectively ditched me to be with him. It's been a month now and I'm still trying to heal, but it's still so tough cause I can't help but think of her at times. And the fact that I know she's shacked up with this other guy now, seemingly perfectly happy as if the last 3 yrs with me meant absolutely nothing... as if I never even existed! How do you guys get someone out of your head that you've been so close to for so long?? 

[preraph]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What a terrible betrayal. It's only been a short time and it was a huge betrayal and it is just going to take time to process it all. It's never going to feel good, but one day you'll get to the point where you can move on and find someone else. And there are not very many women at all who would betray someone in this way like she did. This is really extreme. Please don't go into the next relationship thinking someone will do that same thing to you again. 

 

you might need to go to a psychologist for a while just so you have a place to safely vent about all this. You need to talk it through and scream it out and exhaust yourself of it. 

 

if you are looking on her social media or letting her talk to you about her relationship with this guy, please stop doing that now. You're just torturing yourself. you are assuming she's all happy and everything but that certainly may not last. She betrayed you so she will likely betray him somewhere down the road. 

 

So please get her off of everything you can.  I assume you have property you still have to deal with. get an attorney and let him handle as much of it as possible and get that done as quickly as you can so you can try to move on after that and block her entirely. You have every right to be mad. Don't keep it in. Do a lot of physical exercise and keep it from racking your body because stress will make you sick. Cry it out and scream it out

 The car is a good place to do that. 

 

Meanwhile be as good to yourself as you can and distract yourself some watching funny things and just anything at all that will make you laugh or bring you any Joy at all. Good luck.

 

[Azincourt]

8 hours ago, Sinful said:

 How do you guys get someone out of your head that you've been so close to for so long?? 

I just figure that, if even men who look like Brad Pitt get cheated on and dumped - why wouldn't it happen to me?

I'm nothing special.

I just see every romantic relationship that I'm in as something transient and conditional.

As long as I get her aroused, she's with me. If she meets someone better-looking + more well+built or rich, chances are I'm going to get dumped, and since there happens to be a lot of men around men who fit that description, I just enjoy the time I have  with the girlfriend I'm with at the time, and when it's over I shrug it off and head out into a nightclub once again.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Some friends of mine, when they get cheated on, they band up together and they head out to the red district to clear their minds(and their wallets) of what just happened. Maybe a trip to the Netherlands would do you good, but if you aren't into that: hire the services of a professional therapist to work out the issues that were left behind due to the traumatic event you've just gone through?

[Rex12]

I've been where you are Sinful. 10 years then sorry, you're passed your sell by date & a new model gets wheeled in. You lose your home & family in a matter of days. Horrible experience. 

However, it's not how you react now - now is the time for you to recover & get back on your feet no matter how long it may take - it's about what you do in YOUR future - Make a goal for yourself. It could be anything, health wealth or love. You probably won't have the drive or determination to start achieving it just yet, but that's ok, just having it in your mind is fine for now. Start with small steps when you're ready. The best revenge is massive success as we know. 

In my experience, your ex is infatuated with this guy, total GIGs. She may think she knows him but I doubt it given that it's been a long distance affair. At around the six month stage, I got the 'I've made a mistake' phone call. Should this happen to you, then you've got to go with what feels right.

I wouldn't plan on that happening of course. For now, you need the love & support of your family & friends. Find one or two of your circle who you can have non-judgemental discussions with about what's happened & pour it all out on a daily basis if necessary.  

It will get easier; in time you will come to realize what a snake your ex is & you'll be glad she's out of your life. You deserve a lot better. Stay strong. 

[scooby-philly]

15 hours ago, Sinful said:

So the back story is my ex of 3 yrs (whom I'm still married to) completely betrayed me and ran off with her secret lover that she maintained the entire time of our relationship (they had a long distance affair). He moved to town and she effectively ditched me to be with him. It's been a month now and I'm still trying to heal, but it's still so tough cause I can't help but think of her at times. And the fact that I know she's shacked up with this other guy now, seemingly perfectly happy as if the last 3 yrs with me meant absolutely nothing... as if I never even existed! How do you guys get someone out of your head that you've been so close to for so long?? 

@Sinful - I'm sorry for your pain, your heartache, and your grief. Your recovery will not come quickly or easily. Just laying that out there for you so you understand what may come. No two paths back to a happy, healthy, productive, and fruitful life for people experiencing a breakup will ever look the same. But generalities do apply. Expect a seesaw or roller coaster ride. High and lows. Expect to follow the stages of Grief (which you can google and learn about) - though keep in mind those were built for the lose of someone through death, so I don't believe everything remains 100% applicable. But the feelings - anger, resentment, bargaining, denial, etc. - those may become close friends of yours for a while. And just like a roller coaster, you will not know when the ride ends until you realize it - and that comes after several (or many) times when you think, initially, the ride was done. And the "lowest" point on the ride (or the biggest drop if you look at it that way) - probably won't happen on the first descent. It may take a few weeks or even several months. So much depends on the length, dynamic, and individual characteristics of the relationship and the break up. Things to do during the next several months:

• Exercise
• Journal. If you don't like writing you can simply type out or write out a list - 5 bullet point - your qualities, your accomplishments, your life goals, the traits of your ideal partner, and then issues/problems with your ex and the relationship. Repeat daily. Several times a day if you need to. Heck - if you type it out as an email you can email yourself and store them. After 2 -3 months you can build a library to help you. If you hate writing/typing download an app for your phone that lets you do voice recording and save the files. 
• Get out into nature
• Talk to people - here, a trusted friend or two, a family member - a small team that you can be completely emotionally open and vulnerable with.

Most importantly - do not run from the emotions. Do not hide from the darkness. I'm not saying you need to cry in a team meeting at work and embarass yourself. But going to the bathroom at work, hopping in your car, being out in nature and then screaming, crying, (or both), etc. - those are all healthy things. Your psyche, ego, inner child, etc. need to purge the emotions from your body like your digestion system would a poison. 

6 hours ago, Rex12 said:

I've been where you are Sinful. 10 years then sorry, you're passed your sell by date & a new model gets wheeled in. You lose your home & family in a matter of days. Horrible experience. 

However, it's not how you react now - now is the time for you to recover & get back on your feet no matter how long it may take - it's about what you do in YOUR future - Make a goal for yourself. It could be anything, health wealth or love. You probably won't have the drive or determination to start achieving it just yet, but that's ok, just having it in your mind is fine for now. Start with small steps when you're ready. The best revenge is massive success as we know. 

In my experience, your ex is infatuated with this guy, total GIGs. She may think she knows him but I doubt it given that it's been a long distance affair. At around the six month stage, I got the 'I've made a mistake' phone call. Should this happen to you, then you've got to go with what feels right.

I wouldn't plan on that happening of course. For now, you need the love & support of your family & friends. Find one or two of your circle who you can have non-judgemental discussions with about what's happened & pour it all out on a daily basis if necessary.  

It will get easier; in time you will come to realize what a snake your ex is & you'll be glad she's out of your life. You deserve a lot better. Stay strong. 

@Rex12 Makes a few good points OP:

• It does get easier with time. But in the moment, day after day, week after week for the first few months - it feels like hell. It feels like the word will end soon. It feels like you do not know why you should go forward. Or you do not possess any reasons to move on with your life. This will ease with the passage of time.
• @preraph - Makes a good point too - do not let this incident skew your thinking to a point where you lose the ability to trust again. Not saying it will happen overnight. And that's 1 out of 100 reasons to take months or more to heal, focus on yourself, etc. You will need time to heal. Your heart needs time to learn how to love again. But that doesn't mean you are bad or somehow that you're "wrong" as a person. Don't generalize as you heal and process your emotions. But also, use this time to dig underneath your own surface. Do you see a pattern of dating the "wrong" people? If so, what characteristics do you seem to uncover in your pattern? Is there an underlying reason in your life and psyche why you subconsciously look for that or put up with it? Use this time to talk to those people who know you the best and you can trust to help process your life in general.
• Rex12 is also right - the next month, 6 months, year, - whatever you're recovery process takes - that's not what will define you nor define how anyone could judge your past relationship in the long-run. It's what you do moving forward.
• BUT...don't aim for some pie-in-the-sky goals. (USA saying). Look up the term "SMART" goals. While they're often overused and used badly in corporate America, the idea is sound. Don't say "I want to fall in love again". Say "I want to meet someone and in order to do that I will....(just making this up)...1. Be more social at work. 2. Join an outdoor club (if you were outdoorsy) 3. Join a dating app/site. Of course, that goal should wait a little while as you heal - but you get my point. BUT.....also don't put the "time bound" thing on the wrong goal. Meaning, I'm a firm believe that the saying "you meet someone when you least expect it" - is true. If we're living our lives, enjoying things, having fun, working hard, rocking it, so to speak, we become very attractive and then boom - we start meeting people. But don't put a time stamp on "meeting someone". Be careful on that front. For something like losing weight too - don't say I want to drop 20 pounds in 3 months. Say "in the next 3 months I will lose weight by: 1. Not snacking Monday-Thursday or Monday-Friday night. 2. Reducing my soda intake by 1/2 3. Reducing my coffee creamer intake by 1/2. 4. Drinking more water throughout the day 5. Eating earlier in the evening so my body has time to process the food. 6. Being active for 1 hour a day at least and at least 1 day a week I will be active for 2-4 hours".
• We can help you process the "how did you not know about this for 3 years....." at a later time. For now, remember - anyone who can stay with someone - say "I love you", being physical with one person and then say the same things to another, isn't mature, healthy, or emotionally sound. We'll need more information to help you break down who and what your ex is in terms of personality and problems, but for now - avoid beating yourself up. 

Keep your chin up and keep talking!!!

[Sinful]

I thank everyone for all the words of support and encouragement. It's definitely been a rough time for me, especially dealing with the pain of knowing that someone I loved and thought so close to me could betray me in that way. I don't think I'll ever understand how anyone could do that to someone they supposedly love and care about. 

I'm trying to heal and work on "me" during this time and will definitely be using a lot of the tips and advice you all have suggested. I just realized it's been 2 months now so I've made it farther then I thought. 

@Rex12 Thanks for your comments and sharing some of your experience. I take some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who's been through something like this. I know there's light at the end of this tunnel. Unfortunately, I'm still dreading the day that I know is very likely coming when I get that "I made a mistake" call or text from her. I'm trying to stay strong.

 

1 hour ago, scooby-philly said:

We can help you process the "how did you not know about this for 3 years....." at a later time. For now, remember - anyone who can stay with someone - say "I love you", being physical with one person and then say the same things to another, isn't mature, healthy, or emotionally sound. We'll need more information to help you break down who and what your ex is in terms of personality and problems, but for now - avoid beating yourself up. 

 It's crazy. For the first year I was completely in the dark, in large part because it was truly a long distance affair as he didn't live in the country. He first came to my attention 7 months into the relationship, and she always denied and downplayed their relationship. It wasn't until a year in that I caught the text messages between them, and at that point I broke it off with her.

I probably should've walked away and never looked back at that point, but by then she had me hooked and was able to reel me back in and that's how we ended up back together. But you're right, I had a choice. I didn't have to take her back. I don't know why I chose to continue with her other than me being somewhat naive or blinded by my love and wanting to believe what she was telling me...  even though looking back now I can see the signs of her actions showing her to be phony.

 

Edited March 18, 2020 by Sinful

[scooby-philly]

@Sinful - And that's a lesson to be learned that you can take with you in every future relationship. And not just romantic ones either. Remember - friends, family, romantic partners, co-workers, even the way your boss/company act - people put their time, energy, money, resources, etc. into what/who they want/value. And actions count for 100x more on the scorecard than words. I know for myself, I've learned that lesson the hard way in all 4 categories of relationships. My last ex-gf was a lot younger than me and was still living at home with parents who did not want her dating until her education was fully complete. Stupid/silly/foolish/naive/"too in love" me was too afraid to walk away when it was clear that not only was she not telling her parents about me at the time, but when I brought up the subject a few times about when/how she would tell them she would balk, get anxious, try to change the subject. So no matter how many times she said "I love you" and we talked about a life together - children, pets, etc. - it was really just words because at the end of the day she could never bring herself to break her "good girl" persona and tell her parents not only was she dating someone the whole time but he was much older and that she hid everything from them. (along with tattoos, lol). So that's a lesson you can apply in the future.

 

And as to taking her back - the only time I see that working out long-term in a relationship (whether it's infidelity, drugs, gambling, other substance abuse, etc.) is when the person doing "x" has a complete change and commits fully to not losing the relationship because of the problem. And that only happens in a very small percentage of cases. Most of the time the "problem" continues until another breaking point happens and even if they completely change the second (or third, or fourth time)....the "trust", the "emotional connection", is lost and can not be recovered enough for the relationship to continue on at that point. So for you OP - keep that in mind forward should you ever run into a situation like that (and it can also apply to familial, friend, work relationships as well) again.

[Rex12]

Scooby-philly makes some excellent points here Sinful. Wise words; keep them close for when you're in need of some encouragement. 

Happy to share my experience; I know others who have endured similar. It won't feel like it now, but she has inadvertently done you a huge favour. Could you imagine carrying on the charade for another three years? Another ten? All whilst she has her cake & eats it. Once that penny drops you'll have no problems moving on.

On a side note; when you're good to dip your toe back into the dating pool again, do not allow yourself to become emotional if you're forced to get onto the 'ex' talk. Avoid at all costs ideally, no-one really needs to hear it, but if that's not possible, remain clam & keep it brief. I say this as I have managed to sabotage two potentially good things by becoming animated when I've told the dreaded 'ex' tale. Any feelings & risdual anger against my ex disappeared years ago but I found it hard to control the fury once I got going & there was copious amounts of alcohol in the mix to boot. You come across as bitter when in actuallity you're not. 

 

[Sinful]

49 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

@Sinful - And that's a lesson to be learned that you can take with you in every future relationship. And not just romantic ones either. Remember - friends, family, romantic partners, co-workers, even the way your boss/company act - people put their time, energy, money, resources, etc. into what/who they want/value. And actions count for 100x more on the scorecard than words. I know for myself, I've learned that lesson the hard way in all 4 categories of relationships. My last ex-gf was a lot younger than me and was still living at home with parents who did not want her dating until her education was fully complete. Stupid/silly/foolish/naive/"too in love" me was too afraid to walk away when it was clear that not only was she not telling her parents about me at the time, but when I brought up the subject a few times about when/how she would tell them she would balk, get anxious, try to change the subject. So no matter how many times she said "I love you" and we talked about a life together - children, pets, etc. - it was really just words because at the end of the day she could never bring herself to break her "good girl" persona and tell her parents not only was she dating someone the whole time but he was much older and that she hid everything from them. (along with tattoos, lol). So that's a lesson you can apply in the future.

Wow, that sounds eerily similar in traits to my ex. I feel as if she was living a double life of sorts. There was the life she had with me, and then there was this other life that she kept secret with him. She actually had friends that knew this guy as her partner/bf (I didn't know about this until later), and these friends I never met nor was introduced to, in what I now view as her attempt to keep her 2 worlds from colliding with one another. I feel so stupid for not noticing and heeding the signs when they appeared. She would always say the right things, but the subtlety of her actions sometimes just wouldn't line up right with her words.    

In retrospect, I can see now that I need to set better boundaries for myself going forward. That's something I'm working on in my recovery process. But by no means am I trying to jump back into a relationship anytime soon. At this point I just want to be single for a while and work on me. The hardest times to pass are when I'm alone and would normally be with her. It's not the physical stuff I miss so much, as I can easily get that from someone else. It's more the companionship and emotional connection that I miss. But I'm just trying to take it day by day. I definitely feel better than I did a month ago, but like you said it's ups and downs. Some bad days and some better days.

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, Sinful said:

Wow, that sounds eerily similar in traits to my ex. I feel as if she was living a double life of sorts. There was the life she had with me, and then there was this other life that she kept secret with him. She actually had friends that knew this guy as her partner/bf (I didn't know about this until later), and these friends I never met nor was introduced to, in what I now view as her attempt to keep her 2 worlds from colliding with one another. I feel so stupid for not noticing and heeding the signs when they appeared. She would always say the right things, but the subtlety of her actions sometimes just wouldn't line up right with her words.    

In retrospect, I can see now that I need to set better boundaries for myself going forward. That's something I'm working on in my recovery process. But by no means am I trying to jump back into a relationship anytime soon. At this point I just want to be single for a while and work on me. The hardest times to pass are when I'm alone and would normally be with her. It's not the physical stuff I miss so much, as I can easily get that from someone else. It's more the companionship and emotional connection that I miss. But I'm just trying to take it day by day. I definitely feel better than I did a month ago, but like you said it's ups and downs. Some bad days and some better days.

DM me on here if you ever want to talk/vent.

Yeah - double lives are exactly what you were facing from what you shared. Some people don't know how to be open/themselves and they either get a rush from the secrecy or they feel trapped and think it can go on like that forever. And that's why getting to know someone in all aspects of life is so important - though in this case she was probably hiding all of this very well. 

Boundaries are a good thing. There's no way to fully protect yourself from getting hurt again - especially with something like this. But you can protect yourself and not taken the person back if something bad was to happen in a future relationship. It sucks, it blows, it's terrible. But intimacy and vulnerability are the only way to build a real relationship with someone and unfortunately that means an opportunity to get madly, deeply hurt. But, despite my heartaches over time, I would not want it any other way because I refuse to have a superficial relationship (or friendship) like so many people have.

And I can relate. I'm almost 7 months out and it's hard for me to remember the bad times, the arguments, the pain she cause me. But that's my mind and my conditioning to blame myself and be the "nice guy"....and to not have self-worth and value. And in reality, yeah - I miss the physical connection - and as much the cuddling, tickling, etc as the sex - but she had become my best friend and I miss that part still. But in time, it's getting better and in time, I will meet someone else.

Definitely don't rush back out there! 

 

I would say maybe we were both dating the same woman, but I'm in Philly, you're in FL, and my ex was in NYC lol.

[Sinful]

Yeah, I do think that on a certain level she felt trapped. I'd hate to think that she diabolically planned this out and was simply using me to bide her time until her and AP could be together. But she certainly could've handled things way differently and more maturely. I have to come to grips with the fact that I'll likely never know the whole truth. 

How do I DM on here? I'm guessing you have to have a certain number of posts?

[snowcones]

Oh man, this is rough and I'm sorry this has happened to you.  I just think people in general are rotten and I will never trust again.  I've hung up my dating shoes for good.

[scooby-philly]

16 hours ago, Sinful said:

Yeah, I do think that on a certain level she felt trapped. I'd hate to think that she diabolically planned this out and was simply using me to bide her time until her and AP could be together. But she certainly could've handled things way differently and more maturely. I have to come to grips with the fact that I'll likely never know the whole truth. 

How do I DM on here? I'm guessing you have to have a certain number of posts?

Yeah - I'm not sure if it's # of messages or the time from when you join - whichever, you can either click on a username on a thread and then go to their profile or you can go to your inbox and then start typing a user name in directly there.

 

And yeah - most people can't plan something that diabolical out on purpose. But...it speaks to her emotional immaturity and her lack of empathy as I've learned and been sharing for months now - if you don't share problems with your partner and you don't give them the opportunity to help solve them, you're the reason the relationship ends - even if the problem is "them"....healthy couples share and tackle things TOGETHER.

[Sinful]

Well I joined a long time ago so it must be by posts lol.

And you're definitely right about the lack of empathy. She's a selfish and immature person sadly. She knows she could've come to me and been honest about everything and we could've tried to work through it, but for whatever reason she decided she'd rather lie and betray me.

[scooby-philly]

yeah - I just tried PM'ing you - to no avail. Check your settings though. Not sure if you now have to opt into receiving PMs.

 

And yeah - I don't know the relationship or her (or you) well enough to say more. BUT...suffice to say people are either emotionally open and healthy or they're not, and for those who aren't secrets and feeling trapped is a common occurrence and they can't be helped until they chose to start opening up. It's unfortunate that you (and others like me) become the victims of their emotional clogs, but that's "life" unfortunately .