MarkV Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Morning everyone. Just wanted to write down my feelings and share opinions. Me and my ex were together for 5 years and broke up just over 2 years ago. We had just bought a house and had a lovely puppy,all of which she wished for and she was happy. Then she began to distance herself and would not communicate with me. Her work was number one and she neglected everything around her. She hardly spoke to me for 5 months even though I tried to get her to come home to talk to me etc,myself,her parents,her friends etc were all so confused. After 5 months I decided to try to move my life on. I had to sort the house out on my own,only see my dog at her parents and didn’t even hear from her on my bday or when my nanny passed away. I met someone who helped me feel good in myself again and showed me what it was like to feel valued. Upon hearing this my girlfriend began begging me to let her come home and try again but I was way too hurt by her lack of communication and interest in working things out over 5 months. It was me doing all the communication and I kind of lost hope. I told her I couldn’t as she’d hurt me too much. So to make me jealous she deliberately got with someone at work and made sure I heard about it. She even let the guy post a picture of him with my dog on the beach to spite me! That fling obviously didn’t work so she began begging again to which I said 100% definitely NO after seeing those traits! Two years down the line she is now with a guy she used to work with who is a complete womaniser (she knows this) and control freak and she’s just bought her own flat and he’s moving in..this has hurt badly as I provided her with the life she wanted with me but two months in she freaked out. I feel like I wasn’t good enough and everyone is baffled as to what she has done. Deep down it hurts me because she was the love of my life. In the two years I have bettered myself by building a successful dog training business, made the house my own and have great people around me. It just still hurts after two years as initially we dreamt of spending our whole lives together Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 15 minutes ago, dv123 said: In the two years I have bettered myself by building a successful dog training business, made the house my own and have great people around me. As a guy myself, I understand every single bit of the pain that you have been going through. I know it hurts. But the quoted part is what matters most right now. You are creating value for life and for yourself. Keep doing it. That's the only thing inside your control right now. Everything else and everyone else is outside of your control, so you can't do anything about them anyway. Cry and grieve as much as you want, that's natural, just don't forget to pick yourself up and move on. Goodluck mate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rex12 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Hey dv123, hope you're doing ok. You sound like an intelligent guy; think logically here for a second. It's been two years. You're just feeling some residual pangs of pain & regret that it didn't work out with your ex. It happens as it was a serious relationship, as you say, a girl you dreamt of spending the rest of your life with. I can empathize, I've been there. It will however pass; a lot quicker than you're probably thinking at the moment too. You've already done the hard work of getting over her. Take it easy on yourself and let these feelings wash over you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Sorry for your pain. Loss of hope for a future with someone can be difficult and lingering. So, you're the one who ended it, then you twice rejected her attempts to reconcile, both some time ago, yet you suffer to see her with someone else? I think you need to accept that wasn't "the one" and let it go. Of course she's going to be moving on with someone. It's not rational or reasonable to expect otherwise. The problem isn't what she's doing or with whom... it's that you're trying to hold onto something that doesn't even exist, and never did. You should not even be keeping up with what she's up to. You know she'll sabotage again and again. You have to let this go and create new dreams. Sorry, I know it hurts even if it's not rational. Find a way to reconcile what actually exists with the futility of the lost dream. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 You were the back-up plan and it was panic time when you went over the wall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Wow, what a horrible selfish woman. You had a lucky escape there. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 You had the opportunity to take her back, twice, and you chose not to - for good reason. So she is going on with her life. If she came back to you again, would you take her back? If not, then you need to move on and learn to deal with her being with someone else. It's something a lot of us have to do. Sometimes love just isn't enough. But the feelings remain in some form and have to be dealt with. Just keep reminding yourself that you don't want her back, and wish her happiness in whatever she does. Move on with your own life and find your own happiness. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, dv123 said: I met someone who helped me feel good in myself again and showed me what it was like to feel valued. Two years down the line she is now with a guy she used to work with who is a complete womaniser (she knows this) and control freak and she’s just bought her own flat and he’s moving in..this has hurt badly as I provided her with the life she wanted with me but two months in she freaked out. I feel like I wasn’t good enough and everyone is baffled as to what she has done. Deep down it hurts me because she was the love of my life. How does your present girlfriend feel about these longing feelings you have for an ex who doesn't deserve them? Edited March 18, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 2 hours ago, kendahke said: How does your present girlfriend feel about these longing feelings you have for an ex who doesn't deserve them? That doesn't mean he was seeing that woman at the time or anyone right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 @dv123 - I can relate, somewhat, to you pain. I definitely know heartbreak. A few things to keep in mind: Apparently her behavior during that time was so questionable and public that her friends/family became concerned. That's not a good thing. And even if she "changed" - it would be helpful for her and anyone ever trying to date her in the future for her to go through counseling to address that. 5 months? If I didn't hear from a significant other for 5 days I would consider the relationship dead - even if it was today and they were a doctor in Italy in the midst of the coronavirus. Even if her family was loving, kind, patient, and emotionally healthy, people can grow up to be mentally unsound - but consider her family and if there's patterns she inherited from them. And if not, then it points to an even deeper psychological/physiological issues - either case - you avoided a mental plague You probably didn't cope with your feelings during the initial breakup well enough that these residual feelings are there. I'll give you a personal example....it will be 7 months post breakup on Sunday from an absolutely heart wrenching breakup. I didn't to see her in person not get a real explanation and then a friend found her on a dating site 5 days later. It's been a slow and laborious recovery process. If she came back to me now, which I don't want and which I do not anticipate, I know I would be hard pressed to not feel like the wound was reopened. I could probably delete an email and ignore it or delete a text and her number. But if she was to find me in person or she left a voicemail, I would probably be devastated and spend the better part of an hour or a day crying. That's not to say I haven't put a huge effort into moving on, working on myself, processing things with family, friends, some great peeps on here. It's just speaks to the depths of the love I used to have for her and the painfulness of the breakup and all of the spoken future plans we had together. Do not be ashamed of your feelings and do not run away from them this time! But also realize, if you were conditioned like me growing up to be a care giver, a provider, ignore our wants, ignore our needs, and let people walk all over us or give us less than we deserve, you may still just need to work on your self-esteem and self-worth a bit. Also keep in mind, at lot of times romantic people (and people who are semi-romantic but also suffered in childhood - abandonment, relentless teasing leading to a poor self-image, etc) can build up an image of someone in our minds and we fall in love with the person we make someone out to be and not the person they are in reality. I know for me, that was partly true with my last ex. I idolized her and made her into this loving, caring, affectionate, mature, etc. woman - when in reality had strains of bitterness in her, had low self-esteem, did not know how to open up, kept secrets from people, etc. And I idolized her because my upbringing and my first few relationships and with some friendships even, I was never encouraged to or felt comfortable enough to be myself. So because I felt comfortable with her and because I learned to love myself a lot more, I thought I was getting my needs met when in reality, if I stop and think about all the times she threatened abandonment or self-harm, the times I told her straight out what I needed/wanted and got ignored, etc., etc., etc., I really was in a one-sided relationship. So part of my work has been helping my inner child let go of the fantasy of "her" and "us" and gain a new perspective on things. Lastly - a great saying I came across a few months ago that has helped me in my recovery - "You don't get to chose what role your play in someone else's story. So accept that for some people, you're the villain in their twisted fantasy". 1. I'm not saying your perfect or that you were a perfect boyfriend. 2. We're only hearing your side of the story on here and not "the truth". BUT...if you're being honest and open and what you shared is true enough - remember that people can often blame someone else for problems they cannot man up and address themselves and/or they look for scapegoats for their problems/life and the person they're dating or married often becomes "the problem". "If only you worked harder we could have been richer"...s*** like that. It might be worth reflecting on her family and life and see - maybe she's just crazy, but maybe she's just a little crazy and for whatever reason she made you the villain in her mind because she couldn't blame herself. She started to withdraw at first, which led to her untying emotionally, you start untying emotionally, you find comfort in someone else, her life starts to spiral in one or more areas, she then sees you moving on and then knee jerks and tries to win you back, you - rightfully protecting yourself, say no, she spirals, she finds someone and the she goes off to try and spite you - all the while ignoring the choices she made, the bad things she said and did, etc. And then when you don't beg for her back, she comes back a second time begging. Of course now, she's flung like a pinball to someone probably very opposite of you - a womanizer, a possible free-loader, etc....all because she can't stop and accept things were her fault and she needs to work on her before trying to date! Lastly - anyone who isn't there for you when someone important dies in your life - to the f***ing trash can they go! I know people dying of cancer that have made it to funeral. I know people who have taken a financial setback to try and support a partner going through loss, etc. She doesn't even talk to you when your grandmother dies? I would have f***ing dumped her sorry ass then! Moving forward - do not tolerate less than what you are worth and do not buy a house with someone until you really know them. And if things go south, leave them. I hope you're in No Contact with this woman..... 😐 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 58 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: That doesn't mean he was seeing that woman at the time or anyone right now. I guess you missed this: Quote After 5 months I decided to try to move my life on. I had to sort the house out on my own, I met someone who helped me feel good in myself again and showed me what it was like to feel valued. Upon hearing this my girlfriend began begging me to let her come home 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 1 minute ago, kendahke said: I guess you missed this: I saw it - I meant it doesn't mean they were "dating" at the time per se and it doesn't mean he is seeing anyone right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 43 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: If I didn't hear from a significant other for 5 days I would consider the relationship dead - even if it was today and they were a doctor in Italy in the midst of the coronavirus. I largely agree with the rest that you've posted, but I cannot help feel that the bolded part is harsh. I cannot imagine how many doctors in Italy are going to lose their spouses, partners or significant other while they are at the frontline in the midst of battling the virus. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 I was exaggerating for effect. Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 OP, you are doing good (from what you said) so be proud of yourself. She has moved on SO YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. You cannot rewrite the past so don't try to do it. I think that it's so important to learn from your past experiences and be better going forward. Life is so awesome so GET TO LIVING and don't reside in the past 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Totally understand. I'm in the same boat currently. Just found out an ex that we couldn't figure out how to work things out has moved on. It hurts and it makes you feel like s*** like you weren't good enough. The only thing I can offer you is to take solace in the fact that they are probably taking the easy way out by being in a new relationship. It's much easier to start a new relationship, than to do the hard work it takes to build and maintain a long-term healthy relationship. They didn't want to do the later, so they took the easy road with the former. It's pretty difficult to work with that attitude if you're one who desires a long-term healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 6 hours ago, snowcones said: The only thing I can offer you is to take solace in the fact that they are probably taking the easy way out by being in a new relationship. It's much easier to start a new relationship, than to do the hard work it takes to build and maintain a long-term healthy relationship. To be fair, they broke up two years ago. She tried a couple of times to reconcile, and he opted not to. It's not as though she just broke up with OP and dove into a new relationship with this other guy. Eventually, she was of course going to move on to someone else. With respect, I don't see how that is taking the easy way out, after all this time. OP, I think you have to let go of the idea that she was the love of your life. She was not. You were probably very wise not to try again with her, as I agree that she was probably not coming back for the right reasons and you likely would have found yourself in the same position all over again. I understand that it stings to know she's with someone else now, but your gut was trying to tell you something both times you rebuffed her attempts to reconcile. Let that be your comfort in knowing you're both better off with other people. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: To be fair, they broke up two years ago. She tried a couple of times to reconcile, and he opted not to. It's not as though she just broke up with OP and dove into a new relationship with this other guy. Eventually, she was of course going to move on to someone else. With respect, I don't see how that is taking the easy way out, after all this time. Yeah, she tried to come back. Not sure what the OP wanted from her to make it better. He will have to explain exactly why he didn't take her back. On a positive note, I did some sleuthing/investigating and found out that my ex's supposed new girl is actually a catfish. So now I feel better. 😂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 At the time of the break up in 2017, the OP was 36 and his gf was 23. If they had been dating 5 years, then she was 18 when the relationship started. She therefore not unnaturally got GIGS, started to go partying with her younger co workers and then generally checked out when the OP voiced his disapproval. He tried to make a "wife" out of a 23yo, by buying her a house and a dog... She "played house" till she got bored of that game. "Life" beckoned and she skipped off to do what so many want to do in their twenties. The OP like many men in his position having apparently secured a very young woman, had invested a huge amount in this relationship, so he is still 2 years later hankering after what might have been... The relationship took on a deeper meaning for the OP than it justified looking at it from a wider perspective. How many would assume a guy of 23 was in it for the long haul? Not many I guess, so why would a woman be any different? Of course it hurts, all those dreams shattered, but life waits for no-one. Time to put the past away, close the page and move on to the next chapter. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Oh I didn't realize she was so young. Yeah man, when you date much younger people, you've got to take them with a grain of salt. They are going to flit all over the place due to their age. Don't anchor yourself to them and expect too much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Learned that lesson the hard way. Few people under 25 today are ready for a life-long commitment, even if that's what they saw they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 I really don’t think they did it to spite.Theyre moved on with life just like you should be. Stop looking at the stuff 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 You lost communication with her and it made you mad enough to leave her behind. She's moved on, and you're going to have to do the same. Things have changed. Something had changed for the communication to go to crap anyway. So it sounds like one way or another, it was going to implode. Time to accept it and move on. None of us are happy about breakups, though it's easier for the dumpers than the dumpee. I'm thinking this was your decision, with lack of communication on her part, and she has a new life. Not much you can do. Can't turn back the hands of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 On 3/18/2020 at 8:47 AM, dv123 said: In the two years I have bettered myself by building a successful dog training business, made the house my own and have great people around me. It just still hurts after two years as initially we dreamt of spending our whole lives together I think a lot of people can relate to this. They met someone who they thought they would spend their lives with, then things went wrong and even though they did the right thing by letting them go and have moved their life on and achieved great things, they can’t help but wish things had turned out differently, even years down the line. Its ok to get pangs of these feelings sometimes. Someone showed me a photo of an ex of mine recently from a long time ago and it still stirred up those feels. But what’s important is you know in your heart that you’re better off not being with a person who didn’t value you. You might still want a relationship but we can’t always have what we want (or might have to wait) and there are people out there who are entering into thé beginnings of terrible break up suffering because they thought they had it only to have it taken away. A good relationship may or may not come along, there are no guarantees. A good relationship can also change into a bad relationship. Work on yourself and be grateful if you meet someone who is good to you - but even then, don’t stop working on yourself. This is the greatest mistake of all, to think you have finally met ‘the one’, focus on nothing but ‘the one’ and then lose ‘the one’, whilst in the meantime you’ve lost yourself. Who knows what is in store for your ex but I would stay away from any means of getting information from her. She is not your business any more - and thats a good thing. ✊ Link to post Share on other sites
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