Moving on after being cheated on

[cosmicdust]

Girlfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship for almost three years. She stayed in her country and I made trips when I could, we did spend many months together in person over that time.

 

The details aren't important. We had a good long-distance relationship for the first year and a half. Then she started to act strange, less communication, eating out a lot, new "friends", etc. I got a bad feeling all the way from the other side of the world. I talked to her about my concerns and was totally satisfied with her explanations. So happy that my worries were mistaken. I continued trusting her because I could never catch her in a lie or find any proof that something was going on.

 

Fast forward to early 2020. She recently decided that despite still loving me(lie), we don't have a certain future and she wants to break up. I agree. She presented this very openly and responsibly (seemingly). I was disappointed but still felt like she had always been honest with me and treated me with respect and dignity. I could still respect her.

 

Now, I won't go into the details, but after we broke up, I was informed by someone with knowledge of the situation that she had started cheating on me with a series of men exactly at the time that I started to have bad feelings about her. She had cheated on and off for the whole second half of our relationship, pretending everything was fine the whole time. Of course she was lying constantly to keep this covered up.

 

I tried to talk to her about this when I found out but it was obvious that she wouldn't take responsibility. It was very strange, all three times I talked to her about this, she was totally unresponsive and emotionless. She just stared blankly at me, not denying anything but not admitting anything or apologizing either. It was honestly creepy to see that. But she did let me talk to her and scold her for hours, she always tolerated that and I'm not sure why. I can't begin to imagine what was going on in her head. She never found out how I found out what she was doing on the other side of the world while I was sleeping.

:She is now perma-blocked of course because she is simply subhuman.

I honestly question whether she has some kind of personality disorder or physiological issue. I can't understand how a normal person could do something like this. It took a lot of time and energy and effort for her to keep up the charade of loving me for so long.

 

I post this question here because I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I keep reliving those moments from more than a year earlier where she lied to my face when I was so worried about her that I felt physically sick. And wondering about how many times she must have lied to me that I will never know about.

I feel terror when I think about her and what she did to me. I think I am trying to rationalize a way for it to not be so bad, a way for me to have been wrong also. I think I still can't accept that she could do something like this but I know she did. She wasted a year and a half of my life and used me, yet I never trusted anyone more than her.

 

I just need some way to be able to have peace of mind again and move on but i don't know how. Does anyone understand how I feel, have any thoughts or advice?

This was my longest and most series relationship yet, and the first (to be only) long-distance one. Yes, I was extremely naive to think it would work out.

 

Always trust your gut. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Edited March 18, 2020 by cosmicdust

[schlumpy]

Actually you a very lucky. Because of the distance you won't have to se her in person everyday which would only twist the knife in deeper. 

She allowed the scolding because that was her way of paying penance. I'm afraid that is all you will get from her so it will have to do.

Block, Block Block! Get rid of her memorabilia. Erase her phone number. Tell your friends not mention her name. Do not stalk her online media.

Do learn a lesson about long distance relationships. It's a huge risk that isn't worth taking.

 

[cosmicdust]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Actually you a very lucky. Because of the distance you won't have to se her in person everyday which would only twist the knife in deeper. 

She allowed the scolding because that was her way of paying penance. I'm afraid that is all you will get from her so it will have to do.

Block, Block Block! Get rid of her memorabilia. Erase her phone number. Tell your friends not mention her name. Do not stalk her online media.

Do learn a lesson about long distance relationships. It's a huge risk that isn't worth taking.

 

All makes a lot of sense. i am happy that I never have to see her or hear her name again.

 

Of course I am wishing that I broke up with her when I felt something was going on, but she would have NEVER told me anything so I would never have known if I was doing the right thing.

At least the way things did turn out - staying together this much longer - that setup the circumstances that allowed me to find out the truth and validate my feelings all along. I never would have known what really happened otherwise. So that is a bright side I guess.

 

One other question - should I have broken up with her on just a hunch, suspicions, and bad feelings? Since she was never going to tell me the truth. How could I possibly have made that decision without being sure?

[Mystery4u]

Been there, done that, I feel for you bro *hug*.

My first real love was just after I finished university. She was from South America, a few years older, had a child from a previous marriage. I went head over heels, and we started a LDR. Would see each other every few months. The times apart would be on Skype etc. I was so in love I didn't want to even get close to any other girls, even when they offered themselves to me, I turned them down as I wanted to be loyal. I trusted her, but something at the back of my mind was always telling me to be careful. I made a mistake in always asking where she was going, who she was with, to message me as soon as she got home etc, as though that would stop her cheating, if she was. Anyway long story short, we ended up going on a mini 'break' at one point after about 2 years, during which she met some super rich guy who offered to buy her anything she wanted. In the end she decided to break up with me for him.

When this happened I was distraught, but the worst part was I then found out a lot more things from a good friend (that was dating her sister at the time, so was in her country a lot with them both, another long story). Turns out during our relationship she had cheated on me with a number of guys. It made me thing to all the times things didn't add up, but when I asked her about it she always had a reasonable explanation which I believed. For example one night she went out. I called her and she said she was leaving the venue and would call me when she got home, which was max 30mins away. I didn't hear from her for about 5/6 hours, no answer on her phone. I was worried sick. When I finally got through she said she ended up hitting a car while turning into a road. Had to wait for the police etc. Get another ride home. Things were so crazy she just forgot to answer my calls. Stupid me believed her. Or another time when again I didn't hear from her for hours after a night out. Said she dropped her phone in the car when she got home then just fell asleep. There were other scenarios like that, and it all added up and made sense. Damn I got played. She never admitted to any of it.

So you are not the only one that has had to go through something similar. You WILL get over it. It took me one year to get over her properly, as she was my first love. I learnt so many things from that relationship. Thought I would never be in a relationship again. I was very wrong, had a few since then. I guess my point is, time is the only thing that will help. There's no trying to understand how or why they are like that. Some people just have no heart.

[Mystery4u]

8 minutes ago, cosmicdust said:

 

One other question - should I have broken up with her on just a hunch, suspicions, and bad feelings? Since she was never going to tell me the truth. How could I possibly have made that decision without being sure?

You couldn't have, because people like us know without trust there is no relationship, so we give that trust to another person otherwise there is no point. Unfortunately not everyone thinks the same and they break that trust. It shows how much better we are.

I still continue to give 100% trust to any relationship I'm in. If they break it, then that is their loss not mine, because I'm amazing and I know it. 😎

[schlumpy]

50 minutes ago, cosmicdust said:

One other question - should I have broken up with her on just a hunch, suspicions, and bad feelings? Since she was never going to tell me the truth. How could I possibly have made that decision without being sure?

That's an individual choice. Some people need one hundred percent proof and others will drop you because you didn't answer a text soon enough. Any relationship demands some flexibility so giving your SO a chance to explain or overlooking an infrequent bad day isn't out of bounds. Nothing abnormal or to reproach yourself about.

[cosmicdust]

Mystery4u, thank you for your thoughts - it sounds like we were in very similar situations. The first extremely significant relationships of our lives and being the type of person who trusts first and asks questions later. I did the same thing where I had nothing to do with other women at all for fear of what she would think. Definitely makes it ironic how things turned out. She did very similar things to what you describe, she always had a story that I couldn't argue with. A difference with me was that the dynamic was the opposite originally - she was sort of checking up on me instead of me checking up on her. I never worried about her for 1 second until she started cheating. She just stopped caring quite as much one day and was never quite the same person again.

I'm glad you've been able to get through it and be happy and hopeful again. I totally agree that if you can't trust the other person then it is meaningless.

I learned a lot too and most importantly to  trust my gut. It was tied in knots for a reason.

 

Schlumpy - exactly as you put it, stuff happens and people need to be understanding. She was actually going through a real life issue at that time, unrelated to our relationship, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt even more because of that. Thank your for the perspective.

[Sinful]

On 3/18/2020 at 10:05 AM, cosmicdust said:

I honestly question whether she has some kind of personality disorder or physiological issue. I can't understand how a normal person could do something like this. It took a lot of time and energy and effort for her to keep up the charade of loving me for so long.

I post this question here because I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I keep reliving those moments from more than a year earlier where she lied to my face when I was so worried about her that I felt physically sick. And wondering about how many times she must have lied to me that I will never know about.

I feel terror when I think about her and what she did to me. I think I am trying to rationalize a way for it to not be so bad, a way for me to have been wrong also. I think I still can't accept that she could do something like this but I know she did. She wasted a year and a half of my life and used me, yet I never trusted anyone more than her.

Man, I really feel for you. I know EXACTLY what you're going through because I had the exact same situation as you happen to me, except I was the guy married to the girl while she secretly maintained a LDR with the guy she met before me that didn't live in the country, so I had no idea he even existed. I was married to her for 3 years, until she left me 2 months ago to be with him.

I ask a lot of the same questions as you. How could anyone betray someone they supposedly love and care about like that? I'll never understand it. What I've learned is actions speak so much louder than words. You can't just take people's word for things, you have to watch their actions cause people can fake for a long time but eventually they will show themselves to be phony if they truly are. When she started to disconnect from you, that was her tell and you noticed it, but you allowed her to feed you lies that you blindly ate up. I fell for the lies too, because I wasn't paying attention to the signs of her actions. 

I know it hurts, but just stay strong and be glad that someone like that is out of your life. I unfortunately have a marriage issue that I have to deal with so the nightmare is not over for me yet.

 

 

Edited March 21, 2020 by Sinful

[kendahke]

The first thing you have to start doing is to stop ruminating about this. It's not going to change what happened.

She is what she is, but understand not all women are like her.

Consider this to be your lesson to always trust your gut, no matter what the other person says to you.  It was telling you that she was up to no good.

[cosmicdust]

I decided to contact her again against the good advice here, only because I found out more about her tragic past from someone else and I thought it was worth a try to talk to her in a more calm, less threatening tone. I think she was just shutting down as a survival tactic when I just yelled at her and talked trash.

That worked and she did admit my worst fears, and more. At that point she actually apologized for the first time ever and has continued to. And she has continued to listen to anything and everything I had have had to say to her about this. She has let me completely express my anger and hurt to her and explain how and why she made me feel this way.

She appears to be doing everything she can to help me through this by listening and giving me space when I want it. And to me that seems like it has to be worth something. But I don't know if she actually understands how much pain she has caused me and why. If she doesn't understand now, could she ever in the future?

I am absolutely certain that she was totally love with me from the beginning and for a long time. I know that because I felt the change at the exact moment when she wasn't completely anymore. And I am absolutely certain that she never meant to hurt me, and she went to great lengths to keep what she was doing from hurting me by covering it up. This was not a case of me just being used, but instead it turned into that. So it makes me wonder if the person who did absolutely love me at one point is still there and can really feel my pain.

 

I guess my main question is, how much are her latest efforts worth if anything. and how could I tell if she is truly sorry and remorseful and has learned a lesson I guess. And, does a lacking sense of empathy/compassion because of a psychological issue make her any less guilty or responsible?

The main vibe I get from her is that she just doesn't want me to hate her. She cares very much about what I think of her and wants my respect.

The main personality issues I see in her are (at least) narcissism, entitlement and extreme deep insecurity. This is why she felt compelled to seek the attention and validation of other men when I was not enough.

 

Something to keep in mind with this is that she had a very sad a traumatic past (not related to romantic relationships) and I am certain that she has emotional/psychological issues that she needs to work on. I have explained this to her and pleaded with her to get help for this stuff. Sadly she is very dismissive of this.

Edited May 24, 2020 by cosmicdust

[Lotsgoingon]

4 hours ago, cosmicdust said:

Something to keep in mind with this is that she had a very sad a traumatic past (not related to romantic relationships) and I am certain that she has emotional/psychological issues that she needs to work on. I have explained this to her and pleaded with her to get help for this stuff. Sadly she is very dismissive of this.

With all due respect this is NOT something to keep in mind. Either she's healthy enough to date or not. If she's not, whether because of immaturity or trauma or an intrusive mother, then you stay away. It's not your job to cut her slack based on a pop diagnosis.

If you want to be sympathetic about her past, then the best road would have been to just be friends. You hold a dating partner to high standards--based on how they act right now. No grading on a curve. 

 

 

[cosmicdust]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

With all due respect this is NOT something to keep in mind. Either she's healthy enough to date or not. If she's not, whether because of immaturity or trauma or an intrusive mother, then you stay away. It's not your job to cut her slack based on a pop diagnosis.

If you want to be sympathetic about her past, then the best road would have been to just be friends. You hold a dating partner to high standards--based on how they act right now. No grading on a curve. 

 

 

I totally agree. The issue though is that I had no idea about her past until we broke up. so I am trying to be retroactively sympathetic because that's all I can do.

She has never been in a good place to be able to have a healthy relationship, but I also don't think that means our feelings at the time were any less real.

Edited May 24, 2020 by cosmicdust

[Spainglish]

The best predictor of the future is past behavior.
You can have sympathy and be understanding of her past and how it affects her ability to be in a healthy relationship.
But,  it doesn't mean you have to accept a lesser standard from her than you would from any other woman. 

If you're okay with her possibly cheating and being untruthful in the future, then jump right in. 
If you are not, then be there for her as a friend and find someone who will take care of your heart.  

Remember, loving someone doesn't automatically mean they are right for you.

Edited May 25, 2020 by Spainglish

[rjc149]

On 3/18/2020 at 11:05 AM, cosmicdust said:

she is simply subhuman.

She's not subhuman, OP. The reason why she cheated on your LDR is because she's quite the opposite. Women have needs. Emotional needs, physical needs, needs for affection, touch, intimacy, connection, sex, and love. Those are hard to meet halfway around the globe. 

The reason why being cheated on hurts so much is because, and I think this is the case for men, is that she ends the relationship on her terms permanently and forever. The relationship can never be on the man's terms again, because there is no more trust. 

Being sympathetic and compassionate doesn't mean accepting her back into your life. Understanding her, and why she did what she did, allows you to move on with grace, and allows you to be better for a woman who will be better for you. 

[cosmicdust]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

She's not subhuman, OP. The reason why she cheated on your LDR is because she's quite the opposite. Women have needs. Emotional needs, physical needs, needs for affection, touch, intimacy, connection, sex, and love. Those are hard to meet halfway around the globe. 

I completely understand this. I guess my question would be, since she was just hooking up and not ever serious with anyone else, could she have thought (or actually?) she still loved me and still did this? Could she have truly justified (in her mind) cheating on me in a way that let her still believe that she cared about me?

Edited May 25, 2020 by cosmicdust

[rjc149]

Just now, cosmicdust said:

I completely understand this. I guess my question would be, since she was just hooking up and not ever serious with anyone else, could she have thought (or actually?) she loved me and still did this? Could she have truly justified cheating on me in a way that let her still believe that she cared about me?

There are women who simply need physical touch and affection. She may have loved you and cared for you, but you simply weren't there. You weren't present in her life. You were an email or a text. You were a screen. 

It would say a lot more about her integrity if this weren't an LDR. But in LDR, it's a matter of time before someone breaks. It's just a matter of time. 

[cosmicdust]

8 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

It would say a lot more about her integrity if this weren't an LDR. But in LDR, it's a matter of time before someone breaks. It's just a matter of time. 

I see your point and absolutely, long distance makes it 1000x harder. But I in making commitments to one another and trusting one another, that doesn't have anything to do with distance. She should have stuck to her word or let me know that she couldn't so we could break up, and she should have done that no matter how close or far apart we were. What hurts me as much if not more than the sex is her looking me right in the eye over and over and lying to me so that she could keep this going. I am convinced that she truly believed "what he doesn''t know won't hurt him".

Edited May 25, 2020 by cosmicdust

[rjc149]

5 minutes ago, cosmicdust said:

I see your point and absolutely, long distance makes it 1000x harder. But I in making commitments to one another and trusting one another, that doesn't have anything to do with distance. She should have stuck to her word or let me know that she couldn't so we could break up, and she should have done that no matter how close or far apart we were. What hurts me as much if not more than the sex is her looking me right in the eye over and over and lying to me so that she could keep this going. I am convinced that she truly believed "what he doesn''t know won't hurt him".

Yes, it hurts, because you know there is no second chance. Despite the LDR, what she did still constitutes deception and betrayal, and that forever ends a relationship. 

But not everyone is strong enough to be honest and behave with integrity. You just have to forgive her for her weakness, tell yourself that you were not able to be what she needed, and she was not able to be what you needed. And that's all there is to it. You move on with these lessons. Don't do LDR's. Make sure your woman is heard, understood, and feels loved and appreciated while also knowing and respecting your boundaries. And you go from there. 

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, cosmicdust said:

could she have thought (or actually?) she still loved me and still did this? Could she have truly justified (in her mind) cheating on me in a way that let her still believe that she cared about me?

Yes, except for the times she was horizontal with that dude. She'd launched you out to the Oort Cloud during those times..

It takes a lot of self discipline to deal with on-going LDR's--and not everyone is up to the task. They can talk a good game while they're in your face or on the phone, but they're going to succumb eventually when opportunity they can hide from you presents itself.  Notice she didn't say anything to you before doing it about doing it.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're asking if a cheater can actually love the partner they cheated on, the answer is yes. People are complicated. Her cheating on you does not mean everything she liked about you was all a lie. No ... might just mean she couldn't emotionally regulate herself and be content with one person.

Did you resonate with the good things she said. Yes, a cheating partner can highlight genuinely good qualities. Absolutely. So you want to embrace those qualities she talked about as you move on. The key to confidence is YOU  have to believe what the other person said. If their words were just vague and general ... well ... that's one thing ... but if she pointed out strengths you had that resonated with you ... then yes, believe them. 

A woman who dumped help ... gave me some of the best compliments I ever received in a relationship. She was also brutally honest about not being that into me. But the point is, anyone who helps you see your strengths--and you truly can agree with their assessment of you--embrace! Build on as you go along. 

I mean, I've had bosses who did the same thing ... gave me criticism that took me a while to see and accept ... but also pointed out things I did really well. Sometimes I missed or dismissed the good things they said because the criticisms stung but over time ... I figured out yes, I was good at x and y, and I'm glad the boss pointed this out. 

Sometimes you can get insights from a relationship that doesn't work out ... that are truly deeper and more helpful than for more happy relationships. 

[DKT3]

It sounds like you're trying to ease your mind and let her back in your life. That would be a huge mistake