breaking up and third party situation

[ThatKind]

I need someone to share my story with, and psychiatrists are something I can’t afford right now.

My whole problem begins with a breakup, but please don’t judge me. I know it is an everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but:

May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for four years. He was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn’t have to force anything. Everyone around us was saying that they wanted a relationship like ours.

We had a long-distance relationship. An hour’s plane rides away, but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time.

I was doing my med studies. He was studying economics there, so it was good so that we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.

Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break. I didn’t agree because I don’t believe in breaks and he broke up with me.

We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that, he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was that the distance was too much. We had only six months left until I come there.

One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was, and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up, they started seeing each other. They went on weekends together (that fast). They were buying gifts for each other. They even went public.

I had my doubts since the beginning, but he was always denying them and lying. Then he confessed to me and said she was only sex (yes, we were communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship).

Six months later, she told him she wanted a relationship. He said to her that he couldn’t let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. Now we are on a track to get together again and I am in a town 40minutes away from him (as our plan was).

After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him. He was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too, and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicidal thoughts. I stopped hanging out with people. This goes deeper because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer.

I grow up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like hey, relationships can work. Someone can take care of me. I never expected anything like this from him. Never, ever.

So I had a depression episode. I took antidepressants, but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me, and she says, ‘Oh give it a month with her, and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sight.’

I know I shouldn’t have, but I have read their conversations. And the times when he would contact me during our breakup, were either the times when they were fighting or the times when she said she wanted to become more serious. But they were fighting all the time, with bad words and everything that we never ever did. We were always communicating.

She even said that she will move for him in another country (because she lives where I live, so it is still long distance)

He said that he never considered her as serious until 10 days ago. He said that he remembered the time with her, and he doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away. He said that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out), and that he sees future with me, not with her, but that he has some internal issues he has to work on and want to :break up: again. Only to find out he was communicating with her and now still is, after our final break up. When I asked him, he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying.

I don’t get it, their last conversation was brutal, he told her he chooses me and wants to leave her and she was so brutal with words, and now they are together again.

I feel like I am not good enough. Like he saw for the second time what am I VS what she is and decided she is better in so many way. Even when I was 40minutes away from him and she was 1000km away. Me and her don’t have one thing in common, which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time. Like he now realised he was with the wrong person this whole time (me). I feel so not worth it, I feel like she is better then me in everything, I became obsessed with her. She is prettier. She is more interesting. She is four years older than both of us. She always has make-up on, her character is flirty and somewhat manipulative and I know she talks bad things about me because she is so upset that he was mentioning me all the time. She is everything I am not. I see her everywhere I go, I dream of them together… I can’t let this go, it hurts so much. And I am so scared that they will work out, I am so scared – I feel like my soulmate has another soulmate. It hurts so much, because I love him. I don’t feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.

He called me three days ago to ask how I am and to tell me that he has been crying and misses me and sees me as his wife. But that was it. He is still with her, but I haven’t confronted him about that, I didn’t know how to act when he called.

I don’t recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine; this hair is not mine, so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person. I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can’t stand myself. He was my best friend, we did everything , literally everything together..

I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships, and I envy them. I feel so guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy, but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

I feel like I am not worth it because, after a night of meeting her, he decided she is worth throwing our relationship away. And they also became real close fast. They went on weekends together. They bought each other presents. He even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her. Something he has never done for me, and I was always asking for.

 

Please guys, I really need advice and help. I would appreciate it …

 

Edited March 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

First if you are now out of med school & working I find it hard to believe that you can't afford medical care.  Don't you have a friend from school who can refer you, assuming you even have time with all this Covid-19 stuff.

You need some better self talk, some mindfulness & a self esteem boost, not antidepressants or a psychiatrist.  You are good enough.  Start there.  Read some blogs. Listen to some uplifting TedTalks.  Keep busy.  Journal.  Self soothe.  It's OK to grieve.  Give yourself time to dispel the toxic emotions out of your system. NC & disconnecting on all platforms  helps tremendously with that.  Take up a hobby.  Surround yourself with positive people.  Purge your life of all the mementos from him.  You will get through this. 

[stillafool]

It sounds like their relationship is fueled by passion and that is why they fight and make up so often.  He knows that on paper and the peacefulness he feels with you is what he needs in his life but the passion he experiences with her is hard to forget.  He is going to have to make a choice sooner or later.  It's up to you whether you can stand the wait.

Edited March 18, 2020 by stillafool

[lonelyplanetmoon]

This is a heartbreaking story.  I can tell you feel things very deeply.  I admire that you have the ability to feel deeply.  That is a gift.  
This person who you thought was your soulmate is now your poison.  He has taken the role of your abusive father, making you feel unworthy.   I have been there.  I know the emptiness.  It is part of the package of the abuse you had when a child.   It is hard for you because you completely surrendered yourself to the relationship.  In this process you lost you.  But the truth is you were always a little lost.  You made him your rock by investing in him.  The only way out now is to make you your rock and invest in you.

i know it is easy to say but so very hard to do.  Some therapy is really important.  Please try to find a way to do it.  The other thing that I found helped me was regular exercise.  I made myself do the workout no matter what.

You will need to post more but if you want to PM me, feel free.

 

 

[ThatKind]

last night he called me. Confessed that he is communicating with her, and that she is talking s*** about me (but he didnt say what he is talking about me).. he says he is not confirming those words because he knows they are not true but still listens to them. Someone who knows me for 5 years gets on the side of the person he knows for 5 months.. Its like my best friend betrayed me. He says that she is not that interesting to him anymore, that they argue every other day, but they keep communicating because he doesnt want to be alone. He says he imagines his future only with me but that's it. The conversation ended that way. He says all this but still chooses her at the end of the day...

[ThatKind]

I  keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me... Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now... but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy..

Edited March 22, 2020 by ThatKind

[preraph]

Well I don't like that he lies to you and then comes and confesses when he needs emotional support. I think you do yourself a favor by cutting him off so he can't come lean on you whenever he wants to and can learn to really miss you. 

[Supernova11]

You need this guy out of your life pronto.

He may have loved you in the past but the way he is treating you now is not love.

As lonelyplanetmoon expressed, I can feel the pain just reading your story.

You must instigate total no contact. Block his number. Block his social media. You are making him the most important person in your life and he doesnt deserve anything. To say he is treating you as his wife is actually quite offensive. The way he is treating you, messing you around, is disgusting. Forget his emotions. I don’t care how much he cries. He’s been cheating on you with someone else and then still doesn’t know what he wants.  You are the one who needs to be looked after here. Cut him off - completely. It will hurt and the recovery will not be linear but you will get over it in time.

Along side this you need to start doing some self love and self focus. Your focus should now be totally on you. Your new project is you. To find as many things as possible that make you happy. To find things that give you purpose.

I am also available if you want to PM me like lonelyplanetmoon. 

[Mystery4u]

2 hours ago, ThatKind said:

I  keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me... Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now... but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy..

Please take the advice of Supernova11 in the post above, it's exactly what I would have advised.

He is very selfish and does not care about you one bit. You need to cut all contact and stop listening to his words. His actions are all you need to know.

One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you and deserves the love you have to give. He doesn't.

[ThatKind]

I cant take it anymore. I cant take another day with the thought of them two happy and laughing over me, being intimate and sharing deep personal informations. I dont want to live. Sorry if I failed you all and thank you for all your advice, but maybe life isnt for everyone

[Supernova11]

10 hours ago, ThatKind said:

I cant take it anymore. I cant take another day with the thought of them two happy and laughing over me, being intimate and sharing deep personal informations. I dont want to live. Sorry if I failed you all and thank you for all your advice, but maybe life isnt for everyone

I know this is hard but try and get some much needed perspective on this. He is only one person. One person is never this important. He really is just one person out of millions. There are so many decent people in the world and he is just one crappy one. He isn’t worth your time. Life is amazing and you don’t need someone in it to make it amazing - right now I’m living proof of that 😊

[Supernova11]

@ThatKind

Im on my lunch hour if you want to chat. I just cant work out how to pm!

[TeddyBundy1993]

I feel you had very similar situation.  Everything matches long distance and all so I can feel you well. The most painful thing is when we realize that they actually did it when we never even in dream saw them leaving us for someone else. I has similar bouts of depression and went to psychiatrist for antidepressants.  Kind of felt I am reading my story.

Bottom line is this guy has chosen this other girl, and let me guarantee you they would not work out. No chance.  On the other hand I wanna ask you why you wanna wait for this guy? When someone leave you for someone else it gives us insight in their character. He has done it once you give him another chance he will do it again. Honestly I don't blame you,  every dumped guy or girl during initial stage of break up pray that they dont work out and our ex returns crawling back. I did too. Hahaha. 

From your situation looks you are pretty young, and finding soulmates at your age is rare. My advice to you is block this garbage guy and move on with no contact.  You are badly obsessing over his girl which is not healthy. Dont let this betrayal ruin your confidence. Let her have him. Give yourself time you'll be fine without him I promise you. Moreover you'll find another great guy in future.  Please for your own sanity stop contacting this wanna player. Hes toxic for you dear. Grieve and get through this. You'll be happy again.