Sugarc Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 So I matched this guy on a dating app. I recorgnized him from uni so I texted him about it. Had easy convos about school for a few days until I asked for a date. The date was simply great. We had a lot to talk about as we study the same thing and other stuff we could connect over. He smiled at me like crazy which looked like flirting to me. At the end we hugged and he said he had fun today and that he will text. Now comes the plot twist: he texted the same evening. Thanking me for my time, again telling me that he really had fun. All very cute and nice and then he said he has a open relationship and said sorry that he didn’t tell sooner and that it didn’t came up in our conversations. I was a bit shocked, he was understanding. Telling I can ask him anything I wanna know. So I asked a few questions and he answered anything. Tbh that wasn’t really what I was looking for, so the convo then kinda ended there. Well, I thought about it the next day and although I am looking for a real relationship I thought there is no harm for a fling or simply getting to know this guy as he is quite interesting. So I send him a text and said sorry I was a bit overwhelmed, that I thought about it and would still like to get to know him if he wants that aswell. Maybe FIRST as friends and then we could see what develops. He said as friends sounds really good. Well since then he didn’t texted anymore, a few days now. I am now really confused about this situation. Like I assumed he would be interested because he told me about his relationship situation and I thought I made clear that like I still have interest although I had to think first. Now I feel like a fool a bit, because he doesn‘t seem interested anymore? 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 Maybe he changed his mind and thinks the "friends route" is too much work. He's not looking for a friend, he just wants an extra girl to sleep with. Also, he should've mentioned on the app already that he's in an open relationship... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarc Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 35 minutes ago, Erik30 said: Maybe he changed his mind and thinks the "friends route" is too much work. He's not looking for a friend, he just wants an extra girl to sleep with. Also, he should've mentioned on the app already that he's in an open relationship... Thanks for your opinion. That‘s what I thought aswell, but he also said that it‘s a great way to meet new people as he is new in the area. So I don‘t quite know. Yeah well but I was attracted to him so I left it open by saying friends for NOW, like seeing if I would be confortable with this situation Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Sugarc said: although I am looking for a real relationship I thought there is no harm for a fling or simply getting to know this guy as he is quite interesting. Erm there is a lot of harm.. and you are the only one that is going to be feeling it. You are looking for a real relationship, he is not. You will end up being the 3rd wheel in his 'open' relationship. You will end up getting deeper and deeper until the time comes when he ends it with you because you are not both looking for the same thing. You will be the one who ends up getting hurt. He will carry on as before, not a care in the world. Yes he may be interesting, but that doesn't mean you should settle for less. Find someone who matches what you are looking for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarc Posted March 18, 2020 Author Share Posted March 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: Erm there is a lot of harm.. and you are the only one that is going to be feeling it. You are looking for a real relationship, he is not. You will end up being the 3rd wheel in his 'open' relationship. You will end up getting deeper and deeper until the time comes when he ends it with you because you are not both looking for the same thing. You will be the one who ends up getting hurt. He will carry on as before, not a care in the world. Yes he may be interesting, but that doesn't mean you should settle for less. Find someone who matches what you are looking for. Thanks for your concern. I do really understand your point and thought about that aswell, yes that could happen. On the other hand I find I think this situation could be interesting aswell like a new experience and wouldn‘t stop me to still find someone who matches the commitment I want, because I wouldn‘t enter this situation and stop looking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 It's easy... he didn't tell you about the "Open Relationship" up front, because you wouldn't have gone out. Second... he was looking for sex... not a friend. Not a weird situation at all when you think about it. You were just hoping it would have been more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Had you said: hey, I can be your friend with benefits, then he would have maybe taken the chance, but "friends"? No, thanks. He's not looking for a new friend. He's sleeping around. Don't be fooled by the choice of words. And honestly, why would you expose yourself to such a risk? Not worth it. And the idea of having sex with him while trying to find someone else for a serious relationship? Bad idea. Other guys would run fast. You'd be exposing third parties to more risks with this ongoing promiscuity. You don't know anything about him. You don't know the kind of people he has sex with, while having sex with you. Like same week. We need to make choices for ourselves, that includes for our safety and health. Some things cannot be undone and scar you forever (see Michael Douglas). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarc Posted March 19, 2020 Author Share Posted March 19, 2020 23 minutes ago, justwhoiam said: Had you said: hey, I can be your friend with benefits, then he would have maybe taken the chance, but "friends"? No, thanks. He's not looking for a new friend. He's sleeping around. Don't be fooled by the choice of words. And honestly, why would you expose yourself to such a risk? Not worth it. And the idea of having sex with him while trying to find someone else for a serious relationship? Bad idea. Other guys would run fast. You'd be exposing third parties to more risks with this ongoing promiscuity. You don't know anything about him. You don't know the kind of people he has sex with, while having sex with you. Like same week. We need to make choices for ourselves, that includes for our safety and health. Some things cannot be undone and scar you forever (see Michael Douglas). Well I said friends for NOW, then we can see how it develops. Which that I meant to see for me if I would be confortable with this situation or if I would feel weird. But I told him upront I would like to get to know you better, friends now and then see. That doesn’t exactly mean no in my opinion. Also I don‘t sleep with people I don‘t know without protection, so don‘t worry about this haha Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 22 minutes ago, Sugarc said: Well I said friends for NOW, then we can see how it develops. Which that I meant to see for me if I would be confortable with this situation or if I would feel weird. But I told him upront I would like to get to know you better, friends now and then see. That doesn’t exactly mean no in my opinion. Also I don‘t sleep with people I don‘t know without protection, so don‘t worry about this haha 1. Why would he make so much effort when he can get laid with anyone without any effort? You just need to take a side there. You decide. 2. I don't want to go graphic, but no, some sexual acts are unprotected. Like oral sex, both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Sugarc said: Well I said friends for NOW, then we can see how it develops. Which that I meant to see for me if I would be confortable with this situation or if I would feel weird. But I told him upront I would like to get to know you better, friends now and then see. He isn't interested in doing what it usually takes to get to know a person before sleeping with them. He's looking for someone that will be up for action without wanting to be friends first. That isn't your game, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. It's likely going to better to give this guy a hard pass, anyway; listen to your gut reaction to finding out about his open relationship. It's trying to tell you not to get involved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 This guy is just looking for some extra on the side. He isn't interested in really being your friend or your FWB. He wants to have sex and keep it moving. He already has a girl and whether their relationship is open or not is really in question. To tell him "we'll be friends for now and see how it goes" is too much commitment for him. He isn't interested in new friends or getting to know you to the point of seeing how it goes. He only wants sex when in such a time it's convenient for him. Why you would want to get involved with someone else's cheating bf is beyond me; especially when you are looking for a bf. You will get hurt no matter how much you tell yourself you can handle this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 I guess I am just old fashioned (not old) but why would you want to be a "side friend"?? Be the priority, #1 whatever you want to call it but don't let a man see you as something other than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarc Posted March 19, 2020 Author Share Posted March 19, 2020 16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: He isn't interested in doing what it usually takes to get to know a person before sleeping with them. He's looking for someone that will be up for action without wanting to be friends first. That isn't your game, which is perfectly understandable and acceptable. It's likely going to better to give this guy a hard pass, anyway; listen to your gut reaction to finding out about his open relationship. It's trying to tell you not to get involved. Thanks.. I guess you are right. What you are saying makes sense. He‘s not texting anymore so it‘s probably better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarc Posted March 19, 2020 Author Share Posted March 19, 2020 6 hours ago, stillafool said: This guy is just looking for some extra on the side. He isn't interested in really being your friend or your FWB. He wants to have sex and keep it moving. He already has a girl and whether their relationship is open or not is really in question. To tell him "we'll be friends for now and see how it goes" is too much commitment for him. He isn't interested in new friends or getting to know you to the point of seeing how it goes. He only wants sex when in such a time it's convenient for him. Why you would want to get involved with someone else's cheating bf is beyond me; especially when you are looking for a bf. You will get hurt no matter how much you tell yourself you can handle this. Well it isn‘t cheating if both people agreed. But the point you made about that‘s too much commitment makes sense to me. If I would have said I‘m looking for a fling it would probably be different. What doesn’t makes sense to me though then is that he really seemed to have fun and told me both in person and after the date. We seemed to honestly connect, well whatever Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 I'm sure he did have fun with you but his ultimate goal is new sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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